Kate had no idea how long she’d been laying in her bed.
Hours? Days? Weeks?
She had lost track of time what seemed like a long time ago.
A few hints of orange strays of life through the curtains told her it was sunset. Or maybe it was sunrise?
She rolled around in her bed, feeling how heavy her body seemed to be, contrasting with the utter emptiness that drowned her. She pulled a pillow on top of her head when she heard a sad sigh coming from the dog laying next to the bed on the floor.
She hoped he still had some food in his bowl. She always forgot to fill it up, Yelena usually being the one who remembered. But Yelena was away on an assignment at the moment and Pizza Dog was on his own.
Kate tried to recall the last time she ate or bathed herself but her mind came up blank. It seemed like her brain was against her, only focusing on the events of that night on a loop. Replaying every move she made, every hit she got and how different it would’ve been if she hadn’t done what she did.
It had been an accident but it didn’t mean she deserved forgiveness.
So she closed her eyes again and tried to force herself into a slumber that wouldn’t offer any more rest. She took a breath, pushing away the look of shock from her assailant's face that she couldn't stop seeing under her eyelids and attempted to concentrate on better things.
The last thought she had before falling asleep was an intricate blonde braid and a woodsy scent that still remained on the pillows of the couch downstairs.
She woke up when she heard a sound downstairs. It was so dark in the room that Kate couldn't distinguish anything for a few seconds. She blinked the sleep away and exhaled when she saw that the golden retriever was no longer in her room.
She hadn’t walked him in a while, he probably just had a burst of energy while playing with his toys downstairs. Kate sighed, not knowing if she was going to fall back asleep. She didn’t look at the time but it couldn’t have been more than a few hours of sleep.
Alone.
She was so alone.
She stared at the wall as the trophies and medals on the wall became more visible with every minute. She stared at the things she had spent her whole life fighting for, under the premise of being a hero when this would all be over. Being a good person.
“Matt? Matt? Yo, Matt?”
“Let’s go, she’ll actually kill us all if we stay!”
“But Boss said–”
“Who cares? I’m not dying for this shit.”
The exchange followed three pairs of footsteps that Kate could still hear so well echoing in her head as they ran away from her.
It wouldn’t be long until they retaliated, though. Bringing more guys than last time since she was now a–
It didn’t matter.
It would be a miracle if she ever got out of her apartment again. Maybe they’d find out where she lived, go up the stairs, go down the hallway, not bother to knock and enter her room.
Her back is facing the doorway, she’d be so vulnerable and they could easily kill her after telling her something like,
“Kate Bishop.”
Her heart skipped a beat.
That wasn’t the voice of one of the men trying to hurt her. Quite the opposite. Her own name was followed by a more worried intonation.
“Kate, hey. Are you okay?”
The voice was too soft, too delicate. She’d recognize it anywhere. Kate didn’t deserve it at the moment.
She felt the bed dip and she wanted to turn around and see Yelena with her own two eyes but it seemed like she was frozen in place, her brain unable to command orders to her body anymore. She could only stare at the wall while she felt a delicate hand touch her arm.
“Are you hurt?”
A tear fell down, burning her cheek as hands lifted her arm, her shirt to see her back. She laid there motionless until Yelena stopped, probably figuring the blood that was now dry on her wasn’t hers.
Kate heard a sigh and Yelena was suddenly gone. The archer couldn’t blame her; she wouldn’t want to deal with this either. Yelena had certainly not come here to take care of whatever was happening to her. The woman had told her she was leaving for about a month for an assignment, had she come back sooner only to be met with this? Certainly not.
She hid her face in her pillow, almost hoping she could suffocate herself with it when Yelena suddenly walked back in the room. She gently took Kate’s shoulder so she could lay on her back and the latter finally saw the face of the person holding her above surface through it all.
Her hair was down, a little longer than the last time Kate had seen her. But everything about her was so familiar that the simple sight of the green eyes made her breathe properly again.
Yelena’s lips were curled up, an all too gentle look on her face from someone that probably came back from a mission where she had to hurt people.
“Hey маленький ястреб ( little hawk ), let me just wash this off, yeah?” she asked and started rubbing a wet towel on Kate’s right arm. She flinched at first and Yelena hummed, slowing down her movements to make sure she didn’t hurt her.
Kate could only stare at her. Her mouth was so dry from having no liquid in so long and her throat seemed tight, like she couldn’t remember how to talk. Yelena focused on the task at hand, moving to her other arm when she was done and then her neck.
When she got to Kate’s face, she smiled warmly and put away a few strands of hair so they wouldn’t be in the way. Yelena’s face was so close to her own, she could feel the hot breath on her cheek. She wiped her forehead so carefully, Kate felt like a broken bottle that could break at any moment.
“Better?” Yelena said, pulling away when she was done. Kate did feel more fresh than before so she nodded. Yelena brightened at the answer. “Good. Now you go in the shower. I will make food.”
She wanted to say thank you or that she wasn’t hungry or that she simply didn’t have the energy to shower but under Yelena’s pointed stare and the knot in her throat, all she could do was nod again and rely on the other woman’s strength to help her sit up.
She felt how sweaty her back was and figured cleaning up wasn’t that crazy of an idea. Yelena got her up and Kate worried for a second that her legs would give in as soon as she stood up but she didn’t. And the smile that Yelena gave her when she stayed up was enough to make her walk the remaining steps to the bathroom.
Yelena only let her go when the shower was all ready and all was left was for Kate to get under it. The blonde put a finger under her chin to make her look at her.
“I will be downstairs. If you need me, call for me.”
The archer gave her a curt nod once more and Yelena caressed a finger on her cheek while making deep eye contact with her and Kate felt light headed at the touch. Yelena left the room and the woman stood there for a full minute while the water was running before beginning to take her clothes off.
She looked in the mirror, wondering who the person looking back was. She had a split lip and a small cut on her eyebrow but they looked relatively clean and Kate realized Yelena had wiped all the blood from her before Kate had the chance to see it for herself. There were a few bruises on her stomach and upper body but nothing she couldn’t handle.
The hourglass pendant of her necklace was reflecting the light and she rubbed it with her index and thumb before looking away from the mirror.
She got in the shower, her brain on automatic as she let the water wash away the dirt and sweat from her small depression chamber. She didn’t wash her hair, not having the energy for it but the smell of lavender on her body after the shower gave her another pep of energy.
When she came back to her room, new sheets were on the bed and purple sweatpants were folded on top of a matching sweater. The apartment was lit by what seemed like every single lamp in the place and music was playing downstairs.
It seemed so much more lively than it was less than an hour ago.
She got dressed, regaining some energy to move around more easily and made her way down the hall. She could see Yelena in the kitchen surrounded by garlands that they still hadn’t taken down from their Christmas in August celebration a few months ago. There were still three socks hung up somewhere under Christmas lights.
Lucky was eating from his dog bowl fervently and Kate felt a pang to her chest at the sight. It didn’t last long because Yelena sensed her and turned around.
“Ah Kate Bishop! Perfect time. Sit, sit.”
“Yelena, I-” she said, muttering her first words in days. Her voice sounded rough and it hurt to talk.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Yelena waved a hand, cutting her off. “Eat first. Talk after. That’s what my daddy always said. Even though he is always speaking.”
A bowl of soup was put in front of her and Yelena sat down, giving her a spoon and taking one for her.
She had more than one set of cutlery now.
She wasn’t one person anymore.
She glanced at Yelena who was already fixated on her own bowl, she had a fading black eye and blue marks around her neck and Kate felt so stupid. What did she do to deserve to complain when Yelena had just come back from an almost death? How selfish was she to focus on her own problems when Yelena had gone through a world of pain that Kate didn’t even know about?
This woman who had done such terrible things but was so good to Kate right now. Making her bed, cleaning her up, making her soup. She didn’t deserve any of this.
When the very thing that brought Kate to shreds was something Yelena had done hundreds of times?
She let the spoon fall down with a loud sound, feeling like she could throw up any seconds. She wasn’t a good person. She wasn’t someone that had the right to be taken care of. Not when she was a–
“Are you okay, маленький ястреб?”
Kate tried to answer but all that came out was a broken whimper. She let her head fall into the palms of her hands and shook her head.
“Okay, we eat later then. Come on, let’s go to the couch.”
Kate felt herself standing up under Yelena’s arms and even though the other woman was smaller, Kate leaned on her as she let herself be led to the couch blindly. She was still covering her face with her hands when she sat back down, a blanket on her in an instant and the weight of Lucky’s head on her thigh.
A sob burst through her throat and hot tears fell from her eyes and Yelena took her in. She pressed her forehead to the crook of the blonde’s neck and the latter rubbed her back as it shook with each cry. Everything that had been stuck inside of her for the past days came out like a big wave out of her that she couldn’t control.
They sat like this for several minutes before Kate calmed down, her cheeks flaming from embarrassment as she came back to her senses. She pulled away, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hands.
“I’m sorry. This is so– God, I wish you didn’t see me like this. You’re supposed to be in Lithuania, you shouldn’t have come back early. I’m so sorry, it’s just been so hard and it's so embarrassing. Fuck, Yelena. I’m so–”
“Kate,” Yelena’s voice interrupted her firmly. “A, you have nothing to say sorry about and B, I didn’t come back early, it’s been a month, маленький ястреб. The mission is done.”
Kate’s eyebrows frowned in confusion. A month had passed? She looked at the little screen displaying the date. It meant she had been in this state for a week? She had spent 7 days barely getting out of bed and only eating some chips she had stashed in her room?
A week since she had given people any sign of life. She had a brief thought for Peter who was probably wondering where she was. Or Clint with whom she talked every Friday. It was Saturday now. Was he worried for her?
A week since it happened.
“Oh,” Kate said, all of her thoughts tumbling in her brain. “Can I– Where’s my–”
Yelena handed it to her. “While you were in the shower, I told your friends you were okay. I hope it’s fine.”
She nodded absently. Indeed, after a string of texts from Peter asking her where she was and if she was okay, there was an answer from Yelena that told him she was with Kate and she was taking care of her. There were a few missed calls from Clint who had also texted her once to make sure everything was okay and there was the same message at the end from the blonde.
“Kate, what happened? You’re always texting. Even I was wondering why I had no texts from you.”
Kate swallowed thickly. Yelena was not the best at remembering to text her back but she could still find two texts from her in her inbox, one from 5 days ago and one from yesterday, asking her if she was okay and telling her she was coming back today.
“I don’t–” her voice cracked and she looked down, playing with her hands. She could feel her eyes all puffy and she hated that the other woman had to see her like this. “You shouldn’t be here.”
She missed the hurt on Yelena’s face but could clearly hear it in her voice. “Well. You are currently sitting on my bed but I can find somewhere else to sleep tonight if you don’t want me.”
Kate took Yelena’s soft hand, caressing the back of it. “No, that’s not what I meant,” she sighed and took a breath. “I just– Something happened.”
Yelena looked at her, the concern in her green eyes overwhelming Kate. “What happened? Do I need to kill someone?”
The archer winced, her stomach dropping. She dropped Yelena’s hand at the words and retrieved back into herself, tucking her knees to her chest. The blonde must have noticed it was the wrong thing to say because she scooched even closer, their feet touching under the blanket. She had a serious look on her face.
“Tell me.”
Kate waited a beat and suddenly, words were flowing out of her mouth.
“A couple days ago, I was walking home after helping this super nice old lady and a few blocks down I got– I got cornered. There were four guys that appeared out of nowhere and they said I would pay for what happened with Fisk last time,” she began, eyes getting blurry as she remembered the events. “They were all surrounding me and then, they all jumped on me. I fought back but there were four guys and I was one so they got the upper hand quickly. Then–” she stopped herself, needing a moment to get through the next part.
Yelena waited patiently, keeping her eyes on her until she started speaking again.
“Then, I remembered I had Clint’s collapsible bow and I was on the ground and shot straight up and– um, I- I shot the arrow and it–” she stuttered and looked away from the blonde, unable to look at her while she said the words. “It went right through his–heart. And he– you know, instantly. And I didn’t realize right away and threatened them and they all looked so– like I was… I was a…”
“A monster?” Yelena finished for her. Kate looked up at her and nodded, feeling her heart burst at the sight of the woman in front of her. Yelena had tears in her eyes, her jaw clenched as she tried to not let the emotions show but she was failing. Kate could see through the cracks better than anyone.
“Yeah,” the archer breathed out.
“What happened after?”
“I… I saw him on the ground and I started freaking out so I took out the arrow and tried to put pressure on it but he was– it was too late. I’m- I’m a mons–”
Yelena shook her head, so close to Kate now that her legs were practically on hers. She took her hand to intertwine their fingers. “You are everything but a monster, Kate Bishop. You are reckless and distracted and you talk way too much and you’re– how do you say, you’re impulsive all the time–”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“But you are good,” Yelena continued like Kate never spoke. “You are so good. You risked your life for a dog, you stood by Clint when he didn’t deserve it,” she lifted a hand when Kate tried to speak. “You help Peter study for his school, you call your mother once a month even though you don’t want to and you– you gave me a home to come back to and you don’t ask questions when I have a nightmare and you buy hot sauce for me even though you do not like it.”
Kate stayed speechless, not knowing what to say at this moment. Yelena smiled with her eyes and rubbed the back of her hand with her thumb.
“You are so many things, Kate Bishop. But a monster is not one of them and it will never be. Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things.”
“I killed him,” Kate said, choking up as the words became even more real than before.
“в пизду его ( fuck him ), he was no good. A man working for Fisk? I prefer he is dead than you. Because I swear, if you ever come back dead to me, I will kill you myself.”
Kate let out a breathy chuckle, Yelena’s lips quirking up at it and she squeezed her hand. They stayed like this for a moment, Lucky snoring next to them and finally, Kate sighed.
“I don’t know how to forgive myself.”
She was expecting Yelena to say something like “ give it time ” or some kind of advice, anything that would magically make it all better. Instead, there was another silence until Yelena shrugged sadly.
“I don’t know either.”
There was nothing else to say, an understanding far deeper than they were ready for flowing between them. Yelena brought them their soup and they ate them, spoons clinking against the bowls and music playing in the background.
They sat on the couch for a long time, Yelena eventually putting on one of Kate’s comfort shows on Netflix and they watched it without talking. It made the archer feel better than she had in days.
When Yelena yawned for the ninth time and proposed to get some sleep, Kate’s heart sped up, unable to bear the thought of laying down on her bed alone. Without thinking, she grabbed Yelena’s hand that was reaching for her pillow that had fallen on the floor.
“Come up with me?” she asked, not even bothering to hide the vulnerability in her voice. Yelena swallowed and nodded softly, following her to her room.
Yelena didn’t have many clothes so it wasn’t rare for Kate to see the woman wearing the clothes and yet she couldn’t get used to it. She couldn’t stop the hitch in her breath when she saw Yelena in a t-shirt slightly too big for her, making herself a place in the bed.
They both laid there without moving for a beat, unsure about this new development. All she knew was that the woman coming here couldn’t have meant more to her. She didn’t feel so alone anymore, Yelena’s comforting and strong presence right next to her as their arms laid inches apart.
She rolled on her side, sweeping her damp hair over her shoulder. “Can you… I want to know.”
It was vague but somehow Yelena understood, rolled to face her and started speaking.
The blonde talked for what seemed like hours. She started with Ohio, her eyes sparkling as she talked about Natasha and fireflies and then darkening when she described the Red Room. She explained what she did there for 21 years, what they made her do, what she trained for; how they treated the girls that were too hurt to go on and how Yelena could spend days fighting through broken ribs or cuts too deep so they wouldn’t kill her.
She talked about the chemical subjugation and the way it felt when the red dust hit her and she suddenly became in control of herself. How alone she felt with all that blood on her hands. She has a sad smile on her face when she talks about taking down the Red Room with Natasha, how they worked together to save the remaining Widows.
She even spoke about the Blip, coming out of that bathroom after losing five years of her life, finding out Natasha was gone.
“There are still so many to save. It's hard finding them. It’s hard seeing them wake. But it’s so worth it.”
“That’s what you do? When you leave for some time? You help them get rid of their mind control?”
Yelena nodded and Kate squeezed the hand that she didn't even remember taking whilst the blonde spoke.
“Yelena, that’s… that’s amazing. You’re a hero.”
The woman flinched. “I am not.”
“Yes, you are,” Kate argued, frowning. “You’ve saved so many people. You offer them a place to stay, a place to get back on their feet. You–”
“I’ve done terrible things, Kate Bishop. I have hurt and killed many men, even took pleasure in it. One good thing does not erase it.”
“We do what we have to do to survive, right? You’re the one that told me that.”
It took a while before Yelena answered. “It’s different.”
“How.”
“It just is.”
“Well, I don’t think it is,” Kate stated firmly, trying to figure out what Yelena’s stare meant.
“We should sleep,” the blonde offered instead of an answer and she seemed so tired, Kate didn’t want to push her luck.
She knew what had happened was big. Clint had once told her gaining a Black Widow’s trust was hard but the most rewarding thing he had ever done in his life. Yelena trusted Kate and she knew it was no small thing.
The archer was as important to Kate as Yelena was to her.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, маленький ястреб.”
Something had shifted between them and they could both feel it; their relationship getting to a far deeper level than they could’ve ever imagined that night during the Christmas party, fighting for Clint’s life.
Kate felt her eyelids close with a weight lifted off her shoulder and her mind finally shut off of the things that happened to her a week ago.
And Yelena’s leg touching hers.