He’s on his own now, huh? A funny feeling, when all the people you know abandon you, when they betray you after you decided to trust them, finally. When you think you, after all this time, have a real family, someone you love and who loves you, you regain that tiny bit of hope, that maybe life isn’t as hard as it seems, that you have someone real to support you.
RJ, he’s been wrong all this time, he thought he finally had a family, but, well, a family is weird, because it’s so easy for it to shatter into the smallest pieces.
So, yes, he is on his own. The world is big, and he’s just a teenager, too scared, too insignificant to live in it alone.
Sure, he misses Bucky, he misses Tony, Sharon and Alpine, but maybe it’s the idea of them that he longs for more than the actual people. Because they’ve proved him that they’re just like every other human; disappointing. Cold. A fucking monster.
Maybe it’s him; maybe he doesn’t deserve to have a real family. Maybe it’s because of who he used to be; but he swears that he isn’t that person anymore; he wouldn’t kill anyone now. Not ever again.
He misses his dad. He was RJ’s only biological family, and a part of his bigger one. But there’s no one, no one to support him now. On his own, again. This time without HYDRA to show him the way, but what’s different? He’s going to guide himself, he is not going to show how wrecked and afraid he really is, but on the inside, on the inside it really hurts to know that the people he’d been confiding in for quite a long time, they turned out to be just a hoax, someone who he shouldn’t associate with anymore; because it would only bring him more ache somewhere deep, deep in his heart, in his chest.
He feels it every time when he has to sleep on the street, every time he wants a hug or just a word of reassurance, every time when he’s hungry and doesn’t have any money left. But he won’t come back to a pack of murderers just because of this. Yes, that’s what they are; fucking murderers, nothing more. He finally found a part of his family, and they just… they killed. This is all they know. Assassinating the only good thing in his life.
Yeah. So he lives on the streets. Has for some time now. sometimes eats from a dumpster. Sometimes breaks down on a pavement, but it’s all okay. Sometimes he doesn’t sleep at all, because the night feels too petrifying and too dangerous; something, someone waiting for him around every corner, threatening to hurt him, and he really doesn’t want to hurt anymore.
He doesn’t want to do anything anymore, to be honest. He just. He wishes for all of this to stop. He wishes for a real family, just for one day of his life to be happy and true. Why can’t he just have that?
He hasn’t changed his clothes for weeks, and he feels so, so dirty, but maybe it suits him. Maybe this is what he’s become. Alone, and filthy, and betrayed.
It’s raining, and the clouds are so heavy, it feels like they’re projecting into him; because he too feels heavy, burdened with way too many horrible things, things that he shouldn’t have done, that shouldn’t happen to a fourteen year old boy, but they did, and now all he has left is weep, mourn the life he could’ve had.
He realizes he’s started shaking at some point; the temperature keeps reminding him that it’s fall already. Summer has passed by just like that, and all he’s left with is water falling out of the sky; out of heaven's gates he’ll never be allowed to see.
He pulls his knees to his chest, hugging them as tightly as he can; he wishes for even just a jacket, anything that could keep him warm when his outside is freezing along with his long gone heart.
And if he cries, then who cares? He’s just a kid, why would he cry? He’s probably had a quarrel with his parents and now his rebellious side is showing, right? Nothing to be worried about.
Bucky has never been a fan of thunderstorms; they remind him of gunshots. Even though they don’t sound familiar in any way, they’re still too loud for his liking. And lethal. Just like bullets that he’s used many times before, and it was mostly for bad things, it was all for bad things, because they don’t ever mean anything good to him.
Outside, it is raining. He watches it all from his home, warm, with a cup of tea in his hands, with Alpine on his knees, and he should be enjoying that, but he can’t stop stressing out.
Sure, RJ is long gone, but he still wishes he could do something more. It isn’t his choice to make, by no means. But if he just had a chance to apologize, to bring the boy back, he would; immediately.
He can’t stop his mind from considering all the what if s; what if RJ is somewhere out there, on the rain, getting sick as Bucky sits inside, completely cozy and comfortable? What if RJ is hungry and he doesn’t have anything; Bucky would welcome him with a warm meal right away, even if his cooking isn’t all that good. He’d make all the sweetest and tastiest food in the world, all that for that little boy who reminds him too much about himself, but at the same time is unique, his very own person with very own feelings; feelings Bucky has hurt so badly, something he’ll never forgive himself for.
What if, what if… if RJ is dead. God, please, no. He doesn’t want to think about it, but his brain just won’t let go; because the boy is strong and smart, but what if something goes wrong and he just… and Bucky won’t even be there to help him. And he’s ready to give that kid the whole world; the whole universe with all its treasures. With all the love and happiness. But he can’t do it if RJ refuses his help; he can’t do it against his will, but fuck, Bucky is so concerned he could leave right now, ready to search the earth and beyond just to find the kid, give him a safe and warm and full of love place to live.
He knows, he realizes all the things he’s done wrong, he knows that RJ probably won’t ever forgive him, but fuck, this is all he wishes for, and he hopes for a sky full of shooting stars so he can use all his wishes to just have a chance to talk to RJ.
But the thing is, the thing is that RJ never comes back. All the times Bucky prays to the gods above, they’re for nothing, because the boy is gone for good, and Bucky knows how much he failed, and all he can hope every day is for RJ to just be safe, to find himself someone who’ll love him and will guard him from all the pain this world holds; because Bucky, although he loves his kid, caused too much of that pain, so he isn’t the one to save RJ.
But then again, it’s never really been about saving anyone, after all.