Action

The video opens to Peter, Ned, MJ, Harley, and Tony sitting on the living room couch. 

“Hey guys!” Peter says brightly. “Welcome back to the Ironfam! Today, with the usual crew of idiots, and we are playing Last to be Found!”

“And there is a special surprise for the winner,” Tony says mysteriously. “All I can say is… you want to win this, all four of you do.” 

{cut}

“So, Tony is the seeker,” Harley explains. “Peter, Ned, MJ and I will have five minutes to find the best hiding spot we possibly can, but only on the penthouse floor, the balconies, or the stairwell between the common floor and the penthouse level. Once the five minutes are up, Tony is going to come looking for us.” 

“It’s basically really intense hide and seek,” MJ adds. “And the winner gets something awesome, apparently. With the track record this family has, it’s probably something living.” 

“What do you mean, with our track record?” Peter, Harley, and Tony say in unison. 

“I mean, how many pets do you have?” MJ asks sarcastically. “If we tally them up… we’ve got Lady, Chloe, Luci, Sushi, and Quilliam.” 

“That’s not that many,” Peter grumbles. “I would still like a snake. And a golden retriever. And a chinchilla. And a ferret.” 

“You’re ridiculous,” MJ rolls her eyes.

“Can we just get on with this video with less mocking of Peter’s obsession with animals?” Ned asks. 

{cut}

“So, Dad is going to count to 300,” Peter says. “And the rest of us are going to go hide!”

{cut}

“One, two, three…” Tony begins counting as the teenagers scatter. As soon as they’re out of sight, he stops counting. “They honestly believe I’m going to count to 300?” he asks the camera. “No, no, absolutely not. I’m going to watch the clock and wait.” 

{cut}

Peter is running down a hallway, causing the camera to be very shaky. 

“Alright, guys,” he says quietly. “I know exactly where I’m going to go. So you all have seen my room two videos ago. Sorry that it was actually like four weeks ago, I suck, I’m sorry. Anyway, so my room is generally kept fairly clean. Except the science lair, but we don’t talk about that. Harley’s room, on the other hand, is a danger zone. There would theoretically be a lot of places to hide in there, but there aren’t many that I would be willing to go in, because of the potential harm to my health. However, there is one place that is generally safe; the closet.”

{cut}

“Ok,” MJ says, gently closing the door to Peter’s bedroom. “I’m obviously in Peter’s bedroom. I’ve decided I’m going to hide in his closet. Now, I know, this is a stereotypical hide-and-seek hiding place, but I have a plan to make it better. Peter’s closet has several levels of shelves in it, and the top one is pretty hard to see in the best situation. Seeing as how Tony is the one looking for me, and he’s fairly short, I’ll probably be fairly safe if I climb up onto the top shelf. What would make it even better is if I stack some things in front of me. The top shelf of Peter’s closet has a bunch of boxes, old blankets, and pillows on it. If I stack those on top of and in front of me, on the top shelf, with the lights off, I’ll be virtually invisible.” 

{cut}

“This is really not a fair game,” Ned sighs, as he walks quickly down a hallway. “I mean, Peter’s Spider-Man, and Harley and MJ are both tiny and flexible. I am none of those things.” 

{cut}

Ned closes a door behind him. 

“I’m in Morgan’s room,” he says. “Even though Morgan’s only three months old, her bedroom is all ready for when she’s old enough to walk and play and stuff. She’s got this playhouse built into the wall of her room, it’s actually pretty cool, and there’s a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets and stuff in there. Obviously I’m not going to beat Peter or MJ, but if I hide in there, in the giant pile of blankets, I might beat Harley?” 

{cut}

Harley is standing in a blank, white space. 

“I’m in the stairwell,” he says. “The stairs have all these bars underneath them, I don’t know why, but it’s kind of like the underside of football bleachers. These stairs only connect the common floor and the penthouse, so random employees and people can’t just be coming up here whenever they want. Anyway. So I thought, why not climb up in those bars? If I go somewhere in the middle, up on the bars, then it would be pretty hard to see me, and Tony will never find me!” 

{cut}

The footage is so dark, Peter’s face cannot be made out as he whispers. 

“Why hello there,” he whispers. “I have spidered up into Harley’s closet and am stuck to the ceiling, just above the door. Yes, he has a walk-in closet, there isn’t a room in this stinking tower that doesn’t, but I’ve made sure all the lights are turned off and I’m currently just lying on the ceiling. It’s really comfortable. I wish you all could experience falling asleep on a ceiling.” 

{cut}

“Maybe not though,” Peter continues his previous thought. “I’ve fallen asleep on a ceiling a couple times, and usually about ten minutes after falling asleep, I come unstuck and fall off. Scared the **** out of dad, though, that was funny.” 

{cut}

MJ’s screen is also pitch black. 

“I’m up in Peter’s closet,” she says quietly. “Tony should be coming any moment now, it’s been about five minutes.” 

{cut}

“Alright, time’s up!” Tony bellows into the house. “I’m coming to find you whether you like it or not, you little ****s!” 

{cut}

The blankets have cut out all light around Ned, so his screen is also black. 

“He’s coming,” he whispers. 

{cut}

Harley is the only one who is visible, and even his screen is very dim. 

“Tony’s on his way,” he whispers. “I’m so precariously balanced here, but I don’t think he’ll think to look here…” 

{cut}

“So I’m heading to the stairwell first,” Tony announces, as he begins walking. “Harley was very insistent that the stairs be included, so I’m sure that’s where he is. Honestly, you’d think he’d be more subtle than that.” 

{cut}

Tony quite literally kicks the door to the stairs open. 

“Harley Leon Keener, I’m here for you,” Tony declares dramatically. 

Obviously, there’s no response. Tony glances around the stairwell. 

“Well…” he says slowly. “Seeing as how there’s nothing in here, I suppose he must be over… here!” 

Tony turns the camera to show Harley balanced precariously in the middle of a criss-cross of bars under the stairs, a camera pointed at his face. Harley groans. 

“How the hell did you find me so quickly?” he asks, as he begins climbing down. 

“You were so adamant that the stairs be included,” Tony shrugs. “It was pretty obvious.” 

“I ******* knew it,” Harley mutters. “I knew it would be too obvious.” 

“Then why did you do it?” Tony asks, watching as Harley tried to figure out how to descend the bars. 

“Because I thought it was a good idea!” Harley snaps. “Are you gonna help me get down from here or not?”

{cut}

“I found Harley!” Tony shouts, returning to the main part of the house. “I’m coming for you next, Pete!” 

{cut}

“He found Harley already?” Peter whispers. “Wow, that was fast.” 

{cut}

“Of course he found Harley,” MJ sighs, exasperated. “He was really obvious about it.” 

{cut}

“I’d bet you whatever this prize is that Harley was in the stairs,” Ned mutters. “I can’t believe he actually went for that. Idiot.” 

{cut}

“Alright,” Tony claps his hands together. Harley is apparently now the cameraman. “I’m not gonna show you all me looking around the entire ******* house. We’ll show you the highlights. And then, when I enter the room they’re in, we’ll show that. MJ, you better ******* listen to that when you’re editing.” 

{cut}

Tony opens a kitchen cabinet. 

“Before everyone gives me **** for looking in the cabinets,” he says. “Remember that spiders have no bones. Peter is, like, literally half spider. He’s ridiculously flexible. He can bend his hand back so that the top touches his wrist. It’s unnerving. He could probably fit in the ******* coffee pot if he wanted to.” 

“Tony,” Harley says slowly. “You should probably stop swearing.” 

“I will swear if I *******- ow! ****!” 

As he stood up, Tony whacked his head into the door of a cabinet, resulting in a heavy stream of curses that was just one long, continuous beep. 

{cut}

“I am in Morgan’s room at the moment,” Tony explains. “She has this little playhouse in here, ready for when she can actually walk and play, and I feel like someone’s in there.” 

{cut}

“****,” Ned breathes. “He’s coming in here.” 

{cut}

“Let’s see, who do I think is in here?” Tony says, standing in the doorway to Morgan’s playhouse with his hands on his hips. “Hm… Edward Brandan Leeds, I know you’re in here.” 

{cut}

“How the **** does he know my middle name?” Ned whispers. 

{cut}

Tony freezes, and slowly turns towards a pile of blankets on the floor. 

“I heard that, Ned,” he says, dramatically ripping away the blankets. “Aha! I knew it! Got you!” 

“Damn it,” Ned sighs, standing up. “Okay, real question though, how do you know my middle name?” 

“What?” Tony asks. “You think I didn’t do background checks on all of Peter’s friends? And classmates? And teachers?” 

“That’s a little creepy,” Ned informs him. 

“Eh. Whatever,” Tony shrugs. “I do background checks on everyone. You can thank Obadiah Stane for that one.” 

Tony leaves the room. Ned looks into the camera. 

“Who the **** is Obadiah Stane?” he mouths. 

“No idea,” Harley says.

{cut}

As Tony walks through the living room, he collides with the corner of the couch. He stumbles a few paces to the side, before continuing on. 

{cut}

“So I’ve just got to find MJ and Peter now,” Tony says slowly. “And I have a feeling that they’ve both holed up in a closet somewhere. Peter’s probably on the ceiling, and MJ… is on a shelf somewhere.” 

Harley and Ned exchange looks. 

{cut}

Tony yanks the doors to his closet open. He does a brief check of the ceiling, and, after seeing Peter was not there, begins to go through the closet. 

“Michelle Sydney Jones,” he calls. “I’m about to find you, I can feel it!”

{cut}

MJ’s quiet laughter is barely audible. 

“He’s in the wrong room,” she whispers. “He’s right next door to me, Peter and Tony’s closets share a wall.” 

{cut}

“She’s not here,” Tony sighs. “I bet she’s in Peter’s then.” 

{cut}

Tony is standing in Peter’s closet, meticulously going through the shelves from floor to ceiling. 

“Why does Peter have so much crap in here?” Tony sighs, as he shoves a pillow to the side. 

{cut}

Finally, Tony reaches the top shelf. He pulls a blanket down, and reveals MJ’s knee. 

“Hah!” he declares. “I see you, MJ!” 

“Damn it!” MJ snaps, sitting up and dropping down from the shelf. “You still haven’t found Peter, have you?” 

“No,” Tony shakes his head. “But there’s only one more room to check. You think he braved Harley’s room?” 

“Would you all stop crapping on my room?” Harley groans. “It’s not that bad!” 

“To Harley’s room we go!” Tony says, dramatically strutting out of the closet. 

{cut}

“We didn’t show you Harley’s room, because he insisted,” Tony rolls his eyes. “So, here’s his closet. The lights are off, but that means nothing…” 

Tony flips the light on, and immediately looks up. 

“Hah! I was right!” he cheers. “I knew you would be on the ceiling somewhere!” 

“Dang,” Peter drops down from the ceiling. “I mean, everyone else is here, so I assume that means I won?” 

“Yes, it does,” Tony nods. “Peter Benjamin-Parker Stark, you are officially the winner of glorified Hide and Seek. Go sit on the couch in the living room. I’ll bring the prize to you.” 

{cut}

Peter is sitting on the couch, a blindfold over his eyes. Tony slowly comes into view behind him, a snake wrapped around his hands. Ned, MJ, and Harley audibly gasp. 

Slowly, Tony untangles the snake from his fingers, and then drapes it over Peter’s shoulders. Peter jumps at the contact. 

“Alright, take the blindfold off,” Tony says. 

Peter immediately rips the blindfold off, and gasps. 

“Oh my god, really?” he asks, slowly reaching up to stroke the snake's head. “Are you serious?” 

“Yep,” Tony nods. “I really thought MJ was gonna win, but… here’s yet another freaking pet for you.” 

“Oh my god,” Peter says again. “Oh my god, I’m so excited. What kind of snake is it?” 

“That’s a corn snake, and it’s a male,” Tony informs him. 

“Oh my god, his name is Severus,” Peter immediately declares. “This is amazing. Does he have a home and everything?” 

“Yep, I’ve got him a tank and stuff,” Tony says, rolling his eyes a bit at Peter’s name choice. “Let’s close out this video, though, okay?” 

{cut}

All five of them are sitting on the couch. Severus is still wrapped around Peter’s shoulders. 

“Well, guys, I hope you enjoyed this video!” Peter says brightly. “Welcome yet another new member of the Ironfam! Like and subscribe if you liked this video and want to see more of… this. See you next time, bye!” 

{cut}

The camera is angled as though it’s been dropped into the couch. The elevator dings, and several sets of claws scrabble across the floor. 

“Lady, Luci!” Peter shouts. “Did you enjoy your walk? Want to meet your new friend?” 

Heavy sniffing is heard, followed by lots of barking. 

{cut}