Chapter 2
Prince Loki of Asgard was first a prince and second a lover.
He reminded himself of that every time his eyes caught the stairwell that led to the dungeons. He reminded himself of that every time Thor would make a slight regarding Alfheim or its royal family. He reminded himself of that every time he felt the bundle of regret announce itself in his heart.
It was that reminder that lasted him the entire century since Anthony’s imprisonment.
And then begun former Prince Anthony’s slow descent into the madness of isolation—with which Loki had expected would come sooner than it had.
There was a scrying bowl in Loki’s room, a gift from his late mother. Before Anthony, he had hardly touched it. Now, it was all he ever looked at. The bowl allowed him to watch Anthony without Anthony having to see him. After all, the former prince had been quite clear when he expressed his wishes to never see Loki again.
Loki eyed the scrying bowl with a heavy heart that he never knew existed until he met Anthony. Anthony was staring at the spoon he held in his hands, his food untouched in front of him. He was sprawled on the floor, back to the wall. There was no mistaking the pale look on his face from his adamant refusal to eat anything the guards gave him. The necklace around him could only do so much to sustain his health. It only did bare minimum, giving Anthony enough strength to continue living.
Loki knew Anthony was wishing for death.
Anthony gave the spoon a small tap and then he hurled it toward one of the cell barriers. The barrier did not break, of course.
Sometimes, Loki would catch Anthony trying to amuse himself with mundane things. Most of the time, he would spend sleeping. Now, it seemed, he was doing neither of those things. He was angry. At what, Loki was not certain.
He continued to watch.
Come half a century after that, Loki caught Anthony holding a metal shard to his arm. A frown was etched on his face as he attempted to scrape it on himself. The shard sparked and turned to dust the moment it harshly came contact with Anthony.
“Just let me die, please...” Anthony then begged, looking up at nothing in particular as though he could sense Loki watching him.
Two centuries later since Anthony’s imprisonment, Loki began to worry even more.
Anthony had begun to speak to himself more often than not. A few times, it would appear he was talking to someone but there was never anyone nearby. At first, Loki had suspected he was able to contact someone outside but he soon realized that this was Anthony’s way of coping.
“Hello,” Anthony chuckled half-heartedly, reaching out his hand to shake the air. “I’m... I’m...” his eyebrows furrowed and he closed his eyes, leaning back, “I don’t know who I am...”
Loki’s heart clenched at that and he forced himself to stop watching the scene. It was then he questioned what he was doing here, exactly. What he was doing watching the man he loves waste away his beautiful, beautiful mind.
What for? Loki asked himself when he had the safety of his own thoughts. This life that I lead, what do I live it for?
For Asgard, a voice answers. It was more his father’s than his own.
Another half century later, Loki found himself escorting another prisoner into the dungeons. This time it was a semi-powerful being from Muspelheim that Thor had beaten in battle. Of course, Loki was left to pick up the scraps.
Because the only empty cell at the time was the one next to Anthony’s, Loki had to repeatedly tell himself that under no circumstance was he going to acknowledge Anthony’s presence.
His plan was following through until he was actually standing next to Anthony’s cell and the Elf was staring at the floor, an absent gaze in his eyes as he squinted at Loki but there was nothing resembling recognition on his face.
Loki had to blink back his tears. Of course, how could he expect his Anthony to recognize him if Anthony did not even recognize himself anymore?
“Brother!” Thor’s voice thundered through the halls. Loki closed his eyes. Always around to interfere.
He turned away from Anthony and gave his brother a forced smile. “Yes, Thor?”
“I was just making sure everything’s alright, yes?” Thor patted Loki’s shoulder but Loki could feel the underlying warning. This was the first time Loki has been near Anthony in three centuries, after all.
Anthony tilted his head and then he snorted a bit, not saying a word.
“He’s gone mad,” Loki muttered, trying to keep the concern from finding its way to his face.
Thor chuckled as though this was the most amusing thing he has seen in a while. “Took him long to break. His parents lost spirit within the first half century!”
“That’s nice...” Loki muttered.
“Ah, well, I come bearing interesting news, brother! The Warriors Three and I recently took to Alfheim to look through its castle once again and we were searching through Anthony’s rooms and we found a dagger carved with your names.”
Loki’s head shot up. “Pardon?” he rasped, “You found what?”
“A dagger, see.” Thor dug into one of his pockets and presented the sheathed dagger to Loki. “You really tricked him into falling for you. Nicely done.”
Loki’s eye twitched as he reached over to take the dagger from Thor. He had not known Anthony had been in the middle of creating something for him. He examined the hilt. True to Thor’s words, Anthony and Loki were engraved on it with a heart in between their names. Runes ran down the sides of the dagger, too. Anthony had been studying a few protection and battle spells for this.
“I see...” Loki murmured.
“Anyway, brother, supper will start soon. Let us go. This place is rather disgusting.”
This was Asgard’s king, Loki had to remind himself. There was only so much his self-control could do to prevent him from stabbing Thor with the new dagger he had acquired.
He gave Anthony one last longing glance before following Thor out of the dungeons.
--- --- ---
Loki threw the dagger towards the target and it embedded itself in the red mark. There was no doubting the craftsmanship of the dagger was perfect. But of course, why would he expect anything less from Anthony?
As he walked over to his dagger, the sound of hooves on the ground began to approach and there His Majesty was, riding along his friends. Thor waved at Loki, covered in blood and sweat. “You should have come along, Loki! The Vanir were begging for mercy.”
Loki clenched his jaw and forced out a, “Perhaps next time.”
This was the sixth realm Asgard has conquered since Thor came into ruling. The only realms that have not been touched were Midgard and Helheim. Thor could not attack Midgard. The Norns themselves have decreed it that Midgard would never partake in inter-realm wars until such a time they become aware of the other realms existing (Midgard was quite ignorant). Although, inter-realm wars aside, from what Loki has heard, they were doing quite a good job at ruining itself on its own.
Helheim, on the other hand... well, there was nothing for Thor to touch there anyway unless he possessed a sudden interest in lost souls.
“Will you come celebrate with us tonight?” Thor grinned.
Loki nodded stiffly. Thor was a warmonger, no doubt. His lust for war was in no way reasonable anymore. It hadn’t been reasonable when he first attacked Alfheim but this... this was getting a little bit out of hand.
“A little bit is the understatement of this millennium,” Loki scoffed to himself. He glared at Thor’s disappearing figure and yanked the dagger out of the target. And then then and there, he decided, “To hell with the throne.” Perhaps Anthony had been right. His loyalty was a bit flimsy, after all.
--- --- ---
Ten years of slightly avoiding Thor later, Loki had a plan.
He shoved the most recent prisoner inside a newly emptied cell and with sleight of hand, attached a runestone to his clothing. It was quick work and no one had seen it. The runestone would activate in a few moments and it will set off an explosion in the cell and others nearby. It would be enough to cause quite the commotion.
Loki counted in his head as he began to walk away. When he arrived at twenty, glass shattered behind him and it was pure chaos. He would have stood back and admired it had he not a mission in mind.
Taking the form of one of the prisoners, Loki ran over to Anthony’s cell and disabled the barrier with his magic. But instead of a hopeful, excited reaction from Anthony, all he got was a blank stare.
“Norns,” Loki murmured as he saw the dead gaze in Anthony’s eyes. What was he thinking? Where was Anthony to go if he was free? Would Anthony even know how to act a free man anymore?
Clearly, the answer was no.
Loki looked around and figured he still had enough time before the guards managed to subside the chaos. He conjured a double of himself, pretended to ‘kill’ his prisoner image and in the cell, it was just him and Anthony.
“Anthony...” Loki said, cautiously reaching out to take Anthony’s hand in his, “You will feel a little disoriented. Close your eyes.” And then he brought them back to his chambers before he could think of a better idea.
Anthony blinked when they arrived in Loki’s room, looking around with a subtle frown on his face. He said nothing.
There was not very much Loki could do at the moment. His mind weighed between leaving Anthony here to talk to Thor and staying here and keeping Anthony for himself and act as though Anthony had run away. However, someone had likely seen him take Anthony. He had to speak with Thor about this. It was far better to try and reason with Thor than for Thor to think he was betraying the crown.
Loki set Anthony down on his bed. “Stay here, I will be back soon.”
Anthony gave no hint that he even heard Loki’s statement. He continued to stare blankly at the wall.
Loki was tempted to lean down and kiss him but it was much too soon... perhaps it was not even something that could happen ever again. Anthony would never forgive him and he had perfect reason not to.
Not wanting to waste more time, Loki disappeared from his room and appeared in the throne room, walking towards Thor with an air of both confidence and respect. He gave a small bow, an arm crossed over his chest.
“Brother, you have heard of the recent explosion in the dungeons, yes?” Loki asked, straightening himself.
Thor huffed. “Of course. We have yet to round up all the prisoners.”
“I have caught one of them trying to escape,” Loki said sweetly, “The dear former prince of Alfheim. If I may,” he tried to make his expression as sympathetic as possible, “I fear the recent events in the dungeons will not prove to be capable of holding the prince. He would, after all, make a difficult enemy if he is able to run free. As my thrall, he will be kept under better watch.”
Thor shifted in his throne and gave Loki a small frown. “And this has nothing to do with having feelings for him still? Do I have your word on that?”
Loki’s word meant nothing. He nodded. “It does not. You have my word.”
“Seeing as it has been centuries,” Thor hummed, his hand resting on Mjölnir’s hilt, “I supposed you no longer harbor any feelings so I shall allow it.”
How easy it was to sway Thor so long as they were not in the talk of war. Loki held back a snort and gratefully smiled at Thor. “You will not be disappointed, brother.”
Now all he needed was for Anthony to heal. It would be no easy task. On one hand, he needed to train Anthony to act like a thrall when they were in public but in private, Loki needed him to become himself again. Become Anthony again so that he could escape and live a better life. Preferably on Midgard where Thor will not be able to reach him.
When Loki went back to his room, Anthony was lying down on the bed this time, staring at the ceiling.
“Anthony?” Loki asked tentatively, walking over without much noise so Anthony would not be startled.
Anthony turned his head, eyes rather wide.
Loki tried to keep his emotions at bay. This was not the time to panic nor cry. He sat on the edge of the bed. “Anthony, what do you know?”
Anthony shook his head. It was hardly an answer. Loki could tell, what he was trying to say, though. Nothing, I remember nothing.
“What about me?” Loki pressed, “Do you remember me?”
Anthony squinted up at him and slowly shook his head.
Loki swallowed. That was for the best, was it not? Anthony not remembering Loki was the perfect opportunity to rebuild his bond with Anthony. A fresh start. Were Loki a worse man, he would lie to Anthony. Or he would make Anthony fall in love with him again and keep their past a secret.
But Loki loved Anthony too much and over the centuries, he had realized he has wronged him plenty. He did not wish to add up.
“Perhaps in time you will remember,” Loki said. It was better that way. Him telling Anthony would pain him too much. Anthony figuring it out on his own was the neutral course of action. Loki gave his ex-lover a weak smile. “For now, we have a few things to discuss.”
Anthony bit his lip. He was nervous. Loki hoped he would talk but after centuries of isolation, perhaps that was a bit too much to ask.
“I am a prince of Asgard.” Loki grimaced when Anthony flinched. “It is with regret that I tell you this. I have taken you away from isolation, Anthony, but it has come with a price.”
A shudder.
“I want to help you, Anthony, I really do. I have your best interest at heart, please understand that,” Loki said. He needed Anthony to understand that. “Outside of this room, I will need you to act as a thrall. That is what the king knows and we cannot have him find out otherwise. But,” he added quickly, “In this room, we are equals. That is what we are, do you understand?”
Anthony furrowed his eyebrows, licking his lips before he nodded a bit. There was hesitation in his eyes but he did not think to question Loki. Loki frowned. He hated this. He wanted Anthony to question him. He did not like the feeling of having this much control over Anthony—it was unnerving.
“All you have to do is follow anything I say when we’re not in here. You also can’t look me or anyone else in the eye. When we’re outside, understood? Just when we’re outside. In this room, you can be yourself. Question me, disobey me, get angry, cry. I do not care. It is your right, do you understand?” Loki said and then repeated, “Do you understand?”
Anthony shook his head.
Loki frowned. “What do you not understand?”
Anthony shrugged.
This was proving to be more difficult than he had initially expected but who was Loki to complain? This was harder for Anthony than it was for him. Loki could do this. He will bring his Anthony back whatever it took.
He stood and took a roll of parchment from his drawer and took a quill as well. He then handed it to Anthony, hoping it would work. “Only if you want to,” he said softly.
Anthony took the parchment, his hands trembling. He stared at the parchment, up at Loki, then back at the parchment. His lips parted and Loki thought he was about to speak but he snapped it shut immediately. Anthony put the quill on the parchment and with shaky hands, he began to write.
Loki waited patiently. Anthony had not written in a long time, patience was needed.
When Anthony was done, he handed the paper to Loki who took it with a soft smile. He looked at the parchment.
Why so different? Was scrawled on the upper left.
Why indeed. Loki looked up. “Well, I want to help you and this is the only way I know how to. I know it is not ideal but... I do not exactly have better ideas, I am sorry. Anthony.” Loki grasped Anthony’s hand and looked him in the eyes. “I am so sorry.”
Anthony could only stare back with confusion.
--- --- ---
three decades later
Some days were better than others. Some days, such as this, Loki had to treat Anthony like a thrall.
Loki put his hand on Anthony’s head and looked down at him, feeding him a small slice of apple. They were sat on the dining table. Or rather, Loki was sat and Anthony knelt beside him.
“They were begging for me to have mercy. It was wonderful!” Thor exclaimed, his glass of mead slamming on the table. And then he turned to Loki. “You have not joined us in conquest in quite a while, brother.”
Some things never changed. Like Thor.
“I have been quite busy,” Loki said, his hand running through Anthony’s hair.
Thor huffed. “You have only been locked in your rooms. What is it you do anyway? Surely this thrall of yours cannot keep you entertained for very long.”
Loki clenched his jaw, his hand tightening in Anthony’s hair. “He keeps me entertained enough.”
Thor gave him a knowing smile and raised his glass. The rest of the council snickered in agreement as he said, “I see how it is, brother. That is good of you to maximize its use.”
“Truly,” muttered Loki. He put his spoon down, letting it clatter against his plate. “I am very tired, I think it is time for me to retire for the night.” Loki pushed back his chair and tugged Anthony up. “Come on.”
A low whistle came from one of Thor’s friends and then followed by laughter by the table. Loki grit his teeth as he and Anthony walked away. Did Thor truly think so low of Loki to think he would take advantage of the only being he has ever loved? Thor was not the smartest, though, so Loki tried not to take it to heart.
Days like these were decent once Loki was able to retire to his chambers.
But other days were far better—days he could spend the entire time treating Anthony as his equal. On this such day, he was looking for something to buy for Anthony.
“This should do,” Loki hummed, handing the metal pieces to the shopkeeper. “This is the best metal there is, yes?”
The shopkeeper nodded. “Yes, Your Highness.” And then he proceeded to pack up the parts and give Loki his change. Loki took the items he purchased and gave a courteous nod before going back to his chambers where Anthony awaited.
Anthony was on the floor, tinkering with a few other things that Loki had brought him in the past few years. At the moment, it seemed, he was in the middle of making some sort of gauntlet that Loki could not understand. They were still yet to exchange words but Anthony had at least somehow warmed up to him.
“I brought you some more things,” Loki smiled. He loved to shower Anthony with things even if they were not lovers. Anything for love, Loki had finally learned.
Anthony grinned up at him and took the metal items and spread them out on the floor. After a moment’s hesitation, Anthony looked down and Loki was about to leave it at that. Then suddenly—
“Thank you,” Anthony mumbled.
Loki’s head shot up and he looked at Anthony with wide eyes. “Anthony,” he breathed.
Anthony’s voice was rough from years of disuse but he shrugged. “Loki. Thank you.”
“I—you’re welcome...”
Anthony smiled and with that, Loki’s heart fluttered.
After that day, Anthony slowly began to become more talkative. It was the best Loki has felt in a while. It felt like he was finally getting his Anthony back. Thought, not his Anthony. But the Anthony he knew before the war.
“Hey, Loki?” Anthony asked one day when they were lounging in Loki’s chambers.
Loki looked up from his book. “Yes?”
Anthony pursed his lips. “Remember the day you took me from the dungeons?”
Loki put the book down. “Yes, of course I do.”
“You asked me if I remembered you.”
There was tense silence for a moment before Loki licked his lips and nodded. “I did, yes. What about it?” Did Anthony remember? Was this the part where he would yell at Loki and proceed to ignore him?
“Well, you left one of your drawers open, you see, and I... kind of caught a glimpse of the dagger inside?” Anthony said sheepishly.
Loki swallowed. “Okay, and?”
“Anthony heart Loki. That... that’s what it said. Well, I’m Anthony. You’re Loki. So,” Anthony sat up straighter, “Maybe you can tell me what I am missing?”
Loki gave a pained smile. “It will be much easier if you remember—”
“But I don’t. It has been three decades since you saved me and there is no way I am getting my memory back any time soon. Why not just tell me?” Anthony frowned. “We were lovers, right? What else could that mean? But... why was I in a cell then?”
“Anthony...”
Anthony folded his arms and he seemed adamant about this. “I am not to eat until you tell me.”
And what was Loki to do, honestly? Deny Anthony the right to the truth? Perhaps a past Loki would have done so but the current Loki could not bear to see his lover in pain from being kept in the dark. The current Loki knew how much mistakes the past Loki has committed and did not wish to repeat them—especially those concerning Anthony.
But... telling would not suffice. It would be biased to Loki’s point of view. It would not do Anthony justice.
Sighing, Loki reached up his hand to place it on Anthony’s forehead. “Perhaps I should show you...”
--- --- ---
Loki would say it wasn’t fair.
But it was. And he saw it coming.
Having it happen, though? That was a different matter altogether.
Since Anthony learned of the past, he had become more cold and closed off. It wasn’t the same as the time he did not speak, either. This time, he would not look at Loki, would reply with a ‘Yes, Your Highness or ‘No, Your Highness’ to whatever Loki said and acted exactly like any other servant did.
He was no longer Loki’s friend or equal and that hurt more than Loki had expected to.
He did try, at first, to mend things, but Anthony would shrug off all his advances. Then Loki tried to shower him with gifts but Anthony would refuse all offers and Loki has seen some of his gifts in the trash.
On the second decade Anthony was still cold towards him, Loki had finally gotten the hint to stop and he began to act more like Anthony’s prince than friend or lover.
That did not mean he stopped caring about Anthony, though.
The past two decades had finally made him realize that this was no place for Anthony. During Anthony’s time as Loki’s friend, a part of Loki had hoped that Anthony could stay here forever. It was a delusion Loki had made for himself. In reality, Anthony needed to be far from Asgard, away from Loki, so he could live the life he deserved—contribute to the universe with that brilliant mind of his.
Which was why Loki decided that he would help Anthony escape.
With Anthony being angry at him, though, there was no way he would accept Loki’s help. Loki had to do it discretely.
“Anthony, I have a meeting today,” Loki announced, fixing himself up in the mirror. Anthony was on the floor, sitting down and doing nothing. He looked up at Loki and shrugged. That was all the answer Loki was going to get.
Loki had slipped one of his best enchanted daggers on the bottom of his pants earlier and so as he walked out of his room, he used his magic to force it to slip on the floor and thud on the carpet, enough for Anthony to notice. And then he walked out, pretending not to notice.
That was step one.
Step two was drawing up schematic plans of the palace and a map of Asgard and a secret entrance to Midgard. To use the Bifrost would be next to impossible since Heimdall guarded its gates.
Loki then pretended to work on the plans on his desk. After a long while, he yawned, stood up and stretched. “We should sleep.” Not that his opinion mattered to Anthony. The Elf had set up a bed on the floor and has been sleeping there for two decades now.
Loki then shoved the schematics underneath his bed and went to bed quick.
The next day, the plans were no longer underneath his bed and he bit back a smile as he asked Anthony, “Have you seen the papers I was working on yesterday?”
“No, Your Highness,” Anthony replied in what was a blatant lie.
He gave Anthony time to study the plans. Loki would occasionally leave the room with the door locked and allowed Anthony to plan out his escape—Anthony was a smart man, he would have no problem planning it. Also, he had Loki’s necklace to protect him in case he was attacked.
A year later, he figured Anthony had a proper plan set out—if the way he was acting more tense was any indication.
A year later, Loki stood by the door and gave Anthony a small smile.
“Anthony?”
Anthony cleared his throat. “Yes, Your Highness?”
“I love you,” Loki whispered.
Anthony’s eyes widened and then he watched Loki leave the room. Loki left the door unlocked this time.
When he came back, Anthony was no longer there. What was left was a small piece of parchment on Loki’s bed.
I love you too. Anthony had written. But some things I still cannot forgive. I am sorry.
And with that, Loki walked to his scrying bowl and watched the man he loved run off to Midgard and make a life for himself there. Perhaps when things were better, he could visit.
He would keep his promise, though—Loki would never allow any harm to fall upon his beloved. No matter how much emotional pain it caused Loki, he would watch Anthony every day to make sure he was safe.
It was only a little bit of sacrifice for love.