Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Friday, January 17
“You’ve gotta wait until you hear-”
“-2 clicks, I know.” Peter takes a breath before he pushes the pen down against his thigh and hears the first click, and at first he thinks everything is fine, that he can’t even feel the needle, but then he does, and there’s the sound of the liquid being injected and a searing pain in his thigh that just keeps expanding, and all that he can think to say is “Ow! Ow! This fucking hurts!” He hisses as it continues and looks up at the ceiling, closing his eyes to brace for the last few seconds. “Fuck!” Finally, finally, he hears the second click, but he’s too scared to pull the pen away. He can feel Tony’s hand wrap around his and lift it away, looks down just in time to see blood pooling. Tony’s got a tissue on it in an instant and a band-aid waiting.
An Iron Man band aid.
Tony covers the injection site with the band-aid and begins to clean up the wrappers, and Peter’s suddenly wondering how he’s going to do this every single week, how he’s going to psych himself up to jab himself in the leg with this pen that feels more like a knife. He bites his lip and tries not to cry because he wants to seem brave, wants Tony to think that he’s having some kind of positive impression on him and how he’s dealing with all of this. He can’t move, can’t breathe, is afraid to blink.
“Peter?”
“I’m okay.”
“Can’t lie to me, kid. I see straight through it.”
“I know you want to say, “That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” and I’m supposed to sit here and say it was fine b-but it’s not, and I just wish that this wasn’t happening.” Peter sniffles and wipes his nose with his sleeve, tears streaming down his cheeks and into his lap. “And it fuck-sorry-freaking hurt so badly. And you bought me these silly Iron Man band-aids and I can’t tell if it’s making everything better or worse.”
“You can say fuck, you know,” Tony offers. “I’m not Steve, who believes that all swearing earns you a one-way ticket to Hell.”
Peter lets out a small laugh. “In that case, that really fucking hurt.”
Rubbing Peter’s back in small, soothing circles, Tony adds, “Not going to lie, it definitely seemed like it did. I’m sorry, Underoos. It’s okay to admit that this is hard.”
“You never admit when things are hard, though.” He sniffles, wipes his face again. “You just…work through them.”
“Well, if you call anti-social narcissistic behaviors coupled with insomnia and anxiety ‘working through difficult things,’ then I think you might not have the best role model, kid.”
Peter sniffles and looks up at Tony. “What are you talking about? You’re the best, Tony.”
“A lot of people might disagree with you on that. Actually, not might, would.”
“But look at where you are now. You’ve got your new tower, the Avengers, Pepper.” Peter wants to add and me, but stops himself. He doesn’t feel like an asset right now. Not even close. Tony isn’t well, has the Stark Industries exec board breathing down his neck about their contracts with Grumman, and now with all of this autoimmune stuff, Peter’s not sure how much longer Tony can keep doing this, this ‘taking care of Peter’ thing. He knows Aunt May is trying, but it’s been hard with her new job. In truth, he’s grown kind of happy at the Tower with Pepper and Tony. He likes that Tony’s his emergency contact when May’s away, that he’s the one who showed up after he blacked out in front of his entire chem class and stuck with him when he wasn’t exactly easy to deal with, that he’s becoming the father figure he’s didn’t even know he was longing for after Ben died.
It makes him feel like someone’s chosen to be by his side.
But it also makes him feel like he’s stealing Tony from more important things.
“You know, I was waiting on this, because of everything that’s been going on. I didn’t think it would be fair to just throw it on you,” Tony says, his face scrunching as he tries not to cry. Peter knows what’s coming, that Tony is going to tell him that their trip is cancelled, that he has to go back to May’s, that this health stuff with the breathing treatments and the nightmares and now the injections have become too much. As much as Peter wishes, he isn’t theirs. He’s not Tony and Pepper’s responsibility. He gets it, but that doesn’t stop him from starting to cry harder, from not being able to hold back every apology he’s wanted to shout out into the world since he realized his chest was feeling funny a few weeks ago.
“I’m sorry,” he sobs, looking down at his lap. “I-If I had known that I was going to be this sick, I would have taken my inhalers sooner, would have left the Tower sooner and made sure that I didn’t keep interrupting you and Pepper with my attacks, and I’m sorry, I know you didn’t ask for this, and it’s not fair to either of you, and I-I-”
Tony’s got a hand on his shoulder as he asks, “Peter, what in the world are you talking about?”
“I know you want me to leave!” he yells, pulling away from Tony. “I get it, I do! I know this is a lot! I know I’m not your kid even though you call me ‘kid’ and do so much for me. You don’t even have to say it, I can just…go.” He lifts himself from the couch, his leg burning as he strains the muscle where he’s done his injection, his hand covering it as he pauses and winces.
“Pete, I’m not asking you to leave. Do you honestly…you honestly think I would ask you to leave?” Tony asks, helping him down onto the couch and lifting his chin. “I’m asking you if it’s okay that I become one of your legal guardians. I’ve been discussing it with May for a while now and she said that it was up to you.”
His eyes go wide. “You’re a-adopting me?!”
“No,” Tony laughs softly, smiling at Peter. “Not exactly. May wants to make sure you have somewhere to stay and be supported, and she can’t always make legal decisions from afar. She said it’s okay if you stay here with Pepper and me for as long as you need to.”
“But…May’s…she’s all-”
Tony puts a hand up. “May is welcome here any time. I made it abundantly clear that we I am in no way trying to replace her. Pepper and I just want to help right now, and she agreed that the shared guardianship would be best, as long as you agreed.”
“Are you serious?” Peter’s face lights up as he tries to hold back happy tears. “Please tell me you’re serious, because if this is some kind of joke, it’s a cruel one, and I really don’t have the emotional energy to handle much more at the moment.”
“Sir, you have a high heart rate alert from Peter,” FRIDAY tattles.
“Fucking Karen and FRIDAY,” Peter jokes, wiping his tears with his sleeve.
“As serious as I could ever be,” Tony assures him. “You seriously thought Pepper and I would kick you out of our home?” He’s somewhat heartbroken at the thought, would never want Peter to feel that way.
“I don’t…I don’t know, Tony.” He sighs, runs a hand through his hair as he thinks, and it reminds Tony of himself. “I’m not exactly an easy kid. I…my immune system and lungs don’t work right, and I get cranky because of the meds, and…things have just been really confusing lately a-and-”
“Well, that’s for damn sure,” Tony says, laughing.
“Hey!”
“I was only joking, Underoos,” Tony says, patting him on the shoulder. “You can’t help being sick. And you’re pretty easy most of the time, except when it comes to doing extra treatments and slowing down when you know you need to.”
“Slowing down means I have to think,” he admits. “And I didn’t like doing extra treatments because of how they made me feel.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the side effects?”
He shrugs. “Because I didn’t know there was another option and I just wanted to be less trouble?”
“Speaking up about side effects doesn’t make you trouble, Peter. It makes you a responsible patient.”
“I know, I just didn’t want to sound like I was complaining.” He lets out a long exhale. “I know these meds and treatments are expensive. I know you and Pepper and May are tired because you’re all working so hard to make sure I’m eating right and taking all of my meds and breathing, and it just feels like I’m…not allowed to comment on any of it because everyone else has been so…selfless… I guess I just feel selfish for wanting it to be any different.” He shrugs, sniffling. “I feel selfish for not being better yet, for maybe never getting better.”
“You know, it’s okay that you’re not better yet,” Tony says quietly, pulling Peter against his chest when he sees the kid’s lip start to tremble. The kid breaks down instantly, leans right into Tony as he cries. “And, it’s okay if this is the status quo from now on, kiddo. We’d still do the same things for you no matter what. We all love you very, very much.”
“I know,” Peter mumbles against Tony’s shirt. “That’s what May said, too. And it almost makes it worse, though. Knowing. It’s pressure. It’s…you’re taking me on as a guardian and I’m a lot of extra work and you don’t have to do this, it’s okay not to, I won’t be mad, it’s r-really nice of you-”
“Peter,” he says softly, pulling the kid away from his place burrowed against his shirt so that he can see his face. He swipes his thumbs under the kid’s eyes to clear the tears. “Hey. I would do this even if you weren’t sick. This has nothing to do with you being sick.”
“Y-You’re just saying that, because I am sick, and you don’t want me to f-feel bad a-and…”
“Peter.”
“You didn’t sign up for this!” Peter cries, and there’s anger behind it that Tony was not expecting. “Y-you didn’t sign up for any of this when you picked me up form school that day, and May didn’t sign up for this when my parents died, and Pepper sure as hell didn’t sign up for this when she married you, and I’m just…this isn’t fair to anyone else. It’s fine if it’s my problem but it’s n-not fine if…if everyone else…has to be stuck with it too!”
“Stuck?! Peter,” he says, exasperated and lost for words, tears brimming. “No one is stuck with you! We…we love you, kiddo. I speak for all of us, even Happy and your team, when I say that we would be absolutely devastated if anything were to ever happen to you.”
“You’ve given me this speech before!” he yells as the tears stream down his face and he pulls his hands into the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “So has Steve!”
“Because you’re stubborn and you don’t ever listen to a word that anyone ever says!” Tony yells back, slapping his hands down on his lap and shaking his head. He takes a breath and softens his voice when he says, “I’m asking you if I can be one of your legal guardians because I’ve never had any kids of my own, and you’re the closest thing that I have to son, just like when you said I was the closest thing that you had to a father, and if you don’t want to, I understand, Underoos. I do. I’m not gonna make you do something you don’t want to, not something like this. But my offer stands because of everything I said. Sick or not, it would be an honor to be one of your guardians. An absolute fucking honor, Peter. Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark does have a heart. A broken one that likes to beat at its own rhythm, but I have one, and I’m trying to use it and if you would just give me the chance-”
His words are broken off by Peter wrapping his arms around Tony’s neck, squeezing tightly as hot tears trail down his face. Tony feels his own hot tears sliding down his cheeks as he hugs the kid back.