i can see you
But what would you do if I went to touch you now?
What would you do if they never found us out?
What would you do if we never made a sound?
'Cause I can see you waitin' down the hall from me
And I could see you up against the wall with me
And what would you do, baby, if you only knew?
That I can see you
There is shouting and laughter by the pitch. Lily's father had decided to buy a net last year for the garden. The boys used to spend a lot of time there, passing the ball back and forth. She and Remus, however, made a habit of lying on the freshly cut, cool grass, and soaking up the sun. Remus had never been much interested in sports, since when he was much younger he had an accident riding his bike down the Crema hill. Since then he has had pains in his back and a bit of a limp, although it is hardly visible. His friend often uses it as an excuse to justify the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes, as he says. Now he finds himself with a joint between his teeth, inhaling gently and squinting.
"Remus, can you cut that shit out? It stinks" she rests her head gently on the boy's thighs, looking up.
"It helps me relax," he replies, his voice deepening.
Lily leaves him there. She turns her head to her right, watching the others enjoying themselves on the court. Peter manages to save a smash, sprawling on the grass, staining the fabric of his shirt a greenish hue. Sirius passes the ball to James, waving his hand to the left, Mary notices this exchange and slides to his opposite side, managing to hit the ball before it hits the ground with her forearm. Peter claps behind her.
She smirks, wiping beads of sweat from her forehead, bending her knees to receive the next pass. Lily can't help but notice the confidence of her posture, her defiant gaze, the way the cross necklace stands out above her collarbone and even lower, the fabric of her bikini still damp from her swim in the river, the rosy hue of her cheeks. Lily strokes her hand with her right thumb for a moment.
"I'm going for a drink," the dark haired girl announces before jogging over to where she and Remus are standing.
Lily sits up slightly, stepping to the side as she watches Mary drink an entire glass of juice in one go. She gets up, heading over to where her mother and father are sitting, under the patio umbrella, going to grab a glass as well. Mary appears behind her, stumbling over, resting her palm on Lily's shoulders. Her touch warm, and now her body cold.Lily gives a small gasp, pulling away from the sensation.
The girl holds her in place, digging her fingertips into the muscle next to the back of her neck, drawing circles at her joints. Lily lets out a small huff, throwing her shoulders back.
"Oh, sorry honey, did I hurt you?," Mary asks, pulling away a little and leaving a gap where her hand was a few seconds ago.
"No, I'm fine, don't worry," Lily blurts out, a little annoyed. Certainly, her neck is a little sore now.
"Come here, you're tense," Mary pulls her back to herself, supporting her hands again. Oh, but they're both certainly warmer now, the sun's rays shining on their skin and dragging the heat through the rest of their bodies." Relax".
"I am relaxed," Lily complains, pushing her hair out of her back, tossing it aside and arching her torso a little as her fingers sink back into her skin.
Mary lets out a small laugh, turning to Remus, who is still lying down.
"Look, touch here," she orders, reaching for Remus' hand and placing it on her back. The calluses on his fingers slide, following Mary's hand, and now Lily feels uncomfortably exposed. "See, she's stiffer than a stick."
"Oh, yes, you should relax more," Lily can feel Remus smirk behind her back.
"Well, I'm certainly not going to use your methods for that," the girl turns around, snorting in the face of her friend, who chuckles under his breath.
On the way inside her house, Lily avoids her parents' gaze.
...
The sun dips below the horizon and a gentle breeze whips the leaves of the peach trees. Everyone has been gone for a while, and Lily is sitting on the terrace, crouched in her chair with a book half-open on the table. The words are mingling and her head is spinning. Suddenly, Lily loses interest in the reading, even in its general outline, and she steps back slightly, resting her hands on the glass. She feels a knot in her shoulders, a kind of pressure seeping deep into her muscles, which is strange, because massages are meant to release tension, and this has only made it worse. Lily wasn't even in pain until this morning.
A figure appears behind the door. Mary comes up behind her, her curls falling like dominoes, her breath on the back of Lily's neck. The girl leaps forward, gripping the edges of the table with some force, as if on the edge of a cliff.
"What are you reading?," she asks, a smile forming on her lips that Lily is pretty sure she's doing.
"Right now, actually, not much," she exhales loudly, a vapour struggling to escape her mouth.
"So what are you thinking about?"
Lily swivels her chair and turns around, holding Mary's sharp gaze until she can stand it no longer. The sweet song of crickets chirping a melody among the ferns, and now the girl finds a greyish hue deep in her irises. And she stops holding the table, the palms of her hands a little sweaty. She hides them between her thighs, a lump in her throat. Lily certainly isn't thinking about anything, but at the same time, it feels like her head is scheming, plotting something without her.
"Nothing. Private," she replies, blinking several times and turning back to the book, looking at the pages, ink printed on paper, the corners of the pages folded at the edges.
A mere cursory glance, because right now she's not reading at all.
"Ah, so you're not going to tell me"- a small chuckle, and then she's resting her fingers on Lily's right arm, just for a few moments, though Lily is counting the seconds, trying to make a point."Okay, sweetie, I'm going with your parents".
But Mary's not leaving. At least, not immediately. The girl stays where she is, behind the chair. The sounds of the night envelop them, so there's no need to fill the silence. Lily doesn't know how much time passes, it varies from seconds to a minute. But finally Mary turns towards the door, and the girl is able to breathe again.
...
"May I ask your opinion?" Mary lies down on the tiles of the fountain, holding out her hand and offering a sheet of paper to Lily, who takes it, "Does this make any sense to you?"
Lily doesn't understand nomenclature, or Latin, or the things her father studies, so she shrugs and smiles between her lips.
"Well, maybe it made sense when you wrote it," she gives it back to her, sitting down with her feet under the water. A pause.
"That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the last few months, thank you darling," Mary puts her hands to her face and grunts under her breath. "Oh, I'm so tired."
Lily folds her arms and lets out a small laugh, slightly discomposed by Mary's reaction.
I thought you didn't care about anything I had to say. I thought maybe you hated me.
"I'm going out today", Lily has no idea why she said that, but she did.
"You are? I could use a break. Please don't tell your father," she smiles, turning to look at her.
Today, Lily is feeling strangely invigorated.
...
The dance floor fills up as the tarantella comes to an end. Someone puts on a record by a foreign singer and many get up to dance. Mary tries to drag Lily along, but finally gives up when Sirius offers to join her. Lily is left sitting with Remus and James, sipping on a drink with a calm mind. Peter is talking to a girl from another town near the bar and Remus is very attentive to this, sucking on the butt of his cigarette as he chuckles under his breath.
"Isn't that Sabina? James, isn't she, like, five years older than us," questions the boy, pointing at his friend.
The bespectacled boy takes a big gulp.
"I don't think he'll mind," he points out, looking amused, and they both laugh.
Lily steps back and returns her attention to Sirius and Mary, who are now in the centre of the floor, under the spotlights that are glowing with coloured lights. The girl is wearing a pretty crimson dress that highlights her skin, and open heels that elevate her above Sirius' height. Sirius is now clutching at Mary's waist, both of them moving a little closer together. The girl's hips swaying to the music, back and forth. Lily is watching.
"Hey, look at those two!" comments James, now concentrating his attention on the couple, who are moving through the crowd gracefully, Mary whispering something in the boy's ear.
The girl nods, somewhat absently, raising her glass to her lips and noticing the hint of a headache. Remus, beside her, also drinks deeply.
"Mio caro, Evans, would you like to dance?," asks James, turning to her and holding out his hand, a smile plastered on his face.
Lily is too drunk to refuse. She glances briefly over at Mary, who is now in Sirius's arms, breaking a kiss on his lips. Lily rises abruptly, feeling a twinge of pain in her chest, a prick that makes her stomach boil, as her blood rushes. They both slip through the crowd, making their way, holding hands.
...
Lily has no idea how they get to that point. She finds herself giggling endlessly, shrinking into herself. The steps grow longer and longer, and her mind flickers slowly. There is a firm arm around her hip, and it is none other than James Potter. His rosy cheeks and goofy grin. Glasses slide down his cheeks and she has another fit of giggles. They don't speak when they both decide to peel off their clothes at the edge of the lake. Nor do they speak when Lily turns around and removes her shirt, followed by unbuttoning her skirt. The girl notices James' intense gaze on her back and smiles. She turns around, somewhat exposed, and crosses her arms with a shrug. James pushes aside his clothes and looks at her. Lily knows that look. Lily knows very well what's going on. And right now it seems like a brilliant fact to her.
The night sky looms over them, and the lake is now barely visible, but they have no qualms about stepping into the cold water. James leads her in and they both stumble, splashing each other with screams. After a while, they both sit on the ground, shivering. James picks up his T-shirt from the ground and hands it to Lily, who quickly pulls it on, hugging herself and trying to get warm. The boy stands a few paces away, legs crossed. Lily stares straight ahead, a beam of heat surging through every part of her body, and James looks away from time to time, concentrating on the floor.
"Domani. Crema. Noi. Che ne dici?" he manages to say, under his breath, finally facing Lily.
"Okay, James, you can come to my place tomorrow," the girl mumbles, still staring at her reflection in the ripples of the water.
James seems satisfied with this. The girl feels the heat rise in the back of her neck. They have been going round in circles for a long time. Signs, messages, things that drop that unmistakable truth. The one they can't run away from now. Or, at least, Lily can't find a way out.
And right now it seems like such a good idea to approach James, just crawling a little, dropping all her weight on her shoulder and joining her lips with his, fleshy, almost like drinking directly from the nectar of a sunbeam, it's light, and it's not loneliness, it's a comforting, warm embrace that envelops her, making her feel just like a girl like any other. It lasts only a second, Lily doesn't go any deeper. It's a caress. The boy's glasses are slightly askew, his eyes widen and his lips are half-open, forming the ghost of a kiss.
Lily is completely at peace.
There is a small voice in her head, little more than an echo.
Is it enough?
Lily looks away.
"Alright...," his voice a little raspy, James sighs a little too loudly, "I'll pick you up tomorrow."
He stands up, helping the girl from falling, gently holding her up. The moon shimmers over his dimples.
"Do you want me to walk you home or something," he asks, stroking his thumb over her index finger, before quickly removing his touch, as if Lily is on fire. The girl wonders why he can't touch her some more.
"Ah, I'm fine, James," the girl assures him, smiling a little, trying to show that she's not about to fall to the ground. Her feet unsteady a little.
The boy lets out a laugh, nudging her in the side, before he waves goodbye. His eyes locked on hers, his bearing trembling, though he hides it. Lily stands still.
"Ci vediamo dolcezza!," he recites, disappearing into the thicket.
Lily sits back down in front of the lake, grabbing her legs and holding them. She smiles to herself, trying to quell the slight discomfort in her chest.
...
Remus stretches out on the sofa, yawning, as Lily runs her fingertips over his temple, gently stroking the waves of his hair. Light bathes the tiles of the living room.
"So you're with him," his eyes close, diluting with touch. "James finally made it?"
"He hasn't made anything," Lily clarifies, sighing deeply. "And we're not together, together."
"So just hanging out" - a small laugh under his breath. Lily tugs at his hair and Remus sits up, holding his hand to his head with a grunt. "Which is fine, by the way. You know this is just for the summer, that's good."
The girl really tried not to think about that too often. August is coming, like a reminder, a slight breeze hovering over their lives on pause. It's their last summer before they become adults, before they leave childhood behind and start living, out of their idyll.
"I know" she looks away.
Silence falls between them, and Lily concentrates on the fold of her trousers, fiddling with a loose thread. There is a beeping sound from outside the courtyard and Lily stands up, looking out of the window. Sirius is lounging on his bike, grinning broadly.
"You had a good time last night, I heard" Lily jokes, leaning her elbow on the window sill.
The girl still has the image of two bodies dancing on the dance floor, close together, almost brushing against each other, and then turning towards each other. Mary's heels rising and turning gracefully, her hips swaying to the music. Lily buries that memory as deep as she can, trotting at the edges of her subconscious.
"So you did," the boy replies, lifting his chin, proudly. Lily feels a small twinge in the pit of her stomach. "Hey... Evans... Do you know if Mary's here?"
Mary. Lily feels a little nauseous.
"In town, probably? Look for her yourself, Black," the girl draws the curtains, waving goodbye to the boy with a brief gesture and heading back into the drawing room.
Sirius shouts something at her, but Lily turns a deaf ear and collapses back onto the sofa, settling herself on Remus's shoulder. She sighs too loudly, and he stirs.
"Who was that?"
"Sirius," she replies, squinting hard, dizzy now. "He must really like her".
"Oh, right" Remus sits stiffly, his shoulders squaring. "Mary is Mary".
Oh, Lily is not feeling well at all. Her tummy cramps and her head spins with every thought, every moment, every memory. Sometimes Lily hates having such a good memory.
"Isn't she such a great dancer?"
...
Lily moves towards her room, passing down the corridor. On top of a chest of drawers is a book rather worn from use, the pages bent at the corner and the spine cracked. The girl runs a finger through it and then opens it. There is a note on the inside front cover. Lily reads it.
When I feel, oh, god knows I put my heart into it. And with it I burn, I extinguish and turn to ashes. There are some things that remain the same only by changing. And then I cease to exist, because I've felt so much, and I don't want to see anything anymore.
She closes the book, but not before turning the corner of the page.