Jubilee surprised me the other morning when she asked me for a ride to town, trying hard to be nonchalant, kicking at a tuft of grass as she watched me clean up my Jeep. Said she needed a few things from the drug store. She hadn’t been around much for a day and a half, almost two. Oh, I caught a few glimpses of her from afar, knew she hadn’t taken off for good or found another place to hide like she had the old barn. Seeing her close again, standing at the edge of the driveway, fiddling with her shirt hem and avoiding my eyes, I knew right off something was up. She was anxious, and trying not to show it.
“No problem kid,” I told her, tossing my rag aside. “Hop in.” I opened the passenger door, rewarded with a smile tossed my way as she scrambled inside.
She was quiet on the way to town. Pensive. Not the Jubilee I knew. This was a side she’d not yet revealed to me, even while we were alone in the Outback all those weeks, or on our travels through Madripoor after we’d escaped. I didn’t try to make her talk. She’d open up if she wanted to.
Inside the store I trailed along after her. I dislike shopping. A lot. I tamped it down and followed her around. There was nothing I needed to buy. She accumulated a small pile of miscellaneous crap in her basket before turning up aisle 5, the one with feminine products. There she paused before the shelves, a towering wall jammed with all sizes of mainly pink and purple packages. I waited at the end of the aisle to give her some privacy. I thought she was too young yet to need these things.
She stood for a long damn time, biting her lip, checking out one package and another before finally tossing a helpless look my way. Damn. She seemed to think I knew about this kinda thing, and you know what? Fact is she’s right. I’ve lived a long time, known a lot of women, if you know what I’m saying. Sorry to say I can’t remember many faces. Crazy shit, I mean why the hell do I remember this private female deal and not the women themselves?
As far as I could recall I’d never advised anyone, much less a girl, a kid, about this sort of thing. I hoped like hell she knew the other stuff, the details of all that was connected to it. Her folks were both doctors, they most likely had The Talk with her before they passed, right?
Here’s the thing though, what I started thinking right then. Jubilee and I have a special bond. We’re close. We went through some real bad shit together in Australia, and later on too, in Madripoor . Saved each other’s lives. Can’t get a whole lot closer than that. We get each other. She hid herself in the old barn the day after we arrived back here, and found me already there. We’d both gone independent of the other, to gather ourselves. Rest and take stock after the hell we’d been through. I helped her deal with it, her feelings, and in her own way she helped me settle back into the busy life of the mansion. She needed me again now in this wildly different and not altogether comfortable way and I didn’t want to let her down.
I squared my shoulders and went to her side. She shrank into herself a little as I neared, cheeks pinking up.
“Wolvie,” she said, turning back to the shelves with a bewildered look. “D’ you, um. I never… I mean I’m not sure what …”
I adopted a breezy attitude. Yeah, me. I think I pulled it off fairly well, up until the end.
“Not to worry. It’s easy, darlin’. Nothin’ to fret about. Look here. This right here is the one you want, or these, if there’s not much, uh, goin’ on,” I said. “You know what I’m sayin’? Now, these here, here… or here, those are what to get if there… is. More, I mean.” I wasn’t explaining very well. I hoped she got it. Why the hell it was so hard to say blood right then is beyond me.
“Oh-kaay,” Jubes said. “But what about these? Maybe I should get these instead…”
Hellfire. She was pointing to a box of tampons.
I wasn’t gonna go there, not now, maybe not ever. “Nah, just leave those,” I said. “They’re better later on, when things are, when you’re more, when you, uh…” I stopped, flustered. What the hell was I trying to say? “Why don’t you wait and ask somebody else about those, another time.” I seized the half cigar from my shirt pocket to gnash between my teeth.
She selected her items, relief showing clear in her expression, the expansiveness of her movements. “How d’ you know all that?” she said as we moved to the check-outs. “I mean I was hoping you would, but…” Her head lowered, cheeks suddenly staining hectic again. “Geez, never mind. You don’t have to answer that!”
I wasn’t planning to anyway. Her shame about this though, that needed to change. I suppose it’s natural for girls to be skittish, embarrassed and all, especially when it’s a man that has to help, fast friend or no. But it wasn’t necessary. This was nature, normal. A miracle, really. But I wasn’t about to say that. I’ve learned from experience that females tend to get angry when you do, and yell things like, Miracle my ass! It’s a goddamn curse!
But this experience with Jubilee is different from anything I remember. I have no offspring that I’m aware of. Never had to explain to anybody how things work as far as the human body and reproduction goes. But my memory is not the best. I don’t dwell on that particular subject much because I don’t like to think I’ve forgotten my own kids.
I glanced at her on the drive back, sitting so small and quiet, knees drawn up. Clutching her bag. She was a sensible kid, planning ahead, taking steps to be prepared. The relief she’d shown inside the store seemed to be fading though. Twice her gaze cut in my direction, then slid away. There was something she wanted to say and she was unsure how to begin, or even if she should.
I cleared my throat. “You done good in there,” I said to break the silence, get things rolling. Sounded stupid as hell.
She gave me a quick smile. “Thanks, Wolvie. I feel so dumb. There were so many different kinds to choose from. I had no idea what to pick, what was best.” She jostled the bag a little. “Now I know.”
“No problem,” I said. “Is there somethin’ else on your mind? Seems like you’re feelin’ a mite unsettled still, after all the shit you been through these past months.”
“I guess. I don’t know.” She settled deeper into her seat. “You helped me through alla that. You saved me, Wolvie. If it wasn’t for you and everything you did…”
Everything I did? She’d been my salvation out there in that Australian desert. I’ll never forget the moment I caught her scent, a wild mix of fear, horror, compassion and determination, and realized I wasn’t alone, someone was out there, someone on my side. Or the gratitude I felt as she struggled to haul my sorry ass to safety. It’s still hard to accept the fact that I slipped up so goddamn bad and let myself be caught by those bastard Reavers.
“The feeling’s mutual, darlin’,” I said with some emotion.
I lit my stogie, filling my lungs with calming smoke. “Most o’ that was your doin’, though. You know that, right? You’re stronger than you think. I could’na done shit if you didn’t have the drive and determination to keep goin’.”
“Oh Wolvie,” she sighed. “I don’t feel very strong at all sometimes. I miss my parents. I wish I could talk to my Mom. I hope… I hope they’re proud of me…”
“Aw, kid. You serious? You sure as hell don’t have to worry about that. You defied the odds, girl, big time. Survived by yourself, outwitted a band of cutthroats and saved a man’s life—mine -- all at the risk of your own. Nothin’ to be proud of there.”
She smiled at that, lowering her head and shifting her feet. “Well. Thanks.”
“You don’t have to be a hero for your folks to be proud of you, Jubes. All you have to do is be yourself. You’re a good person. You’re kind, you’re smart as hell, an’ you’re courageous too. You—”
“Oh my gosh, Wolvie!” she exclaimed, laughing and straightening up. “That’s nice to hear an’ all but-- you’re exaggerating. I can’t be all those things.”
“You can an’ you are, an’ you know it.”
“Nuh-uh. I sure as heck do not.”
“Do too.”
“Do not.”
“Do too, dammit.”
This was a little routine we did. I don’t recall how or when it originally got going. Jubes loved it, loved drawing me in. She always had the last word, too. Always, because I let her. A small thing.
This was as good a time as any to change that up.
Before she could get the words out I sucker-punched her on the shoulder. Not too hard, but enough to rock her in her seat. Done it before, three, four times, and as of yet she hasn’t anticipated it. One day she will.
She let out this sort of gasping laugh and whirled, cocking her arm back hard. She was fast. Reaction time practically nil. X-Men material, no doubt about it, something I’ve known since we met. Her closed fist opposed to an open hand was another welcome sight, meant she was keeping her pafs to herself as per my request. Nice, not only because she was using her head and developing discipline but for my own damn sake because those suckers hurt.
She gave that punch her all, no holding back. Leaned into it for maximum force. Hell of a solid hit. Then she blew on her fist like it was smoking hot and we giggled. The hell-- I mean she giggled, for God’s sake. I just… chuckled a bit.
Her laughter faded quickly though and she let out another sigh. A determined one, this time.
“Wolvie, I need… another favor, if that’s okay,” she said, crossing her arms over her middle, hands cupping her elbows. “I need to… Can you fill me in a little, about um… how babies are made? That whole process? Oh my gosh. This is too embarrassing. I just—I want to-- I’m real iffy on the details, okay? And I should probably know, y’know, everything,” she finished with a frown.
She was right. If she was muddy in her facts it could affect her future. A baby will alter even the best laid plans. Didn’t I tell you this kid has all kinds of sense?
Did she really want to have this talk with me, though? That was a mother’s loving task, but the fact was mother-daughter talks were no longer an option for Jubilation. The Lee family had been torn apart, in the most terrible way possible. Doubtless pining for her mother was worse than ever right now.
“I can try, darlin’,” I said. “So… lemme see… did you talk to your folks about it at all, before…?”
Wrinkling her nose, she answered, “No. Well, a little. They were so busy. That’s alright though—” she was always quick to defend her parents—“I learned some at school in Sex Ed class, but I um, I hadda leave right at the beginning of the term. Oh, but y’ know what? I saw a sexy movie at Lori-Anne’s house once. Part of it, anyway. Her parents had it on real late one night when I slept over. Lori and I watched from the top of the stairs until her mom heard us and got all mad and made us go back to bed. Oh my gosh Wolvie! It was, it was so… I mean, it was like, yuck!”
Sex education by Hollywood. Perfect. I snorted, tried a different approach. “Do you know why women bleed every month?”
Her face cleared. “Yeah, I know that. It means we’re ready to grow a baby.”
“Well, no, that’s not quite right,” I said. “It’s too late to conceive by then. That blood, that’s the… the bed your body produces to make your insides a nice place for your baby to grow. It has to be all set up and ready beforehand.”
“Beforehand…?”
“Before the person in question is intimate with someone.”
“Oh. Duh. Okay, right. So then… when the person doesn’t end up needing it, it just drains away.”
“Yup. That’s the gist of it.”
I wasn’t sure if she was clear or not. About the process, the timing of it all. By that time we’d reached the mansion gates but I drove past, following the road two miles out to the turnoff for Hiraeth National Forest. Once in the woods Jubilee relaxed more, a good thing to see. Forests do that. Not to everybody though. I was glad nature was working on her.
I took us to the river, nosed the Jeep into a small, brush-edged clearing. Ahead through the trees the water shone like beaten silver in the afternoon sun as it glided by on its way to the ocean. This area, this part of the river was an inland estuary, too far from the sea for a major tide but close enough still to experience a small daily ebb and swell. The combination of ocean, river, forest, tidal flow and mud flats here made a very diverse habitat, densely populated with a wide assortment of animals and plants. In this place the varied rhythms of nature worked in fine and perfect cadence. Pure poetry, in my mind. On display for anyone that cared to really look. Not many did.
We unbuckled our seat belts, got more comfortable. Jubes pulled a soda from her bag and popped it open. Offered me a swig, which I accepted. So sweet it could make your hair curl.
We were quiet for a little while. Our usual nice, easy silence.
“Hey Wolvie?” she said soon enough. “Why is it on TV or in the movies when a woman tells her man she’s pregnant the guy gets all crazy and shocked and is all like, Whaaahh, really?? You know what I mean? Why is that?” She’d turned in her seat to face me. “He must know she’s gonna have a baby ‘cause they did it! He was there! So what gives, why the surprise?”
She looked so earnest, so ready to finish growing up. I felt my pulse skittering and there came a wayward thought, one I would dwell long upon later that night: this must be what her father felt like. Protective as hell. Wanting with all his heart to do right by her, get her heading into her adult life in the best way possible: armed with knowledge. I was proud to take up the task in his stead. I was going to miss this version of her though, miss the poetry of her youth and innocence. And yeah, I said that word twice now. Poetry. Just because I am who I am don’t mean I’m unable to recognize and appreciate beauty when I see it. All kinds of beauty.
“It’s like this,” I began. “There’s a window of, uh, opportunity I guess you could say, Jubes. About a week I think, or maybe a little less, when a woman can quicken. Get pregnant. Before or after that it’s no go. Has to do with where the egg is.”
Her brow went all puckered. “Where the egg is?”
“Yup.”
“Where else would it be except inside my body?”
“What I mean is, it has to have left your ovary and traveled into the fallopian tube, on its way to the—baby bed.” I grimaced. Did I really say that? “To your uterus, where blood has gathered, waiting for it to arrive.”
“Oh. So the sperms have to go find it and love it all up, and then the baby starts growing.”
“That’s one way of puttin’ it. A sperm has to enter the egg, get inside to fertilize it. Just one out of millions makes it. One’s all it takes.”
“How can blood be a bed? What does that mean, exactly?”
“I said bed because it’s the perfect place for the egg to grow, safe and comfortable and warm. After about, oh, ten days or so hangin’ out there the umbilical cord an’ placenta are formed and the embryo’s anchored in, good an’ solid. Then it just kicks back for the long haul, doin’ its job: sleepin’, eatin’ and growin’. Kind of like staying at a fancy-ass hotel with room service, y’ know?”
She laughed a little. “Except for the growing part. It all sounds so complicated though, Wolvie. How does my egg know what to do, where to go? It’s not like it has a brain.”
“It knows. Your body knows. That’s nature, nature’s spirit, women’s spirit, working inside you.”
I found I was relaxing a little. This wasn’t all that difficult. Started expanding on the topic. “It’s a chancy thing though. The conditions and all’s got to be just right.”
“Conditions? You mean the room, or, or— what?”
I could have said quite a bit about that. Women have strong feelings about ambience. Surroundings are important. That was something Jubes could discover on her own. “I mean—what I just said. Is the egg all decked out an’ on the prowl, scoutin’ for mister right, or is mister right too damn late and she’s given up on the bastard, decided to move on?”
She smiled at my euphemisms. “By move on you mean the lady getting her period.”
“Yeah. Or just-- not hittin’ that week or so time slot in general.”
She was quiet for a few beats, pondering, then made her little eww face. “It seems so gross though, making babies. All naked and wet and icky. I don’t get why people are so wild about doin’ it.”
I struggled not to smile. “Not as bad as all that. There’s a lot more to it than just reproduction. You’ll feel different when you’re older.”
She blew out her cheeks. “I don’t think so. The people in that movie? They looked like they were fighting each other or something. Me an’ Lori, we were all like, oh my gosh. It sure wasn’t romantic or—or sweet, or anything like I imagined.”
“Well. That might’ve been pornography you and your friend caught,” I said. “That’s a whole different thing. Porn is meaningless. Bunch of strangers scratching an itch. It’s different when you love your partner. Then it’s like— food for your soul. Not like that, not like fighting.” Unless you prefer that kind of thing. Not going there either.
“I’m glad,” she said. “Boy am I glad! Is it really wonderful being in love, Wolvie? I mean is that how it is with you and Lady Mariko?”
Brought me up short, that one. I was overdue hearing from Mariko, and trying not to attach too much significance to her silence because she was an important person in Japan with plenty of responsibilities, and it was entirely possible she was swept up in something and would contact me soon. Likely, even. That’s what I was telling myself, despite the fact that up ‘til now our correspondence had been just about regular as a ticking clock.
Jubes was waiting for my answer, somehow managing to look both hopeful and impatient at the same time. “Yeah, just like that,” I said absently.
She sighed, dreamy-eyed. “I’m so happy for you, Wolvie. Is she—is she your very first love? I’ll bet she is. Am I right?”
She wanted a fairy tale answer. She didn’t know me well yet. Unfortunately I couldn’t oblige. The life I’ve lead has been long and hard, and every aspect of it felt about as far from fairy tales as you can get.
I wasn’t up for this. “My past is mostly a blank, Jubes. Told you before.”
I knew from experience attempting to decipher my history or even pick out one element to examine was like trying to put together a pane of shattered glass. Impossible. Too many fragments you can’t even see, but will cut you all to hell just the same.
Her smile disappeared. “Oh. Yeah. I’m sorry. I guess I shouldn’t have asked.”
“You know you can ask me anything you like.” Truth, but at that moment it felt a little more like a lie.
Her expression was soft with sympathy. Jubilee always feels things strongly. “Oh Wolvie— it’s just-- that’s so sad. To not remember your own life? You must hate that. Isn’t there some way—” Suddenly she perked up. “Oh, I know! You could talk to Professor X, couldn’t you? Ask him to--”
“No. Stop. Just—stop.”
Despite my aversion to people poking around in my head I had asked Charles for help. The only thing that little meet-and-greet revealed-- besides the appalling extent of my fucked up mind-- was the fact that Chuck ain’t no goddamn miracle worker. Too much shattered glass, even for him. We both walked out battered, drained and more than a little frustrated. He told me to be patient. I got that covered. He hasn’t offered his help again and I haven’t asked. I’m not desperate for fuck’s sake.
“We tried,” I said to Jubes, softening my tone. “It’s complicated. Don’t worry yourself about me, kid. I’m okay.” Another partial truth. Sure, I was fine, if you think rarely being able to look back and reflect on events or decisions or even simple goddamn acquaintances is fine. Can’t contemplate a big damn blank, now, can you?
Well, shit. Something of an awkward silence fell, a thing that never happened between Jubilee and I. She shifted her bag.
“Why’d you get all that crap now, anyway,” I said. “You haven’t— ” Ah, hell. Why don’t I just shut the fuck up?
“I haven’t—what?” Her eyes had gone all narrow.
“I mean I haven’t—I don’t think you—oh, what the hell. I told you before, I can’t shut off my nose. You haven’t— haven’t-- bled yet.” There. Goddammit. I am seldom at a loss for words like I’ve been today. But then I’ve never had a conversation like this either. To the best of my shitty knowledge.
“Well, you’re mistaken there, Wolvie. Your nose doesn’t know everything.”
That day and a half of determined avoidance. Of course. Now it added up.
Some of her inhibition seemed to have vanished. She began going into detail. “See, I woke up with this funny ache in my tummy a few days ago, right here—” her hands pressed low against her stomach-- “and there was… I found… um, I mean I knew right away what was happening and I was all like, oh no, what am I gonna do, I’ve got nothing to use and it’s gonna be gross! I knew you’d smell it on me too, Wolvie, and that’s so embarrassing. So I decided to keep away, just kinda lie low ‘til it was done. And I lucked out, big time. I didn’t need any kind of, you know, supplies. It was already finished. That was the whole-- the whole thing, right there.” She huffed a breath. “It’s not always going to be that way, is it? Short ‘n’ sweet ‘n’ over in a snap.”
“Wish I could say yes to that, but I can’t.” Her lips compressed and she looked away. “Why’d you ask me to take you to town today,” I said, “and not Storm or some other female? Wouldn’t that’ve been easier for you? Less of a trial?”
“Umm, no. Well, yes and no. I don’t know Storm or anybody else around here well enough for that. The reason I asked you is way more important. It’s because… it bothered me. I mean I hated tryin’ to stay away from you. It felt wrong. I just…I don’t wanna ever have to do that again. I don’t want anything to be secret or hidden between us, even something weird and gross like this. Asking you to take me was a way to tell you what was goin’ on before you found out yourself, and without having to actually, like, talk about it. I guess. But now here we are. It’s just so…” She screwed up her face.
Embarrassing. Got that. “So what made you change your plan to keep mum?”
“Well… I just thought-- now that I’m able to have a baby—oh my gosh, that is just so weird!— I mean, don’cha think?”
“Sure as hell do.” Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed. But in my eyes she was still a child for God’s sake. On the cusp… but still.
“So—bein’ that’s the way it is,” Jubes went on, “I need to be able to have, uh-- control, you know? Of my body. As much as I can.”
Exactly what I’d been thinking. Damn, I was proud of her. “And for that you need facts.”
“Yup. I’m glad you’re okay with alla this, Wolvie. With-- taking care of me.”
“Sure enough, Jubes. Thanks for askin’ me, an’ trusting me.” Felt real good, being able to help her out like this.
She nodded, smiling her sweet smile. “I trust you more ‘n anybody.… Y’ know, Wolvie? It’s funny, isn’t it. Funny weird, I mean. I can make my pafs start and stop whenever I want, and I’m learning to control their strength an’ even how fast they go, too. I love that! But this period stuff? That’s gonna do its thing no matter what, right? No matter how I feel. I can’t, like, put it off and do it some other time.” She pushed the hair back from her eyes, a quick, impatient gesture.
“Not hardly. It’s involuntary, like breathing, or your heart beatin’,” I said. “So—you learn about it, an’ how to live with it. Like you’re doin’. Knowledge is a form of power and control. It ain’t always claws an’ pafs. Sometimes usin’ your noggin is the only way to work through a problem, or around it, an’ get what you need.”
“Uh-huh,” she murmured. “I totally get that, for sure.”
We watched the river. Damn, the breeze smelled good. It was a fine day. A pair of mallards drifted by. Further out a fish rippled the surface. Jubilee took a candy bar from her bag and split it with me. All that sugar got me thirsty as hell.
“Wanna get goin’ back?” I asked after a short little while.
“Not yet. It’s so pretty here. This is nice.”
I snubbed out what was left of the blunt, pushed my seat back and stretched out my legs. “Yeah. It is, ain’t it?”
Jubes pushed her seat back too. “Hey Wolvie? Guys don’t have anything like women do, like bleeding or anything, do they?” she asked.
“No.” Thank God. “Nothin’ like that.” I wasn’t about to elaborate on the fun sexual issues males do have. Some other day for that. Or on second thought, how about I just skip it altogether.
“Wow. It’s not very fair, is it?” she said. “I mean what a mess we have to deal with, every single month for the rest of our lives! Geez.”
“It won’t be for that long. That’ll all stop when you hit menopause, at 45 or so.”
“Oh, well. What a relief. Only another three decades or so to go.” She was scowling now. “Easy for you to say!”
“I know. But Jubes, think about it.” Despite my reservations I decided to give it another go. I wanted her to be proud of herself, her womanhood. “You got a special role, you females. All that shit you have to deal with is because women populate the world. You bring forth life. You’re a part of the cycle of rebirth and redeath.”
Perked her right up. “Redeath?” she said. “That’s a weird word.” It was Mariko’s. “You’re talking about reincarnation, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “If you believe in that sort o’ thing.”
“I do! But-- aren’t we all a part of the cycle, guys and girls both?”
“Sure. But you females, you have a more important role.”
“My folks always said people live many lives, but they never said that. Do you believe in reincarnation, Wolvie?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. It’s possible. I don’t know.” Damned attractive idea, though, ain’t it? Too good to be true, you might even say. I wanted to believe we had more than one chance to live a life we could be proud of. The concept suggested forgiveness was the definitive way of things. The way I saw it, if there was no cosmic clemency, why would we ever be granted the chance for another life, to make good? Perhaps forgiveness is the base from which we all should spring. Definitely not my strong suit. There was a lesson here. Whatever. I never accept anything at face value. I was waiting to be convinced, waiting for me and Riko to continue that conversation. Her conviction was rock-solid.
Could be I’d be waiting forever.
Beside me Jubilee sighed, a tentative, uncertain sound. I didn’t want to shake up her belief. This wasn’t the time to voice my own doubts on the subject. I wanted her to remain positive, see the bigger picture and her place within it.
“Just think about it, Jubes. You’re a part of something great. The journey of the soul, like the phases of the moon and the ocean tides, the seasons, the movement of the stars in the sky, and you women with your monthly cycle-- these are all parts of the natural cadence of life. Ancient rhythms that make up the heartbeat of the universe. When you have a baby you make the next phase of a soul’s journey possible. You create a home for a soul to inhabit. You keep it moving along its path.”
By then her blue eyes were sparkling, reflecting the river’s sunny flashes-- or maybe it was sheer Jubilation-style exuberance that made them shine so bright. “I never thought of it that way,” she said, excitement making her voice ring. “I mean, I never thought about that at all! That is so cool! That’s pretty much off-the-scale awesome!”
“Sure is, girl.” She was sharp, I shoulda known that once clarified she would harken to the significance of her sex. Encouraged, I continued. “Women are connected to the rhythms of the earth, of nature, in ways men aren’t. Some people think if a woman conceives during a full moon, she’ll have a boy. Before or after will produce a girl. Now I don’t know if that’s true. I’m just sayin’ it’s a mysterious thing, what women do. Precious, and well, kind of magical. Ancient people, they revered women for their reproductive power. Look it up. Ancient fertility goddesses.”
Guess I was rambling a little by then. She was listening though, taking it in, looking at me and biting her lip.
Suddenly her face clouded. “But Wolvie, what if I decide not to have babies?” she said. “Is that wrong? Am I taking away somebody’s chance to—to live or evolve or—”
“No, no, nothin’ like that. There’s plenty of people to go around, Jubes. Think of it as just… your chosen path is to be childless. That’s fine. There’s no right or wrong with what your heart desires. We all have free choice as to which road we want to follow.”
She sighed, relief palpable, and passed me her soda again. I drank deep.
“It ain’t just the fact that women can have babies that stands you apart,” I continued. I was on a goddamn roll apparently. “You got even more goin’ on. Women are excellent leaders, better than men in a lot o’ cases. More level-headed, more willing to see all sides of an argument. They don’t let their egos get in the way. Women tend to think before they act. They nurture. Smooth the way and calm things down. They give support and they empathize.”
I stopped finally because I was getting emotional again. I’d just described Mariko, to the letter. Damn it all. I missed her. I needed to hear from her. I could write her again. But did she want to hear from me?
I’ve always harbored a deep, from-the-gut conviction that all the close relationships I’ve had have ended badly. Some maybe even horribly. I suppose I could be wrong—I hope I am. But I’ve always trusted my gut and it’s never failed me yet. I have nothing positive to go by, no proven memory or shred of physical evidence that might tell me otherwise. The one woman I halfway remember, well, those memories are so twisted with seemingly unrelated, often violent images that I don’t know if any of it—including Silver Fox herself— was real.
The way I was starting to see it, this little snag with Riko might just be normal-- for me. Perhaps I deserved this. Payment for past wrongs. If even a fraction of those memories and the people in them are fact, well… Silver Fox sure as hell didn’t deserve what happened to her. I needed to find out if Mariko was alright. Fill this silence between us. Even if ultimately it meant learning something I didn’t want to know.
“Are you okay?” Jubilee said, reaching to touch my arm, bringing me back to the present. She was concerned of course. She was all woman… or going to be. Her body just had to catch up with her soul.
“Besides goin’ on like a damn chatterin’ magpie, I’m great,” I said, trying to lighten up, shake it off. A sharp metallic pop from the soda can still in my hand startled us both. Seems I was holding onto it too tight. Jubes gently took it from me.
“You’re not talking too much and you’re not a magpie, either,” she said. “Not one bit. You’re helping. Making things better for me.”
My always precarious mood had swung to a low place. It wasn’t Jubilee’s fault. Those shards of glass were doing their work. I wished I hadn’t been reminded of my capacity for fucking things up.
I was coming to believe it was a mistake for anyone to love me.
“Glad I made a difference.” I hoped we were done and I didn’t have to keep going on about this subject anymore. A selfish thing. But I never said I was anything but a selfish bastard, now, did I? Why sweet, gentle Mariko got involved with me was the question of the goddamn century. It sure as hell wasn’t my sparkling personality.
If only someone could help me straighten out the jumble in my mind, tease out from the tangle and the blank places a few people, a handful of events so I could start creating something of a timeline, a framework from which I could hang those fragmented images that popped into my mind once in a while, fleeting and ethereal, like glints on glass. That would surely help me feel better, at the least work to level out my emotions some which could only be good for the people around me. A sort of ripple effect. That alone might go some ways in preventing harm from coming to those involved with me.
Or maybe I was wishing for fairy tales, just like Jubes.
We left the woods soon after that, Jubilee and I, before my crappy mood turned our nice afternoon sour. I felt bad cutting things short, but Jubes seemed okay with it. I drove back to the mansion, parked in the big garage. She disappeared upstairs with her bag while I went to the kitchen to grab a pair of brews. Took them out back and sat down in the shade, trying to think about the good I’d done today for Jubilee, forget about all that I’d—forgotten. Which makes about as much sense as a goddamn screen door on a submarine.
It was getting on to dusk when I heard her step through the French doors behind me, moving slow and smelling shy. She came around front, and handed me another beer.
“Are you feeling better?” she said, edging closer.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” My moods were not her problem. “Thanks for the beer.” I popped it, took a long swig. “Saved me a trip.”
“Oh, that’s okay. Wolvie, I—um…” She was right at my side, standing kind of stiff. Reminded me of a deer testing the air to see if it was safe to come out of hiding.
“Somethin’ botherin’ you?”
“Sort of. Er, no. I— I wanna say something.”
Long pause. “Have at it, girl. I’m listening.”
Emotion making her voice go deep, she murmured, softer than the breeze, “I love you, Wolvie. I just want to be sure you know that.”
Like the brush of a dove’s wing, so lightly did her words touch my ear, wrap her sweet innocence around my heart.
She leaned in, a hand found my shoulder and her lips brushed my cheek in a light-as-air little kiss. Then with a giggle she was gone, scampering back into the mansion, the effervescent scent of happiness trailing in her wake.
I sat still, feeling muscles loosen that I hadn’t noticed were tight, marveling at this slip of a girl, this almost-woman, boldly and aptly named Jubilation. She was a force of nature. She possessed the heart of a wolf, the soul of a warrior. The courage she’d shown in the Outback, all that she did in Madripoor after proved it, no question. She was a lot like me, but so much gentler, tempered with childish impulsiveness and a woman’s innate understanding.
At breakfast the next morning I told Jubes it would be fine if she came along on a few of my tamer missions. Start learning the ropes of what we did around here as X-Men. I hardly had time to finish before the girl leaped from her chair, letting out such a shriek my ears rang. Grabbed my arm, stammered a giddy thanks. Left me feeling damn good. This whole thing has, delicate talk and all. Happier than I’ve been since… well I don’t really remember when I’ve felt better. It’s a real nice feeling, making a positive difference to someone, and to myself, for a change.
It got me thinking. Might be I could make a difference with Mariko too.
If I followed Riko’s lead and let our communication fall away, it would accomplish one thing: keep me in the dark, with no idea of what was happening to her. That was not good. Because I am who I am and do what I do, I tend to draw human garbage like flies to a carcass. Revenge seekers, people wanting to do to me-- or someone I cared about-- the same as I had done to one of theirs. I couldn’t do shit to protect Mariko if I stayed in the States nursing my pride. I never doubted Riko’s love before. Pissed me off that I was doing it now. I needed to trust her, and follow through. Go to her.
But hey. No fairy tales for me. I always face the facts. If Mariko was done with me, or if I had to let her go to keep her safe, well, so fucking be it. That’s the way it would be… but not without a good goddamn fight. I was gonna try like hell to keep those things from happening.
I decided to fly out. Get my ass to Japan. Left me anxious as all get-out, that decision, but equally determined to do it. Like young Jubilation must have felt when she powered through her embarrassment, trusting me enough to come to me for help.
Before I left I would help Jubes get more settled. Not about to rush away and leave her hanging. I’ll train with her in the Danger Room, and punch in a few solo programs for her. Make sure she’s signed up for classes and encourage her to get in some extracurriculars too. She’ll feel less like a loose end with a good routine to follow. And if by chance an appropriate away mission comes along in time, we’ll do that too. Nothing like a successful assignment under your belt to make you feel like you’ve got a purpose.
I’m not worried about her. Jubilee’s gonna find her feet and do great here at the school. She’s a gregarious girl, enjoys talking and being sociable. Won’t be long before she’ll have a passel of friends. All kids need pals their age. She’ll fit right in with the adults around here too, the teachers and the team, most of whom, let’s face it, are more responsible than yours truly. They’ll show her fresh viewpoints and offer up ideas that are different from mine. Less volatile, perhaps. More forgiving.
Small separations, like small joinings, are a part of life. This is another of nature’s cycles. The bond Jubes and I have is strong. This new arrangement we were heading into wasn’t going to put any real distance between us. We were good. I wouldn’t be honest though if I said I wasn’t going to miss her full attention. That had been an easy thing to get used to. She is a spark of positivity in an often twilit world.
So yeah. One a hell of a kid, Jubilation Lee. Been through too much in her short life, and deserves nothing but the best. I’ve spoken to Chuck about what her first mission with me might entail. I can count on him to help me ease her into it soft. But I told him: not too soft. This is a girl that needs a challenge. I can see her leading her own team one day, easy. It won’t be long before she’ll start depending on me less and less. Eventually maybe she’ll even want to stretch her wings and leave here. Get out from under the protection of this school, and my own as well. It’s possible. When the urge to roam grabs you, it can be damn hard to ignore. Especially when you’re young and full of heart, and relatively untried.
On the opposite side she might be a homebody and stick around. More likely, I think, given her uprooted past. I mean what better place than Xavier’s to test your mettle? But who knows. She has her own mind. I intend to encourage whatever she wants to do as long as she’s displaying her usual good sense.
Spark and flame, moonlight and rushing water.
This is how I see Jubilation as she enters adulthood. Fireworks and personality ablaze, confident, at one with the rhythm and sway of life. Her light a source of strength and comfort for herself and for others, when shadows press too close.
Damn, what a vision.
Now that’s poetry for you.