Chapter 1
He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. He was gone, after all this time, he was really gone…
Bucky had just gotten back to his flat… from Steve’s funeral. His funeral. Bucky let out a strangled sob, and his eyes burned. Stop, He told himself, You’ve done enough of that. He’d needed to leave the funeral early- hearing all these people talk about Steve, in the past tense, was just too much. Bucky had really wanted to stay to the end, but just couldn’t stomach it, because
Steve
was
gone.
His throat began to burn, and he could feel the tears coming back again. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want his chest to contract and have his lungs rip out of his chest for air. He didn’t want to sob, alone, in his dreary old apartment on his broken mattress. He didn’t want to have painful memories flood into his mind, and tears flood into his eyes.
He didn’t want to remember, because if he remembered, then he would know that it was the last time it would ever happen. But he couldn’t stop it, the memories swarmed him, like sharks on bait.
Him and Steve would never go and get ice cream again.
He would never get to hug him again.
He would never get to make it up to Steve for what he did as the Winter Soldier.
He would never see that bright smile that would light up every room it walked into again, because
Steve.Was.Dead.
Gone.
Bucky let the paper bag fall from his shaking hand onto the counter and fell onto his bed. He didn’t have the energy to get changed, nor could he care. He couldn’t care to think about anything, when there was only one thing on his mind.
Steve.
Not for the first time, Bucky cried himself to sleep,
And he didn’t think it would be the last.