Was the room getting blurry or was his eyesight going bad?
He rubbed his eyes not unlike a little kid at the same time fighting the rising fatigue and refusing to stop working because nothing was more important than the mission.
It had been a few months since the snap, since he barely survived, since he lost more than he thought he ever could and he took it upon himself to fix it.
I shouldn't be alive, unless it's for a reason
This was his reason and he wouldn't let himself to fail, not again. He said that part of the end is the journey, it appeared that his journey wasn't over yet and he won't quit until every single one of those who die…who disappeared because of the snap got returned back.
He lost track of how long he was running analysis, testing theories and writing every god-damned formula and calculation he could come up with. After the first twelve hours he was so caught up in the work that he didn't pay attention to his surroundings relying on FRIDAY to give him a heads up if something was urgent and drank only the smoothies that randomly popped up on his desk.
The last one was…he couldn't remember exactly when. He couldn't even remember how much time had passed since he locked himself in his lab, he in fact vaguely remembered that Nebula was there doing her thing too, so was Bruce, but his mind was too hazy to try and think about their current positions there.
When the screen in front of him flashed red as a sign of failed experiment, he scowled and cursed in frustration.
He had never felt so useless, so powerless, so…dumb. It was like he was a little kid once again, never good enough to earn his father's approval and love. The moment that thought crossed his mind, he quickly pushed it away, stubbornly refusing to listen to his old insecurities, there was no time for that. Somehow he found himself sitting on a chair, his head in his hands, elbows on the table in front of him, mind shuffling through all of the things that could have been improved and how, when his gaze fell on something. His heart dropped when he blinked and saw the photo on the desk. It was one where he and Peter were together, smiling at Happy who was taking the picture, while making bunny ears at each other. Carefully, he picked up the frame, looked at it, but unlike so many times before the sight didn't bring him amusement, the fondness and warmth in his chest were replaced by regret, guilt and pain that he had to grip the desk with his free hand to ground himself.
This one is on me, I shouldn't have let him…
He could feel tears stinging his eyes, but he held them back, he wasn't going to mourn him, the only kid he'd be proud to call his son, because he was going to do whatever it took to bring him back, because the kid didn't deserve that, because he was too good for this world…
But, it's not, I can't find the solution,
With a blink, the tears fell from his eyes, burning down his cheeks, but he didn't give a damn about it.
Suddenly a soft voice called his name, he must have been too tired for not reacting at all, not even flinching when a warm hand settled on his shoulder.
“Tony…”
He turned towards the person who was standing next to him and when he saw Pepper he felt like he was going to break down. She had a worried expression on her face, but it was clear that she wasn't going to reprimand or pull him away from his work.
“Hey” he whispered, unconsciously leaning into her touch when she placed her hand on the back of his neck in a sign of comfort.
“Wouldn't it be better if you took some rest?”
“I'm fine.” it was like that line was a default mode for whenever he felt overwhelmed and couldn't come up with anything better to say, yet not wanting to express his feelings.
“You've been here for more than three days, Tony. Don't tell me you're fine.” he was about to say something snarky and push her away like always, but her gaze fell on the photo he was holding and her expression softened.
Tony put the photo where it was supposed to be and tried to avoid her gaze. She didn't say anything, just started running her fingers through his hair in a soothing manner, he couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes as tension started flowing out of him.
He had forgotten how much he missed her, how much he needed her and how much she meant to him and instead of being around her, he hid in his lab once again.
What if she wasn't there? A hallucination from the lack of oxygen…
Fear gripped his heart and letting out a sound of desperation, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him. Once they were as close as possible, he buried his face in her chest, clinging to her like never before, breathing in her familiar scent as the warmth of her body slowly started seeping onto him. When she put her arms around him, holding on with as much desperation as he was, he almost cried. He felt himself shaking, overwhelmed by so many emotions including the tiredness that was taking over, that he focused on just breathing and repeating to himself that he wasn't dreaming.
Pepper hummed in an attempt to comfort him and rubbed soothing circles on his back, her motions like a balm for his bleeding soul.
“You'll be helping no one if you get sick…I know, I understand you…but Tony you need to rest and eat to be able to continue working as effective as possible.” she whispered.
“Can't…have to get him back..get them back.” he replied, thankful that his face was hidden.
“You won't help him, by getting worse. You know that.”
“What…what if I…what if I can't get them back? What am I supposed to do then? How can live with that?” he knew he shouldn't have said that, but he couldn't keep his fears in any longer.
He felt her pull back just enough so she could tilt his head upwards to meet her gaze. There was no doubt in her eyes, only love and trust, all of that for him. It took his breath away.
“If anyone can do it, it's you Tony. Because you'll never give up until you do. Because Tony Stark has a huge heart and he'd sacrifice himself to save the world. I believe that, I believe in you, Peter believed in you, I know you can do it, but you need rest.” he didn't realize that he had been crying, when Pepper gently wiped the tears away and gave him a kiss.
“Love you.” he let it slide out of his lips as naturally as breathing.
“Love you too.” her eyes overflowing with affection when she pressed a kiss on his forehead.
He used the moment to hide once again in her chest, suddenly feeling lighter as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
“Now, how about you grab a couple of hours?”
“You'll stay with me?”
“Of course.”
Somehow they managed to lay down on the sofa that was specifically placed in the lab as an attempt to get Tony to take more rest, his head over Pepper's heart.
“Nebula?”
“She went to rest as well, after she made sure that you're not going to pass out from exhaustion.” he snorted at the words and with a yawn he replied,
“Good, she looked tired, but wouldn't listen to my advice to get some rest.”
“She probably didn't want to leave you alone.” came the reasonable reply.
“Sure…more worried about her…with all not being human thing…” he meant to say something else, but her presence and the comfort that radiated from her, lulled him and in no time he fell asleep, safe and loved.