Steve missed being small sometimes. He did not miss the sickness that came with it, never had been more happy than when he realized that he could go outside in weather that was under sixty five degrees and come back inside without any illness. Steve also did not miss coughs that made his throat raw to the point he couldn't speak. He didn't miss allergies that made his nose stuffy and runny, that made so much pressure in his head everytime he would so much as blink. He didn't miss Bucky having to grab him by the shirt to move him enough so he was leaning over the the bed and into a trash bin held up close to his face so he didn't vomit all over the bed. That had happened a few times. He especially did not miss being manhandled out of his clothes and into a freezing shower because he had such a high fever that he was delirious - sounding like he was drunk - and probably in need of going to the hospital. Even if he never exactly remembers the fevers, they were always the worst.
Steve is very thankful for his body now versus then. He was very relieved that he didn't have to worry about dying every time he did something because he was too sick. He only had to worry about occasional threats now because that came with being an Avenger. He really had the best life he could right now, this was more than that skinny, broke kid from Brooklyn could ask for. He got lucky getting to wake up in this century and have it okay out the way it did. So he didn't even know what to call it when he got Bucky back.
Bucky was not the same, he hadn't expected him to be after all he's been through. Seventy years of just being in the ice changed him and he hadn't even known he was in there. He couldn't imagine what seventy years of torture could do to a twenty-four year old who had never left the area he was born in. It had to have destroyed Bucky. So, Steve didn't push too hard.
Steve let Bucky move at his own pace but also didn't allow him to get so low that he would be half way to being the asset again. Bucky seemed to be getting better after just a year, not back to how he was before but Steve didn't exactly know if that was the "better" Bucky was going for. He hoped not, he'd tried to make it very clear that trying to go back would only hurt everyone he was trying to do it for, they all wanted Bucky to be free of the burden of his pasts. Hydra and trying to live up to the man he use to be.
Then, after almost two long years, Bucky had finally said it. He doesn't even remember what they were doing other than that they bad been sitting on the couch bickering. Then, Bucky got the biggest wonder-filled eyes Steve had ever seen and the words just slipped passed his lips, "You're a pain, but I still love you."
Steve had squeaked. He thinks he tried to say "you too" but his throat wasn't working. He hadn't realized how long he had been waiting to hear those words again. He was reminded of before the war when they were still young and didn't know what love meant. All they knew is that they had been getting to the age where it would be seen as inappropriate if they shared a bed when they slept at one another's houses. They still had. Bucky had been a real cuddler, and a blanket hog, and a bed hog.
Steve remembers when they were fifteen and sixteen, sharing a bed and waking up with Steve hanging off the side. He had been complaining of that exact thing to Bucky, accusing him of being a bed hog too. Bucky had pulled Steve to lay on his stomach, eyes still closed and mumbled, "It's cause I love you."
He thinks his reaction had been the same the first time Bucky said "I love you" after Hydra. He squeaked and was left speechless.
However, this time - after Hydra - there was no cuddling involved and Steve wasn't sure how Bucky meant it. He wasn't sure if Bucky just had strong feelings for a friend and naturally wanted to tell him, or if he was actually feeling more-than-friend-love. Either way, Steve loved him right back.
-
After Bucky told Steve that he loved him for the first time, a flood gate broke and Bucky was reminding him every opportunity he got that he loved Steve. At this point, Steve had little doubt that it was platonic love but he could never bring himself to ask. He would always tell the same back to Bucky, calm the butterflies in his stomach and that would be that. And there would also be that uncontrollable smile for the rest of the day.
However, Steve felt guilty, he wanted a reminder every now and then that he was a good friend, boyfriend, lover or whatever they were. He didn't care about labels or confusing feelings, he needed to know that bucky still loved him, weather platonicly or romanticly. He just wanted the physical reassurance of Bucky's arms around him. And that was the worst part, him wanting to seek out the physical aspects of their relationship, Bucky was so bad with contact after Hydra. He would flinch a lot still of Steve moved too fast when they were sitting in the couch. He would touch unnecessarily. He wasn't cuddly or touchy feely the way he ad been before the war. And honestly, Steve was selfishly begging for that part of him to come back.
He was remembered times before the war, when they would share a bed. Everything would be soft and innocent. It was just the two of them, teenagers, sharing a bed in search of a physical bond as strong as the one of their friendship. But the two had been tied together, being close like that made their friendship feel close, more intimate.
He was looking for that contact, his body begging for touch. Anything would be fine, even if Bucky would just touch the tips of their fingers together, he would probably melt into a puddle. He can't even remember the last time he held Bucky's hand.
He felt guilty for those thoughts though, he was lucky to have Bucky back in the first place. There was no reason for him to be pushing Bucky too far and back into the past to be someone that he isn't anymore.
So, Steve layed quietly in his own bed, every nerve in his body was jumpping and buzzing with need to get close, to go into Bucky's room and cuddle up in bed with him, to let bucky just wrap his arms around him and hold him tight.
-
Steve had been away on a solo mission of a month and a half now. By the time he got back home, he was ready to drop dead and sleep for a good twenty four hours. Bucky seemed to have different ideas, he greeted Steve at the door, hugging him tight. Steve hasn't hugged Bucky since... since... it didn't matter. He just let himself get comfortable in the embrace, gently resting his chin on Bucky's shoulder and slipping his arms around Bucky's upper back.
Stebe hadn't even realizes the way his heart was pounding, panicking, begging to get closer. He wanted to, wanted to have every single part of the two of them line up and fit together in a perfect hug.
Steve was disappointed when Bucky pulled away. "I missed you a lot, thought I'd make dinner and you'd tell me about your super secret mission."
Steve laughed and let his arms hang at his sides and he walked behind Bucky and into the kitchen. Definitely fighting the urge to grab Bucky's hand.
Steve smiled while they sat and talked, Bucky always loved hearing details on missions he wasn't supposed to just to piss SHEILD off.
"Solo missions sounds crappy. What do you do all my yourself? You don't talk to anyone, nothing."
"Yeah, they do Bucky -"
"I mean, being all by yourself is already bad enough. Why do they have to make it over a month? I mean they just took you away for a month and - and..."
"Buck..." Steve looked at him with soft eyes, Bucky barely could look up and across the table, his face pink. "You okay?"
"Yeah.. yeah, just lonely without you. Love you too much to have you gone that long."
It could easily be written off as platonic. Maybe it was Steve's touch starved mind and body begging for attention but that had not felt like a friendly I love you. It felt like a I want to kiss you until you can't breathe I love you.
Steve stared, smiling and blushing. "I... I... you too. Love you too."
Bucky had this lopsided grin and nothing more was said.
-
Before the war, Bucky had been like a cat. Loved to curl up, be warm and sleep. It had been great, especially when Steve was involved in that mix. And right now, after that tension filled I love you, the thought wasn't doing any help for Steve to fall asleep in a empty bed.
"Captain Rogers," JARVIS startled him, "Mr. Barnes would like to know if you were awake."
"Yep."
"He wonders if it would be a bother to ask if he could sleep in your bed with you."
"Like now?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, tell him the door's unlocked."A gentle knock sounded more than a few seconds later, telling Steve that Bucky hadn't been in his room.
"Steve?" Came a Bucky's soft whisper, "You awake?"
"Didn't JARVIS already tell you yes?"
"Yeah," came the embarrassed mummer as the door opened. "Just wanted to make sure."
"Whatever you dork," Steve chuckled, shifting to sit up a bit. "You... you wanna lay?" He offered, pushing the covers back a little bit.
"I, yeah, yeah please." He shuffled over, foot steps silent, he got in the bed slowly as if expecting Steve to yell at him for even trying. Steve just layed back down, heart pounding hard and he was sure that Bucky could hear it. Not like he felt that it was that loud but he's actually pretty sure that Bucky can hear heart beats if he listened close enough, same as him. He could heart Bucky's heart fluttering right now if he focused on it enough.
"You alright?" Ge asked when Bucky sat down, seeming to actually fear getting under the covers.
"I- I- yeah, perfect. Just.. maybe this was a bad idea, I shouldn't have bothered you." He was moving to stand, his legs swinging off the bed. His feet barely made it to the floor before Steve's brain kicked in and grabbed Bucky's arm. Not too tight, enough that if he yanked hard enough it would be free. The metal in his warm palm was almost freezing.
"Buck, you can stay. As long as it's just sleeping you plan on doing?"
Bucky Barnes actually blushed, "Yes, it's just... I can't -" Bucky didn't continue, just flopped backwards onto the bed, head almost on Steve and legs still on the ground.
"You are so overdramatic, would you just lay down?" He tugged at Bucky's arm and he rolled into a more comfortable looking laying position.
"What's wrong?" Steve asked, not letting go of Bucky's metal arm, one hand firm around his wrist and the other absentmindedly playing with his fingers.
"I... I'm just tired of sleeping alone." Bucky was surely blushing now, Steve rolled so he was facing Bucky, blankets getting tangled from Steve being under them and Bucky still being on top of them.
"Then get under the covers." Steve thought maybe he should tell Bucky that he was too, that most of the time he had a hard time going to sleep because the bed was so empty.
Bucky just nodded, letting Steve keep hold of the metal arm as he pushed the covers out from underneath himself. He didn't mind the touch on his metal arm, that thing was always cold. In the hot shower, in the sun, even when he tried pressing his hands to it to warm it up on days he really couldn't stand it. His arm was always cold no matter what he tried. He could feel with that arm too, it felt the same as bone deep biting cold. It felt detached as if teasing him he couldn't do anything about it.
He could feel Steve's hands too, the undeniable warmth of them. Like a fire in a snow storm.
Steve smiled so big, thankful almost, when Bucky's head finally layed on the pillow. He looked like he want to get closer and Bucky's heart jumped at the thought. He was past the mentality that touch was bad, he knew it was okay, that Steve wasn't going to hurt him. So he gently reached out and grabbed Steve's arm with his human hand, pulling him closer by the bicep.
Steve actually shuddered when his body was pressed to Bucky's. Bucky froze for a second, shifting a bit because maybe Steve didn't want all of this.
Steve just held tighter to Bucky's arm but felt like he couldn't move. He really wanted to cuddle, he's pretty sure he started shaking.
"Steve.. are you... is this okay?"
"Yeah," he curled in on himself, pressing his legs against Bucky's.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, I just haven't... haven't really cuddled anyone since before the war." Steve left out the part where there was really no intimate touches like this. He hugs Sam, high fives Tony, puts his hand on Natasha's shoulder but this was different. This was a lot.
"Nervous?"
Not evaxtly. His entire body was jumping, begging to be held by someone. To have a little more than just shoulder pats and high fives. Just to be close to someone. Even just the possibility of it from Bucky had him ready to fall apart. The feeling of Bucky so close, legs pressing together and metal arm tight in his grip was a lot to feel at once.
"Overwhelmed." He muttered, keeping his face pressed into the bed, cheeks red.
"Why?"
"Being close... to have contact with someone it's just... a lot. It feels new."
Bucky was confused by the statements. "I can... I can leave."
"No," Steve said all too suddenly, pressing his pajama bottom clad legs closer to Bucky's. "Don't."
"Alright.."
"Thank you." Steve whispered, shoulders still tense but his voice was less panicked.
Bucky took a few minutes to think about it. To connect all the dots and odd behaviors from Steve. He hadn't thought they were odd before, when he was still learning how to be human again but now they did. "Touch starved," Bucky whispered.
"Excuse me?" Steve asked, shifting - flinching, if you asked Bucky - away so all contact was gone.
"My therapist mentioned something about it," He didn't whisper it anymore, wasn't embarrassed by the fact he went to tharapy anymore. "Thought that would be a problem for me later but... I don't really... It hasn't been yet."
"Okay."
"I don't know why it hasn't been a problem for me yet but it just... never bothered me to not touch."
"But you were so... before the war, you were so cuddly."
"I still want to be but it just never really affected me I guess. I always want to be like that again but it never... became a problem like this."
"Like what?"
"Like with you."
"Wha -"
"You wanna cuddle?" Bucky asked, voice soft and on the boarder line of embarrassed.
Steve blinked, he barely understood what Bucky was trying to get at but he can understand the meaning of "touch starved" pretty well. Even if he didn't know it had been a thing before a few seconds ago. He could understand that it meant he was having problems from lack of contact.
"I..." Great, now he was being the awkward one, "yes," he admitted softly, still completely still.
Bucky smiled, scooting over so he was pretty much on Steve's pillow with him and rubbed his human hand over Steve's arm. He saw Steve's eyes flip shut, then rapidly blink open like he didn't want them closed. Bucky just smiled back at the small self conscious smile he got.
He rubbed down Steve's arm, the cool skin there turning warm. Then his arm was resting on Steve's waist, pulling him close. Steve let out a small satisfied sound when his bare chest pressed to Bucky's clothed one.
Bucky was rubbing up and down his back with one hand and he was lost in it, eyes closed and forehead pressed to Bucky's shoulder. Right now, he felt like he was the only thing that mattered to Bucky. Bucky's whole world had been reduced down to the way Steve was clinging onto him like he was going to get rushed away by a string river of emotion if he didn't have Bucky as an anchor. Everything felt like too much and not enough.
Steve sighed softly, contentedly and closed his eyes. He was trying to communicate all that to Bucky but his brain was barely working. He isn't sure how he survived without this after the ice.
"Buck.."
"Huh?"
"Thanks."
Bucky didn't say anything, only slipped his metal arm under Steve's body and around to his back. He rolled them so instead of next to him, Steve was half in top of him. Both his hands, one hot and one almost freezing were running up and down his back. Steve was sure he was shaking, could feel his whole body literally vibrating from the much needed contact.
"You alright?"
"Yes, it's just a lot."
"You know you're gonna have to mention this to your tharapist."
"Why?" Steve kind of squeaked, sounding embarrassed again.
"You know exactly why." Both of them remember the constant nagging from Steve that Bucky face problems he was having.
Nothing else was said, Bucky kept finding ways to press closer and pretty soon, Steve wasn't even aware that anything existed. He thinks he was half asleep but he didn't care. Bucky was there, with him, holding him like he was small again. He wanted Bucky to be there forever, just like when they were younger. He wasn't asking for the same Bucky back, he was just asking for that feeling of trust and protection to come back. He trusted Bucky now, probably too much. He had been willing to let Bucky beat him to death if that meant even the smallest chance of the older remembering him though seventy years of brain washing.
Steve had been so glad it worked.
Bucky's legs tangled with his under the covers.
Steve was pretty sure he was a puddle. As Bucky's hands continued to just rub his back and his legs were tucked safely around Steve's. They both closed their eyes eventually, too close and too warm to stay awake too long. Steve easily fell asleep to the constant of Bucky's hands up and down his back. He thinks he muttered out a question as to weather or not Bucky was going to sleep in here again tomorrow night. He only got a chuckle and a "yes."