Nightmares
Bucky had nightmares. They all knew it. Even Steve occasionally woke in a cold sweat and had to be cuddled back to sleep. But Rose had never once shown signs. She was their rock when their memories became too much, dragged them to the pits of hell. It was after a mission, when a piece of Rose’s terrible past had reared its ugly head, that she had her first nightmare since she’d moved in with Steve and Bucky. Unlike the two of them, she didn’t awake screaming, or attacking either of them as was usual in Bucky’s case.
Her eyes flashed open, her body dangerously still despite the minute trembling in her hands. She carefully extricated herself from their arms and slipped from the bed, moving from the room and softly shutting the door behind her. She made her way to the gym, not caring that she was only wearing a pair of Steve’s boxers, and leaned heavily against the reinforced punching bags. A tear rolled down her cheek as she thought of Marcus, of watching him fizzle and die under her hands. With a grunt, she stepped back and swung at the bag.
The more she hit, the more she remembered. She remembered Ava begging her for mercy, remembered crushing the life out of her little brother with no control. Hydra had made her do some fucked up shit when she’d been with them, and no matter how hard she tried to get over it, she never really could.
There was a voice over the buzzing in her ears, a pair of arms pulling her away from the back, blood dripping to the ground. “Babybabybaby stop!” She spun and lashed out, landing a harsh punch to Bucky’s jaw. He stumbled back, more startled than hurt, and put a hand to his cheek where she’d struck him. Her blood had streaked his cheek in a morbid tattoo, and she let a hysterical laugh crack from her chest.
“Rosie.” Steve’s voice was calm as he stepped around Bucky and slowly reached out to her. “Baby girl, stop. Calm down.” He’d gone through this enough times with Bucky. Her eyes dropped to the mat and she let out a shaky breath, reaching up to rub away tears with the back of her hand and smearing blood across her own cheek.
“Can we touch you, Rose?” Bucky asked, stepping so he was shoulder to shoulder with Steve. Rose glanced at the two of them and thought of the bugs crawling under her skin, before shaking her head. “Okay. That’s okay, but you’ve got to stop.” Bucky agreed.
“I’m not okay.” Rose’s voice trembled from her chest thinly. Bucky didn’t allow his calming face to change, though he wanted to frown.
“That’s okay, too. Can you talk to us about it?” Steve asked, glancing at the bloody punching bag behind her and pressing his nausea down.
“I don’t…I don’t think I can.” She admitted softly.
“Why?” Bucky asked, no accusation to his voice. A mere request for an explanation.
“It’s bad.” She replied, worrying her lower lip. “The things I’ve done.” Bucky smiled wryly.
“Any worse than the Winter Soldier?” He asked rhetorically. That earned a huff of laughter from Rose’s nose, though she didn’t smile.
“They made me kill them all. My family.” She blurted, looking down. She didn’t want to see the hatred in her eyes. It was silent for a few moments before someone expelled a heavy breath. Steve.
“That’s not you’re fault, doll.” Bucky replied evenly. “None of that was your fault.” He shook his head, though she wasn’t looking.
“I liked it.” She whispered, voice cracking, and squeezed her hands into fists. More blood spurted from her bruised knuckles, the pain grounding her. “They made me kill them and I was happy.” The admission left them all in tense silence. She looked up, unable to bear it any longer. “Does that make me a monster?”
“No.” Steve denied immediately, shaking his head. “It makes you human. You weren’t in control, Rose.” He assured. “They shut down every single part of you except for that part. It doesn’t mean you’re a monster, it just means they devolved you to your baser instincts. They took away your right to choose, and they made you forget your mercy. That isn’t your fault.” Steve stated wisely.
“I couldn’t remember them. I didn’t know who they were. It was just another mission, but when I got back…I remembered, and they had to wipe me again.” She admitted shakily. “And regardless whether I was under their control, I’ll still never be able to get around the fact that I killed them, the people who loved me the most. It’s my hand their blood is on.” She finished.
“It is.” Bucky nodded resolutely. “But it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. Your family loves you very much, and they forgive you. We love you very much.” Bucky capped his sentence with the admission. “The next time you feel like this, please just wake us up. Stop hurting yourself. It hurts us too.”
“Okay.” Rose whispered, lip trembling, before she launched herself at them. The two caught her, squishing her into a sandwich between them. She would still feel guilty about it, always, but at least Steve and Bucky didn’t hate her.