Not Your Bucky
Steve opened his eyes. He felt groggy, like he had slept for a year— or seventy. He didn’t bother trying to get up. His body didn’t feel ready. But why? What had happened?
There was definitely something covering most of his body up to his torso. He glanced down. A blanket. Okay, he thought, I’m in a bed of some sort. He was slightly propped up, almost in a sitting position. A hospital bed, he guessed. Now what was he doing in a hospital?
He closed his eyes for a few seconds trying to remember everything that had happened. He remembered the helicarrier. Fighting. Dropping his shield. Then the ground beneath him disappearing. He remembered falling and hitting water. He remembered that one last glimpse of his savior. A metal arm.
Bucky! Steve remembered, his eyes snapping open again. Bucky had saved him. He remembered the terrified look on the Winter Soldier’s face as he muttered, “’cause I’m with you till the end of the line.” Had Bucky remembered him? He had to know.
He had to get up now. Had to find Sam, Nat, anyone who could tell him what had happened to Bucky. He started to move his arms to prop himself up more, but he felt a weight holding down his right hand. He looked over to see a gloved hand covering his own.
He guessed it belonged to a man since it seemed to be the same size as his. Steve looked at the man’s wrist. He saw the glint of metal between the end of the sleeve and the glove. His eyes gazed up the man’s arm to his shoulder. Dark brown, almost shoulder length hair framed the man’s strong jaw. A small, tentative smile was displayed on his pink lips. And it wasn’t until Steve’s sea-blue eyes met with steel-blue ones that he let himself believe this man was really, truly sitting next to him.
Steve’s mouth opened in shock, but before he could say anything the man spoke, “Sometimes I think you like getting punched.” The gloved hand moved from Steve’s and gently touched under his right eye.
“I had him on the ropes,” Steve responded without really thinking about what he was saying.
“I know you did,” the man replied.
“Bucky,” Steve finally smiled, “I thought you left me.”
“C’mon, Punk,” Bucky returned the smile, “I thought you were smarter than that. You know I would never leave you.”
“You left for the war without me. You fell off the train without me…” Steve trailed off.
“No. Those times don’t count,” Bucky stated, “I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t leave you, I was taken from you. And I’m not going to let that happen again.”
“So,” Steve said slowly, “you remember me now?”
“Yeah,” Bucky nodded, “Mostly you. Some other things too.”
“All from the ‘40s or…”
“No,” Bucky sighed, “I remember everything I’ve done since then. Haven’t been able to sleep since I remembered you. Not that I’ve tried that hard. Had to stay here in case you woke up.”
“How long have I been out?” Steve asked.
“About four days,” Bucky estimated. Steve’s eyes opened wide in reaction. Bucky chuckled, “I really did a number on you, didn’t I?”
“You never did go easy on me, Buck,” Steve reminded him.
“Like you’d ever let me,” Bucky huffed, “You know, after seventy years, I’d have thought that suit of yours would be bullet proof.”
“It usually is,” Steve admitted, “Had to get my old one. Thought you’d be more likely to recognize me if I wore it.”
“Dammit, Punk!” Bucky chuckled, “When I asked if you were gonna keep the outfit, this isn’t what I meant!”
“Should’ve told me that before I stole it from the museum.”
“Museum? What was it doing in a museum?”
“They have a whole walk-through Captain America exhibit here in DC,” Steve gushed.
Bucky thought of a question. He quickly asked it before he regretted it, “Am I… am I in the exhibit?”
“Of course. They have a huge display complete with a few pictures and clips from the war. You were the only Howling Commando to die during the war,” tears welled up in Steve’s eyes, which Bucky promptly wiped away with his thumb.
Steve had spent plenty of lonely days in the Bucky section of the Captain America exhibit: watching the clips on repeat, reading and rereading words which he had memorized on his first visit. He had longed to have Bucky by his side since the day he woke up in the 21st century. Hell— since the second Bucky fell off the train! When he first uncovered the Winter Soldier’s identity, is when he realized what could have been. And now, with the true Bucky Barnes™ next to him, his dream could finally become a reality.
“S’pose they’ll have to change it now,” Steve sniffed.
“How come?” Bucky asked.
“Because underneath a description of your life they have 1917-1944,” The numbers represented the 27 short years which broke Steve’s heart and filled him with guilt every time he thought about it.
Silence fell between the two men. Each time Bucky went to say something he realized it wouldn’t be helpful.
“I should have caught you,” Steve finally broke the silence.
“What?”
“I should have caught you, Steve repeated, “I should have fallen off with you. If you survived I sure as hell would have. They looked for you, you know. I made them. Maybe if I had fallen too they would have looked harder. I regret not being able to save you. Even to this day.”
“No Steve,” Bucky said softly, “The only reason they didn’t find me was because Hydra found me first. And if you had been with me,”
“We would have been together,” Steve interrupted.
“No, we wouldn’t have. They would have killed you Stevie, right in front of me. I know pain, trust me. But nothing would have been as painful as watching you get killed. And even if they didn’t kill you, we wouldn’t have remembered each other. They would have brainwashed you and Hydra would’ve had two weapons to do their dirty work for them. We may have been together, but it wouldn’t have meant anything.
“No, Punk. You were right where you were supposed to be. You were there to meet me on the other side. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still have no idea who I am. You saved me Steve, just not the way you expected.”
Bucky moved over to sit on the edge of Steve’s bed. He pressed a kiss to Steve’s lips before resting their foreheads together. Steve let out a small whimper. As much as he hated to admit it, Bucky was right. This was exactly where they were supposed to be. Fate may have separated them, but it had brought them back together at just the right time.
“So. This museum, they don’t have any childhood pictures of us, right? None of your old sketches?” Bucky tried to lighten the mood.
“Like I’d ever let anyone look at those,” Steve smiled.
“Do you still have your old notebooks?” Bucky asked.
“I had left them back at base camp before I got frozen for 70 years. When I woke up, they were promptly returned to me. Peggy kept them safe all this time.”
“I wonder if she looked in them,” Bucky suggested.
“She’s too polite to have done that,” Steve paused before adding, “Besides, she already knew about us. So it wouldn’t have been too much of a shock.”
“Imagine if anyone else had looked in those notebooks,” Bucky laughed, “Who would have guessed Captain America would have had a notebook in the first place, then to open it up and see it filled with sketches of his old pal from home.”
“You’ve always been more than a pal to me, Buck,” Steve pointed out.
“Don’t worry, Punk,” Bucky nodded, “I know.”
Silence fell upon the two men again. This time it was more peaceful, and no one was in a great rush to break it.
Though it was Steve who finally spoke, “I know this probably goes without saying, but thank you for pulling me out of the river.”
“Don’t worry about it, saving you is my job,” Bucky shrugged, “Maybe when you get a new suit, it should come with a parachute attached. Nat said this wasn’t the first time you fell into water from a great height without a parachute. You’re lucky I was here to save you when something went wrong. Maybe I won’t be next time.”
“So… you met Nat?” Steve asked worriedly.
“Yeah,” Bucky nodded, “I’ve heard some very interesting stories from her. You may be 95 years old, Punk but you still seem to be getting yourself into trouble.”
“Who else have you met?” Steve tried to get the topic off of Nat and her stories.
“Sam,” said Bucky, “He said that you two go jogging together in the morning.”
“Something like that,” Steve agreed.
“I’ve met Dr. Banner. I haven’t met his green friend yet, but I want to.”
“No you don’t,” Steve assured, “Trust me.”
“I’ve met Clint. Hey, what’s with your friends and birds? Y'know Hawkeye and Falcon?” Bucky asked.
“Good question,” Steve smiled.
“Thor was here a few days ago. He didn’t stay long, though. He seemed upset. Said his brother Loki had died.”
“Oh,” said Steve. He knew Thor had cared about his brother, but he couldn’t forget his own encounter with the god of mischief in New York, “Did Thor tell you where he was from?”
“Yeah,” Bucky nodded, “Asgard. He’s a real-life Alien. How neat is that, Stevie?”
“Pretty cool,” Steve agreed, “Do you know what else is from space?” He bit his tongue, realizing talking about this with Bucky may not be the best idea.
“What?” Bucky looked too excited for Steve to not answer.
“The tesseract,” Steve said softly, trying to judge Bucky’s reaction as he spoke, “You know, that glowing blue cube where our serum came from? It belongs on Asgard, Thor took it with him when it showed up in New York a few years ago.” Steve studied Bucky’s face to see if he should have kept his mouth shut. Thankfully Bucky smiled widely, and his eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Does that mean we have something from outer space in our cells? That’s amazing.”
“So who else have you met?” Steve wanted to continue this conversation.
“I met Commander Hill and Director Fury. I had to apologize a little, but they were pretty forgiving, considering... I also met Sharon. I made sure to thank her for looking out for you while I was gone. She also seemed to know about us. You know… what we used to be to each other. She was the only one who wasn’t surprised when she found out. Did you tell her?”
“Nope,” Steve confessed, “Nat even tried to set me up with her. And that’s why I jumped out of the plane without a parachute by the way.”
“Good reason,” Bucky nodded understandingly.
“Anyone else show up?” Steve asked.
“Yeah. Tony showed up with Peter but had to leave on a mission after the first day. Peter is still hanging around here, though,” Bucky conveniently left out the part that he had been the one to send Tony out on said mission. He wanted Steve to rest a few more days without worry.
“Did Tony tell you who his dad is?”
“Yeah, Howard Stark,” Bucky nodded, realizing it was a good a time as ever to confess something, “I killed him, Steve. Howard Stark. The Winter Soldier killed him. But even though I wasn’t in control, it was still me. He recognized me. It had been almost 50 years after he thought I had died, and he still recognized me. And I remember it Stevie. I killed him in 1991 and I remember killing him so clearly.”
Steve sat there silently until Bucky quieted down, wiping his nose on the back of his glove-clad hand.
“It’s okay, Bucky,” Steve finally said softly, “I know what happened.”
“You do?” Bucky whispered.
“Yeah, I talked to Zola…” Steve knew he had misspoken as soon as he mentioned Zola. Bucky’s body tensed up.
Steve cursed under his breath for not thinking. Of course Bucky wasn’t going to react well to the mention of Zola. Not only was he the one to inject Bucky with the serum but he was the first to torture him. And who was in charge of Hydra after the disappearance of the Red Skull? Zola. Bucky had probably seen plenty of that awful man after he fell. These nightmares were not just the Winter Soldier’s they were all Bucky’s.
Bucky sat perfectly still, looking just over Steve’s shoulder. Steve reached out to rest his hand on Bucky’s cheek. He flinched at the contact even though the two men had been touching since before Steve woke up.
“Are you okay, Bucky?” Steve asked gently.
Bucky shook his head.
“May I ask why?” Steve had to get some sort of answer out of Bucky, no matter how long it took.
“Zola,” Bucky eventually whispered, “If he’s still out there, then I can become the Winter Soldier again. And if that happens...” Bucky swallows a lump in his throat before looking Steve directly in the eye, “I will finish my mission.”
“But here’s the thing, Bucky,” Steve said softly, cupping Bucky’s face, “He’s not out there anymore. He’s gone.”
“Gone?” Bucky repeated.
“Yeah,” Steve nodded, “He exploded.”
“Did you…?” Bucky started to ask.
“Hydra did it,” Steve corrected, “Trying to get me and Nat but only resulted in destroying Zola.”
“I wish I could have seen it,” Bucky was starting to smile again.
“Oh, it was beautiful, Buck,” Steve smiled widely, “Brighter than fireworks on the Fourth of July.”
“I’m safe now. I just gotta remember that,” Bucky said mostly to himself. He returned to the chair at Steve’s side.
“Well, as safe as you can be when you’re an Avenger,” Steve pointed out.
“Well I’m not gonna be an Avenger,” Bucky confessed.
“How come?” Steve looked genuinely hurt.
“I’m done fighting, Stevie,” Bucky said with a tired smile, “I’m done. I didn’t want to fight then, don’t want to fight now.”
“…says the former three-time welterweight champion,” Steve cut in, “C’mon, this isn’t the Bucky I know.”
“You’re right, it isn’t,” Bucky nodded, “The Bucky you knew was young and brave and stupid. He was whole. I’m broken now, Stevie. They broke me. The war, Hydra. They made me into something I wasn’t.
“I only used to fight for you. Kicked bullies’ butts in the alleys before they could kick yours. I fought in the war so I could return to you faster. Then Hydra made me fight for them. I wish I could undo every death I’ve caused, but I can’t. My last fight, my last mission; it wasn’t you. No, it was the Hydra conditioning. I fought through the haze to return to you. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“And what about me?” Steve asked.
“What about you?” Bucky threw back at him, “You don’t need me. You’re Captain America. You don’t need my help anymore. You never needed my help. You can kick all the butts you want without breaking a sweat. You just lacked the physical strength back in Brooklyn.”
“Captain America may not need you, but Steve Rogers does,” Steve said confidently.
“And Bucky Barnes needs you. I always have,” Bucky added, reaching out to take Steve’s hand in his gloved one once more.
“So where did you get the glove?” Steve asked, looking down at their interlaced fingers.
“Sam,” Bucky replied, “The only time I left you. I went to his place for about an hour in order to clean up. I asked to borrow the glove, so I could hold your hand comfortably.”
“Ah,” Steve nodded, “And I see you’re wearing my clothes.” He motioned to the blue sweatpants and grey under armor shirt slightly covered by a navy-blue jacket. The outfit was a little large on Bucky. Captain America had always been slightly bigger than the Winter Soldier
“Well I wasn’t going to go shopping by myself. Wearing Sam’s clothes were out of the question. I don’t trust him to go shopping for me. And besides, I think I look very nice in these,” Bucky beamed.
“As much as I love seeing you in my clothes, we can go buy you some of your own when I get out of here. When will that be, by the way?” Steve asked, shifting in the bed a little.
“Stevie, you just woke up!” Bucky laughed, “I’m the only one who knows you’re awake! Unless you want a rush of friends, doctors, nurses and security in here, you’re gonna have to wait.”
“I can do that, as long as that means I get to spend more time with you,” Steve settled down.
Bucky was about to return the sentiment when the door to Steve’s room opened. The two super soldiers looked at each other. They knew exactly who it was.
The twelve-year-old’s head popped into view. “Uncle Steve!” he exclaimed, noticing Steve was fully conscious.
Bucky and Steve were quick to shush him as he rushed over to the bedside.
Peter wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck. He let go, smiling widely, “I knew you’d wake up, Uncle Steve!”
“Was there any doubt I wouldn’t?” Steve asked, curiously looking at both Peter and Bucky.
“Well, not really. Dad mentioned something on the phone to Uncle Rhodey. Not like I believed it or anything. I was just worried,” Peter admitted.
“You don’t always have to listen to everything he says,” Steve reminded Peter, “Your dad tends to bring up unnecessary drama.”
“I know,” Peter shrugged, “I still worried.”
“Thanks for caring so much, Petey,” Steve said warmly.
“Do you want me to get everyone else?” Peter started to head back towards the door.
“Not quite yet,” Bucky said quickly, motioning for Peter to stay.
“So how’s your arm feeling, Uncle Bucky?” Peter asked, addressing the other super soldier in the room.
“Your arm?” Steve asked. Just realizing Bucky had been using mostly his left arm since he had woken up.
“Yeah,” Bucky shrugged, “You kind of broke it, remember?”
“I do,” said Steve, “Is it still broken?”
“I don’t know,” Bucky confessed, “Didn’t help that I had to carry a 240lb super soldier to the hospital. It doesn’t really hurt anymore, but it doesn’t feel normal yet either.”
“You’ve spent the last four days in a hospital, Buck. Didn’t you get anyone to look at it?” Steve asked, slightly worried.
“Yeah, right,” Bucky scoffed, “the last time doctors touched my arm when it was injured I ended up with this,” He pulled up his left sleeve to show off his metal arm,
“At least my right arm will heal. If I damage my left arm I have no one to fix it now that I have escaped Hydra.”
“Well my dad could probably fix it,” Peter shrugged.
Bucky raised his eyebrows at Peter.
“No, really,” the boy insisted, “He built his first iron man suit while trapped in Afghanistan by terrorists.”
“Wow,” Bucky was impressed, “Last time I was in the Middle East, the most productive thing I did was shoot Nat.”
Peter’s eyes grew wide, but Steve shook his head lightly, so the kid dropped it.
“Tony is really good with this tech stuff, trust me,” Steve said.
“Well I don’t want my arm to end up like Howard’s flying car, so I’ll say no,” Bucky answered.
“Just think about it,” Steve suggested, “If anything happens to that arm, you may not care who looks at it. Tony could probably make you a new one that’s even better than what Hydra gave you in the 40s.”
Peter was about to speak but was immediately distracted by a noise his phone made.
Steve rolled his eyes, familiar with the kid’s generation and their cell phones, “Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Peter smiled, looking up, “Dad just came back from the mission. He says he would like to speak to you, Uncle Bucky.”
“Alright, kid. You go out to see your dad, I’ll be right behind you,” Bucky smiled, patting Peter’s shoulder.
Peter left the room, but not without sending one last smile his Uncle Steve’s way.
Bucky got up and sat on the edge of Steve’s bed one last time, “Will you be okay without me for a few minutes?”
“I’ve been without you for seventy years, I think I can manage,” Steve said.
“Okay, punk. I’ll be back soon,” Bucky wrapped Steve in both his flesh and metal arms to hold him close.
“I missed hugging you,” Steve whispered softly.
“This feels exactly like it did when we were kids in Brooklyn,” Bucky spoke into Steve’s shoulder.
“I was a lot smaller then,” Steve chuckled.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what does it feel like, Buck?”
“It feels like home.”