First day back
Urgh. Exes. My tablet pinged with a confirmation for the meeting.
"I heard you were in the area," he said, walking cautiously over. "Wasn't sure when you were coming back in."
"I got in yesterday, needed to get settled in."
"Sooo...how was your trip?"
"It was fine. Saw some national parks that were new to me."
He nodded. Get to the point, won't you? "I've made a lot of progress," he mentioned.
"Good. I'm glad you got help." He nodded some more. I felt tension coiling in my gut, and took a breath, consciously relaxing. "Well, it's been nice to catch up, but I need to see some people about a project."
Surprise and a flash of anger crossed his handsome face. I looked at him politely, unimpressed. "I wanted to ask you out to dinner," he said. "I want to resume our relationship again."
"No and no," I said, shutting down my laptop and picking up the tablet.
"What?" he said, looking alarmed.
"I told you that I don't do breaks," I said. "Don't you remember?"
"I told you that I just needed some space. I need you."
That brought up my ire. I tapped into my pad, then showed him the photos I found. "You need me, huh? Looks like what you 'needed' was a piece of ass."
"That's not fair. We weren't together," he protested, frowning.
"You can't have it both ways. Either you needed me or you replaced me. Looks like you chose. But it's moot, because, as I said, I don't do breaks. I am not a convenience."
"Emma--"
"No. You listen." I drew myself up straight. I've been preparing for this, all the time I spent with Con working on my abandonment issues and my self-esteem. "This has been all about what you need. Never once have you asked what I need or even want. And what I need is a man who is a true partner. Who treats me as an equal, trusts me as much as I trust him. Who is with me for the duration, not just when it's easy and fun and there's lots of sex. You say you're an old-fashioned guy, but you've certainly adopted the worst of modern masculinity. You've said it would have been different with Peggy, and that's fair because she and I are different people. But to say that you wouldn't lean on me, wouldn't trust me, wouldn't let me help you means that I'm inferior to Peggy in your estimation. Not as good, not her equal. And I'm not going to play second fiddle to anybody, especially a dead woman. The thing about Peggy is that she was your first love. You were parted in a tragic manner, and you reunited at the end of her life, so you could wallow in the unconsummated rosy light of a doomed, passionate romance.
"But that's over. And I am not going to be anybody's backup choice. Ultimately, you are a selfish man. You go out and save the world on a regular basis and you come back here and don't have to lift a finger for yourself. Housekeeping, laundry, meals, it's all taken care of for anybody living here. You have no responsibilities for anything but the job. And I think that that's started to affect your mindset. I think you, like Tony, feel entitled to what you want because you've been off saving the world. It hasn't apparently crossed your mind that I do my part to save the world too, but you also expect me to cater to you.
"You never asked what I wanted or needed. Part of that is on me because we were usually in accord and I gave in on the rest because they were small concessions. I never asserted myself until the end, and you didn't listen to me. You didn't address what I said at all. It was only about you. And looking back, that's been our pattern from the beginning. You show up, ask for something, I give it, you move on and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened. I've been driven out of two countries because of you. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be deported? Trying to help you has gotten me attacked by a mob, twice, and a guy I didn't even know was going to kill me because of a beef he has with you. And then you act like the other person is unreasonable if they don't go along with what you want. I gave you everything I had, all my devotion and love that I had to give. And it didn't even mean anything. You took it for granted. Like you had a right to it. You don't. Love isn't a one-way street. You have to give too. You have to give what you take, loyalty, compassion, help, devotion--or one day you find that the well's run dry because all the emotion's gone out; it hasn't been refilled.
"The man I admire most on this team is Clint. He's got his job, which he does beautifully, but then he goes home, and it doesn't matter if it was the most perfect op ever or the worst, but he goes home and he's a husband and a father and a farmer. He knows where his responsibilities are and he doesn't shirk them. He knows what it means to live up to them. Did you know Laura had a cancer scare last year? The day she had to go in for her biopsy there was a minor op, and he had to pilot the quinjet. He tried to get out of it but he couldn't, so he asked me to take her. But he didn't have to go, because he taught you how to pilot. But you don't. When was the last time you you went out of your way to help somebody when it wasn't on a mission? You talk a good game about the sacrifice play, but when was the last time you lay on the wire so the next guy could get through? You believe your hype, but you don't live up to it as much as you think." I sighed, trying not to feel defeated. "The one person you completely love and trust is Bucky. Because of all that history."
"And you're so much better than me?" His face is red now.
"No. I'm not an especially good person." I'd had a lot of mileage to drive as I thought about all this, and Constance had helped me articulate what I felt. What to do about it was up to me. "I have a lot of issues myself. My fears and insecurities. I used to worry if I was enough of a woman for you. I never thought to ask myself if you were enough of a man for me. My saving grace is that I care enough about other people to exert myself."
"Oh, really," he said. I looked at him flatly.
"Who do you think organizes the birthday parties around here? I can guarantee it's not Promotions or Nick. Do you remember there being a party around Labor Day last year?" He sort of shook his head. "No, and that's because there wasn't one. It was my birthday and it seemed weird to plan my own party. So I didn't have one. The folks in the lab gave me one, which was a really nice surprise, and my friends sent me presents and called, but I didn't get a single 'happy birthday' from anyone on the team. But a couple hours after I got home from work, there was a knock on my door and on the steps were Laura and Clint and the kids. She'd baked me a cake. From scratch. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting." I smiled at the memory. "She even apologized for not having put any decorations on it past a candle." It had been the first time anybody had baked me a cake from scratch since my grandma died, and it had been delicious. "Who on the team makes sure that everybody else has what they need? That would be me. Sharpies at conventions. The use of my house for a meeting of fugitives. Locating weirdos for health care challenges."
"I never thought about that, but you're right," a new voice said. I jerked when I saw Bucky. "You see what needs to be done and it gets done." Steve scowled at his best friend.
"Whose side are you on?"
"Hers, I think," he said slowly. "Because I think she's right. Aside from me, you're just phoning it in. You say what's expected and do what you need to, but you're not doing it for the same reasons you used to. You do it because it's expected, not because it's right."
Man, Bucky doesn't talk much, but when he does, he's formidable.
I grabbed my tablet and left for my meeting as Steve started in on Bucky.
I hustled, and I was only a couple minutes late to the garage. The mechanics were interested in building a new type of engine, one that ran on an arc-reactor technology, and they wanted to know if I could help with the fabrication since the tolerances were so tight. We spent a couple hours discussing what was needed and how they hoped the engine would work, and then it was off to another meeting with the rest of the team. It was a lunch meeting, so I got to eat as I listened to a brief summary of what had been going on in my absence, then new information. I slid the flash drive down the table. "Phil caught up with me on my last stop," I said. Nick gave me a sharp look and brought up the information. The table started dissecting the data as it came up.
"How did he know where to find you?" Tony whispered to me under the cover of the chatter. I grinned.
"He hacked you," I whispered back, pressing my fingers to my lips to hold back the gurgle of laughter. Tony looked aghast, then peeved.
After the meeting (the notes about Sharon had been seen but nobody commented) Nick asked me to stay put. "Why didn't you get this to me earlier?" he said as soon as the last person left the room.
"I looked at it, it's information, but nothing on her current whereabouts or immediate plans," I responded. "Nothing time-sensitive. And Phil gave the drive to me, when I was on vacation. Whenever he gives me something, he just hands it over. He doesn't say, 'share this with the group' or 'give this to Nick.' So I really don't have to give you the drives because they belong to me." Nick squeezed his eye shut.
"He knows you'll pass it on," he said sternly.
"Does he? I didn't even know he existed until I met him. How does he know I'm a team player and not more of a rogue like Tony?"
He muttered something I didn't catch. "Stark's a bad influence on you," he growled, and gestured toward the door.
Natasha and Wanda were waiting for me by the stairs. "What did Fury want?" Natasha asked.
"Chew me out for not getting the drive to him immediately."
"There wasn't anything critical on it," she said dismissively. "Look, Wanda and I have started doing mornings at a spa every couple of weeks. Massages, facials, nails. It's nice."
"We go to a new one each time," Wanda said, taking my arm. "Next one is tomorrow. You need to come with us." She fluffed my hair. "Tony said you'd colored it an unattractive color."
Natasha started to laugh. "It was more descriptive than that, but I'll spare you the details."
"I did it so people wouldn't connect me with Paladin. I needed a break from her. It was hard enough to explain Sigurd, but at least Torburn was visiting his mom or it would have been impossible to pass as a normal person. When I got back, I had a stylist strip the color." I frowned. It had taken some harsh chemicals, and I was pretty sure that if the wind blew my hair too hard it would all break off.
"The people who do the cosmetics for us might have something that would help," Natasha said, fingering the fragile strands.
"The cut's nice," Wanda said.
I smiled at them. "I'm in for tomorrow. I'll make an appointment at the groomers and leave the pups for their own treatments too." We parted on the path and I took the branch that led to my workshop. But first I stopped by the labs.
"We've been working on something since a mission Natasha had that required her to hide her red. This should help," I was told, and given a tub of something. It looked gooey rather than creamy. "It's got ceramides and keratin and vitamins, oils and amino acids and proteins, and a bunch of other stuff." He gingerly touched my hair. "Leave it on wet hair for a half hour and wrap your hair in a hot towel. You'll have to shampoo it out. It should make a big difference. Oh, and it stinks, so you'll probably have to have the windows open." I looked at the container with caution and thanked him for the help. "I'll send a questionnaire for you to fill out."
Stink was an understatement. The dogs actually fled the house and I had to open up all the windows to get the odor out. But it really worked. My hair was beautiful afterward. And to be fair, the smell didn't cling once the goo was washed away. Did had to clean the shower after, though.
"So what did Steve have to say for himself when you got back?" Natasha wanted to know as we were getting ready for the massages.
"Wanted to get back together."
"Um...did you see..." Wanda said, not sure how explicit to be.
"Yep."
"I heard that nothing really happened," Natasha said, and we leaned in. "He said the wrong name before it got very far." We all 'oooohed'. I started to laugh.
"I bet it was deflating to hear him say your aunt's name," I said cynically.
Natasha cuffed me. "He didn't say 'Peggy,' idiot," she scolded.
"Where'd you hear that?" Wanda asked, and Natasha colored.
"James might have mentioned it," she said, trying for casual.
"James?" Wanda and I said together.
"It's his name," she defended herself. "James Buchanan Barnes."
"Ooooh," I said. "How long has this been going on?"
The Black Widow blushed really red. "A few weeks." She looked around at us. "Do you think it's too soon?"
Wanda and I looked at each other. "No, I think that if Bruce were able to, he'd have come back by now," I stated my opinion, and Wanda agreed.
"I don't actually know if that's true," Natasha said, surprising us both. "He doesn't like turning into the Other Guy, the damage and hurt he causes. If he found himself in a situation where that's not a concern, he might not want to come back."
Before we had to think of something to say, the masseurs came in. Nice.
Over lunch, I told them about my travels. "Tony went to New York about that time," Wanda said. "Did you run into him at all?"
"Yes," I said, laughing. "I stayed at Stark Tower because the hotels were being fussy about Sigurd. He was trying to get me to come back early."
"Immovable object and the irresistible force," Natasha cracked. "Guess we know who won."
"We didn't go to Chicago as planned, but we did stay in Yellowstone longer to make up for it," I allowed, and they laughed. "Saw Peter. He's taking a girl he has a crush on to Homecoming." I explained about the tradition.
"What else did you do?" Natasha asked, poking at her salad.
"Did a little shopping, but mostly I saw my friend Constance."
"Your psychiatrist friend?" I nodded.
"Apparently I have abandonment issues from my father leaving when I was still in utero," I said, shaking my head. "Con said it's linked into my low self-esteem and it's why I actually physically leave. So I can use distance to help protect myself and make it safe to deal with whatever happened." I took a bite of the bread. "It's all pretty depressing, really."
"Huh. Now I see it," Natasha said after a bit. "You're very proud of your work, but not about the person who creates everything."
"I did see a big decline after you left," Wanda spoke up. "It's not as much fun when you're gone. Tony sharpens his wits on the rest of us, unfortunately. It was dull, and I saw how much you do for everyone. The little things that you don't appreciate until they're gone. So I wanted to be sure to thank you for all the things you do. The meeting room ran out of some things, you know how Steve actually takes notes on paper still, and the supply ran out. Housekeeping didn't do it because it was never on their list of things to check. Sam's favorite snacks in the rec room, the mints I like, Tony's favorite whiskey." She patted my hand.
Natasha rolled her eyes. "He had to drink blended for a couple of days. It was as if the end times had come."
"I hate to ask, but are you just saying that? Because I called Steve out for not paying attention," I said. Natasha raised her eyebrows.
"No, I hadn't heard about that. What happened?"
"He wanted to get back together; his therapy's going well, wanted to end our break."
"Oh, God," Wanda said, pressing her fingertips to her eyes.
I nodded. "So I told him that I'd meant it when I said I don't do breaks, and there was a bit about the photograph, then I laid into him about being thoughtless and careless." I grimaced. "I said that he was buying into the corporate image of Captain America and had lost his driving principles." They winced too. "But both he and Tony kind of are their superhero identities. They don't keep a strict line between the two parts of themselves. It looks to me like Steve is so invested in saving the world that he takes everything for granted when he comes back here. There's nothing to distract him."
"What do you mean?" asked Natasha.
"I can only tell you about my experience. The real reason I bought my house is because the housing at the compound felt like a hotel. In my home, I cook, do the cleaning, pick up the dog toys, fix it if something goes wrong. In the residence, I didn't do anything besides my laundry and cleaning up after the dogs. I feel more responsible and not so self centered, having other things to do. "
"Scrubbing toilets keeps you humble," Wanda nodded, and we burst out laughing.
"I can see that," Natasha said. "It is an indolent life we lead here. Although I always do my own laundry. I don't like other people doing my clothes. And you've almost always cleaned your workshop."
"They kept tidying things," I said in irritation.
"It's their job," Wanda said, laughing again.
"I know, but it was too much. So very, very tidy."
"So what are you going to do?" Natasha asked, redirecting me.
"Same thing I did before. Do my work, hang out, play with the dogs."
"That's lonely," Wanda pointed out. "If things are broken with Steve, do you think you'll see somebody else? You could date Tony. I bet he'd shape up for you."
"No, I can't," I said. "And I'm not going to risk another meltdown with a teammate."
"And Tony's a handful," Natasha said.
"Well, if you don't patch things up with Steve, you should at least find somebody outside for a casual relationship," Wanda advised. "You were happier and more relaxed once you started having regular sex. You could join a sex club; they're very sex-positive here in Seattle." I inhaled my water and began to choke. Natasha smirked as she thumped my back.
"Thank you for the advice," I gasped once my airway was clear. "But I've got a lot to do at work right how; a lot of stuff piled up. And Crossbones broke Mr Pointy, it was left there, so I've got to make a new weapon."
"Are you going to make another poleaxe or try something new?" Natasha asked.
"I dunno. I'll have to run it past Bucky, but I went to a Renaissance fair when I was on the road trip and tried a regular sword. It's kind of slash and bash, which is definitely my fighting style." We talked about the fair; Wanda had never been to one and Natasha had, but she was stalking a target so it didn't count.
"It's kind of a typically American thing, to kind of make something generic and ignore the history, put on costumes and have fun, but it was fun. There were a lot of artisans there, glassblowers, wood carvers, potters, leather crafters, weapons. Damn. I forgot, I got each of you a present. I'll have to bring them to work, I've been toting them around for a week now. I tried the sword work and the archery, which was also fun. My arm is still weak from the cast, so I didn't do very well. They had llamas to pet." I laughed. "They're so pretty and soft, but they've got tempers. They spit a lot."
"I'd have thought you'd get along well then," Natasha teased.
"We did. They didn't spit on me," I shot back.
"I don't think I want to know why anyone would be spitting on you, Emma," a new voice said, and I looked up to see Laura and Clint and the kids. I stood up and she kissed my cheek. "Clint said you had gotten back. I wish I'd known, I'd have made a casserole for you when you got home." We invited them to join us, and I picked up my Renaissance fair story. "Can we get a llama?" one of the kids asked Clint.
"Now look what you've done," he said, sighing. "If I have to get a llama, it's all on you." I grinned.
"I got you something too," I told Laura. "I'll have to find it and bring it over." Then I remembered. "You too," I told Clint. "I might actually have it with me, I put it in my purse." I had to take out my wallet, the little makeup case, and a bunch of receipts, but there it was in the bottom. I handed over a black leather shooting glove; there was a hawk hand tooled on the strap that goes over the back of the hand. "I remember you lost yours the last time we were out and while I'm sure you replaced it, it never hurts to have a spare." Clint tried it on; it fit well. Whew.
By the end of lunch, I was feeling a whole lot better about being home. As we walked out to the car, Natasha said, "Don't worry, I'll be discreet about what you said."
Wanda nodded. "Not everybody needs to know."
"Thank you," I said. We picked up the pups and went back to the complex, everybody happy and relaxed.