I Meant It What I Said
Two weeks. That's how long Tony has been out and healing. Two fucking weeks. Tony wasn't mad though. Thor had every right. He realized he wasn't alone and boy, he was in for a surprised when he turned his head and saw James Buchanan Barnes.
"This is how I die." Tony says. "By a metal vibranium arm attached to Captain America's childhood and great love."
"You mean the man who was brainwashed and murdered your parents?" Bucky rolled his eyes.
"I mean I didn't want to bring it up since it's all forgotten and forgiven but yeah."
"You done?"
"One more thing. I kinda thought I'd die by Thor's hand."
"In a way, you almost did. Good job. Job almost well done."
Tony just stared at Bucky. The Winter Soldier was a redeemed man and an honorary Avenger now but god, Tony hated that snark. He has no idea why Bucky is sitting in his hospital room. He half expected Steve to be sitting there.
"Where's Steve?" Tony asked.
"Babysitting Sigrid." Bucky said with a bitterness.
"Oh."
"Don't worry. She thinks you're helping Bruce with something."
"I'm taking that bitter tone in your voice was meant for me."
"You have no goddamn idea."
Tony and Bucky stop talking for a moment. Bucky wasn't the most predictable person in the world. That's what Hydra did to him and Steve still struggles with it. But Bucky was a good man. However, Tony wasn't sure what was to come.
"Can I ask.." Tony drifted off.
"I ain't telling you where the fuck Loki is right now." Bucky snapped.
Tony flinched. He expected that. Everyone probably knows by now.
"But we're going to have a long talk." Bucky grind his teeth.
"What could we possibly talk about?" Tony bit his lip.
"You need to fucking fix yourself."
"I know that."
"Do you?"
"Hey! I was trying to fix things when Thor nearly beat me to death. WHICH may I remind everyone I am not angry about."
"Because you know you needed a beating."
"You don't know anything."
"I ain't stupid, Stark. I know stuff Steve either doesn't or never told himself to acknowledge."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"Howard was a good guy but I know he beat you and your ma around and was a mean drunk."
Tony forced himself up. He wasn't having this conversation. He held himself as pain ran through his body.
"You're going to sit there and listen, ya hear?" Bucky warned.
"I hear." Tony nodded.
"I can see where this is going. You ain't the only one with a mean pa. Steve was in the same goddamn boat as you. You're gonna keep your distance from Loki and Sigrid for a while. Lie or tell your little girl the truth, I don't really care. You're going to rehab. Not therapy. You're going to fucking rehab. You don't want to be like Howard, then do what he didn't do and go to fucking rehab. You're going to go to a support group during AND after. You're Tony fucking Stark. Your drinking ain't new to the public eye but it's something Sigrid doesn't need. I don't care if you meant that you were trying to fix it, I frankly don't trust you enough to be near your toddler after you tried to rape her mother through misplaced jealousy and rage. And Loki is pregnant with your second kid. You really want to bring a kid into this mess of a relationship right now? You need to kick this shit now. Loki is fixing his depression and trying to be a mother and lover. He don't need to be your fucking punching bag and security blanket you can toss whenever you want."
Tony had no words. This wasn't like everyone else who had talked to him (not that there's been much). He was stunned too. He had no idea about Steve having an abusive father. Then again, he's been so hammered for months that he was surprised he remembered to breathe.
"I get it." Tony muttered.
"I can't hear you." Bucky growled.
"I get it."
"Good."
A moment of silence filled the air.
"How do you do it?" Tony asked.
"Do what?" Bucky arched an eyebrow.
"This. With Steve. How are you succeeding?"
Bucky doesn't say anything for a long time.
"I'm not." Bucky finally breathed.
"What do you mean?" Tony asked. "You're clearly doing better than I am right now."
"You think it's all perfect? It's not, Stark. It's never always perfect. After everything that's happened, Steve and I are finally in a good place. But I was the Winter Soldier for seventy years under Hydra. They found my body and tore me apart bit by bit. They turned me into a weapon and wiped me over and over. I know Steve tries. I know what you're feeling too. You think it was easy getting back together after all this time? Trust me, I know what's it like to hurt the one you love. I just never tried to rape."
"Is that what I am now? A fucking rapist?"
"It's going to follow you for a long time. Especially if you're the only one who refers to it in the end."
"What about you?"
"I used to ask Steve to hurt me. However he wanted. I may have never put my hands on him but I fucked with him mentally just how you fucked with Loki emotionally. I used to call myself an abuser. I used to always think I was abusing Steve. I still call myself that sometimes. Things are good now. For the most part but it never goes away. Even a century from now, you'll always think about it."
"Is it ever going to be okay?"
"Eventually but goddamn it, Tony. You need to really work on it. If you love Loki and your children, you will die working on it."
"I swear."
"I hope so. I don't want to take a father from another Stark child."