Bucky rolled in his sleep. He breathed deep. After struggling for two hours, he finally gets up and sits in the living room, in the dark. Bucky rest his head into his hands as he sat on the couch, trying to control his breathing. He didn't want to wake Steve. He knew Steve had been stressed with all the drama lately.
Tony's drinking. Loki's depression. Thor's grieving. Jane's cancer. The attempted rape. Tony punching Bruce. Bucky's PTSD. Hydra. Aliens. Sigrid.
Bucky still had nightmares. He still struggled everyday but he tried. He talked to Sam as much as he could. He vent to Natasha when they sparred. He opened to Steve. But lately, Bucky has been withdrawn.
"Buck?" Steve yawned, walking into the living room.
"Hey." Bucky looked up. "Why are you awake?"
"You weren't in bed. I figured you had another nightmare."
"Did you have a nightmare? Is that why you woke up?"
They always talk about Bucky having nightmares but Steve had nightmares too. Sometimes they were about growing up. Sometimes they were about the war. And sometimes, rarely, but sometimes it's about the bridge and the helicarrier. Back when Bucky was still the Winter Soldier. Back when Hydra still controlled him. Bucky's nightmares were more violent. Sometimes he woke up screaming. other times, he woke up and jump away from Steve, in fear of hurting him. He used to wake up screaming from his nightmares then beg Steve to punish him. Steve would cry and tremble at Bucky's begging. it got better but still, sometimes it was so hard that sometimes Bucky needed space from Steve.
"I woke up because I knew you weren't in bed." Steve tried to change the subject.
Bucky knew better. After all, he's known Steve for almost a century.
"Stevie." Bucky warned him.
"It's okay, Buck." Steve sat next to Bucky, leaning his head on his lover's shoulder.
"Tell me."
"It's nothing, Buck. I just missed you in our bed."
Bucky learned how to tell when Steve had a nightmare. Steve never talked about the nightmares if they were about childhood. If they were about the war, Steve would kiss as if it was his last. If it was about the bridge and the helicarrier, Steve starts to mess with Bucky's pants. He wasn't talking about it and he was trying to cuddle. It had to be about childhood.
"Is it about your pa?" Bucky asked, holding Steve's hand.
Steve didn't have to say anything. Bucky knew.
"I'm supposed to be holding everyone together." Steve sighed. "Not being a crybaby."
"You're not a crybaby." Bucky growled. "Your pa was a mean drunk."
"He died when I was young. Before my ma got sick. I thought I was over this. I can't believe I still think about it."
"It probably got triggered. Given the circumstances."
Steve sighed. He knew Bucky cared. He remembered how Steve didn't tell Bucky about the abuse until his dad had died. Bucky was livid. It was the day he told Steve he loved him. It was the day they made love for the first time. Bucky cupped Steve's face and pressed a kiss to Steve's lips.
"Tell me about your nightmare." Bucky whispered in Steve's ear.
"I don't want to bother you." Steve tried to look away. Bucky wouldn't let him.
"Come on, doll. I hurt you all the time. Hurt me for once."
"Okay."
Steve stood up and pulled Bucky back to their bedroom. Steve pushed Bucky on the bed and laid next to him, putting his head on Bucky's chest. Bucky embraced Steve. Bucky had his nightmares but tonight, it was about Steve.
After all, Steve wears his heart on his sleeve and Bucky hates watching Steve suffer.