Chapter 2
Bucky:
Waking up was the most scary thing. For a second, there was something in his mind. Something terrifying, awfully shrill, feeling as if it swallowed him whole and then it was gone.
Everything was just gone.
He knew how to talk. He knew all the words. He didn’t know where he knew them from, though. Didn’t know who taught him to speak, how to write, didn’t know who he was.
Yes, the first thing he felt waking up was scared. After it followed the confusion.
The room was bright, flawless in every way, not a thing out of place. Next to him sat a blonde woman, who smiled at him softly.
He had no idea who she was.
He had no idea, who he was.
”What?” He asked, throat hoarse. He flinched when he heard a fastening sound next to him, so he turned away from the woman and then watched his heart monitor warily. It quickened further.
He was scared, panicking and so utterly confused.
”Good morning, honey,” the woman said, smile widening. She looked tired, eying him carefully. ”How are you feeling?”
He starred at her a second longer, then let his eyes wander around the room some more. There was one single flower in a little vase on his nightstand, nothing else.
Where was he?
Who was she?
Who was he?
He whipped back around to her, not knowing what to ask first, anxiety growing stronger with every second of silence that passed. He took a deep breath, trying to not radiate panic, but knowing that he failed.”Who am I?”
The smile fell off the Blonde’s face, a frown appearing instead. ”What do you mean, honey?”
He tried to put his weight on his arms to sit up, lying down making him feel more and more vulnerable. He looked down in shock to where his left arm was supposed to be.
He had no idea who he was. What was happening. He didn’t know anything.
Nothing, but that he used to have both arms. He knew.
He gasped, feeling his breathing fastening. ”What - what,” he got out, before his lungs failed him.
What have they done to him?
”James,” the Blonde said, getting off her chair and sat down on the edge of his bed instead. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be near her, he wanted an explanation. ”James, hey, take a deep breath for me, yes?”
He shock his head fanatically, trying to get as far away from her as possible. ”Who are you?” He asked desperately, throat sore.
Her frown deepened again. For a second she looked way older than the about 25 years he’d guessed her age to be. ”What do you mean?” She asked, voice thin.
He kept his eyes on her face, terrified to look back down to his left arm.
Lack of left arm.
He swallowed harshly, trying to somehow not pass out right here. ”I mean,” he tried to get out, feeling more dizzy with every shallow breath he took. ”Who are you?”
Her eyes grew impossibly wide, looking him once over. There were distinct wet streaks on her cheeks. ”I am Sharon Barnes. I am your wife.” She looked desperate and confused.
He could relate to that.
”Sharon,” he tried. It didn’t feel right. ”My wife.”
He was married. To a woman. Sharon. He looked down to his right hand. There was a faint line of where he supposedly wore his wedding ring, but no ring.
”Yes,” she nodded, another tear rolling down her cheek. ”Your name is James.”
James.
”What am I doing here?” James asked, pulling his eyebrows down.
Sharon sniffled and took his hand in a fluid movement that seemed just a tick too calculated to be natural. James pulled his hand away. ”You had an accident. A drunk driver hit you on your motorbike. James, you were unconscious for weeks.”
She sobbed now.
James had no idea what to do with that.
”I can’t remember,” he said dumbly instead, as if it wasn’t obvious.
Sharon looked up at him with wide teary eyes. ”The doctor said that you might suffer memory loss from the accident and won’t remember it happening.”
James shock his head, finally able to sit up against the headboard. ”But I don’t remember anything.”
Sharon looked at him as if she had already tried to begin to come to terms with that but failing. ”Nothing?” She asked, sounding incredibly small. ”Not even me?”
James took a longer look at her. Studied her blond hair that fell messily over her shoulders and her brown eyes that looked sticky with tears. She had a thin gold band around her left ring finger. It had a few scratches on it but didn’t look too worn out yet.
He had absolutely no idea who this woman was, other than what she’d just told him.
”No,” he said. There wasn’t more to add.
She left a few minutes later, after calling doctors to check up on him. She pressed a light kiss to his forehead before getting up. James didn’t feel a thing.
The doctors explained to him that temporary or even permanent amnesia was an expected response for the trauma his brain has suffered through. They discussed different prothesis with him, too.
He didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to even think about the fact that he’s lost an arm. He didn’t look to his left for the whole evening.
James didn’t catch a second of sleep that night, desperately trying to figure out why he felt like everybody put 2 and 2 together and gotten 5.
The third thing he felt was utterly, breathtakingly alone.
The doctor never really talked to him, James realised on the third day of his stay at hospital. They were always talking to Sharon in hushed voices, too quiet for him to hear. James supposed it made sense, since he really couldn’t remember anything and needed to just rest and hope for his memories to return.
Still, with every reassuring smile Sharon shot his way, he felt like a little kid who wasn’t allowed at the adult’s table.
On the fourth day he only woke up shortly in the middle of the night. Sharon wasn’t on the chair next to him. James wasn’t surprised.
The day after, though, he woke up early with new found motivation to finally just move. James got up as carefully as he could and made his way over to the window. The leaves on the trees outside were already turning orange and brown, a light breeze shaking through them.
James had absolutely no idea where he was.
He realised soon after that he might just forever feel lost and out of place now.
Sharon visited him in the afternoon, she never seemed to stop smiling. ”How are you today, Jamie?” She asked, taking his pudding from the nightstand and opened it for him.
She held it out to him, so he could get some of it on his spoon, before answering her. ”Still confused,” he told her, nothing more.
James didn’t tell her that he was bored out of his mind. That sometimes his upper body hurt so bad, he just wanted to close his eyes and hope to fall asleep till it was all over. He also didn’t tell her that he has completely and utterly ignored that he had lost an arm. He didn’t look at it, didn’t think about it, banned it complete from his mind.
It got harder to ignore with every passing second, though.
Whenever his long hair fell in front of his eyes and he could put it in a bun with one arm. Putting on a t-shirt was also a lot harder than he’d ever imagine it being. Also eating a pudding with only one arm? He couldn’t figure out how that was supposed to work. He couldn’t even open it.
But right now he could still ignore it. Barely, but he had enough other things on his mind.
Sharon nodded empathetically. ”I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
Her eyes looked distinctly wet, as if she was in deep pain also. Bucky nodded, eating more of his pudding.
”How long have we been married?” James asked her after a few minutes of silence.
He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was married. He didn’t really know how old he’d guess himself, but too young to be married for sure.
Sharon put his empty pudding cup back on the nightstand and took his hand in hers. James didn’t like when she did that. She took all the movability he had left. He only had that one hand and when she held it in hers, he couldn’t do anything anymore. ”4 years,” she said, smiling softly. ”We married on August 31st, 2015.”
James looked at her, trying to return her smile. He knew it was 2019, he had asked. Yet, hearing it always felt unreal. ”That’s a long time,” he stated. Not in a particularly negative or positive way, he just repeated the fact.
What he meant to say, though, was that it was a long time to just forget, not remembering even a tiny piece of it.
Sharon laughed lightly, little wrinkles forming around her eyes. ”I suppose so. Feels like it was only yesterday that we married.”
She throw her hair over her shoulder, looking up at him from underneath her eyelashes, smiling fondly at him. She looked happy.
James didn’t think he could ever be happy again. He couldn’t remember the last time he was. The first time.
He smiled back.
Going home was weird. He had no memories to this place. As far as James was concerned was the house he was facing right now was just any other house. It wasn’t too small but only big enough for the two of them. It had a little garden in the front and red prick wall surrounding it.
He had no idea who he was but this felt weirdly like this wasn’t it. It wasn’t him.
”It’s pretty,” he said, looking at Sharon who was putting the key in the door and then swung it open.
”Wait till you see the furniture,” she said smiling, gesturing for him to go ahead and walk inside.
James had hoped that he’d walk in and just magically remember all he had forgotten. Instead, though, he was greeted by nothing but a light yellow hallway with shoes standing neatly underneath a rack for jackets.
There were pictures of the house itself on the walls and painting of running horses. Nothing personal, though.
”Pretty,” he repeated, not walking further inside.
Sharon walked past him to the foot of the staircase. ”The kitchen is at the end of the hallway. To your right is the living room. Upstairs is the bedroom.”
She sounded calculated, as if she had a list of things she needed to say in her head and was only working towards finishing it.
”Okay,” James answered, still not moving.
Sharon looked at him for a second longer before she sighed and pointed up the stairs. ”How about you catch some sleep before exploring? It has been an exhausting day.”
James had slept till late afternoon and then just sat in the car. He nodded anyway. ”Yes, I think I could sleep for a bit longer.”
He spend the next three days only in the rooms he really needed to go into. James has only seen the living room in passing, only moved from the bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom and back. Sharon didn’t seem to mind, spending long hours of the days in her office anyway.
James was sitting at the kitchen counter on one of the bar chairs, sipping on his coffee. He had no idea how he used to like it, but no matter what he tried, nothing tasted quite right.
”I have to check in with work for a bit, would that be okay? I could bring take out on my way back,” she said softly, walking back over to him, laying a careful hand on the back of his head, playing with his hair.
James wished he could tie it up into a ponytail but he just couldn’t figure out how to with only one arm.
”Yes, no problem, go ahead.”
Sharon nodded and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. ”I don’t want to leave you alone right now, but the doctor said it would probably be better to let you take it all in. Also, my boss is in for my head if I don’t bring him the reports he requested.”
James had no idea what Sharon’s job even was. He nodded again. ”It’s no problem, really. I just want to lie back down anyway.”
He kept on sitting in the kitchen for slowly passing minutes before he got up with a sigh. There was no point in just sitting here and waiting. He didn’t even know what he was waiting for. It all felt so wrong and he was just waiting for something to feel right, but there was nothing.
The house was neat and tidy. The soft orange walls matched the carpet which matched the couch which matched the curtains.
It was flawless.
The couch had no dips in it, no stains or loose threats. It was perfect. James sat down cautiously and looked around once more.
There were no pictures other than paintings on the walls. There were decorations, tasteful vases with plastic flowers and little tin elephants here and there. It was clean, flawless. Not one item that would tell him anything about them living here. Nothing with character and personality. Nothing that looked like it had a fun story connected to it.
And maybe it was also just that. It was too flawless. There was not a thing out of place. It was spotless.
James laid his head back on the headrest of the couch and sighed again. It made him feel uneasy. To be in a strange place, not knowing anything but that it felt not right.
He spend the rest of the evening counting the animals that were either drawn on some painting or decorative items on various surfaces.
Sharon brought Chinese take out when she came home. They talked somewhat easily when eating, making James feel actually awake and alive for the first time since opening his eyes to a new world.
”Why don’t we have children?” James asked, looking from the Tv to Sharon who was sitting next to him on the couch, feet tucked underneath her.
Sharon looked up, little smile on her lips. She always seemed to be smiling. ”We never came around to it.”
James pulled his eyebrows together, turning to sit facing her. ”But we have been married for years.”
She closed her book and turned to him, too, suddenly a lot closer. ”You start to sound like my mother,” Sharon sounded amused, winking at him teasingly. ”There has always been something coming up. Debt for the house, starting new jobs, your accident. It just seemed like it never was the right moment for it.”
James nodded. ”But we did plan to have some?”
Sharon took his hand in hers and rubbed gently over his knuckles. ”Yes. You especially. You were always talking about having a little one to show the world to.”
He returned her smile softly. James didn’t know how he knew, but yes, he had always wanted to have children, he was certain of it. He didn’t even realise that he hadn’t answered her in a while, just looking into her eyes.
Her features were soft and fond. James leaned in instinctually, making eye contact for a moment longer to see if she wanted this. Sharon looked down to his lips for a second and then also came closer, after the smallest hesitation.
Their first kiss was chaste. Just their closed lips touching. It was soft and careful, only lasting for a couple of seconds. She looked up at him with big eyes afterwards, her smile softer than it ever has been before. James put his hand on her cheek, caressing it lightly.
James didn’t love her, he realised. He just knew it. He also knew that he would never be cruel enough to say that out loud.
”Maybe some day,” he finally answered, keeping his eyes on her.
Sharon nodded putting her hand over his, he could feel her wedding ring cold against his skin. ”Yes, some day.”
It’s been 3 weeks since he’s woken up when James finally took the time to start to deal with the aftermath of his accident. He tried to live on in ignorance, but it wasn’t something he could ignore any longer.
Every time his hair was in his eyes and he couldn’t tie it up, he was getting irritated.
Every time he had to open a bottle by holding it between his tights and the uncap it, he felt his anger building up.
Everything that was supposed to be easy, day to day things, were an obstacle for him to overcome and he was feeling himself breaking under the pressure of it.
James looked in the mirror, starring at the big scar that went from his left shoulder down to his right hip. It was from his car accident, they’ve told him at the hospital.
He didn’t know why he just couldn’t believe that.
His left shoulder was scarred so badly, he could barely see his skin colour in between the scares. It didn’t hurt, though. It must have, but James could for the life of him not remember a second of it.
He moved his shoulder up and down, pointlessly.
James hated it. Hated that he was dependent on his wife. That he seemingly couldn’t do anything on his own anymore.
His doctors told him to go to PT as soon as he was feeling well enough to actually leave the house. They told him to not take things too fast; he should first get used to his new life, trying to find his place in it and then try and adjust to it.
James called bullshit. If he really took it step by step, one thing after the next, he’d never finish it all. He’d never get his life back, whatever that was.
He sighed as he picked up his phone and typed in the number for his PT trainer. He’s met her briefly when he was at the hospital but hadn’t really paid any attention to her. After a quick chat they made an appointment for Wednesday in two weeks.
James just hoped he’d still feel up to it then. He didn’t spare his reflection another glance when he put his shirt back on and all but ran out of the bathroom.
They kissed again but never really long or deep. More like a quick good morning kiss and one before going to sleep in the evening. They slept in the same bed, Sharon lying her head on his good shoulder, his arm around her. In the morning, though, they were always lying separated, as much space between them as possible, as if they suddenly repulsed each other while they were sleeping.
Sharon was sweet. On day 25, though, James realised that she seemed to lose her always present smile. That was also when James began to think more and more about all the things he didn’t want to think about.
His arm was just the tip of the ice berg and he grew more aware of it, the longer he spend sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to find anything that would explain everything to him.
”What about my family?” James asked into the silence between him and his wife. There always was this silence as if they’ve already said enough to each other.
”What was that, honey?” Sharon looked up from the pan in which she was scrambling eggs. James sat on a bar chair in front of her, across the kitchen island.
”My family,” James repeated, stealing one piece of egg out of the pan. Sharon hit him with the spatula playfully, laughing lightly. He smiled back. ”It’s been over a month and I haven’t heard a word from them. I do have a family, don’t I?” His voice sounded painfully small when he finished his question. He didn’t even know that. He didn’t even remember his own mother. He swallowed, the smile on his face forgotten.
”Oh,” Sharon answered. It was just that for a while, until she finished the eggs, turned the stove off and just let them sit. She walked around the stove till she stood next to him. ”James, dear.”
James turned around on his chair, looking into her warm eyes. She put both her hands on his cheeks and stroked over his beard. ”You’ve lost contact to them a long time ago.”
He leaned into the touch, eyebrows furrowed. He decided to ask about that more, later. ”Did I have siblings? Cousins? Anyone I still have contact to?”
Sharon shock her head minutely. ”You have three sisters. You were never close, though. When you lost contact with your parents, you didn’t hear from them again either.”
Nodding his head, he leaned closer to her. James had the feeling of doubt in his chest again, so pressing, eating on his organs. He wished he knew why so many things Sharon told him made him feel like it wasn’t the whole truth.
James also wished he knew if it was okay to ask if he’s always been like that. Paranoid, maybe. Distrusting. Or if that was just a new thing that came with his accident.
”What about friends?” He asked further. As bad as he wanted to know more about his family, it wasn’t the goal of this conversation. He’d bring it up again, later. First he needed to know if there were any other people who just knew him. Other people than his wife.
Sharon nodded, pressing a kiss to the wrinkle between his eyebrows. ”Yes. I told them to let you rest for a while, but they are burning to talk to you."
James took a deep, relieved breath. ”Did I have a best friend?” He asked, more hopeful this time.
”He’d be offended if he knew you even needed to ask that,” Sharon laughed lightly, looking into his eyes. ”I’ll ask your doctors when the best time would be for you to meet him again. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”
James walked up behind the couch, putting his hands on Sharon’s shoulders over the headrest. It’s been a slow few days, Sharon spending a lot of time home from work and James still didn’t really know what to do with that. He wasn’t used to being married to her. He didn’t know her.
He lived with her, though, and he really tried, he swore he did. Most of the time, though, it felt as if the walls were just coming in closer because wherever he went, she could easily follow.
It should be a good thing. Reassuring. It made him feel trapped more than anything, though.
He leaned down and pressed a soft kissed on her shoulders. James knew that he shouldn’t force this to work out, it’s only been a bit over a month since he’s woken up, there was no rush. But he couldn’t keep going like this.
Sharon looked up at him and smiled softly. James grinned right back as he leaned down again and pressed a kiss to her lips. She didn’t break the kiss even when it lasted far longer than their usual kisses did.
Determined he rounded the couch, sat down beside her and leaned right back to kiss her again, deeper this time. With more purpose.
It was what she wanted. And he also wanted it. More like needed it. Needed to know that all his thoughts were just him being a little off after the accident. That everything was good and normal.
He could do that.
Sharon kissed him back enthusiastically, pushing him back against the couch and went to straddle his lap. Her hands went from his jaw to his arm and side.
James held on to her hips, trying to get used to the feeling of her lips against his. Her hands on his skin.
He had to be able to do that.
It took for her hands to sink further south and into his pants for him to realise that he really just couldn’t. Not physically anyway. Her hand was small and cold and uncomfortable.
James broke the kiss, sighing frustrated, feeling himself blush in embarrassment. Sharon looked down to his uninterested crotch in question and then back up at him. She looked expectant but then not surprised. As if she has seen this coming.
James wondered if he could ask if that has happened before. It felt like a weirdly intimate thing to ask, even though he was part of the subject of the question.
He didn’t ask.
”This is not going to happen, is it?” Sharon asked softly, taking her hands out of his pants and put them on his shoulders instead and slid down to sit next to him. It shouldn’t be such a relief that she stopped touching his dick but it really just was.
James didn’t look at her as he bottomed his pants again, still feeling more and more embarrassment building up inside him. ”I’m sorry,” he muttered, his teeth clenched, not really knowing what else he could say to that.
James starred down to his hand, trying to will himself to step blushing. What had he been thinking?
“It’s fine,” Sharon assured him, leaving one of her hands on his shoulder. ”With the accident and all. You just need a bit more time to settle in your body again. It happens, James. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
”Sure,” he answered, sounding stubborn, knowing that it was neither fine nor the accident, but beyond terrified of what the problem was if it wasn’t that.
Day 36 was even more quiet than the days before. James had found out just how small their house really was, making the active effort to avoid Sharon like she was the merchant of death. He also realised that the more he tried to not bump into her, the more every room of the damn house seemed like it was connected and had an open layout.
There was no hiding here. So James pretend that he just happened to love standing in the hallway, leaning between the drawn pictures on the wall for the best of his day, since it seemed to be the part of the house Sharon walk through the least.
She was mostly sitting on the couch, raising her eyebrows at him whenever he had to eventually walk past her, calling him an idiot in every way but verbally.
James knew he was behaving like a child. He also knew that not getting aroused while making out with his wife wasn’t the end of the world.
He knew that. Theoretically.
But he also knew that it wasn’t even really the problem. Part of the problem, but not the whole thing anyway. He just didn’t know how long he could keep on lying to himself about that.
The first appointment at PT was exhausting and had him come home shaking and aching to sleep. It was also the day when he stopped trying to avoid Sharon, coming home and just walking straight into her arms.
It didn’t matter if he loved her or not. Not right now, anyway. She has been there for him and she understood him, kind of.
She led his head to lie on her shoulder while she just held him for what felt like hours.
James wished he knew why it felt like he wanted to be held by someone else.
”I want to go outside,” James stated into the silence of day 50. Sharon wasn’t reading this time but watching a movie instead.
”Okay, sure, honey” she said, nodding, switching the Tv off. ”Let me grab my jacket and we can go out to get groceries. I’ve been meaning to do that today anyway.”
James put his hand on her arm before she could get up, though. ”No, I meant,” he started and then stopped to find a way to say this without hurting her feelings. ”I want to go outside on my own. It’s been 2 months, I just want to feel a bit more independent again.”
Sharon didn’t look happy, her mouth was a straight line. ”Are you sure? It might be a bit too much for you, Jamie.”
James shock his head, determined. ”I’ll be okay. And I also have my phone with me in case something happens.”
She still didn’t look convinced but then sighed and put her head on his shoulder. ”Okay, honey. Do you want to get the groceries then or do you just want to take a walk?”
James pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, taking her hand in his. ”I can go and get food, sure. I’ll be quick, promise.”
It turned out that grocery shopping was absolute hell, even more so since it was practically his first time in a store this big and full of people. James grabbed the handle of his shopping cart tighter and pushed through the aisles, doing his best expression of the show Lost while he tried to find where they hid the eggs.
He wasn’t even sure he’d find the registers with how aimless he’s walked through the store for what felt like hours.
”Sorry,” James hushed to a young couple blocking the entire frozen aisle. He was growing more and more irritated with every step he took. He felt judged and starred at from every direction. Feeling as if every person who just as much as walked near him was starring at his obvious, empty left sleeve.
He pushed his shopping cart further, trying not to run a pyramid of cans over, when it unbalanced tried to escape from him yet again. James was about a second from calling Sharon to help him out of this, when he nearly straight out killed a man by driving over him.
”Excuse me,” James said quietly to the blond man who was standing in the baking aisle, holding pancake batter in his hand, just starring at it. ”You are kinda blocking my way, buddy.”
The man looked up at him, his mouth already open but no sound came from him. James was raising an eyebrow at him. The man paled, looking all but shocked and then turned on the heel of his foot and ran away.
James didn’t even question that. Not after he has spend an hour in the insanity that called itself a grocery store. ”Thanks very much, weirdo,” he muttered as he looked around the baking aisle.
He didn’t find eggs and just decided to call it quits. He did buy pancake batter, though.
James spend another two weeks stubbornly trying not to think of the one problem that just seemed the hardest to ignore on his pile of things to deal with.
In the back of his mind, though, he already knew the answer to the question he didn’t want to ask.
He wasn’t attracted to Sharon. He would never be, either. And it wasn’t because of anything she’s done, it was just who he was. Or, more accurately, what he wasn’t.
But well, this was quite literally his second chance, he thought. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t be. So he would just try, James decided. He was most likely just confused and lashing out right now, anyway. Avoiding problems could very well make them go away.
It was day 78 when that thought process came back to him. James pretended that the last thing he saw before he came in the shower wasn’t a man with defined muscles, strong arms and bright blue eyes. He didn’t know how he long he could keep lying to himself about that.
On day 84 he gave up pretending and lying, to himself anyway.
And just like that he needed to know. Needed to find out if he has always been gay because then he could accept it. If he hadn’t been, though, he’d keep trying to love his wife. He’d keep trying to find an answer as to why he changed. He’d keep trying to find his way back to his old life.
James realised pretty quickly that he couldn’t just ask Sharon about that. Yeah, thad’d be an awfully lovely conversation with his wife, who has been nothing but supportive and understanding.
He looked up tentatively over to the man who sat opposite to him at the dinner table. Sharon had gone to her office to give them some time to bond again.
James has had the hope that he might at least recognize his supposed best friend, but he knew he wouldn’t the second he had opened the door and laid eyes on him. Mark had really short dark hair and dark eyes. He seemed to be smiling just as often as Sharon used to.
He had pulled James into a hug when he let him in, which had thrown him off but then Mark did turn out quite easy to talk to. More conversational than Sharon anyway.
Mark rolled some more spaghetti on his fork and then looked back at James. ”So, dude,” he said before eating his fork full. ”You really remember nothing? Like not at all?”
James liked how bold he was. He nodded easily, feeling not as distressed about it all anymore. ”Yeah, there’s nothing.”
”But like, basic math? All that?” Mark asked further, raising his eyebrows. ”Do you have the education of a 4th grader? Less?”
James laughed lightly, it felt good. ”I don’t know, man, it’s weird. Like, I do know stuff. I know maths and also biology and all that. But I don’t know how I know. Or how many details.”
Mark nodded, looking thoughtful. ”But that only means that there is something of the old you left, right? So that’s a good thing, I’d say in my absolutely not medical view.”
There was a soft smile fighting its way onto James’s face before he could help it. He’d never thought of it like that.
”Also,” Mark added, finishing the rest of his dinner. ”Just imagine how much more this could suck, dude. Like, you could have woken up and not remember how to speak. Or understand.”
”That would have been terrifying,” James stated, also thoughtful. He didn’t mention that he had been scared when he woke up nonetheless.
”Exactly what I’m saying,” Mark nodded. ”As for the rest? We’ll work on it, yeah? You’ll remember. And if you don’t, we’ll make new memories. Live high school all over again. Throw wild parties and all that.”
James shook his head, not able to fight another smile that lit up on his face. ”Thank you,” he said, not caring how pathetically honest it sounded.
He ended up enjoying the time with Mark so much, he forgot to ask what he had actually intended to. Maybe more like suppressed than forgot. James couldn’t find it in him to care, though. Talking with Mark has made him feel easier than he has in the full 93 days he has been awake.
Truth was, James didn’t quite remember when he has given up the hope to ever remember anything again, which was probably also one of the reasons why it hit him to hard when there was suddenly something so vague but clear in his head.
It was a memory, he just knew it. It was clear as day in his head. No picture, or important moment but yet, the first thing he got back
”If your secrets were like seeds?” He says carefully, voice barely containing his excitement. He felt like he has archived something.
Sharon looked up at him, really confused. “Excuse me?”
James pulled his eyebrows together. “Yes. If your secrets were like seeds,” he insisted, doubt building up in his stomach. ”And you say Hire a gardener for your grave.“
She didn’t even seem to listen to the words, just shot a smile his way. It was wide, maybe a bit too much so. “You remember?”
Yes, he wanted to say but didn’t, But you didn’t. It sounded accusing. And yet it felt like she had just failed a test but he didn’t know why. Didn’t know why it felt so right that she didn’t know.
That in the back of his head he had already known she wouldn’t but he just couldn’t say why.
This was the first time she went into her office late at night and locked the door behind her. She made a hurried phone call. James couldn’t make out a word she was saying but she sounded distressed.
He didn’t know exactly what it was, but after that, it all seemed to go downhill.
When she come back to bed, she smiled again, not even a bit of it reaching her eyes.
He didn’t ever bring it up again, neither did she. But there was something new between them, a distance that James didn’t think they’d ever be able to close.
It just came naturally to him to spend as much time as he could outside of their house now. James couldn’t actually avoid her, not when she was quite literally one of the hand full people he knew, but yet, he was determined to try.
Jogging trough the park was something he realised calmed him down a lot. He had a lot of stamina, was well trained. He didn’t know where that came from though.
In the morning hours there were only a few parents with their kids, a girl with her dog and a blond man sitting on a bench, staring at the ground in front of him.
James noticed that he loved this kind of peaceful noise much more than the seemingly always present silence in his home.
He and Sharon didn’t really have anything in common, James realized on day 101. They always seemed to talk about their own things, only nodding to the other in acknowledgment but never really enthusiastic about the same thing. James wondered if it had always been this way or if it really was true that he has somehow become a totally different person after the accident.
”Did I ever mention,” James started, his heart in his throat. Mark raised his eyebrows up in question. ”Not being … Happy in this relationship?”
James felt uncomfortable talking about this but Mark was his best friend. Supposedly. And he really began to be desperate. He couldn’t imagine that he hadn’t been gay before he fell into the coma but apparently he hasn’t been.
And it hurt to think about. It confused him and robbed him of his sleep. Made him feel dirty, like a fake, like he was just lashing out because of the whole situation.
Mark just ran a hand through his hair, looking slightly more attentive, now. Not paying more attention to the hot dog in his hand than to James, anymore. “No. Why?”
James nodded, sinking feeling deep inside his guts. He slowed their walking tempo even more and then just came to a stop a few seconds later. “Are you sure? I never mentioned being - unsatisfied?”
James didn’t think he could be more obvious about it. If Mark still didn’t know what he meant then that was all the proof he needed to know that apparently he actually had been happily married to Sharon before. Or he at least has never expressed his thoughts and doubts to his best friend.
Either way, James was disappointed.
“No?” Mark answered, sounding honestly confused. ”You good, man?”
James really wasn’t. ”Yeah, no it’s fine. I am just trying to actually figure out what my life was like before all of - well. This.”
Mark nodded, putting an arm around his shoulder. ”You seemed really happy before the accident.”
James smiled at him as answer. He doubted it, but he didn’t know how to tell his friend that.
Mark was texting furiously on his phone right after he walked James back to his house. It reminded him of Sharon, whenever he talked to her about important things. She always walked out to make a phone call, seeming distressed. Just like Mark did. But maybe James was just becoming really paranoid.
James couldn’t shake the feeling, though, that everybody around him just seemed to be constantly on their phones whenever he did something he’d label important.
Grocery shopping became his chore along the way. He didn’t mind it. It helped him to get back to normal. Although people still irritated him more often than not.
He liked shopping on Tuesday afternoons the most, he decided. There were always barely any people there. Right then he only saw one elder woman, a man with two kids and a sad looking blond man, who was all but stacking instant ramen in his card.
James stopped still for a second, turning back to look at the man again.
A blond man? Again?
James knew his brain was in a bad place, but he could swear he has seen this man before.
He wanted to call it coincident. Call it paranoia. Tried to shake the feeling that he should know the him. Ignored his brain yelling at him that there was something to this man that was really important. He didn’t know why he looked so familiar, but he could swear he had met him before.
The pancakes, he remembered later, not able to shake the picture of the sad blond man.
On day 145 they didn’t fall asleep cuddled against each other anymore. James hadn’t slept better than that night, in what felt like years. They woke up far apart all the same. Sharon and him didn’t say anything to each other but good morning for the whole day.
James was used to it.
He went to the grocery store two times a week now, telling himself that it was out of necessity and not because it was more peaceful there than at home.
”You don’t even like peas, Bucky.”
James whirled around, looking at the blond man standing next to him. He looked tired and sad. His sadness was also the one thing that made James notice that yes, this was the same blond man who had been occupying his thoughts for the past week. He just couldn’t figure out why he felt so - at peace when he thought of him. James looked around in question, trying to find the person the blond man was talking to. He looked spooked now, starring at James wide eyed. James returned his gaze once he realised there wasn’t another person here other than them.
”Who the hell is Bucky?” He asked dumbly.
The blond man closed his eyes for a moment, making James aware of how pale and tired he really looked. ”Nothing,” the man rushed to say, sounding breathless. ”I’m sorry. You just - reminded me of someone.”
The man sounded nothing short of heartbroken. He looked devastated and unhappy. James didn’t know why he cared so much, but it felt like seeing this man sad was something his whole body was begging him to prevent.
”Hey, you good?” James asked, wanting to reach out and put his hand on the man’s shoulder but then stopping himself. It’d be inappropriate.
The man smiled at him, so sad but so warm, James felt more at home than he literally ever remembered feeling.
”Yes,” the man assured him quickly. His smile was beautiful, James noticed. No matter how sad, he was breathtaking. ”I am alright.”
”Hard day?” James asked, not knowing why but he wanted to keep talking to him. Never stop to talk.
The man laughed softly, shaking his head. ”Hard year.”
James couldn’t help but smile at the man at the sound of his laughter. He swore, it was his first real smile since he’s woken up.
”I’ll get out of your hair,” the man said after a moment of comfortable silence. James didn’t want him to leave but nodded anyway. ”Sorry again. Have a good one.”
”I hope your year’ll get better,” James called after him. The blond man laughed again before rounding the corner.
James stood still in the aisle for a few more minutes, starring down at the peas in his hand.
Bucky, he thought. The name felt like it was turning something in his brain, just clicking, feeling so right.
It couldn’t just have been a misunderstanding. It felt more like home than any other thing has.
James shock his head at himself.
He didn’t buy the peas, though.
After they’ve talked, James saw him a handful more times. Sometimes they just smiled at each other as quick hello, but, more often than not, the man was just starring at literally anything, looking deeply broken.
It broke James’s heart to see him like that. He didn’t know what to do about it, though. He was a stranger, no matter how familiar the man felt.
He talked with Sharon about it. Told her about the sad blond man in the grocery store.
She didn’t laugh at it. She didn’t really look confused either. She put a smile on her face that looked like a mask, telling him he worried too much.
He didn’t think so.
Something about her reaction was so off he couldn’t shake it.
She closed the door of her office behind her again that night. James knew she would. She always seemed to when he has done something to which she reacts with her too wide smile. He could hear her making a phone call, but didn’t understand a word she said.
He didn’t see the sad blond man again.