Chapter 5
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Wade reflects on the revelations he discovered about the boy as the boy trails silently behind him as they descend a dimly lit staircase..
["Why are things almost always so dimly lit in bad guy lairs, anyway?"]
{"Yeah, it's not as if bad guys don't need light to see by too or anything. Maybe someone should talk to their Interior Decorator.. STAT .. I'm pretty sure all baddies use the same guy."}
["Bold of you to assume the Interior Decorator is a guy."]
{"Ppphhh.. Deep, Dim, Dank, Grunge. It just screams forty-five-year-old guy that lives in his mommy's basement, of course all the baddies have a guy, THE SAME GUY, do their Interior Decor."}
[*Insert Rolling Eyes Emoji Here*]
{"Wow.. You don't even HAVE eyes."}
["That's why I used a Emoji... Hashtag Scoff."]
{"Just stop.. You'll never Trend... Anyway.. Where were we?.. Aww yeah.. Dim Lighting.. A commonly reoccurring theme in most bad guy lairs.."}
["Yes .. And the only brightly lit bad guy spots are the labs where they do all the experiments."]
{"Speaking of which.. Let's recap what we found out about the uwu angel baby behind us."}
[".. uwu angel baby ??"]
{*nod, nod* .. I mean look at those cherubic curls and big brown doe eyes! .. And that FACE looks like it belongs on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with all the other baby angels!.."}
["If I have no eyes to roll, you have no head to nod..."]
{*eyebrow waggle* (*thinking face*.. What does that really mean??) .. "Who said it was my head I'd be nodding?!" #MindInGutterBoi .."}
[*SIGH* .. "There are much less offensive colors I could go share headspace with.."]
{"PPpppplllleeeaaasssseee do!!.. We both know you'll be back in less than five seconds!.. *Z-Snap*..}
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{So.. To recap.. The kid was created in the labs at this base and raised mostly here in this base aside from a six month escape to the outside when some dude smuggled him out in a duffle bag.. It's okay!.. The kid wasn't in the bag THAT LONG!!.. Anyway once the baddies got the kid back, they wiped the kid's memories to make him forget he was ever treated like a person.. Then they injected him with the venom from the radioactive spider that his almost dad created (before the guy found out he was working for and with a bunch of child abusing, child raping, a-holes, b-t-dub) and then fused the poor kid's skeleton with a braid of Adamantium and Vibranium before the kid was even seven.. And .. Oh.. Oh .. That's gross and horrible and probably painful.. The kid has SHARP AS FUCK METAL COVERED BONE SPIDER LEGS THAT CAN RIP OUT OF HIS SPINE THE SAME WAY WOLVIE'S CLAWS COME OUT OF HIS HANDS.. OW!.. OW!.. OW!.. THAT HAS GOT TO HURT!! .. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN TO MENTION THE METAL WEBS THAT COME FROM HIS WRISTS!!!.. Nausea inducing imagery aside.. Also Cool as Hell.. I am a fan.. Anyway.. The kid was created using DNA from our pals Wolvie and Bucky and our not-so-pal-but-we-respect-her-as-a-(former)-fellow-assassin-slash-mercenary-and-we-secretly-think-that-flip-throw-people-thing-she-does-with-her-thighs-is-HOT Natasha *trailer-voice-over-dude-imitation* A.K.A. Black Widow, *imitation done*, and then the kid was gestated (eeewww gestated sounds so dirty even for US) in a biobag and then once he was born the asshole bad guys started experimenting on him, TORTURING HIM, before he was even an hour old.. Which gives us the sads .. Hey do you think we can steel the thingy from Cable again and go back in time and kill these goons again but slower?.. Oooh.. Or we could leave them kinda-sorta alive for Wolvie to gut slowly because ya know he's gonna wish he had HIS OWN TURN with them?..}
["Speaking of Logan.. Where is he?.. Weren't we supposed to have found him by now?"..]
{"I told you, you'd be bbbaaaacckk!!"}
["You said in less than five seconds, though.. I was gone at least fifteen seconds.."]
{"Whatever.. We both know you were gone as long as you were only because I needed time to run through the recap and we can't both be read-slash-heard at the same time.."}
["Well you didn't even cover everything in your so-called "recap".. You forgot to mention that the kid's a trained assassin that's been making kills since he was eight.. And that on some of those video tapes it show the kid being beaten or worse until he's a cowering wreck in a corner and that he never has a mark on him for more than a few seconds because he has a Super Healing Factor (better than OURS AND WOLVIE'S COMBINED) and bruises and cuts heal almost as soon as they're formed.. These are important things to know because if we ever have to fight him.."]
{"lalalalalala not listening!.. Because we won't fight him.. Not ever!.. We've decided not to ever let anyone hurt him again.. Not even us! .. So we can't EVER fight him.. Plus he's a kid and you know the rule we have about kids.."}
["Oh look.. There's Logan standing at the end of a poorly lit hallway.."]
{"Again with the emphasis on the bad lighting.. One would think you have an obsession.."}
["He's walking towards us.."]
{"Oh yay!... That makes the rescuing SO MUCH EASIER!}
"Hey Wolvie.." Deadpool happily waves as Wolverine's cloaked in shadow figure moved closer..
{"Wait.. Is he wearing one of those Mind Control Headband Thingies??"}
["We probably could have seen that at the beginning if there had been better lighting."]
{"Again with the lighting?"}
["So do we have a rule about fighting a Mind Controlled Friend that will kill us without blinking and without knowing what he's doing.. And god only knows what will happen to the kid (or our body) in the time it'll take for us to come back from the dead?.."]
{"Try our very best not to kill him ??"}
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