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The video opens to Peter, Tony, Harley, Ned, and MJ sitting on Peter’s bed. Chloe, Lady, and Luci are all laying on the bed behind them, and appear to be napping. Peter is in the middle, with a laptop on his lap. 

“Hey guys, welcome back to the Ironfam!” Peter says brightly. “So, a few weeks ago, Ned, MJ and I were going to get Sorted into our Hogwarts houses for you guys, because that’s been a highly requested video, but we were interrupted by Morgan’s birth. And, I think it’ll be funner now that we’ve got Mr. Dad and Harley here to do it with us!” 

“I still say Mr. Stark is going to be a Ravenclaw,” MJ shrugs. 

“False,” Harley declares, pointing at her. “He’s a Slytherin.” 

“I beg to differ,” MJ says, looking ready to get into a rant, but Tony cuts her off. 

“Why don’t we just let Pottermore tell us?” he suggests. 

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“So, we’ve already made accounts,” Peter explains. “We’re gonna let Ned go first, then MJ, then me, then Harley, then Mr. Dad. Ready, Ned?” 

“Ready,” Ned shrugs. “I’ve taken this test before, so I pretty much already know what I’m gonna get, but… let’s see if it’s changed!”

{cut}

“Moon or stars…” he mumbles, before clicking moon. 

“Interesting,” Peter says.

{cut}

“Which instrument is most pleasing to your ear?” Ned reads. “Hmm…”

Ned clicks through all the options, before he returns to one close to the beginning, and selects trumpet.  

{cut}

“A troll has gone berserk in the Headmaster’s study at Hogwarts. It is about to smash, crush, and tear several irreplaceable items and treasures, including a cure for dragon pox, which the Headmaster has nearly perfected, student records going back 1000 years, and a mysterious handwritten book full of strange runes, believed to have belonged to Merlin. In which order would you rescue these objects from the troll’s club, if you could?” Ned reads aloud, looking thoughtful. “I think… the cure for dragon pox would have to go first, then Merlin’s book, then the records.” 

“Really?” MJ asks. “Why?” 

“Because,” Ned explains. “Dragon pox doesn’t have a cure; there’s a treatment, sure, but all in all… not a cure. And it’s highly contagious, and potentially fatal. James Potter’s parents both died of it, so I think it would be important to have a cure for that. And then the book of Merlin, because that could contain secrets key to, like, saving the world or something, and then the student records, because I’m pretty sure there’s a copy of those in the Ministry or something.” 

“Huh.” MJ says. “Ok.” 

{cut}

“Which pet would I take to Hogwarts?” Ned reads. “Easy. Snowy owl. Next.” 

{cut}

“How would I like to be known to history…” Ned hesitates. “I think I’m going to have to go with… the good.” 

“Well, it’s pretty obvious which House you’re gonna get now,” MJ rolls her eyes. “A lot of these answers are pretty obvious, which House they’ll get you.” 

“Well, it’s my honest answer, so don’t judge me,” Ned’s eyes are on the screen as he talks, reading the next question. “Late at night, walking alone down the street, you hear a peculiar cry that you believe to have a magical source. What do you do?’ This one is easy, too, I’d proceed with caution, keeping one hand on my concealed wand and an eye out for any disturbance.” 

“That does seem like the most logical course of action,” Harley agrees. 

{cut}

“Would you rather have a potion to guarantee you…” Ned reads. “I’d go with wisdom.” 

“Why not love?” Harley asks. 

“Because,” Peter answers this time. “If you end up with someone because of a love potion, you end up with Voldemort.” 

“What?” Tony exclaims, disbelieving. “That’s ridiculous. Where did you hear that?” 

“JK Rowling said so,” Peter says, making a face at Tony. “Voldemort was so evil because he was physically incapable of feeling love, because he was born under the influence of a love potion. So if you use the potion to guarantee you love, you’d end up with another Voldemort running around, and that would not be good because the world barely survived the first one.” 

“I’m looking that up,” Tony declares. “That seems ridiculous.” 

“Are you calling me a liar?” Peter asks, indignant. “I know more about Harry Potter than most fans in the world, and you think I’m wrong about this?” 

{cut}

“Left or right?” Ned reads. “I have to go with… right. Maybe it’s basic, maybe it’s predictable, but I have to go with my gut.” 

{cut}

“Hufflepuff!” Peter, Ned, and Harley cheer. 

“You are in the House of the hardworking loyals!” Peter exclaims. “Good job! I’m glad my best friend is a Hufflepuff!”

“Thanks, dude,” Ned smiles at him. “Alright, MJ’s turn.”

{cut}

“Moon or stars,” MJ begins her quiz. “I have to go with… stars.” 

“Understandable,” Peter nods. 

{cut}

“If you could have any power, which would you choose?” MJ reads. “Definitely invisibility,” she says, selecting it. 

“Really?” Harley asks, surprised. “Why invisibility? I would have thought you’d like to read minds.” 

“That’s a bit too… invasive for me,” MJ shrugs. “Besides, if I was invisible, I could sit and stare and draw people in crisis for as long as I wanted, and nobody would know or get creeped out.” 

“True,” Peter nods. “Being invisible would be awesome.” 

{cut}

“Which pet would I take?” MJ asks. “Again, easy, a black cat.” 

“Of course you pick the black cat,” Tony rolls his eyes. 

“Hey,” MJ retorts. “If I’m going to be a witch, I’m going to be a witch.” 

Peter snorts. 

{cut}

“How would I like to be known to history…” MJ reads. “The wise, the good, the bold, or the great. I mean, these are kind of obviously tailored towards different houses, but I’m going to have to say… the great. I’d really like to do something big and important with my life, enough to be remembered for it.” 

“I bet you will,” Peter says. “Actually, I’m sure you will. I’d bet… I’d bet my life on it.” 

MJ stares at Peter for a moment. “Thanks, loser.” 

Peter turns bright red. “Um… no problem.” 

Harley winks at the camera. 

{cut}

“Which would you rather be,” MJ reads. “Trusted, liked, imitated, praised, envied or feared. Well… not imitated, praised or liked, because those are all lame. Not envied either, because then people tend to be ****** towards you, and I don’t feel like dealing with that. Let’s see… trusted and feared basically get you the same thing, just in different ways-” 

“What do they get you?” Ned asks.

“Well, it’s easier to get people to do what you want if they trust you, or if they fear you,” MJ shrugs. “It just depends on how you’d rather do it. Would I rather have people do what I want because they trust me, and are sure I’d never lead them wrong, or because they fear me and don’t want to get on my bad side? Yeah, it’s a no brainer.” 

MJ clicks Feared. 

Peter, Harley, and Tony snort, while Ned rolls his eyes. 

{cut}

“Which road tempts me most?” MJ asks. “The twisting, leaf-strewn path through the woods, obviously.” 

“You’re so weird,” Ned mutters, shaking his head. 

“What?” MJ shrugs. “You’re way more likely to find something interesting in the woods than on a wide, sunny, grassy lane.” 

“What exactly do you think you’d find?” Harley exclaims, laughing. 

MJ shrugs again. “You never know. Lost treasure, mythical creatures, a dead body… the possibilities are endless.” 

Peter and Harley burst out laughing. 

{cut}

“Four boxes are placed before you. Which do you try to open?” MJ reads. “Well… I mean, this is a little harder, but mostly just between the casket that warns of secret knowledge and unbearable temptation, and the one that’s got the mark of Merlin on it. I think I’m going to have to go with the mark of Merlin.” 

{cut}

“Heads or tails,” MJ reads. “Heads or tails? What kind of question is that?” 

“Just answer, MJ,” Ned rolls his eyes. 

“I mean, I usually pick tails, so tails I guess,” MJ selects tails.

“Why do you pick tails?” Harley asks. “Most people would pick heads.” 

“That’s precisely why I usually pick tails,” MJ says. 

{cut}

“Alright, it’s loading, it’s loading, it’s loading…” Peter says, staring at the screen. “And… Slytherin! Congratulations, MJ!” 

“I knew she was going to get Slytherin,” Harley says. “It was fairly obvious.” 

“Well, yeah,” Peter says. “She’s very ambitious. And she’s also very cunning. But in a good way.” 

MJ laughs lightly. “Well, Peter, it’s your turn.”

“He’s going to be Gryffindor,” Harley predicts. 

“Yeah, we all knew that, too,” Tony rolls his eyes. “The recklessness, the stupid bravery, the self-sacrificial tendencies… Oh! The lack of self-preservation skills-” 

“Shut up,” Peter grumbles. 

{cut}

“I’ve got a different starting question than you two,” Peter points out. “Dawn or dusk? Definitely dusk, it’s the only one of those two I actually see.”

“That’s not true,” Ned objects. “You stay up all night all the time.” 

“What?” Tony exclaims. “Why are you staying up all night?” 

Peter looks straight into the camera. “English.” 

“Don’t say that like you don’t do it all the time,” MJ rolls her eyes at Tony. 

“Yes, but I don’t necessarily want my kid following in my self-destructive footsteps,” Tony rolls his eyes back. “I’m allowed to be concerned.” 

“Shush,” Peter puts his hand over Tony’s mouth. “Let me finish my quiz.” 

Quite suddenly, Peter yanks his hand away from Tony’s mouth, shrieking. 

“Did you just lick me?” he demands. 

“Don’t put your hand over my face,” Tony shrugs. 

Peter looks horrified. 

{cut}

“Which pet would I want?” Peter says. “Easy. As dogs are not an option, I will go with a white cat, because Chloe is a white cat and I would like to take my babies with me.” 

“Your babies?” Tony asks. 

“Yes,” Peter nods, reaching behind him to pet his pets. “They’re my babies. I would like another.” 

Tony looks directly into the camera. “No.” 

Harley looks into the camera and mouths yes. 

{cut}

“If you could have any power, which would you choose?” Peter reads. He sits quite still, staring at the screen, for a whole minute. 

“Pete?” Tony finally asks. “Everything okay?” 

“I’m…” Peter hesitates. “I don’t know. I don’t know which to choose.” 

{cut}

“I guess I’d go with the power to change the past…” Peter says slowly. “I mean… after a long talk that will probably be edited out, I think that’s the one I’d go with.” 

{cut}

“Ah, which box would I open,” Peter nods. “Definitely the one that says ‘I open only for the worthy.’ That one sounds like Thor’s hammer, and I still haven’t gotten to try lifting that, and I’d rather like to know.” 

Tony snorts. “Of course you would.”

{cut}

“It’s the troll one,” Peter informs the camera. “And I think I’d save the cure first, then the book, then the records.” 

“Oh?” Harley asks, interested. 

“Well, people die of dragon pox, and there’s not a definitive cure,” Peter explains. “And then the book of Merlin could be very important, there could be… secrets in there that are necessary for the future, like… to prevent another Voldemort or something. And the records are important, sure, but there has to be a backup somewhere, like at the Ministry or something, so I think I’d be the least concerned about those.” 

“Makes sense,” Ned allows. 

“You are aware that all of this is fictional, right?” Tony says, giving Peter a slightly concerned look. “Nobody has actually died of dragon pox. You know that, right?” 

“Shut up, you Muggle,” Peter mutters. 

MJ, Ned, and Harley break into chaotic laughter, while Tony looks offended. 

{cut}

“Would you rather have a potion to guarantee you glory, wisdom, power, or love... “ Peter muses, staring at the screen. “So we’ve already decided, not love because then you end up with Voldemort… not power, because that gives you tyranny or something… I’d have to go with wisdom, because I’m a dumb*** and need more brain cells.” 

Tony gives Peter a strange look. “You’re… you’re literally the top of your class. In all your classes.” 

“Yes, I go to a school for the stupid,” Peter shrugs. “Moving on.” 

{cut}

“I’m walking alone and hear a peculiar cry, what do I do?” Peter muses. “I think I’d draw my wand and try to discover the source of the noise. What if it was someone being hurt or something, and I could have stopped it, but didn’t? I’d definitely have to go check it out.” 

Tony sighs, and drops his head into his hands. 

{cut}

“Left or right,” Peter reads. “Definitely right.” 

{cut}

“And he’s a Gryffindor!” Ned cheers. 

“Wow,” Harley says sarcastically. “I am so surprised. I’m just in shock. I never would have guessed that Peter Parker could possibly be a Gryffindor.” 

“Shut up,” Peter grumbles. 

{cut}

“Now it’s Harley’s turn,” Peter passes the computer to Harley. 

“Thanks, loser,” Harley says, taking the computer. 

“Shut up,” Peter says, pointing threateningly at Harley. “Only MJ gets to call me loser.” 

“Yeah, loser,” MJ snickers at Harley. “Get your own nickname.” 

“Fine, dumb***,” Harley shrugs. 

Peter rolls his eyes. 

{cut}

“Dawn or dusk?” Harley reads. “I guess dawn. I like watching the sunrise.” 

“Weirdo,” Peter snorts. 

{cut}

“Why does it want to know which pet we’d take?” Harley throws his hands up. “I guess I’ll go with a barn owl?”

{cut}

“And it really wants to know what superpower we’d pick,” Harley rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna have to go with superhuman strength.” 

“Why?” Peter asks. 

“Because,” Harley shrugs. “Then I could be Spider-Man.”

Peter snorts. “There is no possible way you could ever be Spider-Man.” 

Harley looks offended. 

{cut} 

“Oof, someone cheated on an exam and I know it,” Harley says. “Oh, double oof, Flitwick comes to me and asks if I know if they cheated. I’m gonna…” 

Harley clicks through all the answers, then clicks through them again, and then for a third time. 

“This is stupid,” he declares. “I guess I have to pick lie and say I don’t know, but hope someone else tells the truth, but I wouldn’t want someone to tell the truth. I’m not a snitch. And honestly, if they got away with it, good for them. It’s none of my business.” 

“Remind me why I invited you into my house,” Tony sighs, pinching his nose. 

{cut}

“And they want to know which box I’d open,” Harley sighs. “I’d definitely have to go with secret knowledge and unbearable temptation.” 

“Why?” Ned asks, looking appalled. 

Harley shrugs. “I’m curious to know what the secret knowledge is.” 

{cut}

“Troll, which order do I save things,” Harley skims the question. “I’d go book, then cure, then records, because I agree the records are least important, but the headmaster could remake the cure. The book of Merlin could never be remade.” 

“I guess you have a point,” Peter shrugs. “I stand by my answer.” 

{cut}

“Potion to guarantee me…” Harley hesitates for a fraction of a second, before he decides. “Glory. I could use a little glory in my life.” 

“Your ego does not need to get any bigger,” Tony snorts. 

“You’re one to talk,” MJ mutters. 

{cut}

“Left or right?” Harley shrugs. “Left. Everyone else has chosen right. Might as well go with left.” 

{cut}

“Ravenclaw?” Harley exclaims. “How the hell am I a Ravenclaw? I’m stupid!” 

Peter shrugs. “I’m as shocked as you are. Moving on to Mr. Dad.” 

{cut}

“Moon or stars,” Tony reads. “Is there… neither?” 

“No,” Peter says apologetically. “You’ve got to pick one.” 

“I guess moon then,” Tony slowly clicks on it. “I’d really prefer to stay on Earth, though.” 

{cut}

“Once every century, the Flutterby bush produces flowers that adapt their scent to attract the unwary,” Tony reads. “If it lured you, what would it smell like?” he clicks through all the options. “Log fire, parchment, home, or the sea? Out of those options, I’d have to go with… home.” 

“How come you’re getting new questions?” Harley asks indignantly. 

Tony shrugs. 

{cut}

“A Muggle confronts you and says they’re sure I’m a wizard, what do I do?” Tony looks through the options, before snorting and selecting one. “I’d definitely agree and walk away, leaving them to wonder if I was bluffing.” 

“I mean, that’s the most logical option,” Peter shrugs. “Maybe it’s just me, but if I accuse someone of something and they ask what makes me think so, or tell me I’m crazy and offer to call a doctor, or agree and offer a free sample of a jinx, then I’d be double sure. If they just agreed and walked away, I’d question everything.” 

“See, you think too deeply about these,” MJ rolls her eyes. “I’d pick agree and walk away, because it would be funnier.” 

“And that’s why I picked it,” Tony nods at her. 

{cut}

“What do I find the most difficult to deal with…” Tony reads. “Definitely… cold.” Tony shudders. Peter gives him a hug. 

{cut}

“Which pet,” Tony says. He gives MJ a sheepish look. “I’d… have to go with a black cat, too.” 

“And you made fun of me for it,” MJ grumbles, shaking her head. 

{cut}

“What am I most looking forward to learning at Hogwarts?” Tony asks. “Definitely hexes and jinxes, those would be a lot of fun.”

{cut}

“Left or right, I’ve got to go with left,” Tony says, immediately selecting it. 

{cut}

“I was right!” Harley cheers. “I knew he'd be a Slytherin!” 

“Oh, shut up,” MJ rolls her eyes. 

“I mean…” Peter gives MJ an apologetic look. “I’m not sure why you thought he’d be a Ravenclaw, he’s pretty obviously a Slytherin.” 

“Whatever,” MJ rolls her eyes again. “I’m going to go take the dogs for a walk.” 

As soon as MJ says the word ‘walk’, Chloe and Luci leap to their feet and start running around the room, barking. MJ leads them out of frame. 

“Thanks for riling them up, MJ!” Peter shouts after her. 

“**** off!” MJ yells back. 

{cut}

Peter and Tony are the only ones still sitting in Peter’s room. 

“Well, thank you guys for watching!” Peter says. “MJ, Ned, and Harley went off to walk the dogs, so it’s just Mr. Dad and I. Like and subscribe if you want to see more of… this. See you guys next time! Bye!” 

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