Bucky wakes up to the sound of his arm whacking beer cans off the bedside table. He gets his face out of his pillow to see flat beer spilling over the table; he groans. His head is pounding.
Suddenly, something under his sheets starts moving. Steve pops up from under the sheets just in time for them to make eye contact and scream.
“Why are we in bed together? Shit, did we-” a frantic look washes over Steve’s face.
“You’re not my type,” Bucky replies. He could have gotten away with that, but then he remembers just exactly who he's in bed with. Steve is gorgeous- he's tall and his muscles surround his body. His eyes are like the sky, like those perfect summer days when there’s not a cloud in sight. His smile lights up his whole face and sometimes Bucky wonders if he's an angel. On top of all that, Steve is confident, he’s outgoing, and his laugh sounds like heaven. Bucky never believed in perfection, but Steve Rogers could make any man a believer.
“What? Don’t like what you see?” A smirk appears on Steve’s face; his voice is raspy and it’s -- hot, is what it is, some-fucking-how. Bucky hears it everyday, but never like this.
It takes a second for him to realize that Steve is naked. His cheeks are flushed with the thought of it and he coughs into his arm to try and hide them. He watches Steve disappear into the bathroom with a blanket wrapped around his waist and flops his head back onto the bed wondering how the hell he got into this situation.
It’s awkward walking down to breakfast. Everybody’s already there at the table eating and the only chairs left are next to each other. Natasha and Clint are throwing food at each other like two year olds and Sam is shoving eggs in his mouth like Natasha’s going to steal his plate out from under him and add it to her food-war arsenal. (She might.) They sit down at the table and everyone stares.
“So are we allowed to talk about what happened last night?” Clint asks.
“What? N-nothing happened last night,” Steve shutters, swallowing hard.
“Uh-huh. I’d believe you if Bucky hadn’t invited us all to watch,” Natasha says. Steve’s mouth drops open and he turns, betrayed, to Bucky, whose face is completely red.
“You really think we would miss your wedding?” Sam accuses around a mouthful of egg.
“What? I didn't get married.” Bucky frowns deeply, but before anyone else can pipe up again, Steve manages to complete the puzzle.
“I think I -- Bucky?” Bucky looks at Steve in confusion to see Steve holding his left hand out towards him, a band of gold on his ring finger. Steve looks down and does his best to avoid eye-contact but he can’t help but look at Bucky’s reaction out of the corner of his eye. Bucky’s eyes widened and his expression is sour.
Bucky remembers the chapel, the drunken nonsense vows, the feeling of Steve’s hands at his waist. His stomach twists into endless knots.
The flight home is awkward and they only talk to each other when absolutely necessary. They still haven’t talked about the fact that they’re married now and neither of them wants to be the one to bring it up.
Bucky’s been his best friend since forever, but after what happened this morning Steve is scared things are going to change. The flight isn’t long but Bucky falls asleep and Steve can’t help but get his sketchbook out and draw him. It’s easy for him to draw Bucky, he’s done it so many times before and he could do it from pure muscle memory, except this time it comes with a feeling of warmth. He watches as Bucky’s chest fills with air and then slowly lets it out again. Watching him sleep is like watching the ocean waves crash onto the sand, peaceful, soothing, safe. Steve’s eyes start to droop and he rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder and lets himself drift off.
The awkwardness follows them back home to the apartment. Steve manages to escape to his room and starts to unpack before Bucky can get a word out. He hates living out of a suitcase, it’s messy and he’d much rather have everything put away and organized in his closet. He moved around a lot when he was young, getting thrown from one foster home to another. He always had to live out of a damn suitcase because he never knew when he was going to get thrown out again. He wondered what life would be like if his parents didn’t die. He tried to imagine waking up to the smell of pancakes, he wanted to know how it felt to run downstairs on Christmas morning eager to open presents and how it would have felt to have someone take care of you when you’re sick, to love you with every inch inside of them. He missed having parents even though he didn’t quite know what it felt like. He got bullied at school for never having anyone to bring to parents night and for his endless list of medical problems. He got shoved in the toilets, thrown in the trash cans, beat up in the allies, but he always fought back, he always got up. If he had learned anything from his life it was to never give up and to never give in to your fears. He grabs his basket of dirty clothes and walks out to the kitchen where he finds Bucky. The floor is suddenly very interesting. Very interesting tiles.
Bucky clears his throat “I was gonna order-”
“We should talk” Steve interrupts, not lifting his eyes from the ground. Steve sets the laundry basket on the ground next to the wall and walks over to the seat beside Bucky. Bucky knew the conversation was bound to happen but he neither prepared nor excited to have it.
“I’ve been thinking about this...whole thing” Steve says flailing his hands in the air. He pauses and looks at Bucky whose face is unreadable. Bucky already knows his next words and no matter how much it breaks his heart, he’ll never be enough for Steve.
“We can go get the divorce sorted out tomorrow. If you’re free I mean, I don’t have work or anything-”
“I don’t want a divorce” Steve interrupts. A small smile appears on his face. Bucky’s eyebrows raise and he has to replay the words that just escaped Steve’s mouth.
“You don’t?” Bucky’s -confused. Shocked even.
“I don’t,” Steve starts slowly “I know the whole situation is kinda awkward and I know i'm asking a lot of you. I thought that since our therapy sessions and all the hospital bills are so expensive that we would be able to benefit from the health insurance and then we would have a little extra pocket money.”
Bucky’s heart sunk. Money? That’s why he wants to stay married? Even if it makes sense, even if it’s the hard-Steve-logic he knows and sometimes likes, it sits cold and ugly in his chest. He’s known Steve since he was ten. He’s learned Steve’s comfort food is chicken nuggets, he knows that he loves drawing during thunderstorms, he knows he can’t really swim but can run for miles on autopilot. He’s knows Steve hates talking during movies but puts up with it when Bucky does. He’s learned he’s incredibly competitive and an adorable sore loser. He’s learned that he laughs often, bright and big, like he doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to keep it in. As kids they were inseparable. Bucky helped him after going one too many rounds with some jerk three times his size and kept an extra key under the plant pot because he knew Steve always forgot his. They lived together in a tiny apartment and sometimes slept in the same bed because of Steve’s illnesses. Bucky took him out to dances and tried to get him to go on dates. Part of Steve laughs at the mere idea because who would ever want him? Bucky did everything for him, which definitely did not help that one part of him that desperately wanted to be his. Bucky knows this solution is stupid, and it’ll probably hurt, but it’s Steve who’s asking it of him. He takes a deep breath before letting his next words escape from his mouth.
“Sure, why not.” Steve is smiling even harder now. He pulls Bucky in for a tight hug. and when Steve’s hands on his shoulder blades send a tingle through his body, it’s easy enough for Bucky to ignore.
“So uh, maybe we should make some rules?” Bucky says while pulling away, scratching the back of his neck, hoping his words won't make the situation any weirder.
“Sure” Steve says carefully.
“Right so, if uh- you want me to stay out of the apartment for any reason, just shoot me a text. I mean, I don’t want this to interfere with your life, so i'm totally cool with-”
“What- Buck, I haven’t been with anyone since- I’m not going to see anyone while we’re married” Married. The words escaped his mouth so easily, like he didn’t even have to think twice about it. The last relationship Steve had was Peggy Carter. Steve and Peggy dated for almost three years and then Peggy decided she wanted to move back home to England, she asked Steve to come with her but he couldn’t just pack up his life and move, even for her. He had finally found his home, his friends, his family and he couldn’t leave them. He couldn’t leave Bucky.
“But just in case-”
“I told you Buck, it’s not gonna happen” Steve cuts him off. He’s frowning the way he does when he thinks Bucky’s being particularly stupid.
“But...uh, I want to make it seem as real as possible so, this lets keep this between us.”
“Whatever you want doll”
A few days later Bucky wakes up to the smell of coffee. He groans and stretches in his bed, turning over to check the time. Ten in the morning. Bucky doesn’t like to sleep in, he’s normally awake by seven so he has time to hit the gym before work, but it's a Saturday and he's still tired from the trip. He throws on a pair of sweats and makes his way out to the kitchen. Steves drawing, like he always is. When Steve notices he’s there he quickly flips to a blank page in his sketchbook.
“I made coffee” Steve says brightly.
“I am not drinking your fucking coffee.” Bucky growls
“It’s been 5 years! It’s so much better now!” Steve used to work at a coffee shop; one day after a meeting Bucky decided to go in and grab a coffee. it was awful. It was the worst cup of coffee he had ever had. He swore he’d never order it again. Bucky didn’t understand how someone could mess up something as easy as coffee especially, considering it was their fucking job. Bucky makes a doubtful noise, but he pours himself a cup, takes a sip, and immediately spits it into the sink.
“Five years later and it tastes the exact same!”
“It’s not me! It's the brand you buy! Maybe if we bought something from Starbucks it would actually taste good!”
“That's it! Get over here and show me how you think coffee works.”
Steve is doing everything wrong. He's using the machine completely wrong and he doesn’t measure the grinded coffee beans before pouring them in. Bucky ends up teaching Steve how to make it correctly; Steve spends the whole time complaining, but he still makes note of everything he's supposed to do. Steve is determined and he makes Bucky continue to try his coffee. It takes at least an hour for Steve to finally make a good cup. Steve takes a sip of the coffee, once Bucky has determined it decent, and it looks like hes been slapped.
“This is...this is actually kind of good”.
“See! There's nothing wrong with the brand, it's just your complete lack of technique.”
“Hey! My technique is perfect!” He shoves Bucky playfully and laughs.
“It is now. I knew you could do it.” Bucky says and smiles.
Steves cheeks flush, sweet and pink.
Later in the day Steve notices it starting to get cloudy as he walks to the bookstore where Bucky works. The crisp smell of rain hits the air and he can already hear Bucky’s excitement. Bucky loves the rain; he always manages to bring it into a conversation. Steve laughs just thinking about it. It makes Steve feel lazy, gloomy but Bucky gets some extra sparkle in his eyes on these days.
He’s greeted with a whiff of coffee and freshly pressed books. He takes a deep breath and exhales, he loves the warmth and comfort that comes with the store. There's something about the combination of books and coffee that instantly lifts his mood, he understands why Bucky loves this place so much. He pauses for a moment before he walks to the center of the store, he spins around, eyes darting looking for that familiar mop of hair. He’s not at the cash registers which means he's either in the back or stocking. There’s no line at the cafe so he scans the menu board, already knowing what he's going to get but waiting to be noticed. He gives the worker a grin and orders an americano. The barista is pretty cute. She has a nice smile and her hair is curly. A few months ago and he would have been flirting, hoping for a number scribbled on his napkin. When his name is called he thanks her and returns to his mission of finding Bucky.
He travels down the rows, swinging his head from left to right, keeping an eye out for the dull blue work shirts. He doesn’t see him in the young adult section and he's not in the travel section. He peaks into the kid’s section hopefully, but no sign of Bucky. Dammit. The thought of kids clinging onto Bucky as he’s trying to sort is adorable. Or Bucky reading to them in the rocking chair while they’re all cross legged in front of him. Steve smiles and his heart flutters just thinking about it. He shakes his head, stay focused. He continues on to the DVD area, nowhere to be seen. Steve sighs and is ready to give up but then a blue shirt peaks through a bookshelf in the close distance. He waits for the shirt to move and as soon as it turns the corner- yep that's him. He's in the romance section. He’s got his headphones in and he's swaying his head to the music as he takes the books from the cart and finds their spot on the shelf. He’s mouthing the lyrics to the song and he's tapping his fingers on the books. Steve leans against the wall, holding his coffee to his mouth so he can sip it as he watches. Bucky does this at home sometimes and Steve can’t help but laugh at him, Bucky always ends up throwing something at Steve and telling him to shut up. Its cute, and Steve loves it. He watches Bucky for about 5 minutes before Bucky makes his way further down the aisle and sees him. He jumps and grabs onto the shelf.
“Fuck Steve. How long have you been standing there” Steve shrugs, those five minutes felt like time wasn’t even passing at all.
“Had nothing better to do so here I am” Bucky makes a mocking pouting face
“You’re such a punk”
“Jerk”
Steve sits at the table nearby and watches as Bucky works. He brought his sketchbook so he decided to draw Bucky and his mad lip syncing skills. He giggles as he works and Bucky looks over every so often and stares at the blond longer than he should be. But he can’t help it. When Steve draws his eyebrows furrow, he gets so into it that sometimes you wonder if he's even there. But the passion that shows on his face is Bucky’s favourite thing. After a while he starts to follow Bucky around while he stocks the shelf.
“Why do all the guys look the same” Steve says, pointing to the book in Bucky’s hand. Bucky looks down at the book, the cover has one of those vampires guys whose only wearing jeans and it jacked with muscles.
He shrugs “I dunno guess that's what people find attractive”
Steve rolls his eyes “It’s so unrealistic! Seriously, who works out that much?”
Bucky laughs “It's just a book cover, Stevie”
“What about you?” Bucky stands up from his previous crouching position and arches his brows
“What?”
“Is that what you find attractive?” Bucky blinks, his confusion turning to surprise and then he shakes his head and snorts “Not my type.”
“What's your type then?” Steve pokes, trying to sound normal but utterly failing. His heart beats faster as the silence prolongs. Bucky shoots his gaze to Steve, watching him take a sip from his coffee cup. He freezes, fumbling to form words. Steve tilts his head back down, his lips remaining on the cup.
“Wouldn’t you like to know”
“Oh come on Buck! We used to talk about this stuff all the time!” Steve says almost jogging to catch up to Bucky who is shoving the cart down the hallway.
“Have to clean up in the back. Don’t do anything stupid while i'm gone.”
“How can I? Taking all the stupid with you” Steve practically shouts and then slams his hand over his mouth remembering he's in a bookstore which yes isn't a library but it still has the same rules. Steve swears he hears a faint laugh. When Bucky comes out, Steve’s hunched over the table, his face is back buried in his sketchbook.
“Ready?” Bucky says and Steve practically jumps out of his skin, knocking his empty coffee cup over. Bucky rolls his eyes. Classic move. The sky’s dark and full of grey clouds and the thunder roars over them. Its raining now, not too hard but enough that they’ll be soaked by the time they get home.
“You don't happen to have your umbrella handy do you, Mrs. Poppins?” Bucky says teasingly; which earns him a punch in the arm.
“Guess we’re going for a run” Steve says, Bucky sighs and as hes zipping up his coat Steve is already running and he's yelling something that Bucky can’t completely make out but race ya and jerk are definitely somewhere in there. Bucky laughs and chases after him, feeling like a ten year old kid again.
When they finally make it up to their apartment they’re both panting and their clothes are soaked. They look like wet dogs. Bucky practically shoves himself into the bathroom because Steve is dripping wet from the rain and his mind gets a little carried away looking at that. He changes into a sweater and jeans, much more comfortable than his work clothes. He blow dries his mop of hair and then gathers it into a low bun at the back of his head and secures it with a hair tie. He walks to the tv room, lifts his head from the ground and- Freezes. Steve’s laying on the couch resting on one elbow. In that hand he’s holding a book and in the other one that is just resting in the air, is a pen. That alone choked Bucky up, but the glasses were what killed him. Steve only wore his glasses for reading, and Steve only read when he went to Bucky’s work. (He must have grabbed it while Bucky was in the back.) Bucky’s suddenly gasping for air. His mouth feels dry. When did Steve start affecting him like this? It's like everything he does has Bucky weak at the knees. Bucky can’t stop imagining the things he wants to do to him. He wants to walk right over there and pin him down to the couch, leave marks from his neck down to his abs; visible for everyone else to see. He shakes the thoughts away.
“This book, its amazing Buck. I gotta start coming to the store more often.” Steve says without looking up.
“I’m glad you like it.” Bucky says, swallowing hard. He’s trying to ignore Steve who is now nibbling on his finger. Steve looks up and something changes in his expression.
“Your hair...its different. Its- I mean different in a good way...like normally its down but like that it looks uh...good, you- you look good.” Steve's face flushes pink.
“Alright let's go, everyone's already at the restaurant.” Bucky manages to cough out.
Bucky can’t remember the last time Steves fumble with words. He can’t figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
He does spend the rest of the night flipping the idea over in his head though.
“We’re staying married” Bucky coughs out.
“You’re...what?” They say in unison.
“Yeah…..uhm…..” Bucky fiddles with his hair as he struggles to find words. (Maybe they should have rehearsed.)
“We’ve been dating secretly for just over a year.” Steve chimes in, coming to the rescue. Giving Steve a reassuring smile. Bucky relaxes his shoulders; still feeling tense but with Steve there he can breathe a little.
“You guys owe me, twenty bucks each. Pay up fellas!” Natasha smirks.
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner!” Clint exclaims.
They’re all smiling like idiots, except for Bucky.
“We didn’t wanna make things awkward and you know it was kinda more fun ducking in the shadows and trying to avoid getting caught.” Steve smirks, starring Bucky dead in the eyes, Steve shifts in his seat. Bucky left all the talking to Steve because he knew he would slip and let something out, ruining the whole thing.
“But now I can do this” Before Bucky can even process what is happening Steve lifts a hand to the back of Bucky's neck and presses his lips against Bucky's. Bucky's heart flutters and for a second he forgets how to breathe. Steve’s lips are soft and warm and they fit perfectly against his own. Steve pulls away and Bucky is left with a feeling of emptiness and a crave for more. Steve smiles and Bucky can feel his face heating up. Bucky bites down on his lip. They stare at each other for what feels like eternity but is no longer than five seconds.
They’re interrupted by a holler and then reality.
“Save it for the bedroom, lovebirds!” Sam mocks
“So, are we gonna throw a party or what?” Natasha says. She planned everything, all of their birthdays, all of their parties and she was definitely not going miss planning this.
“We don't need to-” Bucky stutters
“Of course we’re going to have a party!” Steve says, smiling and wrapping his arm around Bucky’s waist. Bucky digs his nails into the table. Everything Steve does catches him off guard and he knows that its working and that everyone is eating up every word Steve’s saying, except for Bucky.
Bucky lets out whimpers and then there are shrieks. He jerks out of bed, standing there pooling in his own sweat, he clutches his own arms, breath ragged. He takes a moment to realize where he is. He inhales sharp breaths and quickly exhales to try and calm his pounding heart. He hears the door creak open and see’s Steve who looks frantic.
“Sorry, just a nightmare.”
“Its okay, I get em too.” Steve lets out. He knows his words don’t fix anything but he hopes they bring slight comfort.
“Sorry for waking you” Bucky mumbles
“Stop apologizing.” Steve lets out, its firm, not harsh but protective. They stay there in silence for a moment before Steve turns his head.
“Steve” Bucky cries out. Steve whips his head back around and looks at Bucky. “Will you stay with me?”
“Yeah.” Steve doesn’t hesitate, he walks to Bucky’s bed and crawls into the empty space beside him. Bucky lets his head fall into Steve’s chest and Steve immediately wraps his arms around Bucky and holds him as tight as possible. He strokes Bucky’s arm back and forth with one hand. “Till the end of the line.” Steve whispers. Bucky's heart flutters, hearing a phrase they used to say as kids. A promise, they decided; to stay friends, through thick and thin, the good and the bad. They lay there in silence, neither of them eager to fall asleep again. Steve watches as Bucky rises and falls on his chest from his breathing. Bucky fits right into the crevice where Steve’s neck meets his shoulders. He wants to tell Bucky that everything’s gonna be alright and that he would never let anything bad happen to him, but he doesn’t because soon that could be a lie. There was so much that Bucky didn’t know, and it haunted Steve every night knowing he couldn’t say anything. His eyes droop and he dozes off to the comfort of the moment, he could get used to this, even if it won’t last much longer.
When Bucky wakes up it's late in the afternoon. He reaches his arm out to find an empty bed, no Steve. He sighs. He isn’t sure what time Steve left but he must have sneaked out. He tries to imagine what it would be like to wake up and see Steve’s face peacefully resting inches away from him. He imagines waking Steve up with kisses all over his face and how nice it would feel to be able to do that just because. But that was just his imagination and nowhere near reality. Reality was a bitch and it never let him be happy. He drags himself out of bed and shuffles to the kitchen in his boxers and a t-shirt. It’s already lunch time but he hasn’t even eaten breakfast. He grabs some cereal from the pantry and eats it with some toast. He wasn’t the best cook. To be completely honest the only thing he could cook were eggs and he still manages to mess those up. He’s halfway through shoving a piece of toast in his mouth when the door swings open and Steve comes in, sweat seeping through his shirt.
“Hey so I was talking to Natasha and-” Steve pauses for a moment then continues “Did you seriously just wake up?”
“Had a long night, remember?”
“Oh please you fell asleep faster than a baby,” He chuckles to himself. “But as I was saying, I was talking to Natasha and she said the party is happening tonight. You got plans?” It was true, he hadn’t slept that well in forever.
“No. Sounds great, what time?” Bucky's voice is a little wary.
“She said seven,” Steve watches Bucky’s face, normally it's easy to read but right now he's hesitant.
“...You sure you’re okay with this?”
“You got a plan or are we just going to wing it?” Bucky asks hesitantly.
“Right, forgot that you’re the worst liar on the planet. That might be an issue.”
“I can pretend to be in love if I want to.” Bucky protests with a small pout
“Prove it.” Steve folds his arms and tilts his chin upwards.
Bucky smirks “You sure you’re ready for that Rogers?”
“I’m waiting, Barnes” Bucky, taking the cue, walks towards Steve until he's pushed up against the wall. Their faces inches apart. Bucky’s hand teasingly slid down Steve’s abdomen and he feels as Steve takes a sharp breath.
“Not good enough” Steve choked out. Bucky was just getting started. He steps back just an inch, his eyes never leaving Steve’s face.
“The first time I saw you, my heart stopped beating. Or maybe that's when it first started, cause ever since you, nobody else has ever felt right. It's always been you, it’ll always be you.” Bucky says, not breaking eye contact and hovering his hand on the side of Steve’s face. His heart is racing a million miles per hour and he hopes that Steve can’t hear it pounding. Steve looks away, clearing his throat.
“Yeah that...that was uh good. We’ll be fine.” Bucky steps back and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I’m gonna shower.” he mumbles. Bucky walks into the bathroom and turns the shower on, he starts to get undressed and then realizes there's no towels. Steve does the laundry (quite frequently to be honest). It’s great for Bucky, except for the fact that he's incapable of putting the towels back in the bathroom. He rolls his eyes and walks to the laundry room, grabbing two towels. One is blue and the other is red because Steve has some weird superstition where he can only use those colored towels. When he gets back into the bathroom he shuts the door not noticing the shirt hanging on the hook at the back of the door. He opens the shower curtain and- “Fuck! Steve what the hell” he slams the shower curtain shut and jumps back, wacking his foot on the toilet.
“Son of a bitch” he curses.
“Oh hey Buck” Steve says poking his head out from the curtain, with a smirk on his face.
“Don’t hey Buck me! Why the hell are you in my shower?”
“Your shower? Since when are you paying water bills?”
“You punk, I ran the shower for me. I had to go get more towels cause you never put ‘em back.”
“Hm, I thought you were being nice, running it for your husband.” Bucky rolls his eyes, who does he think he is? King of the showers? And why does he keep throwing that word around --husband-- nobody’s even here. Suddenly they’re interrupted by a voice.
“Hey Steve! Where are you?”
“What the hell! What’s Natasha doing here? You didn’t call her did you?” Steve says frantically, still hiding behind the blue shower curtains.
“No! Why would I call her when I'm supposed to be in the shower!” Bucky practically yells back.
As her footsteps get closer, her voice gets louder. Bucky’s has two options here and neither end well. He either runs out into the hallway half naked or…. “Steve, I'm coming in!” Natasha calls out as the door creaks open and she plops herself up on the counter.
“So for the party I wanted to know what drinks I should bring. I know you’ll die without your beer but I wasn’t sure what Bucky wanted. Does he like coolers? What about champagne? I thought we could have at least a bottle of champagne.” Natasha cuts herself off when she realizes she talking to herself. “Steve?”
“Yeah, Bucky’s good with champagne. Aren't you Buck?” Bucky's entire face is red and he can feel the heat rising in his body. He’s hoping that Steve will just believe its being caused by the hot water. He’s wondering how he got into this situation- all he wanted was to take a shower. Preferably alone. But here he is, standing butt naked in the shower, with Steve. It’s not like they’ve never been naked around each other, cause they have. But this time, they’re close. Too close. Bucky can’t turn around, so he just stands there facing Steve. Bucky does everything he can to avoid looking anywhere below Steves shoulders because if he did, he would be dead. That would be the end of him. He would never ever be able to look at Steve again. But oh, god. Even just thinking about Steve….
“Oh-” She pauses “Oh! Shit! Sorry guys...didn’t realize you were uh...i'll just wait in the kitchen…” Natasha says and you can hear the embarrassment in her voice. The door shuts and then he hears Steve giggle. Like, actually, giggle. Like some child. Bucky hits him in the arm and then Steve starts to laugh even harder and soon they’re both laughing so hard they can't breathe. Steve stops laughing finally, he's staring Bucky dead in the eyes and he won’t even blink. Bucky’s staring back at him, his heart is moving up into his throat. A few seconds later, he swears Steve starts to inch closer to him but he’s out of the shower and into a towel before anything else happens. They both get dressed in silence and walk out to meet Natasha.
Natasha pulled a card from the stack “What's the most embarrassing thing you’ve done while drunk....Once I, oh god this is so stupid, I was so drunk that I started talking to this lamp and tried to ask it out on a date and I ended up taking the lamp home.” Everyone turns and looks at her like she has three heads.
“...I still have it. I keep it in my closet because I still don’t know who I stole it from.”
“Hey I think i'm missing a lamp at my place” Clint smirks
“Hilarious, we all know you’re just trying to get her into bed” Sam says starring Clint down.
“Sorry did you say something? Must be my stupid hearing aid acting up again” Clint replies pretending to change the settings and Sam punches his arm.
“Shut up it's my turn.” Steve lets out “For every person in the group you would sleep with, take a drink.” Steve hesitates for a second and then avoiding everyone, he picks up a shot with shaky hands and swallows it down.
Bucky could swear Steve glanced over at him or maybe he only hoped Steve did. For a second Bucky forgets that he's married to Steve “Damn Rogers only got you eye on one lucky guy? I’m offended” Sam says while elbowing Bucky.
“With all that ass you shouldn’t be.” Steve says grinning.
Bucky shifts in his seat “I think I'm gonna take a breather outside.” Without waiting for a response he gets up from the couch and walks so fast he’s practically running out the door. He sits down on a bench outside of their apartment and looks up at the sky. He feels so stupid. He can barely be in a room with Steve, let alone listen to him flirt. He sits there alone for a few moments, dragging his feet on the cement before he sees Natasha.
“Hey.” she lets out softley.
“Hi.” They sit there for a while in silence before Natasha speaks again.
“So...why are you lying?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Seriously Barnes? That little stunt you and Steve are trying to pull off? What's the deal?”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
“James Buchanan Barnes, I can read you like a book. As soon as you and Steve said you were staying married I knew something was off.”
“Don’t-”
“What's going on?” Bucky explains the whole situation; that Steve wanted to stay together for the money benefits and that obviously he couldn’t say no, because who would he be if he did?
“Damn Barnes, you got it bad.”
“I’m just playing the part. It ain’t like that.” Bucky looks down, continuing to shuffle his feet against the gravel.
“For what audience? Barnes there's nothing wrong with-” Bucky scoffs
“Did you not just hear what I said? It ain’t like that. Whatever you’re seeing or think you’re seeing is wrong.”
Natasha sighs and then stands up “Can we go back inside? I'm getting cold.”
A bottle of champagne is popped open and it doesn't last long. Sam goes around getting everyone drinks. Soon they all have beers and coolers cracked and they’re settling into their seats. Steve and Bucky are camped out on the couch nuzzled into blankets. Natasha and Clint are on the loveseat and Tony’s on the floor surrounded by at least five pillows. Sam is nested into a beanbag and hogging all the snacks. Tony tells him to hand over the cheese puffs and in response Sam sends one flying, hitting him right in the forehead. Clint and Natasha argue over what movie to put on; Natasha wants to watch Fast and The Furious and Clint wants to watch White Chicks. A four way rock paper scissors tournament determines Fast and The Furious as the winner. Bucky’s barely paying attention to the movie because all he can think about is the words Natasha said earlier, you got it bad. Sure he liked Steve, but not like that...right? He can’t… When he looks to his side, there Steve is on his shoulder. He was so caught up in thought that he hadn’t even noticed Steve drift off. It was moments like this when Bucky could see clearly. He didn’t like Steve. He loved him. A small smile came on Bucky’s face and he placed his head carefully beside the blond’s. He mouths I love you, wanting to see what it would be like, to love Steve and for him to know. He can’t tell Steve how he feels. He never will. Steve’s eyes open and he looked up at Bucky.
“Buck your feet are freezing.”
“S’okay, they always are”
“Here, let me-” Steve shifted positions so now they were both lying down and Steve is spooning Bucky from behind, his legs trapping Bucky’s feet.
“This okay?” Bucky hums in affirmation. This was more than okay, this was everything and Bucky couldn’t wish for more. Steve lifts his hand and runs his fingers gently through Bucky’s hair. Bucky lets his eyes close, he loves the feeling. But it didn’t help his situation. It didn’t help, at all. This is what drives Bucky crazy. How Steve sometimes acts like they were married without anyone else watching.
Bucky was asleep until- Bucky’s ears are ringing. He blinks slowly. He remembers a crash, falling and.... Steve
“Steve? He calls out, struggling to pull his body upright. He can barely hear his own voice. Was he even speaking?
He calls out again, this time his hand to his throat. His throat vibrates, so he knows he's saying something. As soon as he moves, his head starts to swim and he feels like puking. He turns his head slowly to see that the building is in complete pieces.
How did this happen? Why did this happen? People are running, people are dead. His mind goes back to Steve.
What if hes- no, he can’t think like that. He feels...numb. He knows, somewhere in his awareness, what has happened. He knows. He has all the evidence to put the pieces together. But every time he reaches for that conclusion, it disappears.
It can’t be real. It can’t be real. It can’t be real. It can’t be real.
Bucky continues to look around trying to make out anything through the thick smoke haze and his throbbing head. Besides the concussion he indefinitely had, his arm was crushed by a piece of building. He looks at his arm and tears start to fill his eyes but hang at the rim. He didn’t even notice at first, mostly because he can’t feel it. His breath becomes ragged and his heart rate accelerates tremendously. It wasn’t helping him focus at all.
“Steve!” he continues to call out as loud as he can. Which wasn’t very loud because he can barely breathe at this point. Steve heard him anyways. He would recognize Bucky anywhere.
“Bucky?” “Bucky.” he says again, collapsing beside Bucky. He runs his hands over Bucky’s body and his frantic eyes look even bluer staring into Bucky’s. When Steve’s hands touch his arm, Bucky doesn’t flinch. Bucky inhales sharply, and tears spring into his eyes,
“I-I can’t feel it” he manages to say. Steve grabs his other hand in both of his and squeezes tight.
“You feel that Buck? It’s me, i’m here okay, i’ve got you. I’m never leaving you.” Even though Bucky could barely hear what Steve was saying, the movement of his lips were enough. Bucky knew that no matter what, Steve would fight every last breath in his body to keep his promise when he used that voice. Bucky nodded, his face was grim.
“You’re hurt” Bucky says. From his position on the ground he manages to turn his head and scan his body. He seems alright, a few scratches and bruises, the soot covered most of it but the blood made them visible to the surface. But then he saw the giant piece of rod going all the way through Steve’s thigh. All the way through. Steve can barely stand. Barely move.
“This is not how I thought i’d be spending the rest of my night.” Steve chuckles lighting, trying not to sound scared but failing. His voice was high, breathy and distressed. His heart is pounding so hard that he thinks it’s going to jump out of his chest. Bucky immediately squeezes his hand. “You read about these things in the paper but...” he can’t even finish his sentence because he still feels like he's dreaming.
“How did this happen, it was a bomb right? Someone placed a goddamn bomb in our building. Is someone trying to kill us?” As soon as the words leave Bucky’s mouth, Steve’s head drops and he shakes his head.
“Steve….what is it?”
“Nothing Buck, we’re going to be fine.” Steve said, shaking the tears that are building up in his eyes. Bucky knew that voice. It was deep and dead serious, but something about it was off.
"But if this is the last time I see you, I don’t want to leave with any regrets”
“Steve, what the hell are you talking about-” Steve leans in, tentatively. He moves his hand from Bucky’s up to his hair and ever so gently runs his fingers through it. He moves so slowly that Bucky thinks his life is moving in slow motion. Finally he moves his face, stopping inches from Bucky’s, he takes one last shaky breath and finally brushes his lips softly over Bucky’s. He cups Bucky’s face in his hands. The kiss is softer than their first one. It’s more emotional, more fulfilling. The background screams fade to white noise and in that moment all that matters is their lips against each other. Bucky’s whole world flipped upside down in that moment. Part of him wants to pull away and see if Natasha, Clint or Sam was watching them. After all, this was just a show. When Steve pulled away he opens his mouth to speak but collapses. “Steve!” The tears poured out of Bucky's eyes like a water faucet. He tries to get up, only to get yanked back down by his trapped arm. The last thing he see's is Steve being dragged away.
Beep.
What was that? His alarm clock?
Beep
Why is it so loud.
He moans, rolls over and then slightly opens his eyes. Where is he?
“Bucky?”
Sam. He sounded worried but there was a hint of relief. His eyes slowly open, it took all of his brain power to do so. They stay open for about 5 seconds and then shut.
“Bucky, you gotta open your eyes.” Sam’s voice cracked, Bucky knew something was wrong so he sighed and opened them again. He’s in a room with tingey orange lights and monitors lining the wall. He wasn’t in the hospital, he knew that for sure. He had been in the hospital so many times with Steve that it was practically a second home. Sam is sitting beside his bed, his hand resting on the edge, with a cast on it. The circles under his eyes are prominent. He looks awful, like he hasn’t slept in days. Clint's by the door, but as soon as Bucky made eye contact he left. Bucky can’t stop coughing, his throat feels like sandpaper.
“Don’t try to talk. Your voice is still a little messed up, should be fine in the next few days,” Sam barely had a voice himself, it sounded raspy and harsh.
“Do you remember what happened?” He gave Bucky a moment to think. Bucky ….forcing his brain to work. He looked around the room and then his eyes landed on his arm.
“M-my arm. W-wheres my arm” His lips quivered, not because of the loss of his arm but because he couldn’t even remember how it happened. He remembered the party, he remembered talking to Natasha, he remembered watching a movie then maybe falling asleep? Bucky shook his head just a little and even that send a rush of pain to his head. Sam sighed. Clearly upset that Bucky couldn’t remember. Sam opened his mouth to say something and then shut it. Clearly something was going on.
“You should sleep. We’ll talk when you wake up okay?”
“Y-yeah, okay.” Bucky rolls over and faces the wall, he wanted to cry but nothing came.
When Bucky woke up, the room looked different. He had slept for 3 days straight. His head felt better so he swung his legs to the edge of the bed and tried to stand, he wanted to talk to Sam. But his right hand was handcuffed to the bed. He looked around the room, no key. As soon as he started to try and break the handcuff himself, Sam walked in.
“Sorry about that, we didn’t want you running off” He hears, Sam is standing at the door.
“Sam what the hell is going on?” Sam walked towards the bed, sat next to Bucky and took a deep breath.
“We were at your apartment, Clint, Natasha and I. We put on a movie and then we all drifted off. The bomb exploded somewhere around 2:20am.” He said, trying to sound calm and neutral but unable to hide the anxiety out of his voice. “You got thrown backwards, most of the debris landed on you, your arm. I made it out with nothing more than a broken arm and some broken ribs.” He sighed and then continued “I couldn’t find you. I was looking everywhere for any of you, I found clint behind what was left of a wall. Eventually I finally found you because you were screaming so loud. But by the time I got to you, you had passed out. You’re in pretty bad shape. You have a concussion, smoke damage to your throat, broken ribs and….your arm..”
“...Steve”
“Huh?”
“Steve, he- he was there before I passed out. Where is he?”
“Bucky…”
“Where is he?” Sam didn’t answer.
“Tell me he’s alive Sam!” Bucky’s voice shattered, he was crying now, he couldn’t remember why Steve was there or what he said. Was he dead? Did Steve die because of him?
“We..we don’t know where he is. But we’re trying our best to find him, I promise.”
“What the fuck do you mean you don’t know where he is?”
“Steve came to me a few months ago, told me he was in a situation and needed someone to help him. At first, he was just being followed, stalked by some sketchy guy. Then came the phone calls with the threats. If steve didn’t get away, they would have killed him. He needed a cover, which is where you came in. Steve needed someone who would trust him, do anything for him instantly without question. We both knew the answer was you.”
“The marriage…” Bucky doesn’t move, or breathe. He just sits there. He knew something was off when Steve asked to stay together for the money, Steve never cared about money. Even though Bucky knows the situation was to protect Steve he can’t help but be upset. Why didn’t Steve just tell him? Why doesn’t Steve trust him? This is the first time Bucky’s mad at Steve. He’s never been mad at Steve, sure maybe jokingly but never like this. It feels so wrong, he hates it but he cant stop it. But he's also mad at himself, mad for not being good enough for Steve. Maybe if he was someone better, maybe if he was someone worth caring for.
“Bucky, stop. Everything you’re thinking right now is far from the truth.” Sam snaps, placing a hand on his shoulder. Bucky immediately shakes the hand off.
“Don’t touch me!”
“He wouldn’t have wanted you to be like this. He always-”
“Don’t you dare tell me what he would have wanted! Don’t you dare talk about him like he’s gone!” Bucky snaps, angrier than ever now.
Sam takes a deep breath and exhales. “It fucking hurts. They could be dead and we don’t fucking know!”
“I just want him back” Bucky says, his whole body crumbles back into the bed. He can’t move, he can’t breathe.
“I know. I know. We’re gonna find him Buck. I promise.”
POV Steve
When he wakes up, he’s in a small dark room. There's nothing more than the metal chair his hands and legs are strapped to and a few windows with cloth hanging down in front of them.
“Steven Grant Rogers, you’ve been a pain in my ass.” a man said, his voice was husky.
“...Where's Bucky? What did you do to him” Steve growled, his head drowning in pain.
“That pathetic bastard from the night we found you? We left him there, screaming in agony, bet he's dead by now, probably bled out hours later.”
“Shut the hell up” Steve snapped
“Feisty little one aren’t you? Don’t like me talking about your boyfriend? Am I striking a nerve?” Steve wanted to say he's my husband, but everytime he thought about the lies and the things he did behind Bucky’s back he feels sick. They would probably go looking for Bucky now. Steve wished he’d never asked about Bucky but how could he not? Bucky was always the first thing on his mind, didn’t matter where he was, who he was with, it was always Bucky. It had always been Bucky but Steve was too stupid to have realized that earlier. He wishes he could go back in time, he would do everything so differently. Steve swallows hard. “Let's get down to business shall we?”
A few hours later, Steves laying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. He looks down at his leg that was impaled on the night of the explosion, its swollen and it's starting to go purple. Internal bleeding he guesses. He can’t die in here, not when there's a chance Bucky’s still alive. He has to have hope, because if he doesn’t then his thoughts will kill him alone.
Someone walks into the room.
“Broken leg, 4 broken ribs, dislocated jaw, fractured wrist.” She notes down on her checklist. Steve can’t see her face, mostly because his head is spinning. She walks towards Steve.
“Get up” She demands Steve pushes his head up from the ground with his two hands, the fractured wrist quickly gives out and he falls back on his face. She walks closer and crouches down next to him.
“Steve, get up or they’ll send Rumlow back in. Quick I only have a few minutes.” He recognizes the voice, Natasha. She puts her hand out for Steve to grab onto, and helps him up. He can’t stand, he’s leaning against the wall trying not to fall over. She hands him a damp cloth so he can wash the blood off and starts to wrap his leg up tightly to help stop the bleeding.
“We gotta get you to a doctor quick or you’re gonna lose the leg.”
“So what's the plan?”
He heard a noise, a scream of agony. He looks down at his hand, no longer handcuffed. He walks carefully towards the door and peers down the hallway, there was a man but he seemed distracted enough so Bucky walks as quietly as he can to the room next to his. He opens the door and stops when he sees who it is. “Clint.” Bucky lets out, his voice was harsh. Clint was sitting at the edge of his bed, refusing to make eye contact.
“I wanted to go back for Steve, but I- I couldn’t move.” Clint looks up from the ground and turns his head to Bucky. His eyes are pooling with tears, he looks exhausted, like he hasn’t slept for days.
“They took Natasha. They have her too. I wish she was dead. I wish they were all dead and we were too.” A tear falls down Bucky's cheek, because he understood exactly what Clint meant. He wishes they were dead too. He wishes they didn’t have to live every second wondering whether their friends were being tortured or used for some experiment or even dead.
He wishes that he could trade spots with Steve. He would do it in a heartbeat, no question.
“It...it hurts to breathe. Every breath I take reminds me that i'm alive and he might not be. I-I don’t know how to live without him.” he says, his lip quivering. Just a few weeks ago they were making coffee, laughing, he would give anything to go back to that, to see Steve again. He didn’t know if he ever would see him again and that ate apart every inch of his body.
“Everytime I came to check on you I could never look at your face because you have it so much worse, but here I am falling apart.” Bucky didn’t know how to answer that, he walked towards Clint and pulled him into a tight hug. They weren’t as close friends as they were with the others, but it didn’t matter. The room was filled with pain, pain that both of them felt at different levels, but nonetheless pain.
Bucky takes the ring off his finger, trying to remember what it was like before all of this started. He wears it on his right hand now. His finger is left with red markings and bumps of where the ring hugs his finger. He circles the ring in his hand a few times and then squints his eyes, he holds the ring closer and realizes that something is written on the inside. ‘Till the end of the line. That's what they used to say- Used to say. Wouldn’t say anymore. He's gone. He isn’t sure when it happened. When Steve had managed to weasel his way into every crook of Bucky’s life. Everything reminds him of Steve, and it’s really, really fucking annoying because now he’s gone. He just dumped everything, his blue eyes, his perfect hair, his stupid laugh, he dumped it all on Bucky and left him there alone. Now he's haunted by it all and he can’t escape. He was hitting his head against the wall now and every time it makes his head spin. Steve had it easier because he was dead, but Bucky has to live like this now. He has to wake up every morning living half the life he did before.
“This is all your fault” he lets out, his teeth grinding together. These words weren’t meant Steve.
“All your goddamn fault” he started punching at the wall now and his knuckles oozed with blood. His hand started to throb more and more after every hit but the pain was bearable, much more than the pain in his heart. God, he was fucking angry. How could Steve do this to him? How could he spend all this time using him, letting him believe that Steve cared about him. How could he let Bucky fall so in love with him to the point where even when he hates him, he loves him. Fucking unbelievable. He took the ring off his finger again, but this time he threw it at the door. Sam comes rushing to his room and sighs when he sees the blood on the wall and his hand.
“He's taunting us with them.” Sam says, sitting down next to Bucky. Bucky doesn’t say anything. He just sits there, staring the wall.
“I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”
“Right, like you ever cared about me”
“Bucky-” Sam lets out sincerely
“Save it.” Bucky didn’t want to be pitied right now, or told that everything would be okay. He didn’t want a hug or even fucking ice cream. He just wanted to soak in his pain, he just wanted to fall apart. He started to break from this moment on and nothing could stop it.
It's been three weeks. Bucky just desperately wanted to go home. To go back, to start over. All the memories of him and Steve burnt down with the apartement. They managed to save a few things from their apartment, but nothing important. After going through an experience like that, the little things didn’t seem to matter as much. But Bucky didn’t necessarily think of his apartment as home. His home was wherever Steve was. He hadn’t realized just how much time they spent together until he was gone. It was like a part of Bucky had been ripped out of him and now there was a hollow hole and no way to fill the gap. Bucky likes being alone. Or at least, he used to. Now he hates it.
The silence eats him alive.
The room is too big, too empty, too quiet. But it doesn’t matter because that's how it’s gonna be from now on so he better get used to it. He tries to go to work but they tell him to take as much time off as he can. But he floats around anyways.
He finds himself constantly looking over his shoulder, watching the door, waiting, praying that the blond hair will walk in and tell him it was all a dream. That they can go home now, that it's over. He hates that he keeps going there, only to leave with his hopes and dreams crushed. He doesn’t like getting his hopes up because it always leads to disappointment. But that's what Steve is good at. Getting Bucky’s hopes up. Taking his dull, monochrome existence and adding color. Adding light. Adding happiness. Making him enjoy and see things in ways he could never before. And then over the course of one night, all that is taken away. Leaving Bucky right back where he started. It was like holding out candy to a child and then taking it away, knowing they want it desperately.
Asshole.
It’s funny how fast his mood changes.
It’s funny how much of a control Steve has over him.
As much as he’s moping, he also mad as hell. He's pissed that all these years even though Steve would open up to him, he still kept Bucky at arms length. Hes furious because hes fucking worried out of his mind. He’s mad because he thought they had something. He’s mad because Steve walks like he's on thin ice around him. As much as Bucky wants to punch him in the goddamn face, he also wants to kiss him. And that’s what’s infuriating. He wants to be mad, he wants to hate him. But he knows what he truly wants is to have Steve back.
You feel that Buck? It’s me, i’m here okay, i’ve got you. I’m never leaving you. The words replay over and over in his head. He said he would never leave Bucky. But that's exactly what he did.
Wait a minute. When did Steve say that to him?
Something clicks in his brain.
He knew Steve was there before he passed out but suddenly he can connect a few more dots. He remembers Steves hand running through his hair, he remembers Steve’s lips against his own. He remembers Steve’s lips moving, he was saying something. He tries to remember, he shuts his eyes and tries to go back to that night. But nothing comes.
Suddenly he's interrupted “Bucky, we gotta go now.”
He turns his head to the door. Its Clint.
“We found them.”
Bucky’s heart drops a thousand feet.
He’s alive.
When they get to the hospital they find Natasha. She’s sitting in the waiting room and her legs are trembling. Clint is the first to greet her, when she meets his eyes she gets up and runs towards him and they collide into a kiss.
“Finally” Bucky murmurs.
He’s glad that Natasha isn’t too hurt, she has a few scars here and there and her arms in a sling. But he wants to know where Steve is and why he isn’t with her. She hugs sam and then pulls Bucky into one too.
“You can’t visit him yet but he's being released today. Hes okay, much better than he was a week ago.” Bucky’s whole body relaxes. He’s okay. They all sit down and there's a feeling of relief but also exhaustion. Because these past few weeks have been hell. Natasha explains the whole situation starting from the explosion night. She got out clean with barely a scratch that night. She went looking for Clint but couldn’t find him but she managed to find Steve kneeling in front of Bucky.
By the time she had found them Steve was being knocked out and dragged away. She didn’t want to leave Bucky but she knew Steve was danger. She followed them out back and managed to sneak her way into the back of a van, killing the agent and changing into his uniform. She couldn’t help much with Steves leg, she’s glad she left it in because he would have bled out and died right then and there if she pulled it out. She wrapped it as best and she could and hoped it would do until she could figure out how they were going to escape.
“So how did you get out?”
“It took me a while but I was able to take apart the walkie talkie, hyjack into our systems and contact Fury. He sent a squad out and arrested them all.” She turns to Bucky “It’s over.”
Nobody ever asked Natasha what she did, but it didn't matter because whatever it was, it saved Steve.
When Steve finally comes out he's tackled with hugs and he's laughing, smiling, telling everyone that he’s okay. His eyes are scanning the room and his smile beams brighter as hes see’s Bucky, but then he see’s Bucky’s missing an arm and then suddenly Bucky is getting up from where he was sitting and he's walking out the hospital doors. His smile fades and he's biting his lip now, staring down at his shoes.
Natasha pulls him into another hug and whispers something and Steve nods his head, knowing exactly what he has to do. They all walk outside to where Bucky is standing and walk to Clint’s car.
They have rooms booked at a hotel because Steve and Bucky can’t go to their apartment and none of them want to be alone after all this. Bucky sits in the passenger seat and everyone else is squished in the back, while Clint drives. The drive there is silent. Sam whispers things to Steve but he shushes him. Clint puts the radio on to try and ease the weird vibe. They’re all waiting for Bucky or Steve to say or do something but neither of them crack. At this point everyone knows their situation.
“Would you quit looking at me like that.” Bucky snaps at Clint. Steve’s a little taken back at first, he's never seen Bucky this tense. But he realizes that it's probably his fault and he falls his head back into the headrest.
At the hotel Natasha hands Steve and Bucky a key. Bucky looks at his and then Steve’s, same room.
Fucking fantastic.
He starts to walk towards the elevator and Steve chases after him.
“Bucky-” Bucky waits impatiently for the elevator to come, he's hitting the button trying to make it go faster. He gives up when Steve gets closer to him. They stand in the elevator in silence. Bucky's not even looking at Steve and it infuriates him. As soon as the elevator opens Bucky's off again.
“Bucky come on!”
They get into the room and Bucky sits on the bed, releasing a deep sigh. Steve walks tentatively towards the bed and sits beside him. Everytime Steve opens his mouth, nothing comes out.
“They told me to find someone that I trusted so of course it had to be you..” he pauses for a moment wondering if Bucky is going to stop him. “I didn’t want to... to lie to you, to use you, I didn’t want to put you in danger. But I- there was nothing else to do.”
“Bullshit Steve. There was nothing else to do?” Bucky's voice grows harsher and he could feel the heat rising in him. “You could have told me! You were in trouble!”
“I didn’t want to risk it...I didn’t want to risk them taking you too. I knew that if they took me i’d be fine because i’d know you were be okay.”
“Thats where you’re wrong. I thought you were dead!”
“I know-”
“No you don’t because if you’d died and id live, id have nothing. That's what you don’t get...you don’t get it-”
“You don’t think it goes both ways? Jesus Buck, I couldn’t imagine a world without you” Steve tries to put his hand on Bucky’s but he moves it to his lap. He opens his mouth to say something but then sighs, pulling his hand back.
“You used me. I was a sad, lonely charity case so you used me. You’re a goddamn liar. I trusted you.” Bucky scoffs, shaking his head. He wanted Steve back so badly and now that he finally had him, he was just hurting him. But he couldn’t help it. "It's over."
“Bucky.” Steve shifts closer to him and grabs his hand.
Suddenly Bucky forgets how to form a sentence.
How was he even supposed to fit everything he was feeling into a sentence?
“It was all fake. You were faking everything. But- but I….I wasn’t.” Bucky swallows hard, he's biting his lip too hard and it starts to bleed. Did he really just say that? He feels like he's going to throw up.
“You really don’t remember do you?” Steve says, Bucky turns to meet his eyes and they’re soft, his smile is gentle and warm. He lifts his hand to Bucky’s face and wipes the blood from his lip with his thumb. Bucky’s eyes flutter to the touch. “The night of the explosion, right before I...I left you.” Steve’s voice cracks and his eyes fill up with tears. “I kissed you-”
“I remember”
“...And I told you I loved you” Steve says. Bucky’s eyes are glued to his and his heart is suddenly beating out of his chest.
“I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t lying then, and i'm not lying now.” Bucky’s stunned and paralyzed now, his hands are sweating and he's sweating and
oh god when did it get so hot in here.
“W-why didn’t you just talk to me before.” is all he could manage to say
“I didn’t want ...I didn’t think you’d-”
“You thought I wouldn’t want to marry you? Christ, Stevie, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. You think I haven’t been dreaming about that since the day we met? Coulda proposed to me then and I would’ve said yes”
“I didn’t wanna force you into anything. Jesus Buck I didn’t think you’d choose me.” “What the hell makes you think that. Goddamnit, Steve. I have loved you ever since the first moment I met you, it's always been you.”
“That's what you said when I bet you couldn’t flirt...you really meant all that huh?”
“Every word, doll.”
“All those things...I said and did- i’m sorry, i’m so so sorry. I know that’s not enough, I know it doesn’t fix things. I- I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Jesus Buck, your arm, i’m so sorry. I should’ve never got you into this mess-”
“Steve...” he starts, grabbing his face gently and pulling it up to face his. “I love you, too. If- I mean if that still stands.”
“Till the end of the line” Steve smiles, and he's glowing. And Bucky can’t believe how beautiful he looks in that moment. His hand still on the side of Steve’s face, he pushes it further back into his hair. He leans in slowly and Steve’s eyes close, letting him know that it's okay...their lips touch. The kiss starts gentle, like they don’t want to hurt each other. It’s slow but it's full of so much emotion and passion. Steve’s breath hitched at the first press of Bucky’s lips against his own. But it’s also overwhelming to Bucky, Steve loves him and now here they are kissing and Bucky’s just waiting for someone to wake him up and realize it's all a dream. But when Steve puts his hands on both sides of Bucky's face and pulls him into the kiss harder, he realizes this is actually happening.
“Why did we wait so long to do this” Steve groans in between kisses
“Cause you’re a punk” Bucky says smirking
“Jerk”
Bucky moves his hand down to Steve waist and he jumps a little bit at the touch. Their lips pulled apart enough for Bucky to start laughing. Steve wants to hit him, but instead he throws Bucky’s torso onto the bed and now Steve is lying on top of Bucky, but he’s just staring at him, smirking. Steve grabs bucky’s hair and Bucky tilts his head ever so slightly to the side. He places his mouth right below Bucky’s ear and started to suck and then bite. Small gasps leave Bucky’s mouth and he has to grab onto the side of the bed. He moves his mouth down Bucky’s neck to his collarbone and then Steve stops and glares at Bucky, eyes furrowed seeing that Bucky’s shirt is still on. That look is enough for Bucky to understand and he doesn’t have to say it twice. Steve stands there in awe, admiring how beautiful he is.
“God Buck, you’re so- wow.” Steves cheeks flush pink and he bites down on his lip like he's hungry. He lets his hand trail across Bucky’s chest and down to his abs.
“It doesn’t bother you? That t-the arms gone?”
Steve doesn’t hesitate, barely even letting Bucky finish that sentence “No Buck, god no. I fell in love with you, for you. The arm gone doesn’t change that.”
Bucky’s eyes start to fill with tears and within seconds he's crying. He turns away from Steve and tries to wipe away his tears with his hand. Steve gets up from the bed and walks around so that he's facing Bucky.
“Hey” he says gently, he kneels down and grabs Bucky’s hand, placing soft delicate kisses to each finger. “You were almost dead” his face crumpled and he’s gripping onto the bed sheets now.
“Hey” Steve says, “None of that. I’m alive. You’re alive. It’s over, we’re safe.” Bucky sighed, he took Steve’s hand in his and squeezed it tight. He needed to make sure he wasn’t dreaming again.
“I love you, Steve.”
“I love you too, Buck.” He moved up so he could place his lips on Bucky’s, holding his hands right on Bucky’s neck. Steve kept his eyes closed after their lips parted, afraid that if he opened them again he would be right back at the explosion, leaving Bucky again. The grief and guilt that rested inside him ate away at his soul. Though, he would never breakdown in front of Bucky, because Bucky didn’t need that. But with his eyes closed, he could feel him; his hands tangled in his hair, the warmth of his breath and Bucky’s fingers curled into his shirt. At first Steve hadn’t noticed but then Bucky wouldn’t stop staring at it.
“I uh, I put it on my right hand. I know it's not the same but ...then I accidentally took it off and threw, and so I kinda lost it.” he sniffles but can’t help a small laugh escape.
“Accidentally took it off and threw it huh?” Steve laughs and rolls his eyes. He places a kiss to Bucky’s forehead and then another on the top of his head before standing up and walking towards the door. “
I'll be right back, okay?”
After a few minutes he hears the door open and Steve walks in with a huge grin on his face. When he sees Bucky he bursts out laughing, almost falling to the floor. Bucky’s curled into the blankets, he has one wrapped around his head making him look like a burrito. He’s watching some baking show on Netflix, he loves it. He loves watching people get stressed about cakes and argue about which colour frosting to use. “What are you laughing at, punk. Get over here.” Bucky whines. Steve’s holding something behind his back but Bucky can’t see.
“Pause the show for a minute, I have something.” Steve walks towards the bed and stands there.
“The first time I did this, I screwed up. So, I want to make things right.” He says and then he's taking off his ring and he throws it at the door. Bucky’s confused, his eyebrows furrowed but he can’t help but laugh. Steve’s looking at Bucky with the biggest eyes, his heart flutters every time he makes Bucky laugh. He opens his hand and holds out a ring pop, and then kneels on one knee.
“I want you to see that there's nobody else I wanna be with. You’re it for me, Buck. You’re my favourite person in the whole entire world. I've been in love with you my whole life, before I even knew what love was. I wasted so much time and I fucked up...but now that i’ve got you, I'm never letting you go again and im gonna spend every minute making it up to you. So, James Buchanan Barnes, would you take this cherry limeade ring pop and do me the honour of being my husband?”
“Steven Grant Rogers, I would want nothing more in the world than to be yours, punk.” Bucky's smiling so hard his cheeks were aching. He’d never been happier than he was tonight.
He wraps his arms around Steves neck and leans down to kiss him. Steve places the ring pop on Bucky’s right hand and as Bucky goes to place Steve’s on his left, Steve guides it to his other.
“Want it on my right, same as you.” Bucky buries his face in Steve’s neck and they just stand there for a minute.
“I love you” Bucky mumbles into his neck.
“I love you more” Steve whispers.