God isn't an expression. Beatrice hates when people use the Lord's name as an expression, she finds it disrespectful and absurd. She would always call Ava out on that whenever the girl used it as an expression, Beatrice knew Ava wasn't really a believer, but she wanted the girl to show some respect.
Now that the girl was gone, Beatrice was hurting. She was in so much pain, and everything was always too much for her unprepared heart. So one night, one night when she was hurting the most, she did what she would've never thought of doing. She used Ava's expression.
"God, why?". Except it wasn't an expression. She was genuinely asking God why he did what he did. Why he took Ava away. She was directly asking God why he took the one thing Beatrice wanted to keep. Why he took her purpose. Why he took what she loved. Why he made her suffer.
It had been a normal day at Cat's Cradle, as normal as it could be with everything that happened just mere weeks ago; everyone was still in shock, even if they didn't really show it, everyone was still hurting. Beatrice was still hurting.
She felt emotions that she knew, but this time they were stronger than in the past, the grief, the pain, the rage. She had stopped eating, and of course everyone noticed it, they just decided to stay quiet, not wanting to make Beatrice feel worse.
It was night, most of the sisters had already ate dinner and went to their rooms to sleep. Except for the little group, Beatrice, Camila and Mary; Camila and Mary had decided to stay with Beatrice to try and make the poor girl eat even if it was just a little bit, but it was useless. After 10 minutes or so, both girls gave up and accepted that Beatrice wouldn't be eating; Camila had suggested they prayed a little bit, thinking it could help them, so they went to the small church and got ready to pray, even Mary was about to pray, something she didn't do a lot.
They were about to start when they heard Beatrice's voice, "God why?", she asked out loud, as if no one else was there. The other women just looked at her, seeing how something in Beatrice's eyes changed, how a strong emotion was getting over her; "Why the fuck did you do that?", she kept questioning, Camila quickly tried to shush her, they weren't allowed to curse and less in God's house, but Beatrice didn't seem to care about it, she didn't seem to care about anything.
Mary quickly grabbed Beatrice's arm, and dragged her outside of the Church as soon as she realized the younger girl wouldn't calm down. Beatrice didn't like this, trying to get off Mary's hold with all her strength. Rage and hate and anger was taking over her entire body and mind, not thinking things clearly. They had started to make some notice, who caught Lilith's attention, she had been in the hallway reading a book when she started to hear steps and growls, she went to check, seeing Beatrice trying to get away from Mary.
Without thinking, she teleported to Mother Superion's office, telling her of the situation. Both women went to check on the girls, seeing that Mary was no longer holding Beatrice, since she was now being pulled away by Camila. Beatrice seemed no better, she looked to one big painting of God that was near them and looked at it with hate. "You son of a bitch!", she yelled with tears appearing on the corner of her eyes, her fist clenched and her breathing become heavier and heavier by the second. No one moved a finger, the women could simply look at her.
"You really had to take her away? You really needed to take her? She didn't get a chance to live a proper fucking life! You- You made her suffer! I know I'm not supposed to question your plans, but why the fuck did you plan things like this for her?", she questioned, now her tears were falling to the floor, making a little puddle of sadness and frustration. "If you're so good, and you love us so much, why did you make us suffer? Why did you make her suffer so much? She had just gotten a life and she had to lose it again! You selfish son of a-", she was cut by her voice breaking, she began to gasp loudly, trying to catch her breath. Beatrice slowly approached the painting, staring at it. Camila took a few steps towards her, trying to get her attention, "Shut up Cam-", she was cut off by Mary, "Don't you fucking dare to speak to her like that, Beatrice, I get that you're mad, but you don't have to take out your shit on us, understood?", Beatrice just looked at her for a few seconds, Mary let out a sigh and slowly approached the other woman, her hands in the air to show that she didn't mean to harm. "Calm down, alri-'
Mary didn't expect Beatrice to punch her in the stomach, she kneeled to catch her breath, she stared at Beatrice for a few seconds before standing up and shortly looking over to Mother Superion, the older woman nodded, and Mary looked back at Beatrice, "Hit me again, if you can", she said, a smirk on her face. The other woman didn't think twice before throwing another punch, but this time Mary was able to dodge it easily, Beatrice tried to punch her again, Mary would be able to dodge it, but before she could react, Beatrice kicked her in ribs and then in the leg, making Mary kneel once more, Beatrice took this opportunity, she grabbed Mary by the hem of her shirt and made her stand up before she set a foot behind Mary and pushed her, making the older woman fall on her back. Beatrice got on top of her and started to punch her in the face, leaving Mary with a bloody nose. Camila tried to separate them, but Mother Superion ordered all of them to stay quiet and stay where they were. She had to let the girls solve this.
Mary felt tears on her cheeks, but they weren't hers, they were Beatrice's; the girl on top seemed to stop to catch her breath for just a second, which gave Mary enough time to push her away. With blood still coming out of her nose, she stood up and stared at Beatrice. As soon as Beatrice stood up, Mary kicked her in the stomach without thinking, which she immediately regretted, quickly approaching the woman who was now kneeling to recover her strength, "Hey I didn't mean to hit-", Beatrice threw a punch, which Mary once again dodged without problem. The younger woman seemed to become weaker, which didn't surprise Mary because of course she would be sick after not eating properly for days. Mary decided to just let the other woman try to hit her, that was her plan all along, she just wanted Beatrice to tire herself, she kept dodging punches and kicks until they all became weak.
Mary grabbed Beatrice's arm and pulled her closer to hug her. The slightly shorter girl clenched her fists hard and started to hit Mary's back weakly, like a child does. That's when it hit her. Beatrice was acting like a child, a child that knows how to fight and can be pretty dangerous, but she was acting like a kid. Because Beatrice didn't know how to deal with these emotions in a sane way. Because Beatrice didn't know how to deal with pain.
And the truth is that Mary didn't know how to either. And then she thought about Shannon, and how after her death, she pulled away and rebuild the walls that Shannon broke with her love. And she remembered how much that hurt. And she wouldn't let Beatrice suffer the same.
She held the younger woman tightly, feeling how her punches were becoming weaker and weaker by the second, until they stopped completely, Beatrice took a deep sharp breath and hugged Mary, starting to cry. This made Mary's heart hurt, not only because she knew how this pain felt, but because she wish she had allowed herself to save someone that did this for her; Mary knew she had people that would hug her if she needed someone, someone that wouldn't judge her, but she never allowed herself to have someone, after losing Shannon, she went back to being the stone heart girl she was before meeting the OCS. She didn't want Beatrice to suffer the same, the impact Ava had in her life was big, and she didn't want that to be lost.
Beatrice hid her face in Mary's neck, loudly gasping for air but not letting go of her, her body shaking, heart aching, legs becoming weaker and weaker by the second. Mother Superion motioned everyone to leave the place, something that everyone did, Lilith was the last one to leave, she stared at Mary for a few seconds before disappearing without saying a word. Mary slowly pulled away a little bit, she walked a few steps back and leaned against the wall, slowly falling to the floor until she was sitting, she motioned Beatrice to sit next to her, which she did, struggling a little bit to walk. Once both women were sitting down, the older woman hugged Beatrice once more, keeping her close; this just made the younger girl cry again.
"It hurts", was everything Beatrice could say, Mary nodded her head a few times before starting to rub circles on Beatrice's back, "I know, I know it hurts", the younger woman just kept crying, Mary started to feel tears on the corners of her eyes not too long after that. There were some moments of silence before Beatrice spoke again, "How did you make it stop hurting? After you lost Shannon", she questioned, and Mary had no idea on what to answer, because the truth is, it never stopped hurting, it still hurts, and it hurts every single day since the moment she wakes until the moment she falls asleep, but she didn't want Beatrice to feel worse, so she stayed silent until she knew what to say. "I didn't", she admitted, as much as she hated it, she knew she had to be honest with her, "It still hurts, it hurts every single day, all the day, even when I fall asleep, and it's worse in the morning, because I look to both sides of the bed, hoping to see Shannon, but she's never there", she keeps going, her voice slowly starting to break every few words, "And it honesty fucking sucks, and you were right about everything you said".
Beatrice pulled away just enough to see Mary's face, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes and nose softly red, "It is unfair, it was unfair for Shannon and it was even more unfair for Ava, you're right on that, but if you act like this, if you say those things, don't you think Ava will feel bad?", she questioned, Beatrice went back to the position she had before, hiding her face again. "I know you're in pain, Bea, and I know how much this hurts but guess what? Doing this won't make the pain go away, and I know it because I tried it, I tried it so much I had pain in the throat because of how much I screamed and yelled but it did nothing; it didn't bring Shannon back, and it won't bring Ava back", she said, her heart hurting at her own words, she knew this, but saying it out loud, admitting there was nothing they could do right now to bring Ava back, it hurt like shit.
"I miss her", said Beatrice in a soft tone, "I miss her too", admitted Mary, holding Beatrice more closer to her, her hands now shaking, a knot in her throat and a big pain in her chest. "I wanted to- I wanted a life with her", said the younger woman, her voice breaking, "Why did He do that? Why did He make her have that accident? Why didn't He give Ava a miracle and allowed her to live a normal life? Why did he take away her chance at life twice?", Mary felt Beatrice's pain in her voice, and how she referred to God like he had no power, she slowly started to rock back and forth, "Because sometimes that's just how it is, if Ava hadn't had that accident, you wouldn't even know about her, and if she hadn't made that sacrifice, we wouldn't be safe", said Mary, not really knowing what else to say.
"She just wanted to live", answered Beatrice, "She just wanted to have a normal life, she wanted to dance, visit places, watch movies, drink", she kept saying, smiling a little at the memories they had made back in the Alps, remembering how happy Ava had been those two months they spent together, "And she got to do those things, didn't she? She danced, she visited some places, you both got drunk and danced together, you watched movies, she learned to write", said Mary, as if she could read Beatrice's mind and see that she was thinking of those two months, "It wasn't enough", answered Beatrice, clenching her fists again, "She wanted to run away, she asked me to run away with her, to have that life again, she wanted that", she said, now her voice a little bit louder; Mary started to stroke her hair to try and calm her down once more, which seemed to work.
"It was enough for her, Bea", she replied, "Even if she wanted more, she was happy with the time she lived, you know why?", she asked, waiting for an answer, but all she got in response was a shake of the head, "Because she spent them with you, and she was happy every single day because you were there, I have to admit I'm a little jealous of you", Beatrice nodded her head slowly, not agreeing, but letting Mary know she was heard.
"I had nightmares, about losing Shannon", Mary admitted, "And, sometimes she would be sleeping next to me, and she would wake up as soon as I had them, when I admitted what they were about, she didn't lie. She said that, it was something that could happen, but", she paused to take a deep breath before continuing, "She would always say that I needed to focus on the now and here, she said that, the most important and beautiful part of a trip, is the road, not the destination". She took another deep breath and grabbed one of Beatrice's hands, "I know that you miss Ava and that you would give to bring her back, but don't torture yourself by thinking about her loss, alright? Instead, think of everything you lived together, replay in your mind every happy memory you have of her", she said gently.
"Think about her eyes, or her laugh, what she used to do in the mornings, every strange habit she had, the movies she liked, the songs she liked, remember those night when you danced together, or when you watched a movie, think of every moment you had together and you'll see how happy she was just being alive, being able to move, and being with you. And you'll see that the life you had together for those two months, were enough for her", Mary knew that Beatrice didn't believe that last part, but she was sure that if Ava could speak to them right now, she'd be yelling that it was more than enough. Beatrice's breathing was now relaxed, she was no longer crying, the older woman knew that she would fall asleep any second, so she kept rocking back and forth. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, God", Beatrice admitted after some moments, Mary hummed in response, her eyes closed because of tiredness, "And I'm sorry for hitting you, Mary", she apologized after a few silent seconds, Mary nodded her head and chuckled, "It's fine, I hit you too, we're even", they were not even at all, Mary knew she would have marks from the kick on her leg and ribs, and that she was lucky she didn't have a broken nose, but this wasn't the time for those things. They stayed silent once more.
"I love her", said Beatrice with the little energy she had left in her body, Mary smiled and gently kissed her head, "I know, I love her too, and that's why we're gonna bring her back soon, I promise", she didn't expect the younger girl to believe her, she knew Beatrice's hope was almost inexistent right there and then, but she meant it, they would bring Ava back, no matter how much they had to work for it, they would bring back her sister.
Beatrice fell asleep not too long after that, and Mary shifted just a little bit to get comfier, as comfy as she could be on a stone cold floor against a stone cold wall, but she didn't mind, as long as Beatrice was comfy, it didn't matter. Mary eventually fell asleep too, holding Beatrice close. They woke up around 3 in the morning and decided to go to Mary's room since it was the closest one, they got in bed and Mary once more held Beatrice, knowing the younger woman needed it maybe even more than she needed to eat.
She felt a piece of paper next to the pillow, she took it and tried to read it, which was hard considering she only had the moonlight, but she got to know what it said.
I'm sorry for not being there for you after Shannon's death, and for being an asshole.
Lilith
Mary smiled a little at this, she pocketed the paper in her pocket and went back to sleep, holding her sister and stroking her hair.
That night, even with the pain they both felt, they slept smiling, thinking of all the memories they had with their respective partner. As more memories were coming to their minds, everything that was made of Divinium shined in the room, showing that Ava was with them, and that she missed them as much as they missed her. And that she loved them as much as they loved her. And that she would come back soon to live more with them.
She would come back to continue their trip together.