“We want the same thing,” Erik had said all of those years ago. Charles was struggling to look into his eyes, the sun behind him, blinding. He was breathing heavily, searching for something, anything in Erik’s face that would change his mind. Too much was out of reach.
“My friend, we do not.”
-x-
“We are the same you and I.” Erik had said softly for the first time so many years ago. Back when they were young and opinions where unimportant. “There is no one who understands me like you,” he had whispered gently. And Charles did understand him. Not just because he could hear his thoughts, his desires, echoing in his mind. But because they were indeed the same. Two sides of the same coin. Fates hopelessly intertwined. And in that moment, differences didn’t matter.
-x-
“We are the same you and I,” Erik had said over a chess board one day. The summer was beginning to turn to fall and families had been enjoying the last few warm days in the park. No one had paid any mind to the wheelchair bound man sitting across from the metal bender in a ridiculous helmet. They didn’t register their existence.
Charles had pondered this as he moved his piece. It was a different statement from that that he spoke on the beach. They didn’t want the same things. They certainly didn’t go about achieving what they wanted in the same way. But Charles couldn’t ignore their similarities apart from that. Perhaps they were the same in nature, but different in nurture. They had been brought up differently, however they both had been exposed to the cruelty of men at an early age. Erik’s abuse and hardship was on a whole different plane than Charles’ of course, but they both had reactions to what had been done to them that Charles could analyze from a similar perspective. Where Charles learned to survive by using his gift in secret, lest his stepbrother find out or his stepfather retaliate, Erik had been encouraged to perform. He was forced to use his power and push himself to test the extent of his abilities. Charles learned to hide, using his power only when he deemed it harmless or necessary, Erik learned to use his before it was used against him. He used them to survive. It was evident how these learned traits manifested in adulthood, and how they grated against each other when push came to shove.
“To an extent,” Charles had conceded not looking up from the board. Both men had been burdened tremendously just on account of something they were born with. Their lives would look very different without their mutations but it was hard to say if they would have suffered more or less in those formative years. Even after he suffered enough on account of his abilities, Charles suspected that somewhere along the way, Erik embraced them. As he grew to depend on them, fear turned to necessity, turned to acceptance, turned to fulfillment. Perhaps he even stumbled upon joy in them. Charles journey was a bit more rocky in that regard. “But our similarities only go so far,” Charles added.
-x-
It started with fear. Maybe it did for everyone. But Charles held on to his fear into adulthood. At first it was fear of something being wrong with him. Then he had been afraid of being discovered. Then he was afraid of retaliation. After his stepfather, Charles began to be afraid of himself.
There had been a time when Charles tried to conquer his fears. He exercised controlled use of his telepathy for trivial things like picking someone up at a bar. Or covering for himself or Raven if they slipped. His fears began to recede. Charles had even become confident by the time he got involved with the CIA.
That confidence broke on the beach. The fear began to seep back into his brain like an embrace after that. Charles pretended for the others, but once they were gone, there wasn’t anyone to pretend for. Charles succumbed to the fear. Charles hated his powers. They made people afraid. They thought he would control them. It was funny really, that they thought he had control. His powers told him secrets he didn’t want to know. They pushed away the people he loved. And Hank gave him a way out. The illusion of control that Charles so desperately wanted.
Eventually the illusion was shattered and everyone around him had to pick up the pieces.
-x-
“We are the same, Charles.” This time Erik growled it at him. Erik appeared to have been part of the rescue party. Charles absently wondered if this should suprise him. “I see it in your eyes,” he continued. “I’ve always seen it and yet you’ve always held back. Too afraid of what others might do, when they realize that you aren’t just a quaint little professor.”
There was some truth in Erik’s biting words. He had indeed been afraid. However he wasn’t afraid of what others might do, he was afraid of what he might do. Charles found that he wasn’t opposed to hurting this man in front of him. Part of him even believed he deserved it. The man before them both had committed heinous crimes against Charles and his people. But Charles was supposed to be the better man. He kept himself in check. He set rules and stuck to them unwaveringly lest he get out of hand. But the temptation to let himself go, just this one time, was there and he couldn’t deny it. But what would come after that? He knew how easy it would be to take control, or perhaps lose it. And as bad as this man was, he knew there were plenty more out there just like him. Could Charles stop at one man? “You know he won’t stop.” Erik’s stone gaze held on to Charles. He knew he was right. But he couldn’t bring himself to end it. So Charles again, took the coward’s way. He turned away to catch up to the others, leaving Erik to deal with the unconscious man that had made Charles’ and many other mutants' life a living hell for who knows how many days.
Charles had grown almost comfortable with allowing Erik to be the bad guy. He never shied away from doing what Charles wouldn’t. When he reunited with his team, they asked what happened to Erik. Charles just responded by saying he had his own agenda. They could think what they wanted, but this time, Charles had left Erik.
Perhaps it had in part been Charles fault. Erik became brutally relentless. Maybe Charles stopped prioritizing putting a stop to Magneto. It shouldn’t have been a surprise when Erik went too far.
-x-
“We are the same,” he spoke quietly. “We always have been. You said it yourself. I wasn’t always sure of that.” Having his words thrown back at him though, Erik didn’t look affirmed. In fact, Erik was having a hard time with looking anything at the moment. His fire was gone along with his will. Charles felt sick. He knew now what he was capable of. At the time he felt there had been no other way. He didn’t know how much of that was true but he did know that Magneto had to be stopped. And Charles could do that. He could stop him. And so he did.
Charles’ vision was starting to go fuzzy. Magneto’s helmet lay cracked and forgotten on the floor. Charles was sure others had been here but all he could see was Erik. “What did you do to me?” Erik rasped, trying to hold himself up, shaking on the ground. But even Charles wasn’t sure what he had done. He had finally gone too far. He had broken into Magneto’s mind, grabbed hold of his rage, and just pulled. Erik fell to the ground, and Charles was left reeling.
“My friend, I am sorry.” And as Erik’s strength gave out, Charles’ vision went dark.