Ending Bits

Loki keeps a knife in the bedstand drawer. Kept.

Now, it sits heavy in Steve's pocket, neat and folded and so small, like it's no threat at all. Like Steve is over-reacting, to get it out of the drawer and bring it with him.

(Loki was so listless.)

He feels half-smothered, like a storm approaching and turning the air too thick, too wet for human lungs to breathe.

The storm is already past--it did when he lost his temper and he's left standing in the wake, trying to breathe through the guilt.

(Loki was so listless.)

He wishes apologies could be enough.

(Maybe he should go.)

Xxx

Thor doesn't say anything; it makes it so much worse. Thor barely acknowledges him, and Steve wonders if maybe he's the self-destructive one--how he wants to tell Thor what has happened is so far from self-preservation.

Steve tells himself Thor isn't talking about it because they're not alone, and Loki needs to stay out of SHIELD's hands. He's protecting Loki, being the older brother he always has tried to be.

(Thor's fury might feel like absolution; Steve hates himself for the thought; as if any one but Loki could give it to him now and it mean anything.)

Xxx

Olek doesn't call, and Steve tries to take it as a good sign.

Xxx

"You okay?" Clint asks later, when they're both tired and dirty from trying to help with the cleanup. "Is Luke?"

"No," Steve says. "His ribs are broken, some other injuries."

Clint winces.

"He'll pull through."

"Yeah," Steve says. The knife he's been trying to ignore is still a heavy weight.

Loki will pull through, and how little Steve has done to make sure of that. As if Loki won't manage to find another knife if he's determined.

(Loki was so listless--and what cold comfort that is.)

"You need anything, let me know," Clint says.

It's too much kindness; Steve doesn't deserve it. Clint should be furious with him, would be if he knew everything. Would likely be glad of what's happened.

"I need to go," Steve says thickly, and leaves before Clint can reply.

Xxx

(It's what you wanted, isn't it?)

He dry retches in a back alley; he doesn't know for how long. He's going to be late to meeting Olek, but he doesn't care. The words keep repeating, the widen of Loki's eyes, the devastation--

(Later Loki breathes, exhausted, still. Later.)

--and Steve comes up for air. He sucks down lungful a at a time, tasting the still settling dust on the air, the distant smoke of fires long put out. The air is hot and still and oppressive; it'll be days before the smell of smoke leaves if it doesn't rain.

He rests his head against his forearm for a moment, then stands back, shoving a hand through his hair. He checks the time--late, of course he's going to be late.

Olek hasn't tried to call or text, though, and if Steve hurries it won't be too bad. Maybe he isn't the only one running late.

Xxx

Olek isn't at the restaurant, but the to-go order is ready. Steve hesitates, waits a few minutes just in case, and double checks his phone. Nothing. When he calls Olek instead, there's no answer.

Steve's stomach knots.

(Everything is fine. No one's called. Everything is fine.)

He pays for the food and carries it out. He'll stop by the apartment, Olek is probably there. Lethe probably couldn't stop by, or Loki doesn't want him to leave. Natasha certainly couldn't get away right now to keep an eye on Loki, stuck in medical for now. Olek just forgot to let him know, left his phone on silent.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Just as he gets back and is unlocking the door, his phone rings. Steve shuffles everything around, answering just before it stops ringing--Lethe.

"Hi, Lethe. I'm just getting back," Steve says by way of answer.

Everything is fine; if she were here, she'd have heard him unlocking the door. She's calling to say she's running late, or maybe Loki wanted to get out of the apartment for a bit.

(He remembers how sickly pale and pained Loki was after moving; maybe not.)

"Hi, Steve. I, um. I had to bring Loki back to the hospital."

Steve's mouth goes dry.

"Hes not dying or anything, but I left his wallet and need his insurance information?" Lethe pauses, adds awkwardly, "I thought you might know it."

Xxx

"I don't know what's going on," Lethe says, "but Janelle thinks it might be best if you stay out here for now." She worries at her lower lip as she looks up at him, but she's not hunching in and her stance is firm.

Steve can't bring himself to smile, but he does nod.

"I can do that."

"Thank you," Lethe says. "For, you know. Bringing this. Listening. We left in a bit of a hurry."

Steve doesn't need to ask why, not if Janelle's involved.

"How is he?" he asks instead.

"Alive, not bleeding all over everything. I cleaned him up, some, but those sheets are probably ruined. Sorry." Lethe takes a steadying breath, swallows and looks away from Steve. "Sorry. I didn't know-- As soon as Janelle thinks him having other visitors is okay, I'll tell you."

"Thank you," Steve says. "I'm glad you were there."

Lethe gives a right nod before turning to go. She stops, glancing over her shoulder.

"Olek is probably going to be on his way; he didn't answer his phone, but I left him a message. Let him know, will you?"

"Of course," Steve says.

He sits down in a waiting chair after she leaves, watches people go by.

As soon as Janelle thinks him having other visitors is okay--

He puts his face in his, hands, squeezes his eyes shut, and breathes out.

"Fuck."

Xxx

[[olek and steve fighting; olek taking steve to task about everything; he’s spitting angry about what steve said to loki, and steve gets to find out what loki heard vs what he was he was trying to say]]

[[hospital room, loki’s sedated. turns out that lethe has power of attorney, and has had for a while. she tells them she agrees with janelle that loki should be admitted to a ward for a little while

lethe making it clear neither of them are getting more or less of a say--she’s in pretty protective mode, and really suspicious from coming in on olek angry with steve]]

[[steve going home with absolutely no idea what to do; janelle stopping him before he can leave and asking if he needs anything (like a therapIST, CHRIST BOY)]]

--this is steve’s wake up call that his temper is, in fact, still a problem and that’s he’s really really bad at reading/understanding loki, too reactionary/overprotective where loki is concerned.

chapter 33 - steve being more subdued; visiting loki at ward and apologizing during one of loki’s more coherent moments.

lethe asking steve why the hell he’s so upset/why olek was upset with him. steve admitting it to her and lethe’s mouth tightening, but not nodding

going straight from there and ending on him walking into a therapist’s office.

chapter 34 - loki pov, what the hell he’s going through and slowly starting to get a bit more of a feel for things again. janelle sessions? also seeing lethe. lethe is really going to carry him through this by presence

It starts with Thor.

(It started before that, sick and empty ache in his chest--it’s what you wanted, isn’t it?--that won’t stop echoing.)

“What did you say to him?” Thor asks. Steve glances over, stomach dropping; he doesn’t need to ask who Thor is talking about.

"When?" Steve asks instead.

"I saw him tell you to get out--heard it, actually. I..." Thor trails off and looks away. "I knew him, once, and that reaction is not one he often has so extremely. I thought I might be able to help, if you told me what you had said to evoke it."

Steve tries not to stare--of course Thor doesn't know what Steve said. He's almost relieved.

"Pay me no mind," Thor says, interrupting Steve's thoughts with a forced smile. "You surely must know him better than I by now."

Half smothered under guilt, Steve wonders if he actually does.

"Now come on," Steve says, pushing the thought away. "Any help would be appreciated, and you grew up with him long before I came along." He hesitates--he should tell Thor everything, knows he should, but-- "I had told him to be more careful. I was trying to be light about it, and it just..."

"Escalated," Thor says helpfully, and Steve nods.

He should tell Thor everything.

"He does that when he thinks himself weak," Thor says. Steve listens to Thor and pretends that that was all he said to Loki for a while.

(He doesn't feel less guilty.)

XXX

He goes to meet Olek to pick up food to take back to the apartment--Indian, one of Loki's favourites. Like it will make things better, but he doesn't know what else to do without pushing and there's only so many ways he can apologize.

(Loki was so listless when he left--not just because of pain, either.)

Olek is thin lipped when Steve meets him, little more than a short, "Steve" in greeting.