Chapter 17
Peter doesn’t think he’s ever had so many friends in his life. Which is kind of depressing, but it is also the truth. At his old high school, he had about three friends, but they were more of acquaintances. People he could chat with in passing or eat lunch with, so he wasn’t alone. Now, though? Now, he has honest to god actual friends, best friends, even. Ned, MJ, Weasel, V and of course, Wade.
Peter has never felt so accepted by anyone. Except with his Uncle Ben and Aunt May. What’s even better? Aunt May absolutely adores his patchwork group of friends. Every one of them has started to jokingly call Aunt May “Mama May”. Which was, naturally, started up by Weasel when the group had commandeered Peter’s house for an after school study session. It was one of the rare times Wade didn’t have practice after school and also one of the even rarer times Aunt May had a day off. Aunt May had asked if anyone wanted snacks and of course, all of them beng growing teenagers had said yes. So, she whipped up some pizza rolls and handed out sodas. When she handed one to Wes, he smiled hugely and said thanks, Mama May. Her smile was so huge that Peter was surprised it didn’t hurt. So, now, all his friends call her Mama May.
Aunt may is beyond thrilled with how Peter’s friends treat her. That makes him incredibly happy. Aunt May works so hard and she doesn’t smile near enough. He always asks her if them being over makes her tired or if they’re to much because, while he loves his friends, they can get a bit loud and rowdy. Especially when Wade and Wes decide the living room as their own personal wrestling mat. Aunt May always waves his concerns away and smiles. “I always liked kids, you all make me feel young. Your Uncle would have loved them, Petey.”
That’s another thing that astounds Peter about his best friends, they all know about what happened to Uncle Ben. They are aware of Peter’s depression and never once have they judged him for it nor do they treat him with kid gloves. He’s able to talk openly with them about his bad days. They accept them when they hit. Never once do they shun him or make him feel bad when he cancels plans when a bad day hits. They usually post pictures of what they are doing in the group chat that Wade made or sometimes, they show up at Peter’s house with a few movies and junk food. All of them will curl up on the living room couch, Peter always pressed into Wade’s side, Wades’ arm curled protectively around his shoulders and they’ll watch movies and just eat junk food. Aunt May has come home after a shift to find all six of them snoring and curled around each other on the couch. She snaps a picture every time it happens and saves it to her camera roll. She even has one set as her lock screen.
Peter’s pretty sure that she sends them to Officer Logan’s phone because the two of them have become fast friends. Plus, Wade has peeked at his dad’s phone and saw one of the pictures as his lock screen, too. Wade was a bit emotional over it and demanded to be little spoon until he felt better when it was just him and Peter at the house. Peter just thinks he used that as an excuse to be cuddle. Not that he would ever need an excuse. Peter loves being big spoon. Something about Wade feeling safe in his arms, gets Peter feeling some type of way.
Wade just melts into Peter as soon as he’s laid behind him. He lets out these content little noises and rubs Peter’s hands because Wade always likes to hold onto Peter’s hands or arms when they are spooning. Peter swears that his hands are pure magic, callouses and all. It gives Peter a sense of power having a big guy like Wade wanting to be held by him. Wanting to be taken care of. It’s such a power trip to have Wade trust him, to be able to see him go all soft limbed and…submissive?
Maybe not exactly submissive but close to it. The point is that Wade trusts him. He lets Peter in and lets himself be held and be cared for. By Peter, the nerdy guy with a lot of trauma. Trauma he’s been painstakingly working through and learning to work with and accept but trauma none-the-less. It just astounds Peter just how much the older boy trusts him. He loves it. Simply doesn’t ever want to get enough of it.
He doesn’t feel alone, hopeless or helpless anymore. At least, not all the time. Dr. Rogers is beyond pleased with how much he has improved. His therapist says that Uncle Ben would be proud of his progress. Some days Peter feels like he’s slipping down back into that dark place he was in when he first moved. Dr. Rogers tells him that getting better is not always a straight stretch. When you get better, it’s more of an up and down experience, like a very steep road with a lot of bumps. You are going to have your good days when you feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can stop you. However, with those days come the days where you can’t even crawl out of bed and every thing just seems so overwhelming. When you are healing, when you are getting mentally healthy, those bad days are just a part of it.
“You have to treat yourself well, Peter,” Dr. Rogers told him in their last video appointment. “Your brain is an organ. A very important organ. Think of it like this, when you pull a muscle or injure any part of your body, it takes time and care to heal it and even when it is healed, you are always going to be more careful with it. Your brain is your most valuable organ, you have to treat it with extra care.”
And he does, well. He tries. Sometimes, though, he misses the comfort of being sad. That familiarity of those hopeless and self-destructive thoughts. He knew who that Peter was, the Peter who felt alone all the time. There are somedays that he has no idea who he is or what he is doing because healing has shifted the way he thinks about so many things. It is an amazing thing to realize just how far he has come.
On that same note, Peter also hates therapy and getting better because it is not as easy as it sounds. When people think of therapy, they think of a person in a suit with a clipboard sitting in a chair while they nod, write stuff down on their little piece of paper and ask, “and how does that make you feel?” Therapy isn’t anything like that. Therapy and getting better is hard work because you are constantly challenging yourself and carving out a new version of you. It is hard and it is tiring and therapy only works if you want to listen and put in all the work into becoming mentally okay.
So, yes. Peter loves therapy but he also hates therapy. He is getting better. It’s a slow process but he can see the progress and that is what drives him to keep going. It may sound selfish, but he wants to get better for himself, not anyone else. Dr. Rogers says that it isn’t selfish. He says that it’s a sign of his growth. Peter still feels selfish sometimes, though.
Especially when his friends decide to do something and he just doesn’t have the energy to go. They always reassure him that it is fine and they understand and no Pete, we aren’t mad. Rest and feel better. We’ll keep you updated. He feels even worse when Wade goes and he doesn’t. That’s what couples are supposed to do right? Go places together and have fun? Sometimes, Peter also feels like a horrible boyfriend.
“Are you guys sure you’re not mad that I’m not going?” Peter asks for probably the hundredth time in the span of five minutes. He hears a sigh on the other side of the phone and winces, ducking his head in shame even though no one can see him. He hates when he gets like this.
“I promise no one is mad at you, PeteyPie,” Wade reassures, patience in his tone. Honestly, Wade Wilson is a saint of a boyfriend.
“I just feel bad,” Peter mumbles, scratching at his leg. “This is the fourth time I’ve canceled on you guys…”
“And we understand. School has been super crazy and you’re probably drained because you strive to pass all your classes. We get it, baby boy. We’re not mad. We just want you to be okay,” his boyfriend says, voice gentle and Peter’s throat feels tight.
He swallows thickly. “Thank you.”
“Of course, baby boy. We’ll talk later, okay? V and Wes are outside and honking obnoxiously. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Okay, have fun! Text me when you get home, please?”
“Always. Bye baby boy!” And Wade hangs up with a click.
Peter stares around his room blankly. He doesn’t know why he didn’t feel like going because honestly, laser tag is definitely more fun than staying home and doing homework. Again. He squints, trying to remember the last time he went out. He’s shocked to realize that it’s been about a month since he’s left the house for anything that wasn’t grocery shopping, or school. He lets out an explosive sigh and lays on his back. He stares listlessly at the white ceiling of his bedroom.
He feels weird. Not depressed, not anxious. He just feels…blah.
He feels blah and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Grabbing his phone off his nightstand, he pulls up google. He types out what to do when you feel blah in the search bar and waits for the results page to load. Their internet has been slow lately.
When the page finally loads, he clicks on a site that says reads: 22 Ways to Get Out of A Blah Mood. Peter sighs and starts reading.
Physical touch
Kisses and cuddles release oxytocin, the feel-good hormone. If you don’t have a partner, ask your bestie for a good hug. I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend who has a Hug-o-Meter, and she reminds me that if it’s not topped up enough she gets ill. This is a brilliant thing to tell your friends if you need some squeezes! Now, I’m off to give my best friend a hug.
Have a chat
Call up someone who you know will listen without judgement. If they are a friend with a sense of humour, even better. If there’s no friend around, smile and say hello to strangers on the way to work. Go on, I dare you, how many replies can you get on your commute?
Remind yourself that you’re lucky
Gratitude is a wonderful tool. Write down a few things you’re grateful for and remember that there is always someone having a harder time than you. Yep, if necessary, just guilt yourself into feeling better!
Get Outside
Get that blood moving and breathe in some fresh air. The better the view, the greater you’ll feel. The outdoors is a perfect reset button and connecting with nature is scientifically proven to improve health, happiness and self-esteem, reduce frustration and approach meditative states with much less effort. Got a big decision to make? Never ever make it in a room.
Get moving
Let your heart do what it’s good at and get that blood pumping. Exercise, especially outdoors, will put everything in perspective and make you feel alive. Go for a jog, a fast walk or a cycle. Or choose another way to travel without a motor.
Peter thinks over what he’s read before nodding. He climbs out of bed and goes to seek out Aunt May. He finds her at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of something hot and scrolling through her phone. She startles when she sees Peter. Peter cocks his head in confusion. Didn’t she know he was home? He comes fully into the kitchen and gives her a hug.
“You scared me, Petey,” she laughs, hugging back. He sags in her hold, feeling instant relief. “I thought you had plans with everybody tonight?” She asks, pulling back slightly so they can stare at one another. “Logan said something about laser tag earlier this week when I spoke to him.”
“They did go to laser tag,” he says, stepping back fully.
“But you didn’t?” Aunt Mays asks, and Peter shrugs. “Peter, is something the matter? I’ve noticed you’ve not been going out all that much. Do we need to schedule an in person visit with Dr. Rogers?”
“That’s what I was coming to talk to you about,” he says and at her crestfallen look, he quickly adds, “I was hoping maybe you could drive me to the arcade? I don’t really want to go out but I think it would make me feel better. And I think I might be worrying everybody.”
Aunt May smiles. “Of course, I’ll drive you. Just have someone bring you home, okay?” Peter nods. “All right, let’s get going then.”
The arcade is packed when Aunt May pulls her little blue Subaru into the lot. Peter lets out a big breath. He feels suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people that could possibly be in the building that he almost doesn’t want to get out the car. Aunt May nudges his arm with her elbow. When he looks over, she flashes him a reassuring smile. He tries to smile back, and he knows it looks more like a pained grimace.
“What has you nervous right now?” Aunt May asks.
Peter doesn’t bother lying to her. “All the people here. I know it’s an arcade but for some reason, I wasn’t expecting this many.”
Aunt May nods. “We can go home if you don’t want to be around so many people, Pete.”
He considers it before shaking his head. Dr. rogers and the article he read said that being out, simply being around people will help. Peter is tired of feeling blah and he’s tired of possibly letting his friends down. He knows that this will be good for him. He also knows that just because something is good for him doesn’t mean he will like it. That’s just how the cookie crumbles, sometimes. Letting out another huge breath from his lungs, he unbuckles the seatbelt.
“Thanks, Aunt May,” he gives her a little hug before opening the door and stepping out onto the concrete. “I’ll probably have MJ drop me off.”
“Love you, Petey, be safe!” She calls out before reversing and eventually driving out of the packed lot.
Peter turns to face the arcade. The building seems to loom over him, but he knows he just feels like that because of the mood he is in. Squaring his shoulders, he walks up to the front door, opens it, and walks in. His ears are immediately assaulted by load music pumping from the speakers and the yelling of people having good times. He starts scanning the room for his friends and Wade. He doesn’t see them at first and he panics slightly, thinking they have already left.
A door opens and then his friends spill out into the packed main area, laughing and shoving each other. For a minute, it makes Peter’s heart squeeze painfully in his chest. They are having a perfectly good time without him here. Him being here would probably bring their highs down immediately. Peter doesn’t want that so he turns around to leave and maybe call Aunt May to come pick him up. Then he thinks about her disappointed face and decides he can walk home. His house isn’t that far away.
He’s almost out of the place when Wade spots him and calls out, “BABY BOY!” loudly enough that people go quiet for a few seconds. Peter’s ears burn bright red. He turns around and smiles thinly, heart aching, at his friend’s and Wade’s excited but shocked expressions. He’s let them down so many times. His throat gets thick, and he swallows trying to get rid of the feeling.
“Um, hey guys,” he murmurs, giving an awkward wave while looking down at his converses.
He doesn’t expect to be wrapped up in a huge, sweaty group hug, so he’s not all that embarrassed by the noise that leaves his mouth when that is exactly what occurs. His friends are talking over one another all at once. Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? How long have you been here? You’re feeling better? Yay, you made it! You little shit, that’s like a sneak attack.
He laughs quietly and they pull away. Except Wade. Nope, Wade stays up close to Peter. His arms wrapped tightly, almost protectively over the smaller boy. Peter feels better with the contact, and allows himself to melt into it, just a bit. The unexpected group hug made him feel loads better, too.
“You already missed laser tag,” MJ and V complain at the same time. Peter laughs, shaking his head.
Ned breathes a sigh of relief. “A good thing, trust me, Peter. Those two,” he waves two fingers between MJ and V, “are ruthless when teamed up. You would’ve have died the first round.”
“They’re like cobras,” Weasel says, shuddering. “It’s horrifying.”
MJ and V just preen at their comments, puffing up like peacocks.
“They’re not allowed to ever be teamed up again,” Wade adds in, nodding his head. “It was funny to watch. Ned’s right though, baby boy, you would’ve have died.”
Peter mock gasps and clutches his shirt, right above his heart. “You mean you wouldn’t have protected me?” he asks, batting his eyelashes in the way he knows makes the captain a bit hot and bothered. He pulls this anytime he wants to have a great make out session with his boyfriend. The move doesn’t disappoint.
Almost instantly, Wade’s whiskey eyes darken. His jaw tenses as does his arms around Peter. Peter smiles up at him and is about to open his mouth and say something he’d probably be embarrassed about later when a vaguely familiar voice calls out his name.
Peter turns his head, as do all of his friends and Wade.
“Peter Parker!” The black haired boy says, wide eyes and shocked smile. “I haven’t seen you in forever, man!”
Peter smiles back, shocked that it’s genuine. “Eddie,” he says, letting out an ompf when he’s wrapped in a hug by the somewhat taller boy, Wade’s arms be damned. He laughs awkwardly and pats Eddie on the back until he’s released.
With wide eyes, again, Eddie says, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he looks at Wade, at the group, then back at Peter, “I forgot to introduce myself an then hugged you right over your boyfriends arms. Yikes.” He blushes and that seems to break the ice cause his friends laugh.
Wade, on the other hand, does not laugh. No. Wade, his wonderful, jealous, protective boyfriend, is glaring at Eddie. His arm squeezing Peter just on the side of ouch. Oh, no. Oh, no, here we go, Peter thinks, with a sigh. Eddie smiles sheepishly, holding out a hand for a shake. Wade eyes it, but takes it.
“Sorry, again, man,” he says when they let go. “It’s just been so long since I’ve seen him. We used to eat lunch together before he moved,” Eddie explains. “I’m not a threat, I swear. My dates are around here somewhere.” He looks around. “Ah, there they are!” He waves two people, a guy and a girl, over.
Peter recognizes them, too.
“Hey guys,” Eddie smiles, wrapping an arm around each of their waists, “Look who I found!”
“Peter,” Annie smiles sweetly. “It’s great to see you, again. You look great!”
He blushes. “Thanks, Annie. So do you.” He looks over to the other boy. “Hey, Ven, looking good!”
Ven smiles sharply. “Thanks, Parker. Good enough to snag these two, at least.”
Eddie blushes, as does Annie, her blond hair making it more noticeable.
“So you guys are a throuple?” Wes asks.
“Got a problem with that?” Ven asks, stance defensive from where he steps in front of Annie and Eddie. Shielding them with his body.
Wade tenses, pushing Peter behind him slightly.
Wes holds up his hands in surrender. “No, man! Not at all. I was just gonna say the three of you are smoking together. I just didn’t want to assume.”
Ven relaxes, smiling again. “I like you,” he decides, nodding at Wes. Wes just nods back, like cool man, whatever. “And yeah, we are.”
Any tension there was, breaks instantly. The whole group breaks out in laughter at Ven’s admission. The big guy just smiles before pressing a kiss to Annie and Eddie’s cheeks.