Grief is for the Weak
When I think about it
I don't even know
Am I saying thank you?
Am I enjoying it too?
Am I taking it for granted?
When I think about it
I don't even know
How it got to be this way
How it got to be so good
How it got to be
“For Granted” - Yaeji
Judy and I made our way back to our tent after laying out in the moonlight for a while. As much as we were content on our rock, the night air was way too chilly for our bare skin. Not to mention my ass had grown numb from having sat on that rock for hours. I draped my coat over Judy’s shoulders, keeping my arm around her as we ventured back. She rested her body into my side, clinging to my waist. The grip of her hand on my side silently signified her unspoken terror, as if physically holding me would keep me from floating away into the unknown.
I wanted full heartedly to believe tomorrow would be successful, more so for Judy’s sake than my own.
Only time will tell, I thought.
Once we got back to our tent I undressed and turned on our space heater before plopping down on our cot. Judy followed suit, nuzzling against me as I wrapped my arms around her. Earlier events played in my mind like a BD, a sudden rush of butterflies entering my stomach as I remembered Judy’s intense longing in her expression. The thought brought a second wave of arousal, which I would have normally acted upon if it hadn’t been for how tired I was suddenly feeling.
“That was the best sex of my life…” I mused quietly.
Judy giggled and squeezed my sides.
“Of your life, eh? Meanin’ to say I’m that talented?
I chucked and kissed the top of her head, “I’d say so.”
Judy hummed with approval before taking a long deep breath, a sudden change of direction from her previously content demeanor.
“…V?” She murmured, her voice sounding frail.
“Hm? What’s up?” I replied with a yawn.
Exhaustion was slowly soaking into my bones, making it extremely difficult to keep my heavy eyelids pried open.
“I’m scared.” Judy whispered, voice small.
I tightened my grip around her, hoping the action would bring her some sense of comfort. The truth is, I was scared shitless. I felt as if I admitted that out loud it would end up bringing upon more fear for Judy, which is not what I wanted. I wanted so badly for her to feel safe, happy, and comfortable, but with everything going on I was beginning to worry I was only bringing her the opposite. The thought sickened me.
“I have a good feeling.” I replied following a small kiss on the top of her head.
“Lying through your teeth,” I heard the echo of Johnny's voice say.
***
“Rise and shine, princess!”
My eyes snapped open. I turned my head in the direction of the tent entrance to see Panam standing there, equipped in her usual tactical attire, hands resting on her waist confidently.
Someone clearly doesn’t get hungover, I thought to myself as I groaned and sat up.
“Do you ever sleep?” I mumbled, voice groggy.
“Sleep is for the weak, V. And weak, I am certainly not!” Panam replied with a wink.
I looked to my side to see Judy’s absence, suddenly becoming concerned with the time. I rubbed my eyes and huffed profanities under my breath as I reached around to find a shirt to throw on.
“What time is it…?” I asked as I slipped an oversized shirt over my head.
“No clue, early as fuck, but we better go over the plan… eat some grub… ya know, get going?” Panam replied somewhat impatiently.
I stood myself up and made my way over to my bag of clothes, searching for something suitable for the weather and occasion. Panam began pacing around the tent, occasionally picking up an item and examining it, before tapping her foot impatiently.
“Uh, you just gonna stand there and watch or…?” I questioned.
“Yes. Uh, I mean, no… but if I leave I know you’re going to take your sweet ass time, which is exactly what I do not want.” She replied as she pointed to an invisible watch on her wrist.
I growled as I walked to my makeshift sink and began brushing my teeth, when suddenly another figure appeared in the tent’s entrance. Judy had arrived, seemingly having come from the showers. Garnished in only a towel, I desperately wished Panam to leave so I could take a better look at my output.
“Good morning, V… and Panam.” Judy muttered, seeming a bit groggy and sleep deprived.
“At least one of you is responsible! Look! V, Judy has already showered!” Panam exclaimed, rolling her eyes.
“Eh, responsible is giving me too much credit. Couldn’t sleep much.” Judy replied as she began drying her hair quickly with a towel.
“Well, like I said before, sleep is for the weak. But now I know that V has a babysitter present, I will leave you two be. Meet over by the kitchen when you’re ready.” Panam directed as she promptly exited our living quarters.
“Someone’s in a mood…” I muttered before washing my face.
“Can say that again.” Judy giggled.
Judy and I got dressed and made our way over to the kitchen/eating area of the camp. Mitch, Carol, Cassidy, and Panam were sitting and munching on some bizarre paste-like substance.
“Mornin’ love birds!” Carol greeted as she handed us each a plate.
I grimaced at the plate’s contents before taking an empty seat at the table. Judy followed suit and began poking at the paste with her fork.
“Mornin’… sorry, for uh, blowin’ up last night.” Judy said sheepishly.
“No worries, sister. Families tend to bicker, am I right Panam?” Mitch said with a chuckle.
Panam rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m sorry, too. Didn’t mean to upset you there. Was just curious ‘bout what was goin’ through miss V’s mind. Considerin’ this bein’ a pretty big deal.” Cassidy chimed in, giving Judy a small, yet sincere grin.
Judy nodded and returned the smile. I could tell she was feeling ashamed for unleashing her temper.
If only she could have been there to see the ways Panam had once shouted at Saul.
“Judy, everything is going to work out. This plan is solid. The Arasaka chip is our ticket. Not even the humblest of people would deny something worth that much.” Panam stated confidently.
“Have you thought about the possibility of Pablo requesting we still have a go at Kang Tao?” Carol added.
“Yes, and without the Panzer… that may prove to be difficult. But regardless, I’m confident we can handle it.” Panam replied.
“Could always take back what’s ours… if need be.” Mitch said, a bit of anger in his tone.
I could tell the loss of the tank fell heavy on his shoulders.
“Not sure if we could take on two strong groups like that… not without backup.” I added.
Could ask the ‘Mancers for help, though… As much as it would be disturbing to work alongside them after discovering their “ritual”, we do share a common interest.
I silenced the thought from my mind, wouldn’t exactly be the best time to potentially start another heated “family discussion”.
“Strong? Pheeesh, as if! We’re the Aldecaldos!” Panam exclaimed.
“Aldecaldos or not, KT and the ‘Mancers got us outnumbered. Not to mention they both got next level tech.” I explained.
“V’s got a point.” Carol stated.
Panam pinched the bridge of her nose, a sign of distress. She knew I was right.
“Panam, ain’t there some Aldecaldo colonies nearby? Maybe we could arrange a lil… meet ‘n greet?” Cassidy asked.
Involving more innocent people… for the sake of me…
An abrupt wave of nausea overcame me. It had suddenly dawned on me that I was once again putting these peoples’ lives at risk. I knew that if I protested they would insist that they are happy to help, but the overwhelming guilt still remained. I didn’t know how much more I could handle feeling so selfish.
“V? You okay?” Judy asked as she noticed my face turn pale white.
“Think I’m gonna hurl,” I grumbled as I stood up and hurried behind the kitchen trailer.
“V?!” Panam and Judy’s voices sounded from the table.
The contents of my stomach now emptied on the desert floor, I rested my hands on my knees breathing deep, jagged breaths.
“V?” Judy’s voice rang from behind me, concern coated her words.
“I’m good, sorry.” I breathed.
Judy’s hand rested on my back, centering me as I spiraled.
“Is it the Relic? Is it starting to make you sick?” She asked.
I shook my head, trying to hold back a second wave of nausea as I did.
“It’s nothin’, Jude. Just think that soy paste didn’t settle right in me is all.”
I stood myself up straight and smiled at her reassuringly.
“Lying again?” Johnny’s voice echoed.
Judy returned the smile, but fear remained in her eyes. I smiled more and held her hand, giving it a tight squeeze as I ushered us back over to the table.
“Anywho!” I joked as I clapped my hands together and sat back down.
“V, what the hell was that?” Panam growled.
Seems like Panam masks her anxiety with frustration…
“Dunno, Pan, could be the three or so O’Dickins from last night?” Mitch chuckled.
Panam rolled her eyes at Mitch’s comment.
“I think Mitch may be right ‘bout that one.” I laughed.
“Jesus, V. Didn’t take you for such a lightweight.” Panam huffed.
I shrugged and smirked, hoping my happy demeanor was convincing.
“Let’s go over the plan.”
***
It was early afternoon by the time we made our way to Tucson. Judy and Carol drove in a makeshift surveillance van, while Mitch and Cassidy took scouting positions via bike. Panam and I took the Thornton well ahead in order to make it seem like we were arriving alone.
Pablo Gutierrez worked out of Tucson Medical Center in the neurology department, but in the evenings worked out of a research facility trying to find cures for cyberpsychosis.
Him and Regina might know each other, I thought.
The research he conducted was technically still on the downlow, since neither him nor his colleagues wished for corporate involvement.
Once close enough to the medical center, Carol and Judy hacked into the main net in order to forge a consultation meeting with Dr. Gutierrez.
Seemed easy enough.
Tucson was a small city surrounded by hills, mountains, and cacti. As we drove through, I couldn’t help but be astonished by the seemingly quiet and laid back nature of the city. A stark difference from NC, that’s for sure. Panam parked in the medical center lot before glancing over at me, a certain ferocious dedication in her eyes. I met her gaze and nodded, an unspoken understanding which her and I seemed to perfect throughout the months we’ve spent together.
“Here goes nothin’…” I muttered as we walked through the main entrance.
The medical center was definitely high end, a nearly blinding pearly white floor garnished with sleek black leather chairs adorned the waiting room. Lush vegetation grew on the walls, bringing a strange sense of calm to the scene. The reception desk stood by the far end, guarded by two muscle heads on either side. I quickly ran my Kiroshi scanner on the guards to ensure they weren’t affiliated with KT or Arasaka.
In the clear, I noted.
The receptionist was a young woman, no visible cyberware, aside from a small head piece on the left side of her head. Seemed like its purpose was to take and receive calls more efficiently.
“Hello! Welcome to Tucson Medical Center. Are either one of you experiencing an emergency situation? If so, please remain calm and exit the building. Our emergency center is located on 31st Avenue, just down the block.” The receptionist recited almost robotically.
“Uh, no, we’re here for an appointment with Dr. Gutierrez. A consult.” I replied.
“Just a moment!” The receptionist smiled blankly before her eyes lit up blue.
Panam and I exchanged a look.
“Dr. Gutierrez is currently unavailable. What’s your name and date of birth, please?” The receptionist asked, the blank smile still plastered across her face.
Judy’s voice chimed in my ear after hearing the receptionist’s words, “Jessica Hanson, 05/01/50.”
“Jessica Hanson, May 1st, 2050.” I recited.
“Thank you Ms. Hanson! Yes, I do see you have an appointment. Dr. Gutierrez is located on floor 6, room 604. Thank you for choosing Tucson Medical Center.”
The receptionist transferred me the information swiftly and then stared through Panam and I blankly, as if a switch just turned her power off. Panam and I exchanged another look and then made our way over the elevators.
“Excuse me, ma’am, you’re not registered under a guest.” One of the security guards stated as he stood in front of us.
“I’m not a ‘guest’, I’m Jessica’s wife, Linda. She’s very nervous about her consultation, is this going to be an issue, officer?” Panam replied confidently.
Judy and Carol cackled over the holo call, causing me to bite my lip in order to hold in my own amusement.
“No, ma’am, my apologies. Just make sure you are registered should you come again.” The guard answered before stepping aside.
“Should I be jealous, Linda?” Judy joked over the line.
Panam scoffed and rolled her eyes, a smile on her face as she tried to contain her laughter.
“Let’s just say V’s not my usual type, but desperate times call for desperate measures.” Panam said under her breath as we entered the elevator.
The elevator reached the sixth floor quickly.
“Suvallience is off, good to go.” Carol said over the holo as we rounded the corner.
602…603…604.
Panam and I approached the office door. I looked over at her in a desperate plea for any kind of reassurance. Panam smirked and nudged my shoulder.
“We got this.” She whispered.
I took a deep breath and knocked on the office door.