Say the Word
Clarence stumbles in, carrying a bottle Oh boohoo, Halgenderogh won't be here, such a big deal, you know what's worse? Baseball player Mike Truk is gone! He went on a Spaceship this morning, apparently he "has a game to play back on Animal Planet" (which is my home planet).
Sure, I have his number, but do you think I can afford interplanetary texts? I can barely afford alcohol! And now I can't even turn on TV because the only free channel is the sports channel, where they're showing baseball coverage... Well that and the antique channel, but I don't care about that, I'd rather shovel packing peanuts into my mouth.
Emerald: Sounds like a hay of a problem, friend. Why not have some oatmeal?
Clarence: Ew. He continues drinking non-specific alcoholic beverage
Emerald: Fine, more for me! Not my fault I'm the only equine in the joint!
Clarence: I mean, you could've holidayed wherever horses would actually want to go. Does your lot still have horse races, or do you just call them races?
Emerald: I guess? There's the Running of the Leaves, where everypony runs in a big race so all the leaves will fall off the trees.
Clarence: Don’t they just fall naturally?
Emerald: What? No, of course not! That's only in the Everfree Forest, which can't be weather-managed on account of all the chaos magic infesting the place. The rest of Equus' weather is run by the pegasi, as it has been for millennia.
Clarence: Run… Run the weather… why? Whatever. he makes a note in his notebook
Emerald shrugs. Not a whole lot of pre-unification documentation has survived, either because record-keeping wasn't really a thing before then, or Discord intentionally "misplaced" stuff during the Age of Chaos. We just do it 'cause that's how it's always been.
Sixteen: Clarence me old mate! Tell you what, I can do some jiggery pokery with your mobile phone so that you can contact Mike Truk
Clarence: Really?
Sixteen: Yes!
Clarence: he hands over his phone, inexplicably a Nokia
Sixteen: sonics Clarence’s phone, hands it back to him There you go. Universal roaming, free of charge.
Clarence: Thank you so much! I don't know what I can ever do to repay you... Anyway, they don't allow phone calls on space shuttles, so I still have like a week and a bit until I can phone him, so... He continues to be an alcoholic
Suddenly, The Mighty Pchib finds himself absorbed by an alarmingly ugly creature known as the Russorbaloff!
Russ: Argh, what a strange taste that thing had. But now I have his powers. I am ready for conquest!
Emerald stares at the place where Pchib had been, takes off her glasses, rubs her eyes, then puts her glasses back on again. Okay, what the buck is going on here? This place gets weirder by the day...
Russ: I think he mentioned me. He had no idea I was plotting to absorb him.
Emerald: You gonna absorb the rest of us too?
Russ: I could, but I can show some restraint I think.
Emerald: Good. Otherwise I was about ready to turn you into a pincushion.
Harley pops out from behind a service panel. Aw, where'd the nice writer man go? I loved his stories.
Russ: You’ll like mine better!!
Harley: They had such good titles...
Emerald lets out a startled whinny and falls off her chair. Do not spook the horse!
Harley: Sorry miss pony! I try to be as unobtrusive as possible, usually.
Clarence: he tears out his Pchib note page So, question, does absorbing someone count as, like... Murder?
Russ: Not exactly, Steven and Pchib are still alive as part of me. If I die, they both die with me.
Harley: How romantic.
Clarence: That’s a bit fucked up actually.
Emerald: Yeah, what the elephant said.
Sixteen: What are you, some sort of Absorbathon?
Russ: Abzorbaloff!
Harley: Would you mind signing my Widecathedral DVD? Since you're technically also Pchibs...
Russ: Pchib’s hand sticks out from Russ’s left butt-cheek. Make it quick Harley, this takes a lot of energy.
Harley: Oh, that's... alright. Harley reluctantly holds the DVD out to Russ's butt. …I'm slightly regretting asking.
Emerald: Oh Holy Celestia, that's disgusting... And I can't even vomit! Emerald runs off, looking green as can be.
Russ: Ughhh, that’s a sharply painful experience. He breathes in. I think I need a lie down. I’ll be back later.
Clarence: Oh no, it's fine, you can just... Stay away, like, permanently if you want.
Harley: I think I might burn this DVD. Like, in a fire.
Clarence: Could you burn it on your computer first? I want to watch it, but I don't want to give Pchib money... Wait, does Russell own his bank account now? I still don't want him to get money.
Harley: Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to do that. Don't wanna get into trouble for giving out illegal copies of hit crime dramas, haha! Forget I was here! Harley scuttles off into the walls.
Emerald returns, looking much better. Well, that was awful. Let’s not do that again!
[Pchib’s voice, speaking from Russ’s rear end] Sorry Emerald, I’m not stuck down here by choice remember!!
Russ: Shut up Pchib. You don’t have permission to speak.
Emerald sighs. Any chance you can transmogrify yourself into a more… uh… pleasant shape?
Russ: This is my true form. Isn’t it elegant?
Emerald: Not really, no.
Russ: Well at least I’m not a filthy slitheen!!
Clarence: You still have the "filthy" part though.
Emerald: And a Slitheen is…
Russ: Criminal scum! I’m from their twin planet but I don’t associate with them. They’re filthy!!
Emerald: Pot calling the kettle black, much?
Hinesly: eying him up And how many limbs do you have, good sir?
Russ: Two arms and two legs. I’m an alien, not a biblically accurate angel.
Hinesly: PASS!
Emerald: Aren’t we all aliens anyway?
Russ: You’re all aliens to me unless you’re from Clom!
Clarence: I’m an Elephant.
Emerald: And like I said to your predecessor, I’m from Equus. And after how the last week has gone, I wish I’d stayed there.
Clarence: Hey, at least it can't get any worse than this
Emerald facepalms. Seriously, dude? That’s when Dr. Caballeron shows up and starts shouting about how Daring Do is trapped.
Clarence: Yeah, well I'll be drunk by then
Russ: You don’t need to tell me. I absorbed all his knowledge. He can read my thoughts too, but if I suck him back in just right he can’t say anything.
Emerald: Are they all like this where you come from?
Russ: We all crave knowledge and the taste of the best of the many worlds of the universe. I’ll try to contain myself here, but I advise you don’t make contact with me or you may get sucked in. Once absorbed, the process is irreversible.
Emerald: Believe me pal, I ain’t going anywhere near you. The last thing the universe needs is an Absorbaloff with pony magic.
Russ: I can only imagine how good a magical pony would taste if I absorbed one. I must resist it. I promised Tilly when she let me stay here in Pchib’s place that I wouldn’t absorb any of the other visitors.
Clarence: For some reason you remind me of the worst people in the Doctor Moo fandom
Russ: Why would anyone use a name like Doctor Moo?
Clarence: Well, they were a cow up until they got David Tennant the Duck to play him for some reason
Russ: The Doctor looks like David Tennant. Just think about the Doctor. Oh, how will they taste? All that experience, all that knowledge. And if I've got to absorb Harley or Emerald to get to them, then so be it!
Emerald: Oh no you don’t, pal! Breathe on me and I’ll… Ponyfeathers, I forgot my magic doesn’t work here. Buck.
Clarence: I agree with you on the Doctor kinda looking like David Tennant, I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. Disagree with that other stuff about eating them though, that's a bit weird Russell.
Russ: It’s the way my species operates. Abzorbaloffs do that to their food. We absorb and consume! Humans for instance taste like chicken. I must resist that instinct while I’m here.
Emerald: You remind me of changelings… they eat by absorbing love from their prey.
Clarence: I’ve had a few boyfriends like that
Harley: Uh, you won’t have to go through me, I don’t really know the Doctor. I’ll step aside. I mean, ideally don’t absorb anyone, but you know.
Russ: Tilly has allowed me to stay here for the time being in Pchib’s place, that’s conditional on not absorbing anyone else without her express say-so.
Emerald rolls her eyes.That’s comforting. I’m sure she’s just waiting to feed me to you.
Russ: I’m sure if I absorb you it will taste amazing!! But restraint must win the day. If you die perhaps she’d feed you to me.
Emerald: Mm. Won’t get my magic though, will ya?
Clarence: Oh of course you’re friends with Tilly swigs non-specific alcoholic beverage
Herder: Suddenly falls through the aquarium floor of the glass sushi bar on the next floor, landing with an almighty splat face-down on the freshly-mopped floor
Herder lies there for several minutes, unconscious and mumbling obscenities
Emerald:Uh… Commander? Emerald tries to wake them up. You okay?
Clarence: They’ll be fine, not the first solid surface they've fallen through.
Herder groans from amidst the flapping fish, then slowly raises their head Uuuuuuuuuuurggggg… It is I, Commander Hurdygurdy. Executive officer of the SSV… Derek… F7 ranking member of the Feline Appliance… veteran of the Cyborg… Chinwag wars and ever reluctant saviour of… of… VibeShitty
Herder falls unconscious again
Hinesly: Snatches up one of the fish, swallows it whole.
Clarence: Herder, buddy, your health is low, do you have any potions? Or food?
Kyla: picks Herder up and carries them to the same couch Kyla put the Doctor on, coincidentally
Clarence: Oh, Kyla! I saw the Doctor, they looked alive though they had a different accent... Did you leave the review?
Herder cracks their eyes open It’s all good daddy-o, my health regenerates over time, just give me a minute… or eighty
Harley: Are you kidding me I just cleaned that aquarium yesterday I’m gonna— Harley composes themself, muttering a few curses under their breath before moving to sweep away the bits of shattered glass.
Herder: Hmmm sofa… cosy… but smells of hair gel and… custard… creams…
Harley: Through gritted teeth. It’s fine I love my job. This is fine.
Herder: Sorry bud… I’ll make it up to you… I didn’t mean to… break it… was trying to… falls unconscious yet again
Kyla: Oh sorry, I'm honored you would compare me to the dashing beautiful Kyla-82 Verger, but I am just Mary the humble Radar Technician!
Clarence: Okay "Mary"... Did you leave the review though? And you promised you'd give me a tip.
Kyla: Why, my friend Kyla just happened to give me this money to give you as a tip, and did leave a max-star review
Harley slaps the commander’s face with a wet rag. Hey, wake up. Please don’t be dead.
Herder ragdolls and randomly spasms, clipping through the sofa
Harley: Oh geez oh god. I didn’t mean to do that!
Russ: Careful Herder! Watch out.
Clarence: Hey Herder, want some of this? Offers Herder some non-specific alcoholic beverage
Russ: Commander Herder, we haven’t been introduced but I know from absorbing Pchib’s knowledge you and he didn’t get on. His politics were weird. Don’t judge me by them. Your natural inclination towards violence strikes a chord with me!
Clarence: Your politics involve it being okay to absorb people
Russ: That’s not politics, that’s nutrition.
Herder despawns
Clarence: More for me then. Finishes bottle
Russ: Imagine this ability to spawn and despawn at will! If I absorb you I will be happy to have it. I promise not to unless Tilly permit me.
Herder respawns and trots into their midst as if nothing happened How’s it going?
Looks down at the ground And where in the fresh hell did all of these fish come from?
Emerald: Hey Commander, good to see you up and about again. The fish came when you fell through the ceiling.
Herder, noticing Russ: Fuck me it’s a hideous blood-curdling Ploob! Herder readies their gun and tries to shoot, but it sputters pitifully
Russ: That’s racist!!
Harley sighs and picks up one of the fish. I don’t understand what just happened but I might as well get some lunch in.
Herder: Oh… yeah… that
Clarence: Glad you're alright, I was worried about you! How did you get in there anyway?
Herder: Isn’t it obvious? I was getting some sushi. No one would tell me how to open the tanks to get to the fish though so I set off a seismic charge to break the glass. I forgot it was also the floor
Elton: Don’t go breaking the floor, commander 😩
Herder: Bit late for that
Clarence: Ah… Well, at least you got Sushi
Herder: Looks at the dead fish all over the floor I think the five second rule has elapsed
Clarence: And? You can just eat them, you won't get too sick.
Harley continues to gobble up floor fish.
Clarence: The janitor thinks it's fine, and I'd think a janitor would know how dirty the floors are at any given moment
Harley: Oh, I just have low standards when it comes to food. Janitor wages aren’t very high, so. Ya gotta make do.
Clarence: Your standards aren't too low, society's standards are too high! What maniac would make eating leftover takeaway food more of a crime than eating caviar?
Tilly: Harley!! Sooooo great to see you hard at work, but--- eating on the job, in front of all the guests and passengers! Unacceptable behaviour! Only high-ranking staff members such as myself are allowed to do that! We'll talk about this later. 💫
Elton: Great big absorbing thing from outer space and you’re having a go at Harley?
Russ: Harley upset Tilly’s mum. Only Tilly can upset Tilly’s mum.
Tilly: Oh yeah, Russell has full permission to be here :) He is an honoured guest and new writer-in-residence!
Harley stops mid-munch. Mff tell— They spit out the fish. Miss Tilly! I didn't—I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again!
Clarence: I’d much rather you replaced Pchib with a new guest entirely
Russ: The meal of Pchib and Steven was too tempting. Tilly and I had a word as soon as I arrived in Pchib’s place and said I could stay as long as I didn’t absorb anyone else.
Harley: They hurriedly start sweeping the fish into a garbage bag.
Tilly: You’re soooooo right that it won't! Cos if it does, you'll be out of a job, and on the first shuttle out of here! Soooooo great to see that we're on the same page about this! :D
Russ: I’ve been chasing those targets for a long time. Pchib being a guest of vibecity was unfortunate timing, he should’ve kept running after he left Ranskaro. He stayed still, the fool!
Tilly: It’s also conditional on you writing better stories than Pchib did! The Great Sweat likes the stories you used to tell 15 or so years ago, so if you could just tell those again, but, like, make them feel like they're new, that would be just fab!
[Pchib’s face emerges]
I’m not running away!
[Steven’s face emerges]
I wrote that scene in my edits, you plagiariser!
[Both are sucked back in]
Russ: Uuurrrrgh! Sorry about that. They have some autonomy in there, but hopefully not enough to undermine my own integrity.
Elton: Writing stories better than Pchib isn’t exactly a daunting task tbf
Russ: Say no more, pal!
Elton: I watched episode 1 and episode 8 of Widecathedral and didn’t feel like I missed anything!
Tilly: Oh, I never actually watched Widecathedral myself! I just read an article that said it was "prestige", so I hired Pchib on that basis! What a silly sausage I was back then, haha!
Chromia speaks up from the corner where she's been watching everything this whole time I was initially a bit concerned about Pchibs based on how he wrote certain characters' interiority (or lack thereof) on Douseleaf but at that time everyone told me that I was overly worried for no reason because of the work on Widecathedral
Elton: I hear the episodes he did of Death on Venus were okay
Russ: He wrote some decent episodes of Douseleaf like Afloat, Citycide, and Pieces.
Tilly: I liked Entry Heals
Russ: I hear good things about Birthed and Loaf as well.
Elton: The less said about Electroman the better
Clarence: I thought he was kind of annoying, but at least I was honest about it. I wonder if, now that he's effectively dead, people will become more open about their distaste...
Elton: Fancy putting a robot in a Speedo!
Russ: Shag Shag Boom Boom was a hoot as well.
Tilly: Oh yeah, with that woman off Duffy the Werewolf Reviver!
Russ: She was great as Corporal Joan Brane.
Clarence, to Chromia: Greetings by the way, I've seen you around but I don't believe I've met you at all, he hands Chromia a business card
Chromia: I believe I met you on the first day we all arrived here, Investigator Monroe. But thank you for the business card.
Elton: I was more into the Suzie Joan Chronicles tbh
Russ: I still think Schoolroom was overrated. How that got six seasons and a movie I will never know.
Clarence: Apologies, I was probably drunk then
Chromia: I see
Tilly: Ahhh, a deserved success! Isn't the free market just fab? 😌
Kyla: Personally I really liked F.I.D.O and Friends
Clarence: Is that what you lot had instead of Prime-8 and Partners?
Kyla: Oh, yes, it was the spin off version where they designed a new version of the lead and shot it on a different planet but tried to pretend it was the same place.
Clarence: Ah… I always wondered why it didn’t look like a dog. he weighs up his payment Probably good for a bottle or two. See you around, I’m gonna drink myself headless. he exits
Kyla:…how can you... what?
Clarence: yells as he’s leaving IT’S A SAYING, I don’t mean it literally.
Meanwhile, Emerald went back to reading her book at some point in the last few hours. Clarence is a nice guy, but he says weird things. And drinks a bit too much.
Kyla: goes over to a radar station and frustratingly seems to know how to fix it
mumbles I guess since I'm here why not... now where are those diodes...
Emerald: What’s a diode do, Mary? We don't exactly have radar in my neck of the woods.
Kyla: holds one up A diode is a two-terminal electronic component that conducts current primarily in one direction, it has low resistance in one direction, and high resistance in the other. They're important in a lot of electrical devices.
Emerald: Oh neat! Sounds like something Sci-Sparks would know a lot about then, she's into science and technology.
Kyla: nods it's similar to how uh, a space knight might need to know how to regulate the energy flow in their laser sword. I'm sure your friend Sci-Sparks would have a good handle on it.
Emerald nods! I bet Kyla knows a lot about this stuff too, she's such a fascinating person!
Kyla: putting the fake voice on extra hard oh yes, I hear that not only is Kyla-82 super strong, but she's also a whizz with technology. What a cool person everyone should be friends with.
Emerald nods some more! She's wonderful, whenever I talk to her I learn something new! It's been a long time since I've felt like that around anypo... anyone. I'd love to get to know her better, after this is over.
Kyla: After our pleasant stay here in VibeCity is over? Why I'm sure she'd love to get your contact information. Of course I will be staying here, as a city employee who is not a knight leading an exciting and cool life traveling around.
Emerald: What, they don't give you vacation time in this place? That's... actually not all that surprising. Tilly would probably say something about vacations being a privilege only the Great Sweat can afford.
Kyla: pulling out phone, hastily googling uhh.... uhhh .... no we do get vacation time squints and competitive overtime with those lovers in GloomTown. Huh. Whatever that means.
Emerald: GloomTown, huh? Sounds like the happiest place on... some planet or other.
Kyla: Sounds like it has bad vibes.
Emerald: Can’t be worse than the vibes I've picked up from this place since I got here. Kyla, Piglet, Mia, Elton, the Commander, and Emz have all been great, but the rest... askin' for a rainbow to the face, if you catch my drift.
Kyla: I heard that rainbows to the face could be dangerous to users of dark space magic, be careful throwing them around!
Emerald holds her hands up. Sorry, no necklaces or big crown thingies here. If you want those, you'll want my ex. I'm just a mare who likes to rock 'til the sun comes up.
Later That Evening…
Excerpt from transcript of black box recording of unidentified starship, transmitted from vessel's last known location:
'Okay, okay, so we've secured [static]. R7, prepare to make the jump to hyperspace as soon as possible, we need to get the hell out of here before-' [irritated beeping] 'Yes, I know you're going as fast as you can! But could you just go a little faster? Pleeaaaase? For me? You know I'm your favourite organic life form, just give it a little more-' [fond whirring] 'Thank you. That's better.'
'Now then...just charting the course aaaaand- [alarm blaring], oh, for heaven's sake, not pirates, not *now*! R7 are you nearly done?' [vexed beeping] 'Okay I'm going to have to take evasive maneuvers! I'll try spinning, that's a good trick. If maybe also a lil nauseating...whoooo! Aaaaaaaand again, whee! Oh this is kinda fun-' [frantic beeping] 'We're done? Right, let's do this, hyperspace in in five...four...thr-[CRASH]. Wuh-oh. That can't be good. R7? R7 what's the d-oh fuuuuuuu-'[long static]
RECORDING END.
A small starship emerges from hyperspace high in the space above VibeCity, her engines are aflame, pieces are breaking away from the wings but the bulk of the ship containing the cockpit is speeding towards the atmosphere at a terrifying speed and its pilot tries desperately to brake...she begins to slow down marginally as she enters the stratosphere but is still going much faster than advisable for someone heading more or less directly towards the ground.
With a last desperate pull, the pilot manages to more or less upright the ship as she careens through the troposphere but it's too late to avert a crash-she lands with an absolutely sickening crunch… the cockpit rolls across the ground before finally coming to a stop. The pilot, a female green creature with two tail-like appendages sprouting from her head lies motionless, still in her seat, her helmet cracked and bleeding from behind her left ear.......
Kyla: Runs toward the crashed ship, then ducks into a bathroom and runs out in her pitch black clothing like evil superman, and rushes to aid in the rescue of the pilot
Number One: [Stirs briefly] Mmrrr, wh-where...? [slips back into unconsciousness]
Kyla: tries to open the cockpit, and then cuts the latch open with her laser sword, and pulls the pilot out "Hey--HEY can you hear me? Are you awake? Stay with me now."
Number One: [eyelids flicker] ...wozzat? [groans, notices sticky feeling on back of her head and gingerly touches it with her left hand, realising she's bleeding] ...Ow.
Kyla: Is there anyone else in the ship? Oh geez that's not good. rips part of her black cloak off, then pulls your helmet off and wraps it around your head as a bandage That'll do for now.
Number One: N-no…I don't think so...ooh my head hurts...thank you...
Kyla: picks her up, making sure to grab her helmet and any obvious personal effects I'll get you back to the city where someone can get you proper medical attention, just hold on.
begins to rush toward Vibe City (TM)
when she gets inside the city
Doctor! Where can I find a doctor?
Number One: [weakly] Doc...tor?
Kyla is flummoxed by the city, not understanding that things work purely by when some people are online or not, eventually she sets her down on a couch, like what always seems to happen
Kyla: Damn, if Tilly were here I could ask her for a temporary leave to use healing space magic... and if the Doctor were here.... well I hope they are actually a doctor I don't think that's come up.
tries to make her comfortable, and gets a first aid kit to star disinfecting her wounds till a professional arrives
"This'll sting a bit..."
Number One: Wha’ll sting a bit...ow! That hurt!
Sorry, you're pretty banged up. You hit the ground pretty hard there. But if I do this right you won't even have a scar, and I'm the expert on that you see gestures at the big scar down her face I've never seen a ship like yours, you must have made quite the trip.
Number One: Ship…? Hrrm...what ship? Where am I...?
Kyla: ”You flew in on a small starship--maybe a starfighter?--and crashed here, which is VibeCity in the glorious Venusian Empire. My name is Kyla-82 Verger. What's yours?"
Number One: Zat ship was...mine? I do not know what a 'VibeCity' is., Ky...ra? My name is...what is it? [distressed] My name? I do not...winces...my head, it hurts. I do not know?!
Kyla: Hey—heyy its okay, don't worry about that for now. I'm 82, so for now you can be Number 1 till we figure out what your name is, already winning and you don't even have your memory back yet, that's pretty impressive, good work Number 1. You're in VibeCity, and you crashed your ship, and right now you're safe and being taken care of. Do you want a cold pack for your head? No idea if that'll help honestly but there's some in this medkit.
Number One: she nods gratefully Yes, I would like cold...pack, thank you Ky-ra...82? Sorry if zat is wrong, I...fuzzy.
Kyla: gently puts a cold pack on her head Ky-la-82, you got it Number 1. Being fuzzy is understandable. Just take it easy.
Number One: [soothed by the feeling of cold on her wound] Yes...thank you Kyla. I...will try. She notices her lekku swaying in the breeze. Hm. What are these?
Kyla: Oh uh.... they seem to be part of your head, I don't know what they are either unless they're tentacles like my mother has... can you move them?
Number One: Most interesting...she wiggles them individually...I think so, yes? I do not even remember what they are, and yet I knew just how do zat...instinct is an incredible thing.
Kyla: pulls a lock of her hair forward I have this instead. I can't move it on its own though, that's lucky for you. Instinct is indeed incredible, Number 1.
Number One: It is very...what is the word? Dark. I like it, Kyla.
Kyla: Ah, thank you! All my sisters have the same hair color so I've never gotten that compliment before. I like your head tentacles, they're stylish too.