In the twilight hours of an Asgardian summer, a man is thrown out of one of the seediest taverns in the city. He's thrown in a way that finds him crashing into the wall of a neighboring building, then sliding painfully down to the ground.
"And don't come back," the owner yelled. His grumbling could be heard clearly as he went back into the tavern. "Prince or not, I'll not have his traitorous talk under my roof."
Loki opened his eyes and grimaced. This was the last place that he knew of where you could buy your muscle, he really needed an army of his own. Those blasted Chitauri were useless, not to mention on Thanos' payroll. He slowly got to his feet and walked to the edge of town where he had been, he shuddered at the thought, camping for the past month. About half a mile from his site he slowed and began to slink from shadow to shadow. Someone was there, smoke from a fire could still be seen by the light of Asgard's two moons. As he carefully approached he heard a woman's voice.
"You may as well come to the fire, your highness." She called into the night. "I'm not leaving until our business has concluded."
"What business would I have with you?" Loki sneered. "I don't even know you, mortal. How did you come to Asgard?"
"Odin is overburdened in his old age," her smile looked feral. "I was able to sneak past that hunky Guardian when my contact created a suitable diversion. As for what business. Why you're looking for an army, aren't you?"
"You have an army?" Loki laughed. "You still have not answered the question of who you are."
"My name is Sasha. I am what's known as a procurer of goods." She circled the fire and approached Loki cautiously. "Be they soldiers for a revolution or a willing partner to warm your nights."
"Assuming I trust you," Loki replied. "Where would I find this army?"
"Midgard," she stated. "Honestly they've been there since time began. They are an immortal race, devoted to the most evil villain available."
Loki thought this new information over carefully, he'd never heard of an immortal race on Midgard. Where had they been when he and his brother were worshipped by the Vikings? Where were they when New York City almost fell before him? Why didn't they come to him at either points in history?
"This is difficult." He finally admitted. "While I can tell you are not lying about this, I find it hard to believe that I have never had contact with them. I would like to inspect this army before I agree to hiring them."
"Normally I would agree wholeheartedly." She began running her fingers across his upper body while circling him. He knew she was trying to catch him off guard and she knew that he knew. Loki smiled seductively at her, he loved these games. "But I am not here to offer them to you."
"But you said," Loki was thrown off guard.
That's when she struck, before he could register that her manner had changed. He felt the stab of a hypodermic needle and fluid injected into him. Whatever she had injected him with was strong, strong enough to take the God of Mischief into a dreamless sleep. Her last words to him were whispered in his ear as she carefully guided his body to the ground and he felt sleep take him.
"I'm sorry, gorgeous. They have paid for you and once you are together, there is nothing that would keep them from your side."
He woke to the strangest language he had ever heard, they were speaking absolute gibberish as far as he could tell. There were words from several Midgardian languages thrown in with a completely original language. He slowly opened his eyes and began to move around.
"Looka tu!" A little yellow being with one eye and goggles said, it looked concerned. "Ma cari no Boss?"
"I'm fine, thank you." Thank Odin for Allspeak. "Where are we?"
"Tu matoka?" It asked.
"No, I'm not hungry right now. Look." Loki was beginning to loose what little patience he had. "Where are we? And who are you?"
"Boss, tulaliloo ti amo. Bella papaguena uh ti ho portato qui."
"She was beautiful," Loki replied. "But why do you say you love me? You don't know me well enough to say that."
"Sa la ka! Underwear tulaliloo ti amo." The little guy huffed and walked away.
"Great, my army is little yellow creatures that have sensitive feelings." Loki grumbled.
He stood and walked to the window, wherever here was, at least he could see people walking around. It reminded him of New York really. He heard a knock at the door and turned when the little guy came in.
"Bello boss." It was taller than the last one and thinner. "Jiāng tu vienes seguire?"
"No, I won't follow you! Not until you tell me why you lot had me abducted!" Loki yelled.
The little yellow guy started crying and ran up to Loki. He held Loki tightly, tears pouring down his face, saying the same thing over and over.
"Bi-do! Tu bala yus."
"Now, stop that." Loki tried to quiet the little guy, but only made it worse. "Don't apologize little one and I don't hate you."
"Whaaaa?"
"I don't really. Why don't you tell me your name?" Loki acted like he was talking with a child and it seemed to calm the little guy.
"Kevin!" He replied happily.
Kevin took Loki by the hand and brought him out to meet the rest of the Minion tribe. They were all so excited to see their boss was up and walking among them. Loki smiled as a little one holding a teddy bear brought him a banana and told him that his name was Bob.
"Thank you Bob. I like bananas too."
As the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months Loki found that he really liked his minions. Sure they were small and not very bright but they tried very hard to be there for him. They took care of his needs, fed him, kept him entertained and they were always willing to help him with a scheme. As time continued to pass, Loki's evil lessened drastically. By the time a year had passed, the evil schemes had stopped entirely and now they only caused a little mischief to those who really needed it.
In Asgard:
"How is our son doing my love?" Odin asked Frigga.
"He still hasn't figured it out but I think he's happy with it. His darkness has receded and his laughter can be heard more often than not." Frigga was proud of the job she had done, tricking the Trickster Prince had been a challenge that she had thrown herself into willingly. "His title as God of Revelry has come to the fore once again."
"Then the time has come." Odin's smile hadn't been that large since the day he brought the younger prince home. "Would you like the honor of restoring our son to his family?"
"And his minions too?" Frigga laughed when Odin rolled his eye while nodding. She left to bring their son home.