Monica had come in to parent-teacher night prepared for a wide variety of awkward conversations. This was not one of them. Yet here she is, sitting across her desk from Iron Man, trying not to hurt his feelings. She hadn’t thought she’d be in a more awkward situation tonight than discussing with Ned Leeds’ father Ned’s inappropriate use of the computer labs on homecoming night. That’s just how life goes, though. Sometimes you’re telling a student’s parents about their child’s surprisingly good midterm grade, sometimes you’re sitting across from Iron Man, trying to find a kinder way to phrase “I can’t talk to you about Peter because you’re not his father.”
“So how does this work?” Tony Stark is asking, “I’ve never been to one of these before. My Dad wasn’t really a hands-on guy-”
It’s a lot more personal than anything she was expecting to come out of his mouth, making her think about Pepper Potts thanking her for looking after him, and the look on his face when Peter was hurting. It makes what she’s about to say much harder. “I’m sorry, Mr Stark, we’re not permitted to discuss our students with anyone other than a legally appointed parent or guardian, or someone formally nominated by that parent or guardian to come in their stead.”
Tony Stark looks thrown, just for a fraction of a second. He recovers so quickly it’s almost imperceptible. “See, I’m thinking he should just drop something to make more time for science. Gym, maybe, or English. Who needs that?” He continues like she hasn’t said anything.
Monica glances up at the door to the classroom, where Michelle Jones is standing with her mother. “You also don’t have an appointment,” she interrupts.
Tony Stark ignores her completely. “We’re looking at sending in the patent application for the fluid he’s been working on - you saw it when you came to the tower, back when it was apparently fine for you to talk to me about Peter - he could just use a few more hours…”
“Internship interviews and Parent-Teacher interviews are two different things, Mr Stark.”
Michelle Jones clears her throat. “Can we get this over with? We’ve kind of got a nurses’ strike to get to.” Her face is blank, the way it is when she’s trying especially hard to look uninterested in something. “Hi, Peter’s boss.”
Tony Stark raises an eyebrow at her. “Hi, Peter’s not-girlfriend.”
Michelle looks away, down at the ground, up at the ceiling, stiffening and shuffling uncomfortably. “He’s not my - I don’t even - we’re friends, I guess, kind of. He’s weird.”
Michelle’s mother is looking intrigued. “Who’s Peter?”
“No one,” says Michelle, stuffing her hands in her pockets and avoiding her mother’s eyes.
“Please excuse me, Mr Stark,” Monica interposes, “I have another appointment. If you’d like to discuss Peter’s internship, I’m sure we can organise a meeting at a later date.”
Tony Stark gets up, but he doesn’t leave, instead going over to read one of the research posters still up on the wall from the seniors mock science conference last week.
Deciding the best option is just to carry on like there isn’t a disgruntled superhero/scientific genius sulking in her classroom, Monica welcomes Michelle and her mother. They have both plainly decided that Tony Stark is not worth getting excited about.
“I’m so glad you’re making friends, MJ,” Michelle’s mother is saying warmly, “You know, I think I remember you mentioning this Peter before. One of the boys in your academic decathlon club, right? The one in your picture? The handsome one?”
It’s a very good lead in to the awkward topic Monica had been planning to raise with Michelle’s mother, about the amount of time Michelle spends sketching Peter during class instead of doing physics. Monica doesn’t take it. Michelle’s mortified enough as it is. They spend the next ten minutes discussing Michelle’s excellent grades and need for improvement in the group work component of the class while Tony Stark plays with the perpetual motion model one of the seniors had made for the conference.
Michelle and her mother leave to talk to Michelle’s art teacher, Michelle stony-faced while her mother peppers her with questions about Peter, suggesting Michelle invite him round for dinner or a study session.
Flash Thompson is next, with stern, distant parents who bombard Monica with demands and don’t direct a single word to their son for the entire interview. They’re not speaking to one another either and the whole situation is tenser than the time she sat in Tony Stark’s lab and watched Peter Parker disarm a bomb. Flash is trying too hard to pretend he doesn’t care and holding his midterm with the big red 92% where his parents can see it. Mr Thompson takes it from his hand without looking at his son. “This is unacceptable,” he states, “If Eugene is going to get into MIT he’ll need to improve.”
“92% is an extremely good score on this test,” Monica tells him, although she knows Flash made a few silly errors that he could have fixed with some checking. It was a very hard test. The only other person who’d scored above an 80 was Peter Parker, who’d got all the answers right but lost patience partway through and dashed off the answer to the last question without showing his working. He’d disappeared while all the other students were halfway through the test. She’d turned her back for a second to write the time remaining on the board and turned back to find an empty chair and an open window, Peter’s test abandoned on his desk.
“92% isn’t good enough for MIT,” Mr Thompson says coldly. “You’ll have to find some extra credit work for him.”
“Howard Stark would have really liked you,” Tony Stark says from the corner, where he’s reading someone’s poster about gamma radiation, “This isn’t right, by the way, they’ve totally misunderstood Banner’s theorem.”
The Thompsons look up and gape in unison, the first sign of family harmony for the whole interview.
It’s as though Monica has turned invisible. Flash and his father both get up and approach Tony Stark, identical obsequious expressions on their faces. Flash’s mother scrubs her face clean of annoyance and introduces herself condescendingly, emphasising the Dr. before her name. She seems to have picked up on the fact that Howard Stark’s approval is not a good thing. Her husband and son haven’t, rushing to shake Tony Stark’s hand, practically begging him to give Flash an internship. Monica is beginning to see where Flash learnt his social skills.
“I already have an intern,” Tony Stark says coldly, “His name is Peter Parker.”
“Please sit down,” Monica orders the family. They pause in their tracks, turning to look at her. She hasn’t been a teacher this long without developing a tone that people listen to. “We have more to discuss here.” They sit back down reluctantly. Tony Stark returns his attention to the posters.
“Now,” Monica says, folding her hands together on the desk in front of her, “I think we need to talk about Flash’s social skills.” Flash is self-important and blustering and has no idea how to make friends. He shows off his wealth and puts others down in order to impress people. If he doesn’t learn better ways to interact with his peers soon, he’ll permanently damage his own or someone else’s life.
The serious nature of what she’s saying doesn’t seem to register with any of them. Flash and his father keep glancing at Tony Stark, clearly impatient to get up and speak to him again. Dr Thompson’s phone rings while Monica is halfway through a sentence. She answers it, then leaves without acknowledging anyone else in the room and doesn’t return.
Monica is in the middle of a sentence about the value of empathy, which neither Flash nor his father are listening to, when there’s a knock on the door.
“I er, think it’s time for my interview?” Peter Parker says from the doorway, “Oh, hey, Mr Stark.” He’s taken three steps into the classroom before he pulls up abruptly. “Wait, what are you doing here? You’ve got to stop tracking me, Mr Stark, it’s weird.”
Monica looks at her watch. She’s run over time with the Thompsons. “Thank you for your time,” she tells them politely, “If you see any need for further discussion we can arrange a time for that, but I have another appointment now.” She smiles at May Parker, who’s standing behind Peter, looking disapprovingly at Flash.
“He didn’t even tell me about this, can you believe that?” Tony Stark is saying to May, “I had to find out from Karen.”
Flash Thompson and his father are lingering, trying to find a way to ingratiate themselves with Iron Man. Flash is glaring at Peter, who doesn’t appear to have noticed, too busy trading quips with his mentor.
“Why don’t you come and sit down?” Monica suggests to May. “How was your day?”
May looks across at Tony Stark and Peter, but they’ve been distracted by the gamma ray poster and are having a heated discussion about gamma decay and the possibility of it occurring in multiple ways. “I guess it’s just us then,” May says good-naturedly.
The Thompsons stand in the doorway, mouths gaping as Peter and Tony argue, and honestly, Monica doesn’t blame them.
“Are you suggesting Banner was wrong about gamma rays, Peter? Say that to his face, I dare you.” Tony Stark smirks.
Peter’s eyes widen. “No, no, I mean… well I’m just saying maybe the theorem only applies most of the time? Wait, I thought he was in space?”
“It’s complicated,” Tony Stark says, waving aside the mention of the Hulk being in space (and God, it’s tempting to forget the interview and just ask questions about that), and telling Peter to back up his argument.
“Just leave them to it,” May says, “We’ve lost them now.”
“Do you give permission for Tony Stark to be part of this interview?” Monica asks, “Remember, as Peter’s legal guardian, you have control over matters relating to his education. Decisions around schooling should be made between you and Peter, not by Peter’s… internship supervisor.” She glances up at the doorway, where the Thompsons are still standing frozen, watching Tony Stark and Peter Parker argue. “Flash, don’t you have another interview to get to?”
“Trust me,” May says, as the Thompsons finally leave, “I don’t give Tony Stark free rein over Peter. There are restrictions. But yes, he can be here.”
Monica opens her mouth to tell Peter and Tony Stark to join them, but May shakes her head. “There’s no point now they’ve started… besides, look how much fun they’re having…”
She’s right. Peter looks like an entirely different boy to the one she sees in class every day. In class, he’s bored, watching the clock and looking out the window. He’s quiet except when he’s whispering to Ned about things not related to class. His body language is closed in, and he never volunteers an answer, although he’s always right when he’s asked. But talking to Tony Stark, he’s expansive and enthusiastic, rattling off physics theories and data to back up his arguments. It’s hard not to smile looking at him. His eyes are shining and he’s standing tall, with none of the hesitance she’s used to seeing. And Tony Stark is smiling back, forgetting to put on a show. Monica is suddenly aware that she’s never seen a genuine smile from Tony Stark before. It’s beautiful.
“Peter’s very bright,” Monica says, even though they’re really not supposed to talk about anyone being more intelligent than anyone else in case it damages their personal development. “He’s doing very well, but there’s an issue with homework -”
She is cut off by a loud shriek from the biology room across the hallway.
Everyone freezes, looking towards the sound. Peter and Tony have ceased their debate, suddenly serious and alert. There’s more shrieking, accompanied by running footsteps, dress shoes clicking fast on linoleum, the dull thud of someone running in sneakers. Slamming doors and smashing glass and is that growling?
“Stay here,” Mr Stark instructs them, starting towards the door, “You too, kid.”
Peter follows him, hissing, “But you don’t have your suit, Mr Stark!”
“Trust me, kid, I’ve got it covered,” Tony Stark replies, rolling up his sleeve and pressing a button on his watch. Metal somehow flows out of it, forming a gauntlet over his hand.
Peter’s eyes widen. “Awesome!” He breathes. Then he shakes his head and returns his attention to the job at hand.
“Stay here and protect May and Ms Warren,” Tony Stark instructs. “Have you got your shooters?”
Peter shakes his head. “It’s parent-teacher night! I didn’t think I’d need them!” He looks at his Aunt and moves to crouch between her and the door.
Tony Stark goes to open the door, standing behind it, gauntlet at the ready. It slams open before he touches it. The Thompsons tumble in, frightened and dishevelled, all traces of snobbishness and composure gone. The door slams behind them.
“Flash! Are you okay?” Peter asks, concerned despite Flash’s treatment of him at school.
“The axolotls are giant!” Flash answers, breathing hard, his voice coming out high-pitched and scared. “The axolotls are giant and they broke out of the aquarium and now they don’t need to be in water and they’re chasing people and, and they’ve got big teeth!”
“Pull yourself together, Eugene,” Flash’s father says, standing up and straightening his tie. “You’re embarrassing yourself in front of Iron Man.”
“Did you do something, P-Parker? I bet you did, didn’t you? This is your fault, somehow,” Flash accuses his classmate.
Peter scoffs. “Of course I didn’t do anything, Flash. How would I turn the axolotls giant?”
Both May Parker and Tony Stark look slightly suspicious at that, but don’t call him on it.
Monica stands up behind her desk. This is her school the mutant walking fish are rampaging through. They can figure out what caused them later. “We’ll just have to capture them,” she announces calmly, “Giant axolotls are hardly the worst problem we’ve had at this school.”
Something thuds hard against the door, making the wood shudder and the hinges creak. Monica praises herself internally for having the maintenance man come and fix the broken hinge yesterday. She had, of course, been thinking about presenting a good image to the parents when she’d put in the work request, but the result is still the same.
“Everything’s going to be fine, just stay calm and evacuate in an orderly fashion,” she can hear Roger Harrington saying in the hallway, a note of terror in his voice, “I’m sure they won’t hurt us, axolotls are friendly animals - no, we should run. RUN, EVERYBODY RUN!”
There are pounding footsteps as a group of people run past the door, followed by growling and scrabbling claws on linoleum and more screaming. The thudding against the door gets louder.
May Parker digs in her bag and pulls out a tiny can of pepper spray. Tony Stark lights up the blaster on his gauntlet.
“Wait! We can’t kill them!” Peter exclaims, “It’s not their fault! They’re just axolotls, it’s not fair.”
Tony Stark looks sad for a second. “Sometimes we have to do things that aren’t fair, Pete.”
“They are giant and trying to kill us!” Flash shouts at Peter. “Why do you always have to be nice? It’s so annoying!”
Monica opens the cupboard behind her desk. “How big is giant?”
“Like dragons!” Flash says.
“Like crocodiles,” says his father.
“Set blaster to stun,” Tony Stark says with a sigh.
Monica pulls out the short sections of rope, chain and wire she keeps in her cupboard for demonstrating tensile strength. “I guess we’ll need a big net then.”
“Oh! I know!” Peter gasps, “We were playing badminton in gym the other day and we were playing doubles and one of the thingys was going to hit Ned so I went to stop it and I kind of couldn’t stop and went into the net and got tangled up and it took, like, twenty minutes to untangle me-”
“Get to the point, kid,” Tony Stark’s got his blaster aimed at the door, where a second creature has joined the first, ramming and clawing at the door, snarling ferociously.
“There are nets in the gym,” Peter says.
“New plan,” says Tony Stark, “Peter and I will distract them, the rest of you, get to the gym.”
Tony Stark flings open the door and the creatures rush in, enormous, vicious beasts, eight feet long. Honestly, they’re still kind of funny looking, with skin so transparent their innards are showing, and flat, smiling faces with widely spaced eyes and frills of now-unnecessary gills around their necks. Then they bare their mutated teeth and leap forward to bite, and they’re not funny anymore.
“Come and get me,” Peter taunts, dodging behind a desk as one lunges for him. Tony Stark is sending blasts behind the other one, his gauntlet set on low, herding it forward so Monica, May and the Thompsons can get past.
They creep out behind the creatures as softly as possible, closing the door behind them. Monica leads the way to the gym, May following. Flash tries to follow too, but his father drags him back and they run for the exit, leaving it up to Monica and May to get the nets.
The hallway is abandoned, students, teachers and parents evacuated or shut in classrooms. There are scratch marks on the floor from the creatures claws, and water and broken aquarium glass pooling out of the bio lab. The door to Monica’s classroom looks like a tiger’s been at it.
“From now on, I’m making sure Peter always has his suit,” May pants as they run towards the gym. “He could just web ‘em right up.”
Monica looks at her in surprise. “Peter told you I know?” She puffs. She’s going to start going to the gym again tomorrow, she swears.
“Mr Stark told me, one of the conditions of this whole… superhero thing… is that I get told everything. And that Peter does his homework first.”
Well, that second part’s not going great. They’ll have to reschedule the interview to talk about it.
The nets are still erected in the gym, but they’re surprisingly easy to take down. One gets a bit tangled up as Monica bunches it up to carry it, so that wastes a little time, but all in all, they’re in and out quite fast.
Coach Wilson is hiding under the bleachers with Ned Leeds and his Dad. Ned scrambles out to breathlessly ask if they need any help. He picks up a net and runs with them as they head back to the physics room. “He never runs that fast in class,” Coach Wilson grumbles as they leave.
It’s quiet as they approach Monica’s classroom, all crashing and snarling and gauntlet blasts stopped. Peter and Tony sit breathless and unkempt beside two stunned, giant axolotls. Peter’s hair is messy and a trickle of blood runs down from a group of deep scratches on Tony Stark’s non-gauntleted arm. They’re arguing about gamma radiation again. Around them, Monica’s classroom has been destroyed. Two legs have been broken off her desk, the desktop crushed and splintered like something has landed on it hard. Chairs are overturned, one half-out a window. Her laptop is smashed beyond repair in the middle of the floor and there’s a blasthole where the whiteboard used to be. Her student’s perpetual motion machine is in pieces on the floor, none of it moving.
“We brought the nets,” Ned announces, holding out his net.
“Ned! Are you okay?” Peter hops lightly up from the floor and goes to take the net from his friend. “Hey, where did Flash and his Dad go?”
They roll the unconscious creatures into the nets, tying them up securely while they wait for Happy Hogan to arrive with a containment unit to take them to Stark Industries. Peter and Ned examine them while they wait, exclaiming over how cool they are and flinching back every now and then as the creatures stir. Monica reschedules her interview with May. It doesn’t really seem like the right time to bring up Peter’s abysmal homework record.
Peter and May stay to help with the clean-up, and to Monica’s eternal surprise, so does Tony Stark.
“So,” Mr Stark says, as he’s helping clear up the remnants of a chair, “About Peter dropping a class to have more time for science…”
THE END