74th - part 14
johanna’s pov
I don’t know how long I’ve been lying in bed. At first, I just sat here and tried not to feel anything. Once that proved to be impossible, I ordered a bunch of food and feasted until I couldn’t bear to take another bite. I spent a couple hours in the shower. But despite everything, I still feel like shit.
Blight tried to bother me at first, but I screamed at him and I guess he decided not to push me. After a couple years, he knows to give me space when I get like this. Otherwise, he usually leaves with a couple bruises.
I hear the door of the apartment close loudly and I figure it must be time for him to go down and take Katniss’s place. Even though he doesn’t have to anymore, technically. I’m not sure where our alliance stands now. Technically, he and I could go home to 7. We don’t have any sort of responsibility to stick around for.
But the thought didn’t cross my mind until now.
I get to my feet and I’m about to order more food when someone knocks on the door.
When I open it, Katniss doesn’t say anything for a moment. She just stands there looking at me, taking in the sight of my breakdown. I know I probably look horrifying, and I feel my face flush with the shame of it all. I should just close the door in her face.
“I brought you a coffee,” she says, holding up her hand. I hadn’t even noticed the cup. “Black, the way nature intended.”
A smile crosses my face before I can stop it. I reach for the coffee, take a sip, and step backwards, allowing her to come into my room. I don’t know what to say. I’m kinda hoping she’ll say something to piss me off just so I can get angry again and stop feeling all this awkward sadness.
But Katniss doesn’t speak either. She just wanders around my room, smiles at the trees in the digital window, and tries not to look at the pile of dirty clothes I left in a corner earlier. I sip the coffee. Between the warmth and the act of drinking something, it helps. I’m still not doing great, but at least I don’t feel quite as shitty.
“So Blight’s still watching with Haymitch?” I finally ask, breaking the silence.
Katniss stops walking around and nods at me. “He told me you were up here.”
“Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know. You could’ve gone anywhere.”
She’s right. I should’ve thought of that. But all I wanted to do was be alone, so I came here because I could lock the door. And get food delivered to me. And now, apparently, get black coffee hand-delivered.
Katniss sits on the corner of my bed and sighs. I don’t know why this is what reminds me that I have a hot girl in my bedroom, but it does, and I have to really fight to stop myself from thinking too much about that fact. Especially when Katniss turns to look at me, her gray eyes softer than usual. I’d normally be pissed that she’s looking at me with pity, but not now.
“Will you stay for the end of the Games or go back to 7?” she asks.
I take a sip of coffee and shrug. “Depends on what Blight wants to do,” I deflect, looking away from her in case she can suddenly read minds. I want to stay as long as she does. I want to get up tomorrow and sit in the viewing room with her, avoid watching the Games, talk about random shit and fake gag when her tributes kiss. And part of me wants to apologize for storming out on her earlier, but I don’t say that because another part of me is still too angry.
Katniss looks out at the fake trees for a moment, then turns back to me as she says, “I know we’re not allies anymore, but…” she smiles slightly, “if you stay, you should feel free to sit with me.”
I scoff lightly. “Oh, good. Glad I have your permission.”
“You know what I mean,” Katniss chuckles.
I do. She wants me to stay, she just won’t admit it. I don’t know why, but alright. I guess staying wouldn’t be the worst thing. And if Lance and Holly can’t—if someone else has to win, I want it to be one of the 12s. Or both of them.
“Well, if I’m staying, then we’re still allies,” I reply. Sure, we’re still allies. I don’t have tributes, but I’m still trying to help hers out. So we’re still allies. Mostly because it’s a helluva lot easier than being anything more than that. Even if we’re still allies now, that ends the second the Games end.
And then Katniss won’t be “my” anything.