Saviors

I woke up to the smell of pancakes frying and a headache clouding my vision. I was tucked in on the couch, and I could hear the sound of the television on in the background.

I knew that Steve didn’t care too much for watching TV; he really only watched anything if I wanted to or to have some background noise.

I inhaled deeply, stretching out my arms and sat up. I instantly felt my headache twinge even harder than before and let out a long sigh.

“Woah, hey there,” I heard from the kitchen. Steve swiftly dropped his spatula, grabbed a glass of water that was sitting on the counter next to him, and ran over to me with a bottle of Ibuprofen.

He sat down on the couch next to me, opening up the bottle and shoving two small pills into one of my hands and the glass of water in the other.

“Thanks,” I said, rubbing the front of my head before swallowing down the pills. They couldn’t work sooner.

“No problem. I figured after last night’s adventure you may need some assistance with the hangover,” He said with a smile, holding back a small laugh.

“Oh wow, aren’t you just my knight in shining armor,” I snarked back. Even though I knew Steve was a sweetheart and truly a great friend, I couldn’t let him know that I thought that (at least not all the time). Plus the banter was just too much fun.

“Well, your knight happens to have made some breakfast if you’d like some pancakes,” He said, moving back towards the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, the pancake that he had been frying was a a bit burnt on the bottom ever since Steve had been attending to me instead of it.

He mumbled what sounded like a “shoot” (because I could barely ever squeeze a proper curse word out of the man) and scooped the pancake out of the pan, heading towards the trash before I chirped out a, “Wait!”

“What?” He questioned, the pancake hovering over the trash.

“I kinda like the burnt ones,” I said, following him over to the kitchen and taking a seat at the counter.

“Of course you do,” He said almost in a condescending tone, but with more humor.

“Alright, could you hold off on the jabs for maybe 5 minutes or is that too much to ask?” I said in retaliation.

“Hmm, that’s a pretty hard task Romanoff. Asking me for even more favors,” He trailed off, grabbing a small stack of pancakes and sitting down next to me after turning off the burner.

I suddenly remembered all of last night. Not that I had blacked out or anything, but I remembered Bruce and the girl from the bathroom and the dancing, and of course, the kiss.

I felt my face go red and I buried my face in one hand for a moment, trying to conceal a smile.

“Oh my God,” I mumbled, letting out a small giggle, “Look, I’m so sorry about the kiss, I was drunk and I think that everything with Bruce and that girl had me heated and I,” I spewed out before I heard Steve return a laugh.

“Look, it’s really okay,” He assured me, sticking a piece of pancake in his mouth, “You should know though, I’ll definitely remember that you owe me one, maybe one and a half.”

“Half? Where does the half come from?” I questioned, raising a brow at this new information that Steve had apparently decided for himself.

“Well, I am of course, your knight in shining armor this morning, and I did happen to make you a disgustingly burnt pancake,” He smirked again.

“You were going to throw it out!” I returned, taking a bite of the burnt pancake that sat in front of me. I poured a little extra syrup on top too.

“Well, that’s what you think. And just to let you know, Romanoff,” He said with a goofy tone to the ‘Romanoff,’ “No amount of syrup is going to make that, thing, taste any better.”

“You know what, fine, I’ll give you a .25 of a favor. Not one and a half, but one and a quarter. And that’s my final offer,” I said matter of factly, again holding back a smile.

“Fine, you have a deal,” He said, putting out a hand for me to shake.

——————————-

Hours later and I found myself back in my bedroom, trying to take a nap but unsurprisingly unable to. I always had problems sleeping, but the snap really did a number on my ability to relax in any way.

I could feel the heat beating down on me from the sunlight that was shining through the window and looked over at the alarm clock next to my too-large bed. 3:14 PM.

I had been trying to nap for the past two hours but only found myself in a sad, depressive state. I had been crying on and off, but I made sure to not let myself fully break down or I wouldn’t be able to recover for hours.

Even though I had been happy hanging out with Steve, the happiness never lasted after he left. I, like I’m assuming everyone else, felt responsible for the snap. There was something more that I could have done, that we all could have done really.

I missed Wanda and Vision. I missed Sam. I missed Nick and Maria.

I knew that Steve missed Bucky badly, but he had always missed Bucky just like he had always missed Peggy. There was always something missing in him, just like there was in me. I think that’s part of the reason that we became such good friends, because we try to fill in each other’s missing pieces.

Knowing that I wouldn’t get anymore sleep, I wandered out of bed again and sauntered down the hall and over to Wanda’s room. I liked to sit in there when I started missing everyone. Even though she hadn’t lived there in years, Tony left her room exactly how it was.

I sat down on her bed and breathed in the fresh cotton scent of her room. Really, we weren’t even that close, but I found peace in this space. She kept framed pictures of her and Vision on the shelf attached to the wall. The love that they had was always something that I had envied, something that I thought I might be able to have with Bruce someday.

I knew that I never could.

I didn’t think that this room helped me get past this grief, but I didn’t want to get past it. It felt like a punishment to be reminded of the loss against Thanos, but I needed to be reminded. It was my fault.

I tried to sit in Wanda’s room whenever Steve was at his therapy group so that he wouldn’t pull me out of there. Only one time did he catch me sitting in Wanda’s room, and I broke down sobbing next to him. He made me promise after that that I wouldn’t go in there anymore, but I think we both knew that I didn’t plan on keeping that promise.

I suddenly heard footsteps and quickly sniffled and wiped away the small tears that were forming in my eyes before Steve pressed up against the doorway.

“I thought we had a promise,” Steve said, exhaling deeply while still leaned against the doorway.

“I thought you were supposed to be at your group until 4:00,” I mumbled in return, looking over to him. He obviously hadn’t seen my face, because when he saw mine I watched his face fall. His concern grew and he shuffled over to me, wrapping his large arm around my shoulder.

“Natasha, it’s 4:15,” He said with another long exhale.

I must have lost track of time sitting in Wanda’s room. It felt like I had only been in there for maybe twenty minutes, but time passed quicker than I had thought.

I sat in silence and leaned my head on his shoulder, a lump growing in my throat. I hated crying in front of anyone, let alone Steve. I was conditioned to have immense control over my emotions ever since I had been a child. Ever since the snap though, it seemed like my heart was telling my brain to fuck off, doing whatever it wanted.

“I have a meeting with Carol and Okoye in 45 minutes,” I stated, inhaling and standing up off the bed.

“What about Rocket and Rhodey?” Steve asked, standing up after me. He looked as defeated as I did. The group therapy seemed to help him overall, but after every session Steve was drained.

“I’m talking with them tomorrow, they were handling their own business tonight,” I answered in return.

“I can join if you’d like,” Steve returned, following after me as I headed out of Wanda’s room and to the conference room three floors above us.

“I don’t really need you too,” I said in return. I knew that Steve didn’t have anything to do after group sessions, and he always wanted to hang out with me, “But if you want to,” I rethought.

“I do,” He said plainly.

“Then you’re welcome to join.”

———————

Carol was still managing to clean up other planets and not much new was happening over in Wakanda. It was a typical check in, but it always made me feel better after talking with everyone, like I had control over something in my life.

Everytime Steve joined in on our discussions I noticed his interest in Carol. I couldn’t yet tell if it was romantic or just his pure interest in her ability, but he clearly enjoyed talking with her.

When we finished up our meeting, I let out a deep sigh, putting my feet up on the large desk in front of me.

“Woah there, don’t get too comfortable,” Steve said with a weak smile. He always tried hard to turn a sad day into a good one.

“And why is that,” I mustered the most playful energy I could out of myself.

“Well, we need to cook some dinner and find something good to watch tonight,” He said, standing up and reaching a hand out to me. I couldn’t help but give him a small smile. I grabbed his hand and he lead me to the kitchen where we figured we could just cook a frozen pizza. Steve promised that he wouldn’t burn it this time.

I was in charge of picking a movie, grabbing snacks and soft blankets, and in Steve’s words, “Relaxing at least a little bit.”

I really, really appreciated him.