"I'm screwed", was the only thing Mary could say, the only thing she could think, she had to give Mother Superion her letter, and she wasn't sure how, after all, how could you give a mom the letter her child wrote for her after realizing she wouldn't come back? The answer? No one knows. Mary didn't know, she couldn't know, she had never been in this position before; the OCS doesn't train you for this situations, nor for the pain that comes with this. So Mary's fucked.
With all her mental strength, she took the letter out of the box and started to walk to Mother Superion's office, it wasn't easy, Mary felt her body trying to stop itself, she felt like she couldn't make it, like some strange and invisible force was trying to pull her back, not allowing her to reach her destination. But she kept going, she kept walking, her body getting heavier and heavier with each step she took, as if something was taking her strength away; eventually, she gave up, and decided to sit on the floor with her back against a wall to get some energy back. Why was it so hard? She only had to walk up to her and hand her the letter, it's not like she had to be there with Mother Superion while she read it. And then it clicked. Mary was tired after being near Diego while he read his letter, and she was even more tired after being literally next to Camila while she read the letter. She was emotionally tired, she hadn't dealt with her feelings and her pain, she didn't after Shannon's death, so why would she do it after Ava's loss?
Mary needed a break, she needed to just, sit and close her eyes and take deep breaths and deal with her feelings.
But it wasn't time for that. She stood up again and walked down the hallway to Mother Superion's office; once she was outside, she knocked on the door, hoping that the older nun wouldn't answer. Which happened. There wasn't any sound coming from inside the room, and as much as Mary wanted to be glad for that, she immediately worried, quickly opening the door, seeing that no one was inside. She panicked a little, going straight outside, thinking that maybe the nun would be outside, watching the girls train, but she couldn't find her there. She found Camila instead, so she took a deep breath and walked towards her. "Cam, have you seen Mother Superion?", she asked, fidgeting a bit with the letter on her hands, "She's on the secret entrance that we used to use before, why?", she asked, not looking back at her, focusing on the girls training. "I have to speak to her, and quickly, so thanks", Mary answered before starting to run towards that door on the back of Cat's Cradle, Camila just nodded, her attention still on the girls.
It took Mary a few moments getting there, with every step, she felt her energy being sucked away once more, but she didn't care about it this time, she just kept running. Eventually, she got to her destination, seeing the older nun sitting on one of the steps; without looking back, Mother Superion spoke, "What is it, Mary?', she asked, Mary was catching her breath, so it took her a few seconds to answer, "Ava's letter- for you- here-", she handed the older woman the letter, still catching her breath. Mother Superion took it and smiled softly, Mary just scratched the back of her hand, nervous. "Are you okay?", the nun asked, catching Mary off guard, she was about to speak when the older woman spoke once more, "Don't lie to me, you know that doesn't work with me", the younger woman chuckled a bit before sitting just a few steps above the nun.
"I'm just tired, that's all, just, one of those days when, everything is just, a lot?". she said the last part, unsure if it was clear, Mother Superion just nodded her head to let her know she heard her, she began to open the envelope of the letter and before she took it out, she looked at Mary, and gave her a smile, "You can go and rest", she said, and Mary quicky stood up and thanked her before walking away as fast as she could, going straight to her room.
Mother Superion looked back at the letter, she took a deep shaky breath and opened it slowly, as if opening it quickly would break the paper, she stared at the words for a few seconds, not reading, just admiring Ava's handwriting, with another deep breath, and all her mental strength, she began reading.
Dear
momMotherI'm sorry, for everything. And thanks, for everything too. I don't know what else to say, I never had the chance to write a letter to my mom, I mean I guess I did some time before the accident, but I don't remember any of it. So I have no idea of what to say.
Maybe I should say that at first you were mean, kind of a bitch, I know, "Language", but this is a letter for you, and I want it to feel like me, I don't even know what that means, but I want this to feel.. Ava. After all, this is the only thing I'm going to be able to leave for you, and I wish it wasn't like that. You gave me so much and a letter doesn't feel enough, I want to re pay you some day, but now I can't and that sucks, so I'm sorry.
God, I'm sorry about so many things and I have no idea on how to fix things, I'm sorry for running away, for being a coward, you can't really blame me for that, I got a second chance at life and I wanted to make the most out of it. And just now I realized that this, this decision, this sacrifice I'm going to make, is exactly that. I mean, think about it, what could be more significant than giving your life for probably some part of the world? So I don't really regret doing this.
Wait, that's a lie, I regret it so much because I never wanted this, I just wanted a life, but being alive meant more people would be under Adriel's control, and it meant more Sisters dying, and it meant putting all of you in danger, and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm happy because you get to live, but I'm sad because I don't. But that's fine, I guess, I mean, what would be the point of living if everyone I love is in danger, you know? I know you do, you were a Warrior Nun before, I'm sure you know this feeling, maybe a little too well.
Can I be honest for a moment? I mean I have been honest this whole time writing this letter, but can I be really honest? I'm scared, I'm scared because I have no idea of what will be on the other side, if there's even one, but I think there is, I used to believe angels weren't real and this letter is proof that I beat some angel's ass, so I have no idea of what to expect. I just know that, I won't be happy. Because none of you will be there.
Maybe I'll get to know Shannon, who knows, but even if I meet her, I'll miss all of you, especially you, you were, a mom, to me. As stupid as it sounds, after 12 years of being told by the only older woman in my life that I was many many bad things and that I didn't deserve love, for you to show that you cared about me, it made me feel, so many things, it made me feel happy, and loved, and it reminded me of my mom's love. But every time I think about my mom, I only see you. You got that role in my life after everything you did for me, and again, I feel like I didn't do enough for you; I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm apologizing too much, but I'm sorry for so many things, I feel like everything that happened was my fault, I feel like Lilith dying, and Mary almost dying, and Camila and Yasmine being trapped in Adriel's church and Duretti's dead was my fault, and that every Sister that died was because of me, and as much as I love being alive, I can't help but think that, maybe it would've been better if Bea and Mary and them had waited until they were out of danger to put the Halo back on Shannon, I know she was more prepared for this role than I was, am, will be; from what I've heard, she was smarter, and stronger and braver and everything-er than me. If the Halo gave me back my life, it could've done the same for Shannon, and maybe Mary would've been happier.
I feel bad for being a constant reminder that Shannon was gone, it must have hurt her a lot, I'll make sure to apologize to her. But this letter isn't for her, it's for you, so, mom, if you don't mind me calling you that, thanks.
Thanks for everything, for taking care of me, looking out for me, protecting me, for loving me. I couldn't remember how the love of a mother felt until I met you, and I'm deeply grateful for that, and I wish I could do more for you, and I wish I could spend more time with you, create more memories together, I wanted you to teach me that shield thing you could do with the Halo, and I wanted you to tell me how you used to beat people, and how much of a badass you are. But I'm happy with what I lived, I'm even happy with the first time we interacted, even if, again, you were kind of a bitch, at first I didn't understand you, and it took me a lot to realize that you just wanted what was the best. I'm sorry I made things so hard.
I feel like this letter is becoming too long, so I'll finish soon, because I'm running out of space to write, which upsets me because there are so many more things I want to tell you but I don't know what they are, maybe that I'm sorry for being bad at training? Or that you are a real badass? Maybe that I admire a lot. Or maybe that I love you.
I don't think I've written that, but I love you, I love you a lot and I'm glad I got to meet you and I really wanted more time with you, but again, I'm happy with what I lived. I think that's all, I mean I don't have more space and Beatrice has said that writing on the back of the paper isn't really pretty, and because I want this to be a pretty letter because it's all I can leave for you, this ends here.
Mom, thanks for your love and care,
With all the love I can give, Ava.
Mother Superion finished reading the letter, noticing how some tears had fell on the paper, she smiled, wiping them off; she looked up to the sky, which was cloudy, and with a deep shaky breath, she chucked, "I love you too, my child", she said out loud, seeing how the clouds moved just a little, showing just a little bit of the sun's light through, and Mother Superion knew that Ava had heard it. The smile she had on her face was probably the biggest smile she had had in a long time, some more tears fell, and she just allowed it, she allowed herself to feel.
She was sad, but at the same time, she was happy. She had lost a daughter, but she kept her daughter's love, and now she knew that her daughter was happy with what they lived together. It hurt her, but that pain was also what would give her strength to bring back her girl. She would move mountains if she needed to, she would do anything in this world to bring her back. And she would succeed. Because her girl is right, she is a badass.
"Don't worry Ava, we'll bring you back soon, and I promise, we would do everything you ever wanted to do", she said with a smile, her voice breaking a little bit, she put the letter back in the envelope and went inside, straight to her office, and began thinking on how to bring back one of her purposes on life. Because she will do anything in this world for her girls, her daughters.