district 13 - part 3
katniss’s pov
As much as I thought I was going to hate it, it’s not so bad being a patient in the hospital again. I can finally take a break from filming propos without feeling guilty over it, I can sleep in, and I get to visit Prim and Johanna whenever I want.
Prim and I were able to convince the doctors to move her bed into my room, so we spend almost every moment together. Johanna comes to visit sometimes. Other times we go to her room, bombing in on her with no warning and convincing her to play a game with us. Prim made makeshift cards out of old hospital stationery, so we’ve been teaching Johanna every card game that we can remember. It reminds me of being little again, when I would play cards with my parents and Prim.
Finnick and Annie join us sometimes. He teaches us a word game from 4, where all the cards are different letters and you’re supposed to make words, building off of each other in a grid until someone runs out of letters. Prim turns out to be unstoppable at it and begs to play it constantly.
Everyone’s favorite game is Spoons. One of Prim’s coworkers managed to sneak us a few extra spoons to play with, and thankfully the hospital staff haven’t confiscated them yet. It turns violent quickly, but we always end up laughing as someone (usually Johanna) wrestles someone else (usually Finnick) for the last spoon like their lives depend on it. Johanna takes every game so seriously, especially Spoons, but it’s comforting to see her have fun like her old self again.
And maybe that’s what makes a difference to me, because I start to feel the way I used to about her. We’re playing a round of Finnick’s word game when I look over at Johanna and realize I don’t feel so heartbroken around her anymore. She’s staring intently at the board, her brow furrowed, her fingers shuffling her letters around as she thinks, and I think she’s beautiful. I don’t see her scars anymore, don’t worry about accidentally hurting her when I touch her. A grin breaks across her face and she raises her letters.
“‘Lazy,’ plus triple word score. 48 freaking points,” Johanna declares. She doesn’t swear in front of Prim, and I still can’t get over how cute I think it is. “Beat that, Everdeens.”
Prim whines, “I was gonna go there!”
“I told you, I’m gonna beat you this time.”
“Well, I’m still really close. Right, Katniss?”
I check the scoreboard, adding Johanna’s points to her total. “Sort of. Johanna’s winning by 20 points.”
Johanna cackles evilly and takes a bow.
“I can make that up in a couple turns,” Prim says confidently.
“Oh yeah?” Johanna reaches over and tickles Prim. “Good luck with that.”
I hardly even pay attention to my own score. They’re both too good for me to keep up with them, and I just like seeing them together. Prim brings out a sweet side of Johanna, and Johanna’s always making her laugh. It’s like they click together, like the three of us are just meant to be.
But we only get to enjoy a week of living like this, because a doctor finally brings me discharge papers. Coin needs her Mockingjay back in action, so I’m supposed to finally move into my own room, down the hall from my mother and Prim. The doctor makes the mistake of leaving me alone with the papers, and I never sign them.
The next morning, Prim rolls over in her bed and asks me, “Why don’t you want to be discharged?”
“I don’t know. I like the way things are right now.”
She smiles. “You’ll still be able to come visit us. Besides, I’m getting discharged soon anyways. And I heard that they’re getting pretty close to letting Johanna go too.” She pauses for a moment, then quietly adds, “If it’s about you getting hurt again, you don’t have to worry about us. We can look out for each other.”
I reach my hand out to her. “I’ll be ok. I promise.”
“I know you will be. But I thought you should know…I’m really proud of you for fighting. And I know Johanna is too. So if you’re afraid to fight because you don’t want to worry us, just remember that we know you’re fighting for us.”
“When did you get so wise, little duck?” I chuckle.
She grins and squeezes my hand. “Oh, also…you didn’t hear this from me, but if you and Johanna agree to be roommates, they might discharge her faster.”
And so I ask the doctors if they’ll let me and Johanna room together. It would be perfect, because then we could get out of the hospital and I could still keep an eye on her. I have to wait as the doctors confer with each other, and then finally, Dr. Aurelius comes into my room.
“Yes, on one condition,” he says. “Meet me in Johanna’s room in an hour.”
An hour later, I walk into Johanna’s room, not sure what to expect. Dr. Aurelius looks up from his papers and smiles. “Katniss, welcome. Nice to see you again.” He gestures to an empty chair across from Johanna.
I’m too nervous to say anything back, so I take my seat silently.
“I’m not sure if you were told why we’re here, but Johanna and I agreed that the three of us should have a chat before you two move in together,” he says, leaning forward in his chair. “Before we begin, I want you both to know that we can stop at any point, if it becomes too much. Just relax, and try to talk freely. Johanna, you can go ahead when you’re ready.”
Johanna holds up a piece of paper. Her hands are shaking as she clears her throat and looks down at the page. “I, um…I wrote it down because I wasn’t sure how to say it. And I thought…I better think about it, before I say it.”
I nod, but I feel like I could jump out of my skin.
She takes a deep breath and begins. “A few weeks ago, I made you promise to stop feeling bad for me. I wanted us to be friends again, like we were before the Capitol…tortured me.” She stumbles over the word, like she can’t stand to say it. “But I know now that I can’t keep pretending that nothing happened. Because everything that happened is something I still have to deal with. I survived it, but I still have to heal.”
I’m kind of surprised to hear her admit it, especially after the promise we made. And I thought she was doing a lot better, but now…I’m not so sure.
Johanna pauses and takes another deep breath. “I need you to know what I’m dealing with. I want you to know what I went through, because I don’t want you to be confused about why…why certain things are hard for me. So I—we want you to read my chart.”
Dr. Aurelius hands me a sheet of paper.
I stop short at the first few words. I can’t do this. I can’t read this, not when they’re both staring at me, waiting to see how I react. Certain words jump out at me, and then the whole page starts to blur together. I can’t do this. I can’t.
“You don’t have to read it right now,” Johanna offers.
“Actually,” Dr. Aurelius cuts in, “I think you should read it now, Katniss. If you can. That way we can be here to support you and answer any questions that you have.”
As much as I want to fight him or give up and run out of the room, I nod. I have to do this for Johanna. She would do it for me, and she needs me to do this. So I force myself to look at the page and read it completely.
Emaciation. I see Johanna sitting in the hospital bed on that first night, looking like someone from the Seam who had already starved to death. Bruising to the left arm. I’m wrapping the blood pressure cuff around her arm, stopping when I see the marks scattered all over. Morphling dependency. I picture her stealing my morphine drip, and me letting her do it because I thought I was helping her. Multiple burns. Marks from restraint. Scars to chest region. It’s too much, and then I get to the worst part.
While in Capitol custody, patient’s room was frequently flooded as a means of torture. She was given significant electric shocks, leading to an event where she required resuscitation.
A horrible image fills my mind of Johanna trapped in a flooding room, banging on the door and screaming for help as the water rises. And then the electric shock. She dies for a moment, just like Cole and Blight did when they hit the forcefield in the arena, and a group of Gamemakers bring her back to life just to shock her again. I watch it happen over and over again as I reread that sentence.
I hand the paper back to Dr. Aurelius, not meeting his eyes or Johanna’s.
“Is there anything you’d like to talk more about?” He asks. I can tell he’s trying to be kind, but I don’t have the strength for it.
“No.”
“Ok. Johanna?”
“No,” she answers.
Then Dr. Aurelius excuses himself and promises to be right outside if we need him.
I can’t take it anymore. I get up so quickly that I almost fall out of my seat. Johanna stands up immediately and I throw myself at her, wrapping my arms around her body and burying my head in her shoulder. I feel her hand on my back, and her gentleness is the thing that finally breaks me.
“Shh,” she whispers in my ear as I start to cry. “It’s ok.”
“It’s not ok. You know it’s not.”
“Yeah, ok. It’s fucked up.”
I laugh, then choke on a sob and grab her tighter.
After a moment, we separate enough for me to wipe the tears off my face. Her hand lingers on my shoulder for a moment, but then she seems to realize and quickly pulls it back. She clears her throat awkwardly and says, “So…I guess we can move in now. Training starts tomorrow.”