Loki can't stop watching Magnus when he sleeps. He looks like Tony. Those beautiful brown eyes. His sun kissed skin. His soft brown hair. Loki thinks of how Sigrid looks like Tony too. The only different is the color of her hair. Magnus is a good baby. Just like Sigrid was. Still is. Loki wants to cry when he looks at Magnus. He misses Tony. His heart breaks for their son because he doesn't know his father and their daughter is indifferent now. Thor has finally put Sigrid down for a nap. They both slept good. They never worried too much.
Thor moved in after Jane's funeral. He didn't know how to mourn. He was afraid to mourn by himself. Loki knew the feeling. Sometimes it felt like he was a widow. But in order to be a widow, you need to lose a spouse and unfortunately, Tony and Loki never got that far. Sigrid was happy to have Thor move in. Magnus wouldn't be without a father figure. Thor had taken care of Sigrid when Tony and Loki weren't there. Sigrid knew Magnus would not be hurt with Thor in the home, helping her protect her mother and brother.
+
"How is it going now?" Sam asked.
"Good." Loki smiled.
"Having any thoughts?"
"I thought I would since I did with Sigrid but despite circumstances, emotionally as a mother, I'm in a better place this time."
"How's Sigrid? You told me she was showing anger before."
"I'm not sure which I'd prefer. Rage or indifference."
"At least when she was angry, she felt something. When you feel indifferent, you're numb to the object."
"In this case, she's numb to her father."
Sam has been a miracle. At least, Loki wouldn't make the effort. He thought he was doing good before. But after Thor finally forced Loki to talk to Sam, Loki was thankful. Sam was patient. He was kind. He was a good support even though he occasionally was done with the drama. Then again, he dealt with Bucky and Steve on a daily basis.
"I've been having thoughts though." Loki admitted.
"What about?" Sam listened.
"I've been thinking about Tony a lot."
"I mean you did give birth to his son; his second child three months ago."
"Sigrid looks like Tony; give or take but Magnus. He looks exactly like Tony. I've seen his baby picture."
"Loki, you need to stop right there."
"You don't know what I'm getting at."
"The hell I do. You want to go see Tony. He's still recovering."
Loki knew that. He had agreed to let Tony message him from time to time if it was only about his progress. Loki never messaged back. He knew if he did, it would ruin everything. Thor made sure he would not respond. He was going through depression like he did with Sigrid but Magnus made him miss Tony so much. Magnus was born without his father at their side. Thor was there. Magnus had his one month celebration without Tony. Magnus learned to sit up without Tony being able to witness it. Sam was right though. They were doing good where they were at right now. But Loki missed his...
"How is Magnus though? I'm sorry I haven't seen him much. Or Sigrid." Sam's face softened.
"Good. He laughs all the time. Sigrid is absolutely in love with her brother." Loki smiled. His children always made him happy.
Loki knew what Sam wanted to ask. Loki hadn't talked about it since Tony was put in the hospital by Thor. That seemed so long ago now. God, Loki realized, it was a year ago.
"I don't think about it anymore." Loki suddenly said. "Sigrid still feels my sadness but she says she doesn't feel the hurt anymore. Her magic has gotten much better. I'm so proud. Tony would be proud. But I just haven't thought of it much since Tony showed up at the house that night. He begged me to let him see Sigrid or the ultrasound of Magnus. I said no. Then he begged me for a kiss and I told him I couldn't even though I wanted to. Then before he finally left, he asked me to tell him I love him and I did. Because I still do. My Gods, I realized it's been a year since it all happened."
"Why don't you think about it anymore?" Sam nodded. This was progress.
"That night, he just admitted all the things he did. It wasn't much but it gave me closure. But it brought more pain too. I love him so much, Sam. I really do. I never thought he was a bad father. I wasn't the best mother in the beginning but I try. Even before...the attempted rape, he was always a good father. Even if he was out of his mind, drunk. He never hit Sigrid. He never screamed at her. He never crushed her being. But he opened up about his father. He never talked about his father before. The only thing I knew of his father for a long time was a name. I figured out there was some abuse but he never talked about it. The fact he brought up his father screamed a million things."
"That's good. But that's not what truly gave you closure."
Loki bit his lip. Tony admitting the rape. Apologizing for everything he did and said. Even letting Sigrid hate him and acknowledging he didn't break the cycle like he thought. Suddenly, it was easy to admit what it was. But it was still hard to talk about it. But he had to be brave or it was going to haunt him for the rest of his days. So Loki talked. Told Sam everything that ever was in his mind. And Sam listened. Supported him. Comforted him when Loki finally broke down and sobbed. A year of keeping these feelings to himself. A year of keeping his fears in his mind. A year of keeping his horrible thoughts of his second baby to himself.
+
Loki felt he had a breakthrough. He felt guilty of how he felt towards Magnus for a while. He was conceived during a bad time between Loki and Tony but Sam told him he wasn't a bad mother. A lot of bad things went through his head back then. He didn't go home right away. Thor didn't mind watching his niece and nephew. Thor still mourned over Jane but he was in a better place now. Despite everything, Loki still made a bad choice.
"Loki?"
Loki turned his head and saw Tony. He was still so handsome. He looked better. He didn't look so tired all the time. Being an alcoholic did that. It took a lot out of you. Tony looked more...lively. He had more color in his face. His hair was combed. He was wearing nice clothes again. Even his voice was bad to normal. Tony really was trying. He was almost back to who he used to be. Before the depression. Before the miscarriage. Before the relapse.
"Anthony." Loki said. He hasn't used his real name in a long time, it seems.
"You look good, Loke." Tony bit his lip.
Loke. He hasn't heard that nickname in a long time too.
"You look better." Loki smiled.
"You think?" Tony chuckled. "You have no idea what that does to my ego."
Loki steps closer. He remembers those words. He said that phrase the first time they made love; not the first time they ever slept together. There's very little space between them now. Tony knows better. He does. He still loves Loki so much and he realized Loki still loved him. Like he had swore.
"What are you doing here?" Tony shuttered.
"I miss you." Loki breathed.
"We need to keep our distance right now."
"Magnus is three months old and he can sit up on his own."
Tony's heart drops. His son. The son he hasn't seen yet. Six months. That's how long it's been since he showed up at the house. Since Jane's funeral.
"Let me kiss you one time and I'll leave right now." Tony breathed, repeating his words from six months ago.
Loki doesn't say anything at first. Tony thinks he's going to reject him again. Like before.
"Yes." Loki leans in.
And they share the first kiss they've had in nearly over a year.