I'm Begging you To Keep On Haunting Me
"What in the hell happened?" Bruce was in shock.
"It's a long story, Bruce." Steve was jilted. "Just help Tony right now."
"Give me my space and let me work."
"Keep us updated."
" I will."
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"Loki, I'm sorry." Thor begged for forgiveness. "I just lost it."
"Not right now." Loki's voice cracked. "Just give me time."
"I won't forgive myself if Tony dies."
"And I won't blame you."
+
"Mind if I sit?" Steve asked.
"If you want." Loki nodded.
Steve and Loki sat in silence for a while. Thor had gone off to think. Loki wasn't angry but he couldn't deal with Thor at the moment. He was thankful Steve was able to stop Thor. Of course, it'd be him. He is a super soldier.
"When Buck fell from the train, I drank so much." Steve spoke. "Of course, I couldn't get drunk because of the serum but it was all I could think to do. After coming out of the ice, i had to learn to adapt and move on. I did. Nat tried to set me up here and there but there was no one like Bucky to me. Then he was alive again but he wasn't Bucky anymore. God, that was hard. I obsessed over getting him back and trying to get him to remember. So I let him beat me near to death in hopes something would get triggered. Eventually, something did trigger but it's been a struggle since then. I was able to bring him back but it's hard. The nightmares. The distance. The fear. I love Bucky and he loves me but we're broken. That doesn't mean we hurt each other though. Having sex again after all those decades was really hard. Bucky just wouldn't touch me. Especially after he nearly beat me to death. The first time we had sex again, we had to stop. He imagined me as skinny again. Back when I was just a sickly thing. He imagined himself strangling the skinny me. He didn't sleep that night. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights."
"I'm sorry." Loki whispered.
"Tony told me what happened and all I can tell you, Loki, is that it's never going to be easy. It's never going to be black and white. It's still hard sometimes. He'll be the dominant one but he'll make sure it doesn't look like I'm pinned down. Even holding hands during sex is a big no for him. Because he thinks of his time during Hydra. When we sleep, he makes sure he's not pressing too hard against me because he's afraid I'll have an asthma attack but he always makes sure his head is near my heart so he can listen for my heartbeat."
"How did you do it?"
"It was hard. I mean really hard. I'm Captain America and I can survive buildings falling on me or getting shot but I can't survive Bucky's cries. Believe me, it's still so damn hard. But Sam was a big help. He may not know what it's like to be in our shoes but he knows loss. Loki, you gotta get help too. I'm helping Tony but you need it just as much. I know you're going through your own therapy but give Sam a chance."
Loki thought to himself. He didn't want to leave Tony. He couldn't even imagine that. He didn't want to hate Thor. And he didn't want to ruin Sigrid again. He was getting better but he feels himself going back into that dark hole. He didn't want that the most.
"Have you ever felt like you should leave but you don't want to?" Loki asked.
"Believe it or not, I used to ask my Ma why she never left my old man." Steve nodded. "He was mean and beat on my Ma but she never stayed down. There was a moment in time where I wanted to run away from Bucky. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have my Ma to tell me it was okay. But I remembered her in my worst moments. She always told me to never stay down. She taught me that there wasn't a damn thing out there that could keep us down. After all, I literally can do this all day. I have a picture of my Ma and I would look at it when it got too hard with Bucky."
"Did it ever get better?"
"It's always going to be hard. I won't lie about it. But it does get better. The thing is you both need to get better too. For a while, Buck and I fought. He always destroyed himself, you know? And I always made excuses for him. There was a time where he told me to hurt him because he deserved it but how do you do that? I mean I love him and he wants me to hurt him? He had to learn to rediscover himself and I had to learn along with him. That's what you need, Loki. Rediscover yourself. Let Tony figure himself out and fix his problems because he knows them better than anyone else. He made the first step. But you're destroying yourself. Don't do it. But at the same time, you need to figure it out yourself because the rape is something I never experienced. Bucky was tortured by Hydra and I don't know how to fix that but Bucky learned to figure it out. I was just there for him when he needed me most even if he didn't want to touch me. Before you try to "fix" Tony, you need to figure yourself out. If you're not going to do it for you, don't do it for Tony. Do it for Sigrid."
Loki bit his lip. He had been in denial for so long that he became a victim. He was never a victim. Tony was never an abuser. They were just two broken souls making deathly awful choices. Tony admitted his problems while Loki drowned in his denial. Before Loki could say another thing, Bruce cleared his throat, making the two look up.
"Well?" Loki stood up.
"He's stable but he's heavily sedated." Bruce confirmed.
"Will he be alright?" Steve asked.
"He's not gonna die, I can tell you that but he's going to be in pain for while." Bruce nodded.
"Let me see him." Loki begged.
"Like I said, he's sedated right now and he's going to be on a lot of drugs for a while. Give him time. Let him sleep." Bruce urged.
"Okay." Loki said in a soft, broken voice.
"In the meanwhile, go talk to Sam." Steve suggested.
"Alright. Let me know when he wakes up." Loki sighed, defeated.
"I will." Bruce smiled.
Steve convinced Loki to go home first and rest. Loki didn't want to but agreed. It's been a long day.
"Where are you going?" Bruce asked.
"I'm going to talk to Thor." Steve said, turning the other direction.