Night Terrors

Good morrow, people of the Kingdom of Chessteros, and welcome to the grandest castle in all the land! Centre of all power in the five kingdoms, residence of the King, and popular tourist attraction.

Spookalot Castle is, of course, so named because it is a haunted castle. Many ghosts reside here. In fact, some of you may even be ghosts yourself. This is very novel, of course - none of the other kingdoms have any haunted castles, to the best of my knowledge. But fear not, for the ghosts are all harmless, and not at all murderous or vengeful. They're actually surprisingly chilled out, considering the whole "Eternal Torment" thing.

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a man of wealth and taste. My name is Cardinal Poxxy, and I am the King's Favourite, a position that I am very keen to hold onto. So I'm sure that all of you will be entirely respectful of that, and not get in my way whilst I carry out Her Majesty's will, as interpreted by me without consultation with Her Majesty. I just know her so well, you see.

Oh, you want to know about the King? Well, she has been on the throne for many years, and will continue to be so for many more, I'm sure. My career relies upon it! And yes, "King" is a gender-neutral term here in Chessteros. Chess rules, you see. The King is the name we give to the most important person in all the land. Important, but also, in so many ways, helpless and powerless to act, beyond commanding others. If the King were to die, it would certainly throw the kingdom into chaos! But I'm sure that won't happen, especially in the next few days. It would be terribly unlikely. Especially with me here to protect her!

So rest easy, friends. If you are here as a tourist from the other kingdoms, please enjoy the novelty of being served by a staff that includes ghosts, and make your way to the guest quarters. If you are here to work… then get the fuck on with it! A castle does not run itself, and we need a full staff at full pelt. There's no time for idling! Go and make yourselves bloody useful!

...Thank you for your attention. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and write a treatise on the nature of god, morality and the universe. It's sure to be a bestseller, and I daresay they'll still be reading it many years from now, perhaps even into the 1600s!

“Captain’s log, stardate 77656.9: With our business in the Alejandro system complete, the Endeavour is headed to starbase 38 to receive our next assignment.”

A Nebula-class starship called the USS Endeavour traveled at full impulse, stars streaking past its viewports like raindrops. The captain was Gemini Shadow, a grey-furred unicorn from the planet Equus, in the Zacherle system.

She strode on to the bridgefrom the turbolift, adjusting her red and black uniform as she sat down in the centermost seat. 

“Status report, please, Number One,” she said.

Michelle Lykos, Gem’s executive officer, went first. “Everything looks good, Ponygirl,” she reported from her seat at Gem’s left.

“Excellent news,” said Gem, smiling. “Engineering, how are things down there?”

“Right as rain, Gem,” Lieutenant Robin Astra answered. “The ship’s ready to go when you are!”

“That’s what I like to hear, Ms. Astra.” Gem turned her attention back to the front of the bridge. “Helm, set course for starbase 38, warp six.”

“Yes ma’am,” said the helmsmare, adjusting the controls of her console. “Course set and ready, Captain.”

Gem nodded and pointed forward. “Engage.”

The ship warped away into the stars.

“Captain, we have Romulan Warbirds headed toward this sector!” Kyla-44 exclaimed from the tactical station.

“Shields up, red alert!” Gem cried, as lights and sirens came on. “How could they have found us?! We’re nowhere near the Neutral Zone!”

“Excellent question, dear niece,” purred a voice in Gem’s ear. Qwas suddenly next to her, wearing a uniform that matched hers. “Shall we discuss it in private?” 

Without waiting for an answer, he snapped his fingers and Gem disappeared from the bridge.

She reappeared in her ready room, but found Q sitting in the chair. “Q, what in Tartarus do you think you’re doing?!” She cried. “We’ve got a crisis on our hooves! My crew needs me!”

“Oh, that little tiff with the Romulans?” Q chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Gemini, honestly, yours is one of the best-trained in Starfleet, they’re perfectly capable of handling themselves. I only called them in so I could talk to you.”

“About what?” asked Gem, putting her hands on her hips. “Honestly, what’s going on? This isn’t like you!”

“Oh please, this is exactly like me,” Q answered. “I’m trying to help you. You, mon capitaine, have a problem.”

Gem frowned at him. “And that is?”

“You have it far too easy here, my dear,” Q replied. “Sitting here on your cushy little ship with your professional Starfleet crew ready to back you up anywhere you go. When was the last time you had to survive on your own, without help?”

“When half my senior staff and I were captured and tortured by the Cardassians!” Gem shouted. “Would you please get to the point?!”

“Fine, I will,” Q said flatly. “The time has come for you to grow up, Gemini Shadow. To see what you do when you don’t have Starfleet at your beck and call.” He snapped his fingers again. “Just step through your ready room door, and you’ll see what I mean.”

“I’ll see the bridge, you mean,” said Gem sarcastically. She strode to the door, touched the control, and it opened… but the bridge wasn’t on the other side. 

She stepped into what appeared to be an old stone castle, and heard the door start to slide shut behind her. As it did so, she heard Discord’s voice, taunting her: “See you out there, Gemini. You’ll need every scrap of training you have if you’re going to survive. So… try not to die.”

Then it closed, and disappeared. She was alone.

Gem turned to where the door had been and shook her fist, furious. “DISCORD! Q! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE! PUT ME BACK ON MY SHIP THIS INSTANT! FAUST DAMN YOU, Q!”

A rumble of thunder rolled somewhere in the distance, and she shivered. “Focus, Gemini… you are still a Starfleet captain. This is just another away mission, and you must return to your crew as soon as you are able.” She tugged on her uniform tunic. “Then, what am I waiting for? I must make it so.”

And with that, she boldly went into the unknown.

“Captain’s log, supplemental: Q has taken me from the Endeavour and marooned me in a strange place. It appears to be some sort of castle: the design suggests some kind of similarity with pre-abeyance Equus or medieval-period Earth, circa the 15th or 16th centuries. However, adverse weather conditions are preventing me from using celestial navigation to ascertain a possible location. The local population appears to be primarily humanoid, again similarly to  medieval Earth… but medieval Earth never had spectral organisms living on it. 

Due to the aforementioned presence of ghosts, I can only assume I have not actually traveled back in time, but appear to be stranded on one of several alien planets scattered throughout the universe that are, for one inexplicable reason or another, based on aspects of Earth culture. Better Chessteros than Ekos or Sigma Iotia II.

That this could also be an elaborate simulation designed by Q and his friends in the Continuum is not lost on me either. In any event, I joined Starfleet to seek out new life and explore strange new worlds, and Chessteros appears to fulfill both of these requirements at once. I have, it seems, returned to first principles. Maybe this is what it was like to be James Tiberius Kirk.

Regarding my situation: for obvious reasons, I don’t appreciate being abducted off my own ship during a crisis. I will be having very strong words with Q when I return to the Endeavour. It is fortunate that I had a few items from home with me: my phaser, a tricorder, a PADD, and my combadge, which I’m using to record these words. In short, everything I need for an away mission. A good captain never leaves her ship unprepared.

My next task? Making some friends. After all, I am still a Starfleet officer, with all the training and knowledge that position entails. And our jobs are not meant to be completed alone. I will find allies here, one way or another, and I will use my instincts to guide me. I am a pony, after all.”

Gem: Somewhere in the castle's depths, a unicorn in an incredibly anachronistic uniform wanders down a hallway, searching for life signs. "There must be something here... surely Q wouldn't just maroon me in an abandoned castle for the fun of it... except that he might, if it sufficiently amused him.”

Poxxy: Hallo there! Oh, I don't seem to recognise you. You must be one of the new scullery maids, yes? You'd better get down there and get to work, lest the lords see you slacking!

Gem looks up at the sudden voice, at first surprised, and then annoyed. "Your assumption is incorrect, sir. I am Gemini Shadow, captain of the starship Endeavour. I am most certainly not a scullery maid."

Poxxy: You’re a ship's captain? I can't say I recognise the name of your ship. I should know all the vessels in Her Majesty's Navy. Is this a new commission that I am unaware of?

Gem: ”Oh, far from it... I've been in command of her for some time," Gem answers, relaxing now that she's on somewhat familiar territory. "I'm from... let us say, beyond this realm. And marooned here for the time being." She smiles politely at the cardinal. "May I ask your name, sir?"

Poxxy: I’m Cardinal Poxxy, and it is well that you have found me, for I am in charge around here. On behalf of The King, that is. But - you say you come from beyond this realm? Do you mean that you are from an allied nation? What kingdom do you represent?

Gem: ”Equestria, the largest nation on the planet Equus, in the Zacherle system. My rulers are Princesses Celestia and Luna," Gem replies. "If you like, you may consider me an envoy."

Poxxy: I can't say I know of it. Do you know whether you hail from the east or the west? The Five Kingdoms are at the centre of the world, as all should well know, so I venture that your Equestria must be some distance towards the edge of the world.

Still, if you are empowered to establish diplomatic relations, I would be most honoured to begin discussions relating to trade. May I see your documentation?

Gem: ”My dear Cardinal, Equestria is a very very long ways away from here," says Gem, producing a touchscreen PADD from someplace. "Much farther than you can possibly imagine. As for documentation, you'll find everything you need on this."

Poxxy: This isn't papers! I reject this documentation. Do you mock me!? If so, I shall have you put in the stocks!

Gem: ”Certainly not!" Gem exclaims. "I am not of your world nor your time, Cardinal, but regardless of our differences, I am approaching you as a serious diplomat. Establishing relations between my world and yours will be difficult, but I am happy to try it if you are."

Poxxy: Do you think I was born yesterday?

Many a time have those of the lowliest classes come to me with claims that they were born nobility, or come from distant lands, demanding all the pleasures of a higher station. Well, I say, no! We have in this kingdom a most rigid and beautiful class system, and for good reason.

If you wish to stay in this castle, and you wish not to be flogged, then you will do as the rest of your class do, and start at the very bottom! Why, if you are prepared to be the stablemare now, and clean out the excrement, you could rise up to as high a rank as assistant food taster within twenty years. And then you could truly give your life for the valuable cause of ensuring that a lord does not die of food poisoning!

Now, I say, go forth and beg for work somewhere else. I have no favours to offer you. 

Gem: At this, Gem cannot hide her scowl. "One of the more irksome habits I have observed regarding humans," she says icily, "is your tendency to disregard the obvious in favor of supporting your own delusions. I am no stablemare, and I will not be treated as such.”

Poxxy: You will find yourself a job in the stables or the scullery, or you will be cast out into the street. Nobody eats for free in this kingdom, unless they are of noble blood! Or of course a member of the cloth, such as myself.

I will have no more of your petty deception. Be gone! And be glad I do not turn you over to the castle guards for your insolence.

Gem: ”Your guards might be better company than you are, Cardinal." Furious, Gem turns her back on the cardinal, stomps a hoof in frustration, and snorts, continuing down the hall toward somewhere more hospitable.

A door opens and out steps a nervous man with a name tag that just says “Jimothy”. His left hand is metal for some reason.

Jimothy: “Uh, Cardinal… Pock-sea? Poxxy, just checking… you know that I work here, right? I’m Jimothy, from the gift shop, you know, Jimothy (unless it wasn’t Jimothy). I know I didn’t have a moustache a few days ago, I… uh, my hair grows fast, yes, though I can shave it if you want.”

Poxxy: Oh, it's you. How goes the gift shop? I hope you are declaring all proceeds for taxation. Don't forget that taxes on poor folk such as yourself are currently set at 92%. A very low rate, and one that I shall soon petition The King to raise so that we might go to war in the holy land again.

Jimothy: he breathes a sigh of relief “Of course I’m doing my taxes yes yes of course yes. Yes. I’m doing it.”

Poxxy: Good. We wouldn't want you to have to befall the same fate as your money-fiddling predecessor.

Jimothy: “Ah yes, my predecessor… who was he- OR SHE- again?

Poxxy: I forget their name. They stole a day's wages through quiet quitting, a devious strategy used by the lower classes wherein they  fulfil only the text of their employment contract, and not the full spirit of it! The King had them hung, drawn and quartered, at my behest.

Eustace: A-AH! What is this place?? How did I GET here?? Who are all of you?? And why are you dressed like - like THAT? Are you all doing a play? Is this a prank?

Poxxy: Good morrow, young one. This is Spookalot Castle, centre of power in the kingdom of Chessteros. You look like an honest young peasant, so I am sure you will be able to petition for honest work in the castle if you can find someone willing to offer it.

Eustace: A peasant? Excuse me! I am from a respectable family - my parents are Intellectuals! And I don’t believe in the class system anyway! It’s a primitive and outdated social system that’s detrimental to the proper development of a society!

Poxxy: You’ll never get anywhere in life with that attitude! Why, I should have you flogged!

Jimothy: The nervous moustached man approaches Eustace

“Who are you? Did he send you?”

Eustace: Who’s “he”?

Jimothy: “Don’t you play dumb, I know he sent you. Well, you’re not going to ruin my plans!” he storms off

Sir Jo of Harquerre to Lady Wilhelmina of Murrai, August 28th

Dear Mina,

I have decided to record all my travels in this journal, as though I were writing letters to you, so that upon my return you may more fully share in my experiences.

I have finally crossed the border from Carcassonne into Chessteros. It took me many hours travel to reach it - you know how strange the roads can be in our noble kingdom of Carcassonne. Many times I found myself on a road that led nowhere but simply went around in a circle.

I have encountered some local Chessterosian farmers and they all seemed pleasant. They seem far more hard-working than the farmers of Carcasonne, who appear to be constantly laying down in the fields. One thing is strange, however: they seemed most keen to warn me that there are many goats at Castle Spookalot. Why they spoke the word “goats” with such fear, I do not know.

It is most strange, here - instead of wearing clothes of one colour all over the body, the locals here wear clothing of all different colours! How backwards.

I miss you already, my dear Mina. I hope you are comforted by the company of Lady Lucy. A polycule can be so strengthening in these times.

I shall write again once I have arrived at Castle Spookalot.

I am so eager to complete this quest and return to you, that we may then be married.

So long, my love!

Elsewhere, Gem has managed to get herself back under control again. Exactly where the cup of earl grey tea came from is up for the reader to decide, but it seems to calm her down. She watches the interactions of the others, curious.

Buster: That was from me! A gift of peace in all good faith

Gem smiles pleasantly at the spectral rabbit. "Why thank you, good sir. I appreciate your kindness very much.”

Buster: That’s what I do around here. I’m the caretaker! I care so Poxxy doesn’t have to! 😊 Only for fellow four legged friends though. The humans can go away, as it says on my quarters door. No carol singers either

"Mm.. I do find humans can be quite frustrating, yes," Gem agrees. "But, they are not all bad. For every Cardinal Poxxy worthy of scorn and derision, there are people of great honor and wisdom."

Buster: There’s a couple of humans I’ve met which I like, like The King herself, but for the most part we don’t get on. Especially the castle gardener. He won’t let me steal vegetables from his garden 😦

He killed my father, you know. Baked him into a pie. So one day, when I’m big and strong, I will go up to him and look him in the eye and say “My name is Ghost Buster. You killed my father. Prepare to die”

Gem frowns a bit, "I'm very sorry to hear about your father, Mr. Buster... but I don't condone vengeance. In my experience, revenge is often messy and served with unintended consequences."

Buster: My fellow rabbit friends do call my plan “inconceivable”, but I don’t understand what that means.

Jimothy: pops out from behind a statue "Nonsense, there can be plenty good reasons for vengeance! It is a noble cause." 

Poxxy: I, on the other hand, strongly support violence, especially against that sodding gardener. I commissioned him to trim a row of hedges in the shape of my head, and he went and took my money and then trimmed them to look like-- genitalia! Shocking behaviour for a member of the castle staff.

Chef: ”Hellu! Vhet's ill zees telk ouff fiuleens? Bork Bork Bork!"

Reep: I see already that this loathsome place is rife with all manner of abominations borne of the deepest unfathomable depths of the underworld, and that's not even counting the ghosts

Poxxy: Very true, Sir Knight! It is positively overflowing with peasants

Buster: And pheasants. Someone left the gate open and let them escape

Jimothy: ”There's nothing wrong with Peasants, it's the Children that are a real menace! They're rude, annoying, evil, they're like flies really, constantly flying about non-stop... and, uh, they can't pay for things at the gift shop, yes."

Gem: “Abominations like the Cardinal? Yes, I quite agree." Gem tugs on her uniform again. "Mr. Buster and these others seem like perfectly nice creatures, but I cannot make an accurate judgement call as yet." She offers Sir Reep a smile. "May I ask your name, sir knight?”

Reep: Sir Reep the Sleepy at your service, oddly attired maiden of unknown provenance. Art thou a reverse centaur perchance?

Gem: ”I am not, no. I am a pony, specifically a unicorn. I am Gemini Shadow, captain of a ship called Endeavour. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir knight!"

Chef: ”Pheesuonts ire-a a burd yuou cuon cuok! I'm a cheff! I cuon cuok. Iff I cuon get iccess tu zee-a keetchens, tunight's deenner vill be-a pheesuont breest vit guet's meelk cheese-a, serfed tu zee-a muosic ouff fiuleens "

Buster: The Swedish do cook birds pretty well, especially in curries. Usually only when they’re sad though. As the saying goes: Chicken Tikka? Tell me what’s wrong.

Chef: ”Ve-a ire-a cuokeeng vit zee-a fureplece-a nuo? I hefee-a't hed uny issuoes vit buorning duon buoildeengs becuose-a ouff fureplece-a icceedents... recently?"

Buster: The Swedish have a lot of songs about chicken actually. “There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, For Nandos”

Chef: ”Yes, zee-a trick is ilveys tu cuok in a huorry! “

Reep: I must steel myself and seek the nearest fireplace so that I might save my progress in the inevitable event of my untimely demise at which hour I chooseth to slay one of thee where thee stand.

Buster: Get good 😛

Reep: “Loathsome curr, how dare thee utter such a juvenile phrase in mine presence! Thou is fortunate I am a cat of honour, but I will brook no further insult from thee. Beware! This glistening blade I carry is not merely for show! It is imbued with silver capable or rending even thine ghostly rabbit flesh!

Buster: I think I’m going to ask Mr Ratburn, my teacher, to knock me down a reading level, I have no idea what you just said

Reep: Clears throat To use a more crude tongue: fuck off big ears

Eustace: I don't believe in corporal punishment! How barbaric!

Poxxy: Fortunately for the kingdom, it doesn't matter what you "believe". It only matters what I tell The King to believe! The King and I believe that flogging builds character, and so it shall be done at any opportunity! Now wait there whilst I fetch my whip.

Eustace: Are you THREATENING me?? How dare you! I'll report you to the authorities!

Gem: ”Whip that boy, Cardinal, or anyone else, and I will be forced to subdue you with the Vulcan nerve pinch."

Poxxy: YOU would report ME to the authorities!? I AM the authority!! I have power— UNLIMITED—POWER!!!! Subject me to your nerve pinch, "Captain", and I shall have you executed!

Buster: Woah, most people have only been here a day and you’re already getting argumentative and violent 😦 There must be one explanation. It’s them aliens again.

Gem: ”Speaking as an alien, I take offense to that remark.” She addresses the Cardinal. ”My dear Cardinal, I am also a mage and an expert marksmare, I never leave my ship without my phaser. The nerve pinch is the least damaging thing I could do to you.”

Poxxy: My dear Captain, the least damaging thing you could do to me is to simply shut up

Gem: ”No." Gem sips her tea again, glaring.

Chef: ”Furst ileens und nuo rets? Ouh nu!"

Jimothy: Incidentally, we’re selling plastic swords at half-off at the gift shop! To be clear, half the price and half the sword.

"Svurd? Deed sumeune-a sey svurd? Imegeene-a ill zee-a zeengs I cuould cuot vit a svurd! It's su muoch beegger thuon my keetchee-a kniffe-a!" holds out his kitchen knife innocently to show it off

Buster: My friend Arthur lifted a sword once. Was several days before he was caught

Chef: ”...vhere-a deed zees Irthuor feend hees svurd? I vuould muoch leeke-a tu cuot zeengs in my keetchee-a vit a svurd. I vuould luok leeke-a a fery pruffessiunel und respunsible-a cheff!”

Reep: Good Sir, thine language is quite incomprehensible. Hast thou a translator of some description to render thine speech less esoteric? Clarity of speech is of the utmost import in such a perilous place as we find ourselves, there is no need to embellish thine words so if thou hast any means to circumvent it!

Gem drains the last of her tea. "Stars above... this place does have Q's fingerprints all over it..."

Eustace: Aargh! Is that a cat?

Gem: ”It is, and I am a unicorn. Is there some sort of problem, sir?"

Eustace: Talking animals? What next, a dancing mouse?

Buster: Don’t worry, if the cat causes any trouble, I’ll be on the case. I have a knack for that sort of thing

Reep: Art thou a toad? For thou’s impertinent countenance bears a striking resemblance to an amphibian’s

Eustace: This is all very absurd. I prefer rational living!

Gem: ”Mm. You wouldn't last very long aboard my ship, I think. Closed-minded sorts have no place on the Endeavour."

Reep: If thou attempts to touch so much as a hair on mine head yours shalt be on the ground next!

Buster: Bring it on, whiskers!

Gem: ”Gentlecolts, please! There's no call for this sort of thing!"

Jimothy: Please, don't fight until you've gotten a castle-shaped popcorn bucket from the gift shop (no popcorn provided by me)

Reep: I hast forgotten myself, it is not befitting of a knight to challenge the first pitiful wastrel who crosses their path, I shalt not waste my effort on thee, begone!

Buster: Yeah, retreat!

Reep: A knight does not retreat! But I shalt not debase myself so by spending another second wasting my breath on thine ectoplasmic hide!

Gem nods approvingly. "Much better. Come, Sir Reep, I'm sure a gallant knight such as yourself has plenty of stories to share, do you not?" 

Reep: Indeed I have many tales with which to beguile thee, but I am tired from the journey here, and shalt retire to a fireplace to replenish mine reserves first

Gem: ”I understand. Do rest well!"

Agatha: Oh, wow, this room is full of people arguing. she pulls out a small red-and-green notebook and begins taking notes Fascinating.

Gem: Suddenly, Gem's ears perk up. A fellow scientist! She approaches Agatha, doing her best to look dignified. "Good morning, ma'am! May I ask what you're up to?"

Agatha: I’m not up to anything. Just taking notes. I'm doing a tour of these places, and part of the place is the people-watching That said, what do you know about this place?

I'm Jimothy, I work at the gift shop. That is all. Do not inquire further.

Agatha: Ooh, I love gift shops!

Gem: ”Very little, but at a cursory glance, I would estimate this castle to be dated at least as far back as Earth's medieval period, or the pre-abeyance era of Equus."

Agatha nods along, then looks a bit confused. Not sure how those places relate to Chessteros. Are you a seer, then? Or, better, a historian?

Artoria: opens the door, peeks head in "Oh thank goodness, this looks like the right castle. You know on the way here I poked my head into the wrong one and it was filled with a bunch of Ogres having a tea party and--well now I'm getting off track but it sure was an adventure! this is Castle Spookalot then? I'm Artoria, I'm here to visit!"

Agatha: Hello, Artoria, I'm Agatha!

Gem: ”And I am Gemini. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintances!"

Agatha: These are both lovely names

Artoria: Oh its a real pleasure Agatha! reaches out to shake everyone's hand over enthusiastically and you too Gemini! random dried plants drop from her pouches OH let me pick those up--sorry SORRY! What a terrible introduction cleans up ...so whats brought you both here. looks around

Gem: ”To answer your question, I am not a seer, no. A historian... sometimes, depending on the needs of the mission. A captain must be well-versed in all sorts of disciplines if she's to lead her crew effectively."

Agatha: Ohh, a captain! Well, that's real something! What sort of craft do you captain?

She stoops to help Artoria pick up plants If you like, I can help you pick these up.

Artoria: Oh thank you, that's most kind. I didn't mean to trouble you. I couldn't help gathering plants on my way here--looks like I overstuffed my pouches! smiles

Gemini shakes Artoria's hand and smiles warmly, "I admit I am not here of my own volition... I am marooned, left here by an entity my people know as Discord, but others call Q. He wants to teach me a lesson about being self-sufficient."

Turning to address Agatha, she adds: "I command the starship Endeavour, a Starfleet vessel. She's been my home for some years, and I'm very fond of her.” Then she adds: ”Indeed? Are you a botanist, Ms. Artoria?" Her horn glows as she uses telekinesis to help pick up the fallen plants.* 

Artoria: Oh! I'm an apprentice Mage, I use lots of plants in my Magecraft. Merlin always tells me I shouldn't use them for pranks as much as I do, hehe, but he still laughs when the pranks aren't on him! ...I'm sorry to hear you were Marooned here. Is this Q a Faerie King or Knight?

Agatha: She smiled at Artoria No trouble at all! It's always better to make a friend. I'm glad to make your acquaintance. She stood back up, looking at the unicorn in amazement A starship? You must be a mage of some sort, then. It's a wonder you're not hobnobbing with the Authorities like the Cardinal.

Gem bounces up and down at the mention of magic, immediately thrilled."Another magic user, how wonderful!" Collecting herself, she continues: "Q is... well, I suppose you could call him a Faerie king, goodness knows he's mad enough. And believe me, Ms. Alden, I did speak to the Cardinal. He rejected my offer of diplomacy and a possible trade deal and demanded I go work as a stablemare instead.”

Artoria: How terrible. I hope you are freed from this mad fairy king's grasp soon enough.

Gem: ”Likewise. I don't appreciate being abducted off the bridge of my own ship in the middle of a crisis. When I left, we were under attack by Romulan warbirds. Hopefully my crew are alright..." She looks off into the distance, worried.

Artoria: Oh goodness, I had no idea Rome was using birds as soldiers now. I hope for their safety too.

Agatha: Yeah, no matter what they do, the Authorities always want you to get a real job once you're old enough. But you clearly do! No idea what his problem is.

Gem: ”In many ways the Cardinal reminds me of the worst of Starfleet's admirals: overbearing busybodies with no relevance to the present moment, lashing out at anyone who dares to do things differently.”

Agatha: Ah, so admirals are the same regardless of the realm

Gem: ”Yes, exactly! Even with a thousand year gap, some things hardly change at all."

Agatha: A thousand years?

Artoria: counts on fingers thats a lot!

Gem nods, "Indeed it is. I admit I am merely estimating, but it's likely that's how far back in time I've traveled... if I have indeed traveled in time. For all I know this may still be 2401, and I am on another alien world."

Agatha: That just might be called being an adult, thinking you've traveled back in time and landed on an alien world. Like when you grow up and go back to where you grew up. Very different

Gem laughs softly. "Oh yes... Equus has changed quite a bit since I was a young filly. We've been part of the Federation for some time now, a bit of change was inevitable."

Jimothy: The Moustached one's metallic left hand falls out and he quickly tries to put it back on

Artoria: Oh! I pulled your hand off! I don't even know my own strength oh dear--let me help you with that. Usually its only fairies that are this strong..... What a lovely moustache by the way its very pause moustache-y.

Jimothy: "FAI-" he takes a deep breath "You know fairies?"

Artoria: Oh yes, our land is ruled by Faeries. We're all waiting for the child of prophecy to be born and free us from their wicked hold sighs I wonder what they'll be like. I'm too busy with my Magecraft to get involved in politics though.

Jimothy: Good, you too think they're wicked. I'm on your side.

Artoria: I'm sorry to hear you also know of their cunning cruelty.

Buster: Fairies are pretty cool. They make the washing up 10 times easier.

Artoria: opens mouth, shuts mouth, tilts head ...They help you wash up???

Buster: Yep! Well, it’s a baby really.

Artoria: A.... b-baby Fae? Is it... here?

Jimothy: I believe he's getting myths mixed up. Babies are stolen by fairies sometimes, you see, and replaced with changelings. 

Artoria: nods solemnly this happened to my buddy Eric.

Agatha: Are babies being kidnapped? Gosh.  takes notes

Gem: "Hm... Fascinating... I shall have to pursue this at a later date."

Jimothy, to Artoria: Shame about your friend. If only we knew where the fairies took children, then we could... Get them back. Of course... I may have some theories.

Buster: Your theory better not be “it could be bunnies” 😦

Artoria: Its a frequent problem. But with the Faeries in charge, what can you do? looks dour and sad I always wonder if my parents sent me away to prevent that. Jimothy, I believe we will have much to discuss these coming days.

Jimothy: Indeed. Indeed. Vaguely sinister smile, walks off into the distance

Gem: "Your parents sent you away? Oh, my dear Artoria, I am so sorry... no parent should abandon their foal for any reason!"

Agatha: Parents are always doing things like that. Which makes it easier to...uh, do things they might not approve of, but also things that would make them proud.

Artoria: Neither Merlin or my foster father Ector will tell me about my parents, but I'm sure they had a good reason for it. Ector found me in a basket floating down the river--can you believe that? My foster brother Kay says it wasn't a very nice basket, but he's like that.

Gem gives Artoria a hug. "You seem like a well-adjusted young mare in spite of your difficult upbringing... I am glad of that, at least. My own mother was wonderful, I miss her very much."

Artoria: I'm glad you were able to know her, the kindness in your eyes as you speak of her says quite a lot.

Agatha: My parents were mostly never on the pa--I mean, at home. They were always at work, or traveling, or what not. Gave me plenty of time to get to know the neighborhood and its denizens

Gem: "My mother was a first-chair cellist in the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra, she had hope I would follow her into the music world. But when she saw my destiny lay in the stars, she embraced that too." She sighs, an odd mix of love and sadness. "Thank you, Artoria, I am too... and I hope you, my dear, have someone in your life that fills the same role."

Artoria: Canterlot? That sounds a lot like Camelot! I wonder if there's some relationship there?

Gem: "You know, it's possible... though humans have not been seen on Equus since the very ancient days of Meghan, in what is referred to as the paleo-pony period. Yet, there are similarities everywhere... the mind boggles."

Artoria: "Well, I suppose at somepoint I'll have to get some odd-jobs around here if I'm sticking around a bit. Either doing magecraft, or more likely working in stables if they have openings. I'm good with horses! pause Would prefer selling magecraft though...."

Eustace: August 29th. Nearly four hours in this ghastly castle, if it isn't a dream. All the while feeling cold, damp, and hungry. Hospitality terrible here and architecture worse. Surrounded by absurd creatures dressed up like they're going to a fancy-dress party. 

Man in ugly red suit goes about bossing people around - he threatened to whip me! Will note down his name and report him for assault when I finally get to the British Consul. Keeping this diary as evidence; there must be some record of my hopefully short time in this wretched place!

Almost wish my dreadful cousins were here. Experience would not be improved by their company of course and E. is always an absolute beast to be around in close quarters, but think L. would fit right in, she is a perfect fool for fairy stories. She would be best friends with that awful cat thing by now. On second thought best they are not here after all, no chance at all they would be sensible. 

Artoria: Oh! Hello, it's good to see another younger person here. I too know how to read and write, we have that in common. My name is Artoria--what's yours?

Eustace: Artoria! What a funny name. My name is Eustace Clarence Scrubb.

You know how to read and write? Is that not common here?

Artoria: It's good to meet you Eustace! It's fairly uncommon where I'm from at least, can everyone where you are? That would be quite something.

Eustace: Well, yes, almost everybody. Except babies, I suppose. Harold says that's why England is such a civilised country - not like those other primitive places in the Empire!

Artoria: England, I've never heard of it but it must be quite the place! I come from Farie Britain, in the kingdom of Avalon. England has an Empire, like Rome?

Eustace: Farie Britain! Why, that's just a story! I had a book about Fairies once and I thought they were real, but Alberta told me that was just for fun and I should know that already because I was a grown-up boy. She says only silly children can't tell the difference between Facts and Make-Believe

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hi guys! Oh, this is such a great place to research what I'm sure will become my best known and most loved role! So spooky and haunting!

Buster: It’s Muffy the Vampire Slayer 😮

Artoria: Oh you're an actress! How lovely, the traveling players would come by our farm in the summers it was so joyful.

SMG: The arts truly are wonderful!

Gem waves hello, “Good afternoon, Ms. Gellar."

SMG: My performance as Daphne will be so iconic everyone will forget I ever worked with that bas- wait this is 2001- that acclaimed feminist writer director who really respects women, he's so good to work with

Reep: Ah, I feel refreshed after a good few hours sitting beside the fire, staring at the bewitching dancing embers and levelling up mine abilities (I did not succumb to the urge to slumber, for my knightly oath forbids any catnaps). Alas, my good spirits have taken a sudden turn upon finding this milksop moping in the drawing room. Thine handwriting is truly abysmal.

Eustace: AAH! The cat! How dreadful, take it away!

Reep: Petulant urchin, do they not know of manners where thou hails from?

Artoria: tenses, curtseys ...greetings, sir knight.

Reep: bows It is a pleasure to make thine acquaintance my dear traveller!

Eustace: Who are you calling "urchin"! And you talk about manners! Anyway, Alberta always says that slavish devotion to manners is jus another way of hiding from the Facts. You cannot let politeness stop you from speaking the truth, and the truth is that talking cats are unnatural! And what is that, anyway, a sword? How barbaric!

Reep: I am merely commenting on what I see before mine eyes. A scrawny brat who mistakes pretension for intelligence

Artoria: What do you mean talking cats are unnatural? laughs playfully oh you jest, right? Like this is a game where we pretend things don't talk that usually do? Birds do not talk! Humans do not talk!

Eustace: Well, I suppose cats must talk in their own way, but they don't usually speak English, now do they?

Artoria: Oh I see, do they speak Latin here instead of English? Or perhaps Welsh or Irish? Pict?

Buster: Talking cats are perfectly normal where I come from! We have all sorts of talking animals, aardvarks, rabbits, monkeys, whatever the fuck “The Brain” is. Granted, we also have animals that don’t talk, some exactly the same species as the ones who do, but that might be a bit complicated to go into.

Eustace:Why, that's ridiculous!

Buster: In fact, we don’t have any people who look like you in my home town. Perhaps you’re ridiculous.

Poxxy: Reading and writing are skills that are only necessary for lords and members of the clergy. All others would do well to remember their place and make clear that they do not hold pretensions above their station.

And don't get me started on those monks! Always writing, writing, writing! It won't be like this once The King and I have done away with the monasteries.

Eustace: I don't like monks much either. I believe in Rationality.

Poxxy: Is that a form of Protestantism?

Eustace: Not at all! Protestantism isn't Rational. Harold and Alberta say that religion is just superstition dressed up in fancy clothing. I'm way too grown-up for such a thing. I don't like to talk about that in front of my cousins, though. They're dead religious. It's very sad.

Gem: "Those who doubt the existence of deities should meet my Princesses. A minute with Luna would put an end to such doubts." 

Poxxy: Outrageous!!! Why-- I've a mind to report you to The King! She's also the Head of the Church of Chessteros, and therefore the Supreme Authority on all matters of the soul. She is ordained by God - the true God, the God who is forever and always on the side of Chessteros. Whereas I doubt you have even seen the inside wall of a church, you heathen scum!

Eustace: Well, they wouldn’t be gods if you could speak to them, would they! They’d be Beings, just like you! 

Poxxy: None can speak to God but The King

Buster: And me, as I’m technically dead

Eustace: Oh, you sound like my cousin Peter. He’s always bossing people about and going on about God and such. He’s a dreadful bore, and so are you!

Reep: I sense thee doesn’t like aught beyond the sound of thy own voice

Eustace: Why, that’s very rude! Manners, you said!

Reep: I reserve mine manners for those worthy of them. Thou hath done little to earn my respect this far

Poxxy: This is a wise outlook. Reserve your respect for your betters, and do not squander it on these lowly peasants.

Eustace: I don’t have to prove myself to you! You’re a cat with a red feather behind your ear!

Poxxy: Your cousin Peter sounds like a wise lad who knows his place.

And what does he do? Does he intend to enter into the service of the Church? A noble way of life. Or perhaps he has a master already? You could send him to me, I'm always looking for good and dedicated young lads to provide with some nepotism.

Eustace: He’s probably going to become an academic, he’s always swotting about with this dusty old professor. Like I said, a total bore. Mind you, I don’t think he’s all that clever. I think people just listen to him because he’s oldest.

Eustace: Harold says cats are dirty creatures. I asked him for one once when I was younger but he said keeping pets was a silly way for insecure people to reassure themselves of their place in the natural order. Rational men like us don’t need such a reminder!

Reep: PET?!? How dare you!

Eustace: Well, certainly you’re not my pet. As I said, I have no need for one, and no pet of mine would go about with something as ridiculous as a sword. Of all things!

Artoria: looks between Reep and Eustace  Perhaps some chocolate would help ease this divide? unwraps a home molded bar

Eustace: Oh! Why, that’s… unexpectedly decent of you! Is that Hershey’s?

Poxxy: I think I'LL be taking that, if you don't mind

That's an undeclared item from abroad, if I'm not mistaken. We monitor trade closely here in Chessteros. This item will have to be taken to The King, where she and I can inspect it more thoroughly.

Gem: "Cardinal! Return that chocolate bar at once! It was not yours to take!"

Poxxy: All property is the property of The King!

Eustace: It’s alright, Horsey - tariff-taking is a natural function of local government. Though I’m not convinced this local government is legitimate. Seems somewhat tinpot to me!

Poxxy: I'll have your neck for that!  This is the legitimate government, ordained by God and confirmed by the Head of the Church of Chessteros, so whatever I say goes!

Gem: "First off, my name is Gemini, not Horsey. Second of all, while I'm sure the King is lovely, I can't say I think much of her officers!" Gem narrows her eyes, glaring at the Cardinal.

Reep: Draws rapier I shall not stand for this insult! I am not in the habit of stooping so low as to threaten a child (moreover the rules of my world render it impossible without black magic) but there must be an exception to every rule! Engarde, boy!

Eustace: What is he on about?

Reep: I see a demonstration is in order! Pokes with sword

Eustace: OW! What was THAT for?? This - this creature is violent! It’s dangerous! Oh, get it away!

Reep: Impertinence, condescension, belligerence and general boorishness

Eustace: You hit me!

Gem: "You are not injured, are you?"

Eustace: (sulkily) No… I mean, not really - just a scratch, I think. Jolly decent of you to ask, though, even if you are a talking horse. It’s good to know all you animals aren’t in league with one another or anything

Gem smiles at him. "I am a Starfleet captain, it is my job to lend assistance to anyone, regardless of species. I am glad to see you're alright."

Reep: Tis nothing more than a scratch. I did not intend to wound, I left the protective tip on mine rapier to prevent tiresome legal ramifications

Eustace: It was still jolly rotten of you! I think all violence is barbaric! I am a pacifist.

Reep: And yet, cruel words and intentions can inflict greater harm than any weapon

Eustace: Why, words are just words! Alberta says that people who get offended easily are just being feeble-minded. I’m not sure she’s right about that, though. I suppose words can do some damage - especially if they’re on legal reports. That’s why I’m taking notes for the British Consul. They’ll sort all of this out good and proper!

Reep: Thy mind must be feeble indeed then

Eustace: Why - ! … you are being deliberately insulting and I shall rise above

Reep: Aha! Now thou gets it! I have garnered much entertainment from watching thee squirm at mine wordplay!

Eustace: Squirm nothing! I have responded with dignity and have not resorted to… gross and egregious acts of brutality!

Reep: Pathetic, thou receives barely a light bruise from the cushioned tip of mine sword and cries bloody murder like a wailing widow! I dread to think how thee wouldst fare in battle boy!

Gem: "Not very well, I imagine. Ensigns with his attitude are more likely to find themselves on the wrong end of a bat'leth."

Artoria: without her chocolate plan Artoria sighs and leans on her staff

Gem soon finds herself admiring Artoria's staff and asks, "Is this how you cast spells?"

Artoria: Many of them! This is the staff of selection, I pulled it out of a rock. Merlin says that will mean something important when I'm older but for now it helps with much of my magecraft

Gem: "I see! May I ask how it works? It's so very rare I come across another magic-wielding race!"

Artoria: Well, Merlin says I use the staff to focus the energy from my magical circuits, and the staff itself has its own mana. I can shape my thoughts into things!

Eustace: So it is make-believe! You should meet my cousin Lucy. You would have a lot to talk about. 

Gem: “Ah, so it is similar to my horn! How very interesting!" She uses her own magic to float the Cardinal's hat around before placing it back on his head without him noticing. "That was just simple telekinesis, I can do much more than that."

Artoria: blinks, holds out staff, conjures a small orb of light "I'm not very good yet but it's certainly real. Mostly I just do tricks like this I still have to roll up my sleeves if there's a tussle-pop pop bam!" throws a few punches at the air

Poxxy: Do you have a permit to commit these magic tricks?

Eustace: Aah! More violence! I’m disappointed, Artoria - I took you for a more civilised sort.

Artoria: pulls out a permit I hope so, Merlin said I couldn't do anything game breaking, whatever that meant. Is this legal here?

Poxxy: Oh yes, that's fine, fine. All in order. Thank you. And yes, please do avoid doing anything game breaking. It truly would be most unfortunate if I was compelled to expel you from the kingdom.

Artoria: Oh thank goodness. Merlin can be so unreliable but he really pulled through for once... I'll be sure to not do game breaking things! awkwardlywhatever that means!

Eustace: Why on earth would I want to be in a battle? Wars are all just beastly - all the sugar gone and all the decent houses turned to rubble, and my cousins even had to flee to the countryside, of all things! And they were never right again, you know. They came back all queer.

I’m glad nothing like that ever happened to me!

Reep: Come to think of it, I have met thine kin, Eustace. They aided my comrades and I in driving the Telemarketers from the shores of Nernia and installing Prince Thespian on the throne. One does not choose war, child. War chooses you.

Poxxy, to Eustace: You are foolish and naive. There is nothing more worthy or gallant than for a young man such as yourself to die in battle in the name of God and his kingdom.

Eustace: Oh, you’ve heard that old story, have you? Lucy always has such tall tales and everybody has to humour her. I understand it coming from her brothers, Peter hasn’t a spine under the bluster and Edmund is the queerest boy you’ll ever meet, but I’m disappointed in Susan. I always thought she was sensible.

Artoria: I'm glad Edmund trusted you all to come out!

Eustace: To come out of what?

Artoria: The closet!

Gem: "Or in this case, a wardrobe."

Poxxy: Wardrobes? Closets? What on earth are you all talking about? This sounds like spurious nonsense to me. I never heard of anybody coming out of any closets.

Eustace: Oh, not that one again - honestly, it’s humiliating, thinking of four children huddling up in an old wardrobe for hours thinking of silly stories. I almost wish they’d stayed in there!

Reep: And yet thou stands in the midst of a castle inhabited by the spirits of the dead while conversing with all manner of creatures while still disbelieving the evidence before his very eyes? Who is truly the one living a fantasy?

Buster: They can’t, it’s where the King keeps all her skeletons!

Poxxy: Don't get silly with me, Buster

Artoria: Your family had four queer children in the closet? Wow!

Eustace: Well, they weren’t in there for very long, were they? They had to go to tea eventually, or dinner and things.

Artoria: moved I'm so glad they felt comfortable to leave it so quickly

Reep: Dear Lucy, she is the most courageous of them all. And Susan! What a brilliant mind she had, and such skill and gracewith a bow. It is a great shame that Aslion said that she and Peter could not return to Nernia, for I miss her dearly

Artoria: I'm sorry you had friends banished 

Eustace: How did you know that Susan does archery? I never told you that!

Reep: I told you, I met thine cousins myself

Artoria: Reep, you know Eustace's family?

Reep: Indeed! We shared the most wonderful adventures!

Eustace: Hmm…. It’s such a queer sport for a girl. She swims too, you know. She’s very athletic.

Artoria: well that does sound like an appealing queer girl...

Eustace: Is this a joke? Did Edmund put you up to this?

Buster: Do you really think your cousins would do that, Eustace? Just go into a wardrobe and tell lies?

Eustace: Oh, who knows what they’d do! Like I said, they’re ever so queer.

Poxxy: It's important for all boys and men to practice archery every week, so that they might defend the kingdom in battle! But not girls, unless they be of noble blood. Women of noble blood may do almost as they please. But peasant women? They must know their place.

Eustace: That’s sexist! Why, women should be allowed the same rights as men in a civilised society! Even if it is a bit odd, the things they do with them.

Poxxy: What an absurd suggestion. I don't care about women's rights! I only care about women's wrongs, in the sense that I enjoy punishing transgressions no matter the gender of the transgressor.

Gem: "Your insistence on traditional gender roles is incredibly tiresome, Cardinal. If the people of my time believed these things, I would still be an ensign, if that."

Poxxy: If you want my opinion, it's about time for you to ENSIGN ON for some form of employment suitable for a lowly peasant such as yourself!

Gem: "I quite like the job I have, thank you. Is this how you treat all captains in your realm?"

Poxxy: I'm afraid that with no evidence that you ARE a captain, I have no choice but to treat you as a common lying peasant. And I encourage you to find work only because I do not wish to see you starve to death in front of my eyes.

Gem: "If it is proof you require, I could read you some of my mission reports. I am told they make for engaging entertainment."

Poxxy: I can't imagine I will have much patience for your fanciful stories

Gem: "On that, we agree."

Poxxy: Then it is settled. You will find yourself honest work. Perhaps you could petition the chef for some work in the kitchen. I suspect he will be only too happy to oblige, if you can decipher what it is that he is saying.

Reep: Loath as I am to speak ill of Aslion’s judgement, but I truly think Susan deserved better. I hope she is able to return to Nernia one day, she is as worthy as any soul I’ve known to abide here

Eustace: Susan’s alright, I suppose. Best of a bad lot if nothing else.

Artoria: ...I had no idea things were so restricted by gender here. Though Merlin did say in another world I'd have had to dress as a boy and be called Arthur but I don't know what he meant by that honestly

Buster: 😮A-arthur?

Artoria: Yes! The boy form of the name Artoria!

Poxxy: The King had a brother called Arthur in her youth. He was supposed to take the throne, but then he died as a result of a malign vapour.

Buster: He was my good friend 😦

Artoria: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are here to keep his memory going.

Poxxy: Yes, his death was a sad day for the whole kingdom. Especially for the King.

Artoria: How tragic! 😦

Reep, to Buster: Doth thou understand the concept of a name belonging to more than one person?

Buster: You mean like a CLONE 😱Identity theft isn’t a joke Sir Reep, millions of families suffer every year!

Reep: Stares into the camera like it’s the medieval Office

Artoria: what is a clone?

Gem: "A clone is an exact copy of another organism, utterly identical to the original in every respect."

Artoria: Oh, so like a fetch made by the fae?

Gem: "Yes, precisely! Though sometimes, there are defects or mistakes. Cloning is very difficult, even in the twenty fifth century."

Reep: Can thou imagine evoking someone else’s likeness? Ghastly.

Buster: I dunno, rabbits can clone ourselves quite easily 😉

Gem: "Oh, I'm well aware... Fluttershy's pet rabbit Angel is really more of a demon than anything remotely holy."

Reep: Speaking of pets, I must ask Buster, why doth thou people keep other sentient beings of the same species as pets? In Nernia there are talking and non-talking variations upon the same animals, but all are treated with the dignity and respect befitting them

Buster: I don’t actually have an answer to that one 🤷

Gem: "There are some questions too deep for the mortal mind to comprehend."

Buster: There are. How does my friend Arthur keeps his spectacles on his face for starters

Artoria: I've found it quite easy--though I don't actually need them really, but I do have a pair. You just set them on your nose and ears!

Gem: ”I am fortunate enough not to need glasses, but I have often wondered the same thing regarding my aunt Vinyl’s shades. Perhaps that’s why she keeps her headphones on at all times.”

Reep: I hath never seen an aardvark with such a… lack of snout before

Buster: Yeah, who nose what’s going on there. Don’t get me started on my friend Arthur’s headphones!

Gem: "Were it not for the position of his ears, I'd almost say he was human... your world fascinates me, Mr. Buster."

SMG: SMG's stunt double walks in, starts doing kicks and flips Don't mind her, she just sort of there wherever I go

Artoria: A clone! A fetch!

Gem: "What attracted you to the role of mystery solver, miss?"

SMG: The chance to play a fresh and empowered take on a classic female character! Also the money. Not a clone, we just look very alike! Some people have said we could almost be twins! I think you get used to the subtle differences with time, though

Poxxy: Money is an excellent motivator, I always find. I am a big fan of money, myself

Gem: "In my time, the acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force of our lives. We work to better ourselves and the rest of universe... but I am pleased to be acquainted with someone who supports equality and feminism."

Poxxy: Sounds positively awful

Gem: "Mm. A vast improvement over capitalism, it must be said. Unless you are a Ferengi."

Poxxy: I do not know of this "capitalism" of which you speak. In Chessteros, we do not answer to capital. We answer to God, The King and our betters!

Buster: I answer to Buster, myself 😛 The dream... (An image of Arthur being showered in money.)

Poxxy: If only you had had the vision and ambition that I have had, Buster, this dream of yours could have become a reality

Buster: It’s hard to have ambition and dreams when you stay being 8 years old forever. I’ve been in a third grade class for 25 years Cardinal Proxy, what’s the point in thinking about tomorrow

Poxxy: By the time I was eight, I was already looking towards enrolling at Oxfish University. You can never start too soon!

Gem: "Don't give in to pessimism, Mr. Buster! Even a ghost can have a fulfilling second life if you put your mind to it."

Buster: That is true! I shouldn’t let anything stop me just because I can’t read

Poxxy: A high-ranking ghost such as Buster, certainly. I doubt you would be worthy of the same ambition yourself, "Captain."

Gem: "Oh no, Cardinal. The life of a starship captain has been my dream since I was five years old, and I have achieved that wish. Now, I simply want to continue serving in that role as long as I can. I need nothing else, when I can sail among the stars."

To Buster she says, "You cannot read? Would you like me to teach you how?"

Buster: That would be very kind of you!

Poxxy: Yes, I am sure that the life you occupy in your daydreams is most fulfilling. After all, you will never ascend to higher status in real life, for you are too argumentative to gain favour with anyone of higher rank!

Not to mention that the very idea of sailing among the stars is absurd, and impossible even for The King herself. The stars do not exist to be explored. They exist to decorate the sky, so that the nobility might better enjoy the pleasure of the night.

Gem: "Oh come now, the night belongs to everyone. Sailing among the stars may be impossible for you, but it may not always be so." She then takes out her PADD from earlier, and tapping it a few times, begins teaching Buster to read... though she doesn't get very far.

Jo: knocks on doors of castle

Artoria: ...visitor! ...who uh, whose job is the door?

Buster: Password?

Jo: Oh dear, erm, fumbles with papers I don’t think I was given a password. I have my official documentation, though!

Poxxy: Papers? Did someone say they had papers!?

Jo: Greetings! I’ve been sent by Lord Peter of Hawekyng in the Kingdom of Carcasonne, to deliver documents to Cardinal Poxxy about the trade deal with Chessteros!

Poxxy: Oh! You come on behalf of Carcassonne! That certainly means a great deal. Please, Sir Junior Knight, follow me and I shall show you to our best guest quarters.

Jo: Thank you. Carcassonne has plentiful wine, wheat and cloth to trade with the Kingdom of Chessteros. This may be the best trade deal in the history of trade deals.

Poxxy: That is well. The King's father imposed a trade embargo against your kingdom some years ago, but the new King and I wish to live in an age of plenty. We have no interest in maintaining the former King's penal measures against foreign nations - when we have differences, we prefer to go to war over them! So we look forward to a bountiful trading relationship with your kingdom.

Jo: Oh, yes, uh, trade definitely sounds better than war. I don’t really know much about politics myself to be honest, I was just sent to deliver the documents. It’s my first quest as a newly qualified Junior Knight! After I have successfully completed my quest, I can marry my betrothed.

Poxxy: Why, a marriage! Cause for celebration! I shall break out the wine at once. Please, Sir Junior Knight, pray tell - do you fear any impediment to marriage? If you need an annulment on a previous marriage, I can have The King grant one to you forthwith. Or if there is another after the heart of your beloved, we can have them killed.

Sir Jo of Harquerre to Lady Wilhelmina of Murrai, August 28th

My dear Mina,

I have arrived at Castle Spookalot. I was greeted by a Cardinal with a strange pox upon his face. He showed me to some pleasant guest quarters, and was enthusiastic about the trade deal.

The guest quarters are beautifully furnished and comfortable. However, there are frequent noises of “woooooo”,  which are rather distracting. I suppose it must be the pipes, but I do not wish to mention the issue as it might be impolite. Also, there are sudden chilly drafts. But as a Knight I am prepared for hardship.

I still don’t know why the local peasants were trying to warn me about “goats”. I haven’t even seen any goats since I arrived at the castle.

Your beloved Jo

Reep: I hath returned from venturing into this infernal castle’s dungeons, where I encountered a foul creature by the name of ‘Francis, Guzzler of the Damned’. 

With mine trusty blade I ran him through, but not before he crushed me in one fell blow from his mace fashioned from the souls of the meek (I confess that I put all my energy and experience into improving my battle prowess instead of my constitution). 

Nevertheless, the battle is won and the beast defeated! I hath achieved mine first victory in Spookalot! Huzzah!

Buster: Hooray! Congratulations Sir Reep! I’ve defeated a few beasts in my time too. If you ever come across one that’s giving you too much trouble, and you’re having great difficulty winning the battle, let me solo her

Reep: And all before the ripe age of eight, most impressive. This reminds me of my most arduous duel with the fearsome swordmaiden Melanie, Blade of Michelangelo. I died and was revived by the grace of Aslion nigh fourty times before emerging victorious, I could have done with your sword then, such as it is.

Gem: "I can't stand warfare, I much prefer diplomacy. But sadly, peace is not always possible."

Poxxy: Peace is only possible when the money for war runs out

Reep: My fair filly, forgive mine impertinence, but why doth thou speak in such a stranger tongue?

Gem: "I come from a century far beyond yours, Sir Reep. We speak differently there."

Reep: Thou art from the future? 

Gem: "Quite so! The year 2401, to be precise."

Reep: Incredible! And here I was fearing that the world would end in a mere few hundred years in a dubious heavy handed allegory

Gem: "Ah, well, the road to my century is very long and filled with difficulty and strife. But you will get there, and be all the better for it."

Poxxy: The world shall end when the Kingdom of Chessteros falls - and may that day never come.

Reep: Thou, so-called man of the cloth, art as pious as a drunken minotaur who uses ill-fated kittens for target practice when relieving his undersized bladder! Ahem I am not of course drawing this highly specific metaphor from personal experience

Gem: "I helped bring down an empire once... that was quite an experience."

Poxxy: A hostile nation, I hope, and not one of Chessteros's allies

Gem: "Oh yes, very hostile. The Lunar Empire was a truly terrifying force to be reckoned with, I am very glad to see the back of it."

[Jo has returned from their guest quarters, changed into day clothes instead of armour.]

Jo: Thank you for your kind words of congratulations! Lady Wilhelmina is truly a wonderful person. I carry my picture of her everywhere I go. (They produce an image of an entirely yellow person.)

Poxxy: She certainly looks... Distinctive!

Jo: Oh goodness, that isn’t how we do things in Carcassonne! We have what we call “open relationships”.

Poxxy: How... Interesting! Well, when one is of high rank such as yourself, one can do as one pleases... If you follow my meaning. You will find no judgement from me. The King, after all, enjoys relationships with many women. At present, she has no less than six wives!

Jo: Goodness, six partners! That’s even more than Mina’s friend Lady Lucy has!

Poxxy: Yes, The King had to establish a new religion in order to make it legal. She has told me that she has no regrets. Two of her wives are headless ghosts... When you are The King, you can truly be into whatever you like.

Jo wonders whether these are the goats that the peasants were talking about, but is too polite to say anything. It sounds like a very strange species of goat, too, but after all this is a different kingdom, and people wear all sorts of different colours here, so who knows what’s normal here.

Jimothy: steps out from behind a potted plant that wasn’t at all concealing him  I had some questions about that - should the gift shop still be selling merch of those ones?

Poxxy: Yes, anything that raises cash for the kingdom will be of great assistance in funding upcoming wars and of course the college I'm having built in my own honour at Oxfish University 

Jimothy: Noted. When are their death anniversaries, I need to raise the prices then.

Poxxy: God knows. Just make it up. Nobody will be any the wiser.

Jimothy: Then their death anniversary shall be every day! 

Poxxy: Excellent

Meanwhile in a corner of the room, Gem quietly records a log entry.

Captain’s log, stardate 77657.3: My first few hours in Spookalot Castle have been mixed. To my relief I am not the only non-human residing here, and I have been able to make friends, as I have hoped. However, I have also made an enemy of Cardinal Poxxy, a close-minded man who thinks my career is a fantasy, and demands that I find work as a cook or a stablemare. I did try to enter into diplomatic discussions with him, but he rebuffed me almost instantly. I have therefore decided to treat him with the same amount of respect he has shown me.

On a happier note, one of the friends I mentioned is a fellow magic user: her name is Artoria, and she comes from a land called Avalon. She seems to be a feminine incarnation of Arthur, the mythological king of Great Britain. When I explained my situation to her, she described Q as being a Faerie king, a description that is frankly rather apt. Another friend, Agatha, appears to be some sort of historian. I am glad to have found friends here, no doubt I will be relying heavily on them to form a crew in the days to come.

There is one other character I’ve met that intrigues me: Sir Reep, a knight of a place called Nernia. Sir Reep is a cat, and appears to speak similarly to Princess Luna when she is feeling especially theatrical. (He certainly shares her warrior mindset, no doubt the two of them would have much in common if they met.) I will be watching him closely… I could use a tactical officer.

Artoria: Frowns Can someone tell me about this new religion I keep hearing about?

Poxxy: It is very like the old religion in almost every way, except that The King is in charge, and of course there are no limits to how many people that one of noble blood may marry - either successively or simultaneously 

Gem: "I was unaware humans were familiar with the principles of herding... intriguing."

Artoria: ”So do you worship the old gods or the new one?"

Gem: ”From what I have seen of him today, I would suggest he worships the coin of the realm."

Aife: There is a knocking at the door.

Surprised, Gem goes to open it with her magic. "Good evening, and welcome to Castle Spookalot. May I be of assistance?"

Artoria: A new guest! So many people here today.

Aife: The woman before Gem is not old, but her skin is so pale it seems grey, and her long hair is as grey as her irises. "May I enter, to begin with?"

Gem: ”But of course!" Gem moves to one side so the woman can enter.

Artoria: squints looks down to see if her feet have crossed the threshold "That's a curious question for—" hears Gemini answer "...nevermind"

Aife: ”Thank you," she says as she crosses the threshold. Then, to Artoria: "And don't pry, hmm? I bring no harm.” She tries to wipe some of the rain off the sleeves of her dress. Largely fails. It's torrential out there.

Artoria: ”Those are easy words. But I will take them nonetheless. Here, let me help, you're soaking wet."

Aife: She nods in appreciation. "Thank you, girl. Now: I don't suppose either of you know if this is the place one might go to break a family curse?"

Gem shakes her head, "I believe Ms. Artoria and I are quite alien to this castle... but when it comes to matters of magic, you've come to the right place."

Artoria: ”I've seen many family curses in my time, though I'm no expert... oh if only Merlin were here, here's never where you need him when you want him, and always where you don't want him when you don't need him.... what is your curse like?"

Aife: scoffs "If you mean the Merlin I think you mean, keep him out of it; my country has had quite enough trouble from those across the water. But yes, my curse..."

Artoria: ”Look, Merlin might be unreliable, manipulative, selfish, literally part demon, annoying--sorry I lost track what was I saying?"

Aife: ”You were telling me about how he was English, yes."

Artoria: ”Oh right--but he is my mentor none-the-less!"

Aife: ”But yes. My great-great-grandmother Éabha was taken advantage of by Diarmait Mac Murhcada, the King of Leinster. He took her as his mistress in secret, and when she fell pregnant, he of course pretended to have no knowledge of her and banished her from the land. As an act of revenge, Éabha stole a gift Diarmait had received from his mother: an apple tree sapling.

"But what Éabha didn't realise is that Diarmait's mother knew enough of magic to give this sapling protection. It wanted to be planted. And she threw it over the cliff into the sea, dashed it on the rocks.

"The curse of the bad apples has been upon my family ever since. Deaths and disappearances. Terrible losses and tragedies. Wounds you carry with you always."

Gem paces back and forth in full scientist mode. "Sounds like a complicated case indeed, ma'am... the cursebreaker unicorns of Equus would have their work cut out. But we may be able to come up with something, if we work together.”

Aife: Smiles gratefully "That sounds promising."

Buster: Get together and make things better, by working together!

Artoria: pumps fist Its a simple message what you just said, but it comes from the heart!

Buster: Believe in yourself, that’s the place to start!

Artoria listens closely and nods along "That does sound serious... also a little familiar. Is your land close to Fairy Britain?"

Aife: ”I hail from the Kingdom of Leinster in Ireland. So, if Fairy Britain is in the same place as Britain, then yes."

Gem already has her PADD out, looking thoughtful as she peruses digital copies of spellbooks from her homeland. "One spell won't do it, but perhaps if I combine multiple runes together..."

Aife: ”Don't wear yourself out just yet. I've seen healers try to break curses like this overnight, and it never works... more of a full-week deal.”

Gem: ”Mm, quite right, we have time. But a bit of preliminary research never hurt anypony. Besides which, no doubt Ms. Artoria has her own tricks up her sleeve. As our spectral rabbit friend says, working together is the way forward." Gem smiles.

Artoria: I think so! Oh, i see, was it just called Britain before Morgan Le Fey started her rule? Interesting.... Well hail and well met regardless!

Aife: ”In any event, the first and most useful thing I can do now is rest. There are lodgings here, yes?"

Gem: ”There are rooms here, yes, and it is quite late... shall we lead you to them?"

Artoria: I’m not entirely sure. I'm expecting I'll have to sleep in the stables in exchange for work there, but that's nothing unusual.

Gem: ”In the stables?! Certainly not, I will pay that wretched cardinal no mind. You'll sleep in proper quarters, as I'd offer to anyone in my crew."

Aife: She relaxes a little; her normal accent starts filtering through. "That could be good, yeah.”

Artoria: tilts head I won't turn down the offer of a free nice bed, but there's nothing unusual about sleeping in the stables. I slept in the barn most of the time growing up, with the horses. I'm just an ordinary village girl after all.  But if you wish to put me up in a fancy bed I will gladly take it.

Buster: I once stayed at a guest house owned by the King’s second wife. The Annebol Inn.

Gem smiles gently. "Even an ordinary village girl deserves to be treated with respect." With that, she'd look to Buster. "Mr. Buster, if you wouldn't mind showing us the way, please?"

Buster: Right this way!

Aífe follows the talking eight-year-old rabbit.

Gem walks with the other two, every bit the polished military officer.

Artoria follows the others, eyes going everywhere in the grand castle as she goes!

Jimothy stays in the room for a moment to think aloud [Laughing] Nobody suspects my dark secret yet. he leaves

Aífe opens one of the doors: a four-poster bed draped in deep scarlets. "Ah, perfect. Afraid I can't converse further, on account of having travelled so far. I'm sure I'll get to know you both better on the morrow. And thank you both for your help again." She smiles, dimples on her bony cheeks.

Gem smiles back. "Pleasant dreams, miss. And you are most welcome."

Artoria: ”Sweet dreams, miss!"

Aífe smiles and shuts the door. Throws herself down on the bed. She can still smell apples.

Reep: Hark, I awoke to the sound of maniacal cackling issuing from yonder! Is it one of the spirits that walks these halls? Or one of the living with nefarious intent who has yet to master the art of subtlety? 

Jimothy: calls from another room No you didn't!

Gem: ”It is difficult to say, Sir Reep... but there are certainly some here that make my hackles rise."

Artoria: Ah, good eventide sir Reep!

Reep: Greetings fair maiden! Thou art in good spirits this night!

Artoria: I am, I've gotten to meet so many people from so many places! I'm not sure why my teacher sent me here, but it seems a lot of people have come here at the same time. How are you doing, Sir Knight?

Buster: The spirits that walk these halls aren’t too bad! Most of them are very friendly, and the ones that do give you a lot of trouble, just show them your cross and that’ll do the trick. Seriously, shouting “I am very furious with you” works wonders.

Gem looks perplexed. "Do the crosses have some property that wards them off?"

Buster: The effect crosses have on the undead is something I haven’t been able to nail down

Gem: ”Shame... if my science officer was with me, I'd ask her to look into it."

Artoria: It is the symbol of the new god, the Christ. So that must be why its effective, they must be scared of that god. Ghosts were scared of holy symbols of some of the old gods too so it makes sense! 

Gem: ”Indeed? I can't say I am familiar with this new god you mention... I might have some additional research to do tonight.”

Reep: I am tired from my long journey. For a cat to be denied the comfort of napping is most aggrieving, but alas, such is the hand I’ve been dealt, I must honour mine oath

Artoria: your oath? If it is not too much, may I ask what you have sworn?

Reep: I hath sworn that I shalt travel the lands in search of a worthy foe to vanquish to atone for my transgression of falling asleep while mine Lord’s keep was taken by wicked invaders. Until mine quest is fulfilled I must not nap, lest I repeat my shameful deed

Gem: ”Then how, may I ask, do you keep yourself awake?"

Artoria: Ah, I see. I wish you luck on your quest. That must be quite the burden to bear. How long have you uh... not napped?

Reep: I imbibe copious amounts of spiced wine. Its soporific effects are counterbalanced by the perpetual need to make use of the latrine. I cannot recall, but it has been at least three years since I left the keep and set off on this journey

Gem: ”Well, if it works, it works... but I do wonder about any tactical disadvantages either of those side effects could offer."

Artoria: Three years... are you sure you are not suffering a Faerie curse? I can't imagine not sleeping that long... I might be a farm girl but I do like skiving off the job for a snooze myself haha.

Gem: ”I sleep when I can, but in my line of work, it is a common occurrence to be awakened early in the morning because of an emergency transmission, attacks by enemy ships, or some sort of odd spatial disturbance that requires my attention... off duty is never quite off duty in space."

Jo: What’s a christ? Is it to do with this Protestantism thing that Poxxy mentioned earlier?

Artoria: Maybe? You'd have to ask him. The Christ is a new god from over in the middle east, I'm a worshipper of him but I'm not an expert or anything. They have a lot of songs about him, and stories, but the book about him is very thick and I haven't really had the time to read it, I'd rather go explore and practice my magecraft.

Poxxy: I am glad to hear that you are a follower of Christ yourself. I understand that we cannot all be devoted to the Cloth, but I encountered you to place some time in studying the Bible - though you must of course ensure that you always use the Chessteros state-issued prayer book, the new one, not the old one. We've updated and improved it quite considerably, and of course to use the wrong prayer book is treason.

Artoria: ”Is there any way I could get a copy of these to read, Cardinal?”

Poxxy: Certainly. You may have a copy for free, as a gift on behalf of Her Majesty. Perhaps you will share its teachings with those in your native kingdom upon your return.

Artoria: ”Oh thank you, that's most gracious! I'm sure everyone back home will appreciate it. I'll get reading tonight!”

Poxxy: I'm so glad. I hope that it will be enlightening.

Gem: ”We ponies do not generally have a figure of worship, at least not in the way humans understand it. We praise Celestia and Luna as they raise our sun and moon, but both of them have made it clear they are not perfect. They are equine, like the rest of us, and therefore flawed."

Poxxy: Sounds like a backward religion, perhaps of Pagan origin. I was right to take you for a peasant. Perhaps you hail from one of the outer islands - they truly are an ungovernable mess. I must send a lord to take over at the first opportunity.

Gem: ”You would have to invent a warp-capable starship first, Cardinal, and right now your technology level is nowhere near even the simplest circuit board. No Chessterosian lord will be sent to my world, I assure you."

Poxxy: I will have you know that the naval fleets of Chessteros are expanding their influence across the world as we speak, and soon, they will hold the greatest empire that has ever been known! Soon, no territory will be beyond the reach of the lords that I command!

Gem: ”Whereupon, should they somehow manage to travel across several lightyears without asphyxiating in the vacuum of space, they will be outmatched and outgunned by our superior firepower. A Nebula-class ship like mine could easily run rings around your ships, Cardinal." 

Poxxy: Is this supposed to be some sort of threat? You are fortunate that I have written you off as a deranged peasant, for if I took you seriously this would constitute a declaration of war.

Gem: ”Calm yourself, Cardinal. My ship is very far away from me at present, and while I have my magic and my phaser, one mare cannot fight a war on her own. Besides which, there are far greater threats in the universe to attend to. I come in peace."

Poxxy: You are wise to climb down from your fighting talk, for though in your imagination you may command scientifically unknown levels of power, I can bring all the mechanisms of the state against you in what is most eminently real life.

Gem raises her hands placatingly. "I give you my word as an officer: I will not harm you."

Gem: And I give you my word as a Cardinal, and the most powerful man in the kingdom: I will allow you to live for now, so long as you do not bother me too greatly

Gem bows her head in respect. "I accept those terms, sir."

Jo: In Carcassonne we believe in the Great Game-Players In The Sky, who move us around the realm. We’re not sure how many of them there are; between 2-6. We have lots of monasteries dedicated to their worship.

Poxxy: That… That religion sounds- well, it, uh—Perhaps we should not speak of such matters until the trade deal has been settled.

Jo: That’s why we are all different colours (blue, green, yellow, pink, red, black) - we believe they correspond to the Game-Player who has control of us.

Poxxy: Monasteries!? Have you not considered... Dissolving them? It really is a tremendously easy way to raise funds, and do away with the petty charity of those who masquerade as holy men

Jo:I understand; I do not wish to make you uncomfortable. We pledge to wear clothing only in our legally assigned colour, as a symbol of trust in the Great Game-Players.

Poxxy: So you practice..... Polydeism? In addition to the polyamory? How................... Modern

Artoria: If its a board game is it also... poly-die-ism? jazz hands Like... dice? No? Bad joke? ...okay I'll shut up.

Jo: Well, I haven’t formally studied theology. I’m just a Knight, and a Junior one at that! But, as i understand it, there are theological debates as to whether we are a polytheistic religion - are they 2-6 separate gods, or are they one god who exists in 2-6 persons?

Jo: What’s a board game?

Artoria: Oh uh, its a game where you move around pieces on a board, with each player having a different color of pieces! It sounded sort of like all that....

Gem: ”I admit to being very intrigued by your realm, Sir Jo. I could see about opening trade negotiations once I return to the Endeavour, if you’re interested.”

Poxxy: Piss off, these are MY trade negotiations!

Gem: ”I am not back on my ship yet, am I? One trade deal at a time, Cardinal. Yours takes precedence." 

Jo: I’m not empowered to speak on behalf of the Realm. You could perhaps give me a message to take back to Carcassonne when I return, if you wish. However, I believe that the leadership of Carcasonne have pledged to complete trade negotiations with Chessteros before entering into negotiations with another realm.

Gem nods in understanding, "But of course. I wish both of you the best of luck."

Jo: Thank you! I must to bed. Just time to dash off one more letter to Mina before I take my rest….

Poxxy: Then it's settled. I will negotiate with the Carcasonnian ambassador, and we will secure the best and most excellent trade deal there has ever been, and when we're done, there will be no trade left for any other nations, be they real or fictional.

Gem: "And I have another log entry to make... goodnight to you both." She makes her way toward her ready room, looking contemplative.

Sir Jo of Harquerre to Lady Wilhelmina of Murrai, early hours of August 29th

My dear Mina,

I miss you more and more each hour! I suppose absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.

I’ve been having a most interesting time at Castle Spookalot (what a curious name) so far. I have met several pleasant people, and had some fascinating discussions about cultural and religious differences. Cardinal Poxxy does seem a little hardline, but I suppose he has a lot of responsibility upon his shoulders.

I still haven’t seen any goats, although there has been talk of them, but have met a cat and an oddly transparent rabbit.

I have not forgotten that you asked me to collect Chessterosian recipes for you! I shall visit the castle kitchens to-morrow.

Goodnight, my love.

Your Jo

Captain’s log, stardate 77658.7: Night has fallen here at Castle Spookalot, and the storm has not let up, if anything it has intensified. I am recording this entry in my ready room, which I admit I am occupying without the Cardinal’s permission, but I am not too inclined to follow his wishes.

As we were settling in for the evening, a woman appeared: she didn’t give her name, but she did say she has been cursed. The curse will likely take some time to unravel. It is fortunate there are other magic users in the castle tonight, I think we may yet need Artoria’s expertise, along with any other mages who happen to pass our way. Still, it feels good to have a mission again. Until I am able to return to the Endeavour, I will take what semblance of home that I can.

Chef: ”Guod murning cestle-a! Guod murning leettle-a keetty! Guod murning ghust buonny! Vhet ire-a ve-a duing fur breekffest, shuould I get my bluonderbuoss und ve-a cuon gu huonting fur zee-a fery rere-a und fery reel Scrembled Igg Munster? Bork Bork Bork!"

Gem pokes her head out of her ready room door. “Two AM is stretching the definition of morning to its breaking point, Chef. But if you are taking breakfast orders… tea, earl grey, hot, please. Perhaps with toast and jam. I have a lot of studying to do.”

Chef: looks off for a moment, as if thinking over Gem's breakfast order, and then looks at his gun "Cuon I shuot zee-a tuest vit my bluonderbuoss?"

Gem: “Do you expect it to attack you?”

Chef:“It cuon be-a fery duongeruous in zee-a keetchee-a, yuou muost ilveys be-a prepered fur fuod tu itteck yuou it uny mument."

Gem: “Hm… you are not wrong. Particularly when Q is involved. No doubt he’s pulling the strings of this as we speak.”

Chef: “Zeere-a is a quoeuoe-a? Zeet mekes sense-a. Breekffest is zee-a must impurtuont meel ouff zee-a dey! I thuought I'd vukee-a up ierly inuough tu beet zee-a quoeuoe-a buot ouh nu, zee-a quoeuoe-a beet me."

Gem: “He does that. He’s very frustrating that way.”

Chef: “Peuple-a cuon get fery fruostreted in zee-a keetchee-a. Juost zee-a ouzeer dey zee-a heed cuok shuouted it me-a fur cumeeng thruough zee-a keetchee-a intruonce-a und helping. I'm a cheff! I cume-a frum a lung leene-a ouff cheffs, leeke-a Mema Cheff und Pepa Cheff und Gruondpa Cheff und Greet-Gruondma Cheff. Und he-a yelled it me-a becuose-a I meke-a a leettle-a vhuopsy duo vit zee-a puts ill oufer zee-a fluor"

Gem: “Well, that’s hardly a way to treat a subordinate. I would never raise my voice to any member of my crew.”

Chef: "I dun't ifee-a vurk in hees keetchee-a ieezeer! It ves fery ruode-a ouff heem."

Gem: “Quite right. The only way to earn the respect of one’s junior officers is to treat them with the same respect you would like to be given. Fear breeds contempt, and contempt breeds mutiny.”

"Oh, unless it's fuod." Chef waves around his blunderbuss again. "Yuou muost ilveys frightee-a zee-a fuod intu cuopereting. Ouzeervise-a it meeght juomp ouout ouff zee-a put und itteck yuou!"

Gem: “I admit the ways of carnivores puzzle me… ponies are herbivorous.”

Chef: “Ehhh, herbeefuruous - I leeke-a using herbs tu idd a leettle-a beet ouff flefuour tu zee-a bruth."

Gem: “I mean to say, we do not eat meat at all.”

Chef: ”Yes it's fery nice-a tu meet yuou tuo! I'm a cheff." 🙂 he holds out his hand for a handshake

Gem shakes it. “Gemini Shadow, Captain, USS  Endeavour. A pleasure to meet you too, sir.”

Chef: “A cepteen! Du yuou cetch muoch herring oun yuour sheep Cepteen?"

Agatha: surreptitiously draws a picture of a chef's hat in her handy-dandy notebook and writes 'Needs translation?' with a little arrow pointing at the hat

Gem: “Not generally. Space travel does not really lend itself toward catching fish. And anyway, that’s why we have replicators.”

Agatha looks up from her notebook What's a replicator? Why do you use it to make fish?

Gem: “Much like a transporter, a replicator converts energy into matter, and back again if necessary. We don’t always use them to make fish: they can create nearly any kind of food you want.”

Agatha: Wow! I don't know if I know what a transporter is, or understand the science behind what you're talking about, really. But unlimited food! That would be a great solution for famines! Can we have one of these replicators?

Gem: "I dun't leeke-a zee-a suound ouff zees repleecetur. It suounds leeke-a zees repleecetur is yuour cheff!"

Gem: ”Sadly not… even disregarding the Prime Directive, which now has been smashed to bits from my presence here, my ship is… gone. I don’t know where she is, or even if I’ll see her again.”

Agatha: Prime Directive? That sounds fancy. Agatha writes it down in her notebook

And I bet there's still chefs even with replicators

Gem: “Some people prefer to replicate raw ingredients and then prepare the meals themselves, my mother was one such mare. The Prime Directive is one of our general orders: no ship may interfere in the natural course of evolution of a pre-warp civilization. Like all rules, it is frequently broken.”

Agatha: Well, most rules are meant to broken as long as the Authorities don't see. As long as they don't catch you and all that. When I was a kid, it was definitely some time before the adults figured out I was living in the woods after my parents passed away. It wasn't exactly legal but it allowed me to solve--well, that was a different time in my life. Much different now. Just on a tour of historical places in old Chessteros

Gem bows her head. “I’m sorry to hear about your parents, Agatha. It must have been extremely difficult for you.” Changing the subject in case of discomfort she asked, “What led you to become a historian?”

Agatha: ”Well, living in the woods was a bit of a lark, and then it got very lonely, and then one of the shopkeepers realized that I was the niece of the local lord, and then I no longer lived in the woods. But the castle was a bit lonely, too. So I made friends with everybody. And when you make friends with everybody, you learn their stories and sometimes you hear secrets. But I am afraid I have accidentally misled you somehow. I'm not a historian. Well, not yet. I want to study to be one, so I'm touring the old historic places. Besides, that old letter said--well, better left unsaid at this moment, I still don't know how much to trust people with.

Gem: ”I understand what you mean… this world and its people are alien to me, even more so than what is normal in my job. I take a risk trusting anyone. But risk… risk is our business. And as long as we’re here together, I’d like you to know that whatever happens in the days ahead, whatever the fates have in store for us, I will trust you. I hope you can do the same for me.”

Agatha: Trusting anyone takes risk. It may take me time to warm to trusting anyone, but that's part of making friends, learning to take risks and trust

Gem smiles. “Exactly. A captain cannot hope to command well without friends by her side. When we work together, all things are possible.”

Agatha: Can’t find solutions all on your own, that's for sure. Though it's fun to figure stuff out before the adults do

a red dress drifts through the empty castle halls, whistling a long forgotten tune to itself…