“Another broken white boy?” came Shuri’s voice from the other side of her lab, snarky and playfully angry with the guard who escorted tony into the lab. Tony laughed, and then was immediately surprised he could even laugh again. Smile again. The laugh he projected was more like a dying camel/bird noise, almost like he had forgotten how. Once he realized he was doing the thing, the smile died on his lips instantly and his laugh disappeared.
Shuri turned around, her eyebrows creased in confusion at the thing tony just did, and could Tony really blame her? Tony prayed she would just move on, embarrassment disguised by years of practice.
Her lab was an absolute mess. Not messy in the sense of papers flying, unorganized mess (even though it was that too), but messy in the sense of dirty, almost as if she didn’t care enough to clean up after the broke something. Shards of broken glass were everywhere, and in one far end of the lab, there was a desk littered with paper and loose screws. Crumpled balls of paper were everywhere, covering the ground, the open spaces of the desk, the small (way too small) wastebasket, and floor like a blanket. He saw laundry baskets filled with dirty (clean?) clothes, and piles of trash seemingly placed randomly throughout the lab. There was a couch in one of the corners accompanied by a sink, which held a variety of face washes and a toothbrush. The couch had a blanket carelessly thrown across it, and was rumpled as if she’d been tossing and turning all night- or hadn’t slept at all. Tony felt a shoot of empathy for her. Her lab- even though much more modern and bright- resembled his when he’d been through weeks of sleepless nights and crashes on the couch.
He could see the bags under her eyes, could feel her haunted gaze on him, and even though her tone was light and airy, he could tell there was something more, could tell how dark her mind was, how heavy everything seemed. Compassion rose up, so strong it surprised him. Shuri motioned to the guard, who retreated out the door and into the hall.
Shuri wobbled dangerously, her face crumpling for moment before remembering Tony was still present and watching her. Then she looked at him with tired eyes that said everything. She smiled, but he could tell. He could tell because he’d been there. Was still there. She walked over to meet him and held out a hand. He took it.
“Hello, my name is Shuri,” she said, her voice thick from exhaustion.
“Tony,” Tony said, and he felt her hand tremble as she shook his.
“Okoye sent me here, said I needed to see this,” Tony explained, looking around at the messy lab. Shuri cringed.
“A mess. I know. I haven’t had time…” her voice trailed off and she walked towards her desk, where she sat down.
“Feel free to look around, don’t touch anything that might be an explosive,” her voice wavered a little, and she picked up a pen.
Tony nodded silently and spotted a broom on a wall, surrounded by mounds of stuff. Wordlessly he padded over to it and picked it up, beginning level one of the cleaning process: get everything sharp and dangerous (scraps of metal, broken glass) up off the floor. Level two consisted of deciding what was trash and what wasn’t. Level three was organizing the stuff that was not trash. Level four was giving the room a sweep and dust. And there you have it.
While in the beginning stages of level one Shuri noticed what he was doing, looking up from her stack of papers with wide eyes.
“What are you doing?” She asked sharply, wearily. Tony looked at her tired brown eyes and hunched posture. It had only been a few weeks since the-
The-
Tony couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look at her. The kid-oh god, the kid if he’d have been better if he would have just been better the kid wouldn’t have- wouldn’t have-
“Hello?” Shuri questioned, effectively sending him back to his own mind.
“Yeah. Cleaning,” Tony said, keeping the panic out of his voice, trying his hardest to seem natural.
“What? Why? You really don’t have to-“
“Please. No one can safely walk in here without slicing their foot,” Tony said quickly. He knew how much the princess- queen- needed help. Reluctantly Shuri nodded, too tired to argue. She went back to her papers, Tony went back to sweeping the giant lab, and that was that.
He heard paper crumpling, heard the copy machine running, he heard clicking pens and bouncing feet and coffee pouring. The small vibration of his watch marked the hour. Ten. He heard sighs and a thump on the desk and looked over to see a sleeping Shuri. He smiled a little, and continued sweeping. The next time he looked at her, she was awake, and throwing away yet another paper.
Time for level two of cleaning: throwing away shit. Unfortunately, he needed her opinion on what to throw away, and he didn’t want to throw away anything important she needed. He settled for throwing away the bigger, broken scraps of metal in the giant piles which were placed randomly throughout the lab.
“Thank you,” came Shuri’s voice softly from the other side of the lab. Tony slowly walked towards her and nodded solemnly. His watch beeped eleven. She looked at the clock and jumped.
“Shit. I had a meeting at seven,” she said, turning back to her paperwork before sighing.
“Maybe you should get some sleep. What time to kids these days go to bed?” He asked, keeping his time light. She just shook her head.
“I don’t sleep much,” She said softly, looking down and pretending to read, but Tony knew better. He shrugged.
“Yeah, me neither, but you could at least try for like an hour. If you don’t fall asleep by then keep working. But an hour,” he motioned to the couch, where Shuri landed her gaze on. She reluctantly got up and moved, swaying back and forth as she walked, like she was having a hard time keeping herself up. As soon as she hit the couch her whole body tensed instead of relaxing. She was sitting up, looking at him cleaning her lab like it was the only thing keeping her there. Her hands figured with the rumpled blanket nervously, and she rocked back and forth with anxiety. Tony figured he should help, but what could he do? He kept cleaning.
He noticed Shuri would fall asleep, then jerk awake with wild eyes and frantic posture. Every time he would lean down next to her and mumblr reassurances until she had calmed down and was back asleep. He also noticed she shook as she slept, trembled and gripped her blanket like it was a lifeline. At about the fourth time of waking up she got up and moved to her desk once again, picking up her pen and continuing to work.
At four o’clock in the morning, Tony decided he should try and get her to sleep again. Maybe he would get some sleep too. He approached her desk, where she threw another piece of paper into the heaping mess of trash. He should clean that up. He was still on level two.
“Hey,” He said quietly, nearing her desk. She jumped harshly and stood.
“Maybe you should try to sleep. It’s four am right now. What time are your meetings tomorrow?” He asked, keeping his tone gentle, a tone he didn’t know he was capable of. She eyed the couch with suspicion, and slowly nodded. She turned back to look at him.
“You should go to bed too. My meetings are at ten, twelve, three, and six,” She said, maneuvering around the piles of paper and towards the couch. Holy shit, that’s a lot of meetings. He decided not to say that, catching the feeling that she knew it was a lot of meetings.
“Yeah. I’m heading up now. I’ll be down around nine. Mine giving me access?” He asked. She nodded, then trumped something on a hologram.
“I’ll see you then,” she said, before sitting down on the couch again,resuming her anxious position gripping the blanket. As he was walking out, he swore he could have heard her sniffle.
••••••••••
At nine, he walked down to Shuri’s lab. The sight there made him smile a little. Shuri was laying on the couch, sleeping peacefully. She wasn’t shaking or crying, no hands gripping the blanket. It was peaceful, and the most peaceful she’s looked in the few short hours of knowing her.
Tony had spent all night looking at how to do makeup and hair. He’d helped Pepper do her hair countless of times, and had watched as she’d done her makeup, even lending a hand for matching eyeliner. He set down the makeup case on a table he had cleaned off last night, and dragged over a spare chair and mirror. After that, he walked over to a sleeping Shuri, and asked her AI how long she had slept.
“Overall, about five hours including when you were in the lab with her,” he responded, “more than she has slept in the past five days.
Jesus, Tony thought, and laid a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her awake. She jerked and sat upright, rubbing her eyes and then blinking blearily up at him.
“Come on, we’re getting ready for your meeting. In the shower,” he said, helping her up. She nodded, mumbled something that sounded like a “good morning,” then stumbled to a door by the sink. As she was showering, tony set up the array of brushes and pallets that he’d brought with him, prepared to do a natural look with a mix of silver and brown.
After she got out, he did just that. They were running on time according to his schedule, and finished makeup at around 9:30. She then picked out an outfit, and he did her hair.
“Why?” She asked in the middle of hair.
“What do you mean?” He asked, playing dumb. He was working her braids into one big Dutch braid, and it looked pretty good.
“Why are you helping me? You barely even know me,” Shuri questioned. Tony hummed and thought for a moment.
“Because you need it.”
He finished the braid and she turned to face him. Her eyes were more awake, with a light in them he hadn’t noticed was there. To his surprise, she sneered at him.
“I’m doing fine, thanks,” she said, tone defiant, posture challenging. He surprised a laugh, because god, when she was mad she looked like Peter-
The air went out of his lungs, he couldn’t breathe.
Not good enough never good enough the kid the kid he was holding the kid and he wasn’t holding the kid and why was he disappearing too he deserved it why, why, oh the kid the kid all his fault everything’s his fault and WHY ISN'T HE DEAD-
“Tony?” Shuri’s voice was frantic and effectively snapped him back to reality and when did he get on the floor? He didn’t remember falling. Shuri was leaning over him, looking anxious and unsure of what to do.
“Tony are you okay?” She asked, her expression a mask of concern. Tony tried to form words, but found he couldn’t. Instead he just nodded.
“You remind my of my kid,” he said, his voice cracking and thick. He could see Shuri’s eyes melt in sympathy, then harden in determination.
“You remind me of-“ her voice cut off, her eyes clouded with emotion, and then she was standing up and pulling away from him. Tony wondered what she was about to say. T’chaka? T’challa? He got up too, handing her a bag he’d previously made with a notepad, water, and food.
“Thank you,” She said earnestly, avoiding his eyes and taking the bag.
“You- uh- remind me of Baba,” she said, turning to the door and leaving it swing shut behind her.
He watched her go sadly, then eyed the lab. Time to get to work.
••••••••••
When Shuri got back, she looked significantly more tired than she had before. The first thing she did upon returning was mumble a “hi” and make her way over to the small kitchenette. She took out a pack of microwaveable Mac and cheese, added water, and watched as it turned in the microwave. Her makeup and hair was still on point, which tony grinned at.
“How’d the meeting go?” He asked her. She shrugged, the dress’ sleeves shifting.
“Fine,” She said, then thought for a moment.
“Tiring. Long,” She elaborated, and Tony nodded in understanding. The microwave beeped, and the took her Mac and cheese out and hastily shoved spoonfuls in her mouth. She made her way over to the couch, where she sat down and visibly relaxed. He continued loading up trash into bins, where they would be transported to a recycling deposit outside.
She leaned forward on the couch and eyes him carefully.
“Why are you here?” She asked. Somehow it wasn’t offensive, just curious.
“I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just asking why you’re staying,” she added. He thought for a moment, about what happened, how he landed his ship on Wakanda and just stated.
He forced himself not to think about the thing that happened on titan. Forced himself to control his breathing.
“You okay?” Her gentle voice came from the couch.
“You form have to talk about it, i was just wondering is all.” She paused for a moment then added, “maybe you should sit. You look a little pale.”
He nodded absently and went to sit on a chair near the couch. He could feel her gaze on him, soft and concerned. The chair was leather, and he felt the creases it held. It helped him focus, and take his mind away from it.
“After-“ he cleared his throat- “What happened, Nebula and I landed in Wakanda. And I guess I like it here and don’t really want to leave,” he said. He could hear his voice tremble and he couldn’t help but think: weak. You’re weak. Can’t even show her that you have shit together. Can’t even pretend.
“Hey, What are you thinking?” Shuri asked. He looked over at her and his eyes must have said everything for him because she got up and knelt in front of him.
“Hey, hey, calm down. What’s happening?” She asked, searching his eyes for answers.
Fail you failed the kid you failed the kid you failed you kid-
“Tony, you need to talk to me now,” Shuri’s voice was firm. Tony shook his head.
“I’m fine,” he barely got out, his voice shaking, hands trembling.
“Don’t bullshit me. I’m not stupid.”
Why couldn’t you have done more why aren’t you dead you should be dead not him because you failed you failed and now he’s gone and it your fault, it's your fault it your/
“All my fault,” Tony said, and suddenly he couldn’t stop saying it.
“All my fault it’s all my fault,” he repeated, avoiding her gaze and shaking. He could feel her beside him, shaking her head vigorously.
“No, no it’s not, it’s not your fault. Hey, look at me.” She put a hand on his shoulder and looked into his chocolate eyes with her own.
“Stop saying that because it is not true. Whatever you keep telling yourself stop it now, because it is just monsters trying to play tricks on you,”she said. Her voice was warm and comforting, and he found that he was suddenly tired. Sleep. Sleep sounds nice right now. He nodded to Shuri, who was still spewing reassurances earnestly.
“You’re tired, yeah, that’s okay, we can talk in a little while, yeah?” She said soothingly. Tony nodded to her, and she helped him stand up and move to the couch.
A few more comforting words later, she was leaving for a meeting and he was alone.
His muffled tears were the only noise in the room until he finally fell into sleep.
••••••••••
He woke up screaming, crying, thrashing, calling for Peter, for his kid, his kid. And his kid was disappearing, and oh god it was all his fault.
He looked around once he realized where he was, realized he was alone. Shuri was at a meeting still. It was good that she didn’t see him like that. He sat up. He needed to move, to go. He looked at his watch. 1:30.
He got up and made his way around the lab, looking at her accomplishments. He picked up a few pieces of scraps, but didn’t do much for cleaning. He needed to build something, something to distract his mind from the thing. He looked at the pile of broken scraps and decided to build from there. A challenge. And Shuri wouldn’t get mad at him if he didn’t build from her current materials.
He picked up important pieces, routine taking over, and the comforting sensation of the pieces and welding and circuitry took over. When he was building he could be useful. He could be someone who didn’t fuck it up.
••••••••••
Shuri walked back towards her lab, feeling better than she usually did after meetings. This meeting went relatively well, considering all of the chaos happening. Mama was there. She didn’t see her mom much lately. She stuck to her lab, and mama stuck to wherever she was now. It was mostly Okoye who visited her and made sure she was eating and sleeping. The lack of people did not help the aching void that was her heart. Loneliness took over sometimes, and she wondered what the point of all this work was if she was just going to fail anyway. When she got really low, she would look at one specific gun that was sitting on a workbench. Then she would turn away. She was scared of that gun, scared of what she would do if she held it.
Tony was helping, even though he’d only been there for a day and a half. She didn’t feel the weight of loneliness as much, and she knew he was watching her, keeping her safe from the gun in the corner.
When she got back he was building. No surprise there. Every inventor needed to build after a stretch of not building. She sat there for a moment and watched him, his features lighting up with an idea, his expression ...content? He was at ease, letting his fingers move and build. She smiled and took a step further into the lab.
He noticed her and jumped back a little bit. His face was hard and expressionless again. Is that what she looked like?
“Hey,” He said, “how did the meeting go? Better?”
She shrugged.
“At least we got some stuff done,” she replied, looking at what he was making and smiling. A repulser. It probably reminded him of home, of safe.
“You know we can have stuff imported from your other lab,” she said, moving towards the kitchenette again. Mac and cheese. Amazing invention.
“You can?” She could hear the hope in his voice. And smiled. And then stopped and realized. This was the most she’d smiled since….
“Can we talk about what happened? I don’t want to trigger you again, so can we just talk about what they are?” She asked, hoping to dear god he wouldn’t freak out again. She’d had some peachy panic attacks of her own, and hoped it wouldn’t happen in front of him.
“Yeah, sure,” He said, but he was getting that look of distance that he got when panicking, and his face crumpled in like it did when the monsters in his head were talking to him. He came over and sat down on the couch. She sat next to him.
“I can’t talk about anything that even remotely mentions the thing,” he said, forcing himself to breathe.
“I can’t talk about wormholes and I can’t be around cold, sitting water.” He took a shaky breath.
“What about you?” He asked, and she forced herself to laugh a little.
“I don’t really have triggers. No panic attacks for me. All good here.” She could tell how fake her voice sounded, and he knew it too. She knew he knew. He knew she knew he knew.
He nodded and got up again, picked up a screwdriver and began working on the repulser again. She was a little surprised at his efficiency and knowledge of repulsor technology, but then again he was Iron man. He kinda had to.
She picked up the papers for her next meeting and adjusted her lip gloss. On point. Perfect.
“I have to go for another meeting,” she said. She’s betting he could hear the exhaustion in her voice, because he looked up.
“You sure you’re okay to?” He asked, and she was a little taken aback by the question.
“You mean not go?” She asked. He nodded. And she was immediately shocked.
“I can’t tell you how many times Pepper stepped in for me because I didn’t want to go,” he elaborated. She laughed a little in irony.
“I have no one that can step in for me,” she said, the tone of sadness so evident in her voice she cursed herself for not disguising it. Tony sat up straighter.
“I can fill in for your six. Just tell me what I need to do and I can,” He said. She smiled at him (real smile again), but shook her head.
“No, that’s okay. I’ve got it. This one’s only a half hour anyway.”
“How long is your next one?”
She sighed, then said, “two hours.”
He looked at her and smiled a little.
“That’s okay. After this one you can take a break, yeah?” His ignorance made her smile. She had no time for breaks. She was head of both the science department of Wakanda and Queen of Wakanda. She had no time for breaks. And what with everything that happened, she couldn’t afford to waste time. She shook her head.
“I’m sorry, but no. I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you in a while,” she said, then walked out, prepared for another half hour of bashing and silent mental breakdowns in a conference room.
••••••••••
She was near tears when she got out, and rushed to the nearest bathroom, where she threw up. The meeting was all about T’Challa, her brother, who was….
Who was…..
She couldn’t think about it, but she didn’t have to because they continued telling her.
She wiped off her face with a paper towel, then made her way down to the lab. Her comfort. Her home. She needed silence.
When she got there she found tony nowhere to be seen. Relief washed over her, and she began sobbing, shaking. She curled in on herself and wailed and cried. The weight of everything was too much, it was too much, and the gun, it was right there. Nothing was stopping her from walking over and-
“Shuri?” Tony stood in the doorway, holding two mugs of something. He immediately rushed over, setting the mugs down. He looked at then gun, where her gaze was just a moment before, and she watched the pieces click into place. Oh no. Oh no ohno ohno nononono-
“Shuri, Hey, look at me. It’s okay. We are going to get this sorted out, okay? We’ll just talk about it, and everything will be okay, okay?” He asked her. She shook her head and buried it into her knees.
“You weren’t supposed to find out. You weren’t supposed to know,” she sobbed. He was sitting behind her back, and she found she wanted to lean into him, wanted him to be there.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said, sounding so sure that she found herself believing him. She kept crying, not believing he found out, crying because of her brother, oh her brother.
All your fault.
“Hey, no. Stop talking like that.” Tony grabbed an arm that was hiding her face and linked her hand with his.
All her fault all her fault-
“Shuri, you need to stop now. Once this spiral gets started, it’s impossibly hard to stop. So stop now and look at me and tell me what’s got you worked up, okay?”
Shuri felt her mind snapping, felt herself break and give way.
“I- I can't- T’Challa-“ she hiccuped.
“T’Challa’s gone, okay? He’s gone, oh my god he’s gone. And I don’t fucking know what to do.”
She was slowly uncurling from her fetal position on the couch, and suddenly he was right there, hugging her, telling her it was going to be okay.
“T’Challa’s GONE, and nothing is going to be okay again. NOTHING IS, don’t you get it? There’s too much pressure and oh god, I’m so scared.” Her voice cracked, and she was in Tony’s arms.
“It’s right there! It would be easy to- there’s too much pressure- I’m scared… what if I…..you know…” he drew back and looked at her.
“You mean what if you decide to pick it up?” He asked, and she nodded.
“Something’s wrong with me, isn’t there? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Somethings wrong with me,” she was whispering by the end, and tony rocked her back and forth in his arms.
“Nothing is wrong with you, you hear me? Nothing. It is normal to feel this shitty in the pressure you have.”
He paused for a moment.
“Where’s your mother in all of this?” Shuri jerked, full body spawned and pulled away because he was going to tell her he was going to tell her he was-
“No, false. I’m not going to tell her. I'm just asking if she has as much pressure too,” Tony explained. Shuri relaxed.
“I-I don’t know. I don’t really see her ever,” she said, more tears leaking out of her eyes. Tony brushed some away with his calloused hands.
“I think if you are under this much stress we need to let her know. She is in charge of Wakanda too, and I think she can take some of it off your shoulders.”
Shuri shook her head, then said, “I don’t want to put more stress on her. What with B-Baba and T’Challa.”
Tony slid a hand down and gripped her shoulder.
“If you’re getting to the point of that-“ he glanced at the gun- “I think you need a little less pressure, yeah?” He asked. Shuri sobbed harder.
“It’s- it’s not like that! I’m not- I’m not-“ she couldn’t finish the word.
“Suicidal?” Tony asked. There was a sadness in his eyes as he said it.
“Shuri, I want you to tell me how far these thoughts go. And whatever you tell me, you are not weak. You will be okay and I will make sure of that. Nothing is wrong with admitting this. I know it is hard, it took me a long time before I figured out I needed help, but just be completely honest with me. Tell me how bad it is,” Tony said. His voice was soothing, making Shuri relax a little.
“I can’t help if you don’t talk to me. Whenever you are ready,” he said, hugging her. She nodded, and let her sobs subside before speaking.
“Sometimes when I’m alone, when no one has checked on me for a while, my mind goes dark. I just sometimes think like, if no one is paying attention to me for purposes other than business, does anyone really want me here?” Shuri’s voice cracked, and she wiped her nose. Tony was shaking his head, but Shuri plowed on.
“I know I need help. I know it-“ the sobs were coming in full again- “but I don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t know what the next step would be. Okoye would know what to do, but she’s busy with her own stuff. I don’t even know my mom anymore.” Her voice cut off, and she was holding on to tony like he was her lifeline. “I was hoping it would go away. But every time I see it I just get really freaked out and then I get really scared and I was thinking about moving it but I don’t want to touch it because I’m scared I would…”
“I get it,” Tony said softly, grabbing a tissue on a side table and handing it to her. She took it gratefully, wondering how she was comfortable enough to cry on him even though she’d only known him for two days. She felt him shift, and she was laying on his chest, an arm wrapped around her shoulders protectively.
“I don’t know what to do.” Shuri’s voice was desperate and broken, even to her own ears. Tony sat there, and a wave of gratification washed over her.
“Okay. Let’s make a plan. You are going to take a shower, then eat, then sleep. What is your meeting later today on?”
“Science conference. How it affected the technological advances of the world. You can’t go. You’ll get triggered and have a panic attack in public.”
Indeed, his breathing was already getting short, but he forced himself to focus.
“Griot, get someone down here from the science department to fill in and take notes for Shuri.”
“Yes Sir.”
They sat there, like that, until Shuri’s breathing became steadier.
“You’ll be fine in the shower?” He asked, and even though his tone was light, both of them knew what he was saying. Shuri nodded, and pulled away to go to the small bathroom, picking up pajamas on the way.
••••••••••
Tony then consulted Griot, Shuri’s AI.
“Hey, when can I schedule a meeting with Shuri’s mother next?” he asked.
“Queen Ramonda can meet with you two days from now at one o’clock. Would you like me to inform her you wish to speak with her?”
“Yes please. Thanks Griot” he replied, then thought a minute.
“Could you send an employee to get me all the ingredients needed for chicken and alfredo. Is shuri allergic to anything?”
“Princess Shuri is not allergic to anything. Sending someone your way now.”
“Thanks. By the way, can you pull up the stats for Shuri’s meals and sleep patterns from one year.” it was one year since that psycho invaded Wakanda? How did that affect Shuri?
The graphs were pulled up, and Tony took in the decline. Before the Psycho incident, she was happy and living life. Head of the science department, she was inventing new technologies for battle and for the well being of the people. However, after the Psycho incident (as tony was officially calling it), her health declined. She was sleeping way less frequently, getting about five less hours of restful sleep. This left her with three to four hours. Her eating patterns also shifted, she had went from three full meals a day to two or one, and even those were infrequent. After the thing happened, her health decreased still. Getting one hour of sleep at most for a week, then crashing at random places and times for three hours. Barely eating anything, never getting a full meal per day. He felt a surprising rush of empathy, pain coiling tight around his heart.
Next he looked at the chart of visits people gave Shuri, and what they were for. Her most frequent visitor for personal healthcare was Okoye, ho came about once every few days. Since the thing, she was the only visitor for that purpose. Next he looked at the visits for business purposes, including meetings. And holy shit how the living hell was she living like this? She had an average of four meetings a day, usually about two for the science department and two as the Queen of Wakanda. She also had around 9 people stopping by her workshop and needing some new blueprints or paperwork and whatnot.
He stared at the stats, watching the pressure go up and her health go down, and sighed. He needed to get back to that alfredo, overcome with a desperate need to help her. He got busy with the alfredo, not even noticing when she emerged from the shower. He hadn’t bothered to hide the statistics, forgetting that they were even there.
So when he turned around and she was staring at them, he quickly felt guilt rise up in his chest. Her eyes were glassy, and her face was absolutely void of any expression. He couldn’t tell if that was a good or a bad thing. He slowly walked over to her, making sure not to make any sudden movements, because she was probably triggered by the decline in her health and he didn’t want to freak her out.
“Shuri?” he said tentatively. She looked up, horror dawning on her face. He opened his arms and she walked in to them, crying onto his chest quietly.
“Griot, away with the stats please,” he said immediately once they were out of her view. He carefully walked her over to a chair by the stove and sat her down, crouching before her.
“Talk to me,” he said, and the desire to protect just washed over him. She gave a little sob before beginning to speak.
“I’m sorry, i know i barely know you and you barely know me, you really don’t need to be dealing with my-”
“Going to stop you right there,” tony stood up and flipped the chicken, “first, absolutely nothing to apologize for. Second, it really doesn’t matter that we barely know each other, because we need you, and you need me. We’ll get to know each other over time, don’t worry about that part. And in case you have not noticed yet, taking care of others helps distract me and helps me cope with what is happening. So don’t apologize.”
Shuri stared at him with wide eyes, looking at him in disbelief.
“Still. Talk to me. About anything. We can deal with your triggers and your health and shit later.” Shuri nodded, then opened her mouth, then closed it again.
“I like music,” she blurted. “Especially hip hop and rap, though I could really go for anything,” she said, looking at tony uncertainty. Tony smiled to himself, then looked over and nodded encouragingly.
“Favorite artists?” he asked, and she smiled a little.
“Like Logic, Juice WRLD, NF, Ryan Oakes, stuff like that.” tony nodded, then raised his eyebrows, silently telling her to continue. She did, after a moment.
“I thought about playing an instrument for a while, but it's not like I have the time or patience for that.”
There was a moment of silence, both lost in thought.
“I hate avocados. And snickers,” she said, then laughed a little. He grinned.
“Same on the avocados. But how can one not like snickers? Blasphemy,’’ he said, still smiling.
“How can one like snickers? Now that is a sin. Pretty sure its one of the seven deadly.”
“Already know i am going to hell, so might as well.”
“Same.” they both were smiling, which was considered a miracle.
There was another moment of silence, where tony stirred the sauce and Shuri watched him.
“Done!” he announced, scooping out plates and handing one to her. She took it and stood up. They made their plates in silence.
When they sat down, Tony began explaining softly what was going to happen.
“Are you good to talk about this right now? I am just going to let you know what will be happening over the next few days and weeks.” Shuri nodded, and tony pressed on.
“First I am going to have a meeting with your mom two days from now. Here is what i am going to tell her.” he could feel shuri tense and watched her set down her fork.
“I'm going to say the following: you have been under a lot of pressure and are coping in ways considered unhealthy. I'm not going to specify what ways. Next I am going to ask her if she might consider stepping in for you for some of your meetings as queen. I am going to gather her mental state, then tell you how she is doing. Relationships are hard, and I get that. You don't want to completely break away from her and I say his from experience. I have broken away from people, and then I’m alone. I think at some point this week you should go talk to her. See how she is doing. It can be a quick call or whatever, but I advise it all the same.”
Shuri was looking at him like he was the best thing that had happened to her. Her eyes were glassy again, and he saw a tear leak out which was quickly wiped away.
“Come here,” Tony said, opening his arms. Shuri practically ran into them, burying her face in Tony’s shoulder. Tony smiled softly to himself.
“Step two: talking about your eating and sleeping,” he said, and noticed how Shuri absolutely froze under him.
“Not ready yet?” he asked her, and she nodded. He began to rub her back comfortingly.
“That is completely okay. Let’s finish dinner, yeah?” he moved his chair so it would sit next to Shuri’s, keeping a comforting hand on her the whole time. She melted into him, then started eating ravishly, like she hadn’t had a full meal in a while. Then again, tony supposed she hadn’t.
“Tak to me. Something different.” Shuri smiled again (score!) and set down her fork for a minute.
“I had an idea about a suit for me. Maybe if we weaved vibranium into the fabric instead of plating it on the outside, the fabric may have the strength to withstand bullets and move flexibly,” she said, smiling animatedly.
“Assuming that the strength of the vibranium does not completely compromise the flexibility of the suit material.”
Shuri deflated a little, then lit up again.
And so, they got into a lighthearted debate about vibranium and suit material.
If i can watch her smile like this, I could talk about vibranium forever, tony thought, smiling at her. He saw a light in her eyes that he hadn’t seen there before. He resolved to make her smile again. One per day.
Start small. One smile will turn into a lot of smiles.
**********
“I’m ready to talk about step two now,” Shuri said quietly while she was at her desk working on (yet more) paperwork.
Tony was across the workshop, and nodded, smiling encouragingly. He walked over to her, pulling up a chair and sitting down across from her.
“Okay. eating and sleeping. So i will be making at least two meals for you per day. You can eat while you work, I don't care. As long as you eat it. As for sleeping, I want you to be getting at least five hours per night-”
Shuri jerked and protested, standing up and pacing back and forth and back and forth.
“Yeah, no,” she said. He could see the tension in her posture, coiled tight.
“Let’s just work this out. Talk this out,” Tony said, but to no avail. Shuri turned to face him much faster than should be physically possible.
“Look, you aren’t my parent. You aren’t baba, or T’challa, or mama. You don’t get to tell me what to do, or how much sleep to get. You don’t know any fucking thing about my life, so fuck OFF.”
There was dead silence, where Shuri breath was ragged and sharp. She had stopped pacing, and there were tears slowly leaking out of her eyes.
Tony was the first to make a move. Slowly nodding, he stood up, trying to ignore the mix of sadness and panic and hurt. He needed to get out of there, to run, hide, fight. He couldn’t look her in the eye as he walked to the door.
“Tony-”
He walked faster, could not stop the emotions flowing from him. Tears started coming fast, and he was out the door. He did not look back.
**********
It had been a few hours, and Shuri was still crying. Sappy, she knew. She had just had the worst panic attack since the snap, and she knew what she needed.
Tony. she needed Tony.
And how could she not? He had proven to be the only thing that could keep her grounded, and she blew it. Like she blew everything.
Of course, she thought, of course.
He said “sleep,” and she had frozen. Didn’t he understand that she wanted to sleep? Didn’t he understand that she just couldn’t?
She sighed and moved back to paperwork, but she couldn’t focus on anything. Especially with these constant tears in her eyes, blurring everything around her. Couldn’t stop thinking about Tony, how she had fucked it up, again, and you know now he probably didn’t want to ever be around her, great. Amazing. This couldn't possibly get any better.
More tears, more sighs, more pieces of paper going into the trash.
She got lost in thought, staring out into open space with tears streaming down her face. She had no clue how long she sat there, just knew that she had to go see Tony. but he probably didn’t want to see her, not after she snapped at him like that. Her thoughts swished back and forth, she stood up, then sat down again. Finally, she came to a conclusion.
“Griot, what is Tony currently doing?” she asked him. There was a moment of silence as Griot surveyed the cameras of the palace.
“Standing outside your door, wondering if he should come in and talk to you.”
Oh.
Oh shit.
“Can you open the door for him please?”
“Absolutely.”
She heard footsteps and braced herself for whatever Tony was going to tell her. She turned her head to meet his gaze, not sure what to say or how to react. They stared at each other for a little while, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Shuri noticed how his posture had changed, how he appeared to be more confident and made of iron. Shuri knew better. He was just protecting himself, preparing himself the same way she was. Finally he opened his mouth.
“I’m sorry,” they blurted at the exact same time. Shuri gave a watery smile at him before gesturing for his to continue.
“You first,” she said softly. He nodded.
“I know I am not your parent. I’m not even a parent. Ever since it happened, things have been emptier. Without my kid, things have been way more emptier. I know he is- i know he is gone, and i know i can never replace your father’s, of brother’s or mother’s place in your life, but i can play a pretty nice hobo uncle.”
Shuri gave a choked laugh, and Tony returned what could have been a smile.
“Tony, you know you are a billionaire,” she said, smiling at him, the tear making themselves home on her face. He nodded, grinning, but it quickly disappeared at his next words.
“If I was- if it was too much, i’m sorry. I’ll back off. I know it was probably a lot. Too much. I’m sorry- I’ll just- you know- I’ll leave now,” he said, quickly growing embarrassed and flushing. She took in his heavy breathing and his glassy eyes, and shook her head.
“No,” she said, “hang on.” he made a strangled noise, and clashed his eyes with hers.
“I should be the one apologizing,” she said, managing to keep her composure.
“I snapped at you when I should not have. You didn’t deserve that. You were just trying to help. I am a mess, Tony, and I didn't feel as messy when you were with me. The reason I reacted like that was because its is not easy for me to sleep, and I try and avoid it whenever possible. You have been nothing but patient with me, and I am sorry i took that and used it against you. I’m really glad you are here and helping me.”
He looked at her with wide eyes, and smiled. A huge, beaming, brilliant smile. She smiled back, and for the first time in a long time, se felt like she was truly going to be okay, especially with Tony Stark by her side.