But Please Say It Anyway
January 17th
Steve stood outside Bucky’s bedroom door.
When he’d first got to the Barnes residence George had greeted him in the entree way, confused why Bucky got dropped off by that Barton boy today instead of with Steve.
The blond had floundered a bit, debating making up an excuse but finding the thought of lying to George Barnes makes his chest ache, and instead confessed to upsetting his son and he was here to try and make things right between them again.
George, for some reason, smiled.
“I’m proud of you kid.” He said, clapping the Alpha on the shoulder.
Steve’s brows rose, then bunched together when he really took in the man’s words.
“I’m- I’m sorry?” He’s asked. “You must’ve misheard me-“
The older Alpha silenced him with a little wave, “No I heard you, son.”
“But I-“ Steve tried, only to be interrupted once more.
“I know, I know. But hearing you be so honest with me again, it just makes me feel so proud to see the man you’re turning into.” George smiled again, squeezing Steve’s shoulder a little more. “When you two told us about the baby I was worried you’d always keep that cautious space between us, but hearing you admit to me that you messed up and wanna make things right with James, well it makes me proud is all.”
Oh god, of all the times to hear George say this now was probably the worst time.
Steve was already feeling like shit on his way from Natasha’s house, reflecting on the red heads words and his recent decisions. But hearing praise from the man who played a huge part in shaping him, teaching him what it was to be a man, and what it was like to have a father around?
Fuck, Steve may just cry right here.
As if sensing Steve heightened emotions, George clapped him on the back one last time and departed to the living room.
Well…
That wasn’t something he expected, nor did he find himself mentally capable of processing that right now.
Not now.
Maybe this was George’s secret plan to make him feel even worse for hurting his son, shower him in praise knowing it would only increase his guilt and self loathing-
No. No, no.
George Barnes may be the most protective father he’s ever seen, but he’s not a liar.
Which can only mean he really was proud of Steve, and goddamnit if the blond wasn’t gonna earn that pride by going upstairs and giving the Omega the best apology anyone has ever given!
He marched up the stairs, steps strong, head held high and bursting with a courage that slowly died the closer he got to Bucky’s door.
Bucky’s door…
The door he’d been staring at for the last minute and a half, eyes tracing the outline of a kitten sticker Sophie had stuck to the wood a few years ago.
The little kittens ear was scratched off, no doubt from a failed attempt to remove it by an annoyed bucky.
It looked about as pathetic as Steve felt.
With a deep breath in, and then out, he knocked.
“Come in.”
...............
Bucky heard the door creak open, knowing who waited beyond it without having to turn from his desk chair that faced out his bedroom window.
Even if he couldn’t see the Alpha’s truck parked on the curb infront of his house, the quiet shuffling outside his door for the last two minutes, and the unmistakable scent of Steve creeping under his door would’ve been a dead giveaway.
Bucky wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear the Alpha out, on one hand he still felt a rage bubbling under the surface from the man’s earlier comment.
‘I just can’t understand how you could be so selfish!’
However…
The idea of fighting with Steve felt utterly exhausting, and if he was honest, it made him feel a little empty inside.
That deep ache he gets whenever they argue, the one that starts from his heart and radiates out his chest into his entire being has been dwindling from a roaring fire to a withering spark in the hours since this morning.
He’d spent the school day unable to concentrate on his classes, on his friends around him, even on the incessant kicking he felt from within.
The anger that had carried him from Steve’s truck, up and away from the Alpha had cooled.
And the aching that replaced it was also chilling, turning to an icy emptiness, a vast open expanse inside him.
All around him.
He’d been staring at the January ice on his window melt from the winter sun, only to start to freeze over again as the clouds blocked any warm light from entering his window.
It sparkled in the over cast day.
He couldn’t help but miss the suns warmth.
The creaking door quieted, a soft clicking sound as it shut completely.
“Bucky?”
Turning in his chair, the Omega glanced at the blond.
Hmm? Oh.
Yes, he did miss the sun. These over cast clouds only hid the warmth he so desperately missed, and the frown on the Alpha’s face was bringing forth that ache once more.
He supposed this heartache was a welcome pain from the emptiness that had encapsulated his chest, because even when the Sun wasn’t smiling it still lit his room in a warm glow.
“Hey…” he whispered.
“Hi…” Steve whispered back, taking a step. And then another, and one more had him kneeling front of Bucky.
The Alpha hesitated to place his palms on the Omega’s knees, though his touch felt welcomed- no, needed. So Bucky took hold of those strong wrists, guiding warm hands to his waist. Wrapping around his sides, and easing the ache in his chest.
They stared at one another, and the brunette could feel something pass between them, see something flicker in the others eyes.
Though he wasn’t sure what, but whatever it was just hurt real bad.
“I don’t want to fight,” Bucky started, and the blond nodded, but before he could cut in Bucky knew he must get this out. “But I don’t want to act like nothing happened either.”
Once more, Steve nodded, eager to agree. “I don’t want to fight either, and I have no plans of ignoring it. Buck, I-“ he looked down, eyes on the Omega’s lap instead of his eyes.
Bucky brought his right hand to blond strands, stroking and scratching to help ease the tension that ran through every inch of that giant Alpha’s body.
His hair was always a little scratchier than he expects, but the coarse texture makes him smile, reminding him of the two in one shampoo/conditioner his Alpha uses.
Silly Alpha.
I love you.
“I’m sorry.” A whisper.
“Hmm? I didn’t quite catch that.” Bucky said.
“I’m sorry.” A little louder this time.
“I can’t hear you when you’re speaking to my lap.” He said.
Looking up the Alpha started, “I’m-“ his eyes widened, and he stared.
“You’re… smiling?” Steve asked.
Smiling? Was he?
Oh, he was.
Bucky chuckled, “you were saying?” He asked.
Steve’s mouth morphed from a surprised ‘O’ to a hesitation lift at the edges, and finally a smile to match his Omega’s.
“Im sorry.” He said, his eyes crinkly at the edges as the clouds gave way to the those radiant beams of January sunshine. “I’m sorry, for not listening to you. For not listening to the first time, the second, third and probably fifty other times you told me you’re reasoning.”
The big palms resting on his side rubbed up and down, reaching first to wrap around the Omega’s waist and pull him slightly towards the blond. Legs parting to allow the Alpha to get as close as possible in their current position, his chest pressing against the inside of Bucky’s thighs.
Steve continued, “And I’m sorry for forcing you to give a reason, you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to me. It feels stupid now but, I just wanted to have my way so bad I guess I just couldn’t- well, didn’t even think about seeing it from your perspective. And I’m sorry. Sorry for asking your parents too, that was sneaky and unfair.” He smooshed even further into Bucky.
Bucky smiled.
He laughed.
Leaning down, only to be stopped by his belly, so instead he urged the Alpha upwards with his hands. Guiding the other into a kiss, but before their lips could touch he said. “I forgive you, and I’m sorry for leaving you to deal with every one yesterday. That wasn’t nice, and I’m sure you felt a little blindsided.” He pecked the Alpha’s lips.
Kissed him once, “but now I think.” Kissed him twice, “That I want,” A third kiss. “You to take me to bed.” He whispered.
Steve grinned, arms sliding from the Omega’s waist to under his butt and lifting.
Bucky chuckled as he was raised into the air, kissed, and plopped onto his mattress (or more like gently set down, because even in his excitement Steve would never risk hurting the baby.)
That ache, and that empty pit, it turns out could be chased away.
Melted by the warm rays of sun.
...............
February 14th
Bucky twisted the snowflake on his necklace between his thumb and index (A gift from Steve, because apparently Bucky accepting his apology was too easy for the Alpha.), shifting uncomfortably on the barstool he sat on.
It was Valentine’s Day.
And Bucky was stuck at one of the oddest parties he’d been to, I mean who even hosts a party on Valentine’s Day?
Tony, that’s who.
Because apparently the Beta is incapable of having a stable and healthy relationship, and only knows how to self sabotage any type of happiness in his life.
It seems him and Bruce were moving too far from doing whatever it was that Sam had the unfortunate chance of walking in on, and towards a well- a couple.
So of course, when Tony undoubtedly panicked the closer the 14th came and decided to completely blow it with Banner, he decided to throw a Valentine’s Day party.
Because if Tony Stark was gonna be single, alone and miserable on the day of love then so was everyone else.
And if Bucky wasn’t so uncomfortable right now, he would go wack Cupid on the back of his head.
If Tony completely taking over his first Valentine’s Day with Steve (and last before they became parents) wasn’t bad enough, the Beta had to dress up as Cupid to seal the deal.
And not just a plastic bow and arrow, but a full set of wings, he’s talking Victoria’s secret fashion show wings. The amount of people he’s hit in the face with those damn feathers, the drinks he spilled, and the fire he almost started (just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you need to light a hundred candles and place rose petals all over the floor Tony!!).
The baby kicked. Hard.
Fuck, Bucky just wanted to be in Steve’s bed, watch a movie on the Alpha’s laptop and be surrounded by his scent.
But nooooo, Tony was in crisis, and what kind of friends would they be if they didn’t show up in his time of need?
Bless Steve for his caring heart, but if he wants any chance of something remotely romantic happening tonight he better get his ass over here so they can leave.
When Tony called them this morning, in “tears” saying they needed to come to his party tonight, Bucky had no issues saying. “Fuck off.”
When Tony called back after being hung up on, his caring Alpha took pity on the Beta.
“We’ll just stop by, show our support, and then go home. I know he’s using this as a way to mask his feeling, but I think he’s really hurting Buck.”
Mhmm…
You know who’s really hurting? Bucky!
And watching Tony make out with Pepper Potts across the dining table was only adding to the physical pain he already felt.
“Hey Bucko, you okay?” Clint asked, head poking out from around the fridge door. Though Bucky doesn’t even know why he still tries, everyone knows Tony’s fridge is only ever full of energy drinks.
“Well I’m due to have a baby in two weeks, my Alpha’s no where to be found on Valentine’s Day, and I would rather be anywhere but here. So sure, I’m great.” He said, leaning back in the bar stool but the low back of the seat adding no support.
God, a really felt like shit.
Plus the cramping he’d been feeling all week was worse today, Sarah said his body was practicing for labor. Which woah, that freaked him out.
And each tightening pain is a reminder that soon, very soon, this little kicking machine in his tummy was gonna be outside. In his arms, and like, a real person.
Okay, not the time to think about that.
He’ll think about that when he’s at home, where and he can try and get comfortable (key word “try”).
Clint gave him a sympathetic grimace, but Bucky could detect a hint of real worry in his eyes.
The Omega wondered if maybe he looked as bad as he felt.
The practice cramp in his belly made him think that, yeah, he probably looked like shit.
God, why have they been so bad today? It’s probably his body reacting to the stress Tony’s put him through, and okay- don’t think of Tony right now.
Best to just block out whatever him and Pepper have going on in his peripheral view.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Like, actually?” Clint asked, and Bucky realized that the Beta was still looking at him. “It’s just, you look like you’re in a lot of pain.”
Bucky tried to fight back a cringe when the tightening started again, his back aching with it.
“I’m just cramping a lot today, it’s fine.” He said, one hand coming to rub his lower back as his other rubbed over his belly. The softness of his baby pink sweater felt nice at least, even if he himself didn’t.
“Cramps? Isn’t that- bad?” Clint asked, closing the fridge and coming closer.
“Sarah said they’re practice ones.” He explained.
“Okay… but when do practice ones become real ones?” The Beta asked, eyebrows raised high.
Well, hmm… good question.
“I don’t know, it’s not like these ones hurt any more than the ones I’ve been having all week. It’s just that there’s more today.” And it’s true, they they didn’t feel any different.
But they still hurt.
The first one he’d had last week scared the shit out of him, he was just about to fall asleep when it took hold of him.
Luckily they were at the Roger’s home, and when Steve called for Sarah, she was there in an instant.
There to reassure him, they called his doctor just to be sure and made an appointment for that week. Everything was fine they’d said, he was healthy and his body was progressing as it should.
Sarah said he’d know the difference between a practice contraction and a real one, that the pain was normal and he didn’t need to worry.
Bucky doesn’t remember her saying anything about the timing, even though they’re more frequent, the pain hasn’t gotten worse. So they’re still practice ones…
It’s okay.
He’s okay.
Clint’s worry is just making him worry, that’s all.
“Maybe I should go find Steve…” Clint mumbled, and though Bucky didn’t want to panic him anymore, the thought of Steve being brought back to him sounded really nice.
“Umm, it’s okay Clint. But, if you do see him, maybe tell him to come see me?” He hesitantly asked.
He may have wanted to leave this party (desperately leave, he’s wanted to leave since the moment he got here-), but he also didn’t want to freak Clint out anymore.
“On it, I’ll hunt him down.” Clint saluted, and before the Omega could say more his friend and had disappeared into the crowd.
Bucky sighed, and decided that standing sounded better than being stuck in this uncomfortable chair.
Glancing towards the unfortunate event that was Tony Stark and Pepper Potts (unfortunate because Steve was right about Tony actually hurting, and he was absolutely going to regret this when he realizes how he actually feels about Banner. Oh Tony…), and decided to turn in the opposite direction, towards the lower floors spare rooms.
Wondering down a big hallway for a bit, pausing once to lean slightly against the wall and breathe through a… practice contraction? Luckily it wasn’t very busy this way, only a few people here and there.
He ended up in what he assumed must be a family room? Gaming room? He wasn’t quite sure, the Stark family had a lot of rooms with very specific uses, which was odd considering Mr. And Mrs. Stark were almost always out of town.
How they had the time to even conceptualize their house plans, let alone use any of them, Bucky would never understand.
Here he found Natasha, she was alone in the room.
He knocked on the doorway, even the it was open when he got there.
She glance up from her phone, over the top of the couch she sat on.
“Mind if join you?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.
She smiled, nodding. “Like you have to ask.”
He rounded the couch to sit with her, watching as she went back to texting… whoever.
Maybe she had a valentine? Either way Bucky knew not to pry with Nat, he was pretty sure she’d take it easy on him because he’s pregnant, but best not test the theory.
Letting his body relax into the cushions, he sighed. The baby shifted, it felt really uncomfortable, but it didn’t necessarily hurt. He rubbed over his belly, looking down from where he sat, you could really see the baby’s growth.
His little bump was not so little any more, cupping both hands on the under side of the curve he could almost visualize holding his baby.
Soon.
And if the cramping ramping up was anything to go by, probably really soon.
He couldn’t believe sometime in the next two weeks he would have a baby, him and Steve would be parents. It’s beyond scary, but ever since he’d told his family and friends, with their love and support it’s allowed him the privilege of feeling excited.
A feeling he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to have back when the secret of his little bump was kept between him and the angel he was growing.
A knock sounded behind them, both of them turning to see Sam at the doorway.
“Hey, Clint said you were looking for Steve?” He asked.
“And where is he?” Bucky asked, laughing lightly.
“We went back to the kitchen to find you, but you weren’t there so we split up. Guess I win.” He laughed, coming over to sit on the couch with the two.
“I texted him where we are.” Nat said, finally setting her phone down.
Sam shifted, catching his eye. “You okay though? Clint looked kinda spooked.”
Bucky sighed, sitting up a bit when he felt that familiar tightening slowly build in his belly.
“I’ve been having practice contractions and I guess they just scared Clint.” He explained, sighing a bit as the pain ranked up.
“Yeah I think I see why…” Sam said, watching Bucky wearily.
Natasha leaned over too, getting a good look at him.
“Yeah, you’re really flushed.” She said, feeling his forehead with her hand.
Bucky didn’t reply, the practi- the contraction wasn’t like what he was expecting. It started slow, and grew and the pain just kept climbing higher and higher. Until eventually it peaked.
This was different.
Way different.
This was-
Real.
Sarah said he would know, he’d know when a real contraction happened.
And here it was.
Holy shit.
He just sat there, hands on the side of his belly, breathing as he stared ahead.
Sam and Natasha shared a look, both moving closer.
When Natasha opened her mouth to say something she was interrupted by Bucky letting out a- well, a yelp? A scream? He wasn’t quite sure what because the pain was so intense he couldn’t focus on anything else.
“Bucky?!”
Steve, that was Steve.
“Buck- oh my! Oh my god are you- are you okay?!” The Alpha was frantic as he sprinted to get in front of the Omega, kneeling on the ground.
Bucky hadn’t realized his head had been thrown back until the contraction ended, and he had to lower his gaze to meet Steve’s.
“Hey, hey baby I’m here. Let’s get you out to the trunk, okay? Can you walk, should I carry you?” He asked, his hands rubbed soothingly up and down the Omega’s arms.
Bucky was panting, his breath a little panicked as he realized what was happening.
“I think I’m in labor.” He said, tears springing to his eyes as he stared into Steve’s.
“I know baby, it’s okay.” Steve said, and he smiled. Bucky could see the panic in his eyes, but the fact the Alpha was trying to stay calm for him meant a lot.
“Okay, I- I can walk. Let’s, umm let’s go.”
Bucky took both of Steve’s hands in his, Sam and Natasha each took one of his arms, and the together the four of them stood.
Oh, that didn’t feel right.
Bucky crouched just slightly, and Steve caught him.
“Buck?” He asked, holding the Omega firmly.
“The baby I can feel-“ He was cut off by a contraction.
The feeling of the baby resting so low was so uncomfortable he didn’t even know what to think, and the pressure from the contraction was unlike anything he’d felt before.
His face felt wet but he wasn’t sure if he was crying, it was hard for his brain to even process anything beyond the pain he felt.
The pressure built, low, and when it was hitting a point he felt he wouldn’t be able to handle everything released.
And the unmistakable sound of liquid hitting the hardwood floor caught up to him, and right after he registered the sound he realized his pants were soaked.
“Oh my god…” He whispered, glancing down but struggling to see past his belly.
Steve’s grip never let up, and for that he was grateful because he had no idea if his legs could actually hold him up.
“It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay, you’re okay…” Steve was whispering, words of comfort the Omega hadn’t heard but needed all the same.
“I don’t think I can- that I can walk.” He said, the tears were back, but not from pain. He wasn’t even sure it was panic, heck it could be excitement and joy for all he knew.
This overwhelming flood of emotions was so new and overwhelming, he wasn’t even sure he could handle feeling so many things at once.
“Okay, it’s okay. Can I pick you up? Is that alright?” Steve asked, leaning away from Bucky to see his face, but not letting go with his strong grip.
Bucky nodded, not daring to speak when he felt his through tighten along with his flowing tears.
Steve nodded back, making eye contact and smiling at Bucky.
“Let’s go have a baby okay?” He whispered, kissing Bucky’s wet cheeks.
Bucky wasn’t sure if he laughed or sobbed, but he was certain Steve made him feel okay either way.
Leaning down, letting Bucky use his shoulders for balance, the Alpha slowly and carefully picked Bucky up, cradling him to his strong chest.
He thought he could hear the three of them talking as Steve carried him through the house and out to the truck, and one point Bucky thought he heard Tony yell something but he could have imagined that.
Sam opened the passenger door, and Steve gently set him down in the seat. Kissing his cheek and whispering sweet words to him before rushing to the drivers side, before the door was shut Nat came up, cupped his cheeks in her slim hands.
“I called your parents and Sarah, they’ll meet you at the hospital.” She said, making direct eye contact, keeping his focus.
“Hey,” she said. “You’ve got this. You’ll do great, I know you will.” And with a quick hug, she pulled away shutting the door.
The second the truck started moving Steve’s hand found Bucky’s, linking them together.
“I love you.” Bucky whispered, and gosh he was still crying.
Steve glanced to him, smiled. “I love you.” He spoke, just above a whisper. And by the strain in his voice, Bucky knew he was crying too.
Bucky grinned back, even as the next contraction started.
Yes, this feeling, he could fully identify it now.
He was full of love.
He was ready to meet their baby.
...............
February 19
Sitting in his bed Bucky couldn’t help but marvel at their little angel, at only four days old (give or take a few hours) their baby seemed so big in his arms.
Resting against him, warm and squishy, Bucky really couldn’t believe this baby was inside him not long ago.
Born in the early hours on the morning of February 15, Bucky got to hold their daughter for the first time.
She had his hair, it was dark and full. But her face, undeniably Steve’s. Even though Christina and Sophie said she looked like an alien when she was born, and Steve was convinced that there was no way to tell yet. Bucky knew, and both their mothers agreed with him.
He was so happy to finally have her home, after having to stay in the hospital a few extra days on account of how much blood he lost, being home in his nest with his baby? He’d never felt happier, well…
One thing would make him happier, and looky what just walked through the door.
“There you are.” He whispered, smiling at his Alpha.
His sunshine, who had never burned brighter.
If it was possible, Steve seemed to somehow light up even more when he was with their daughter.
“You two are so… so perfect right now.” Steve whispered back, slowly making his way closer.
The Alpha climbed into the nest, the only person to not need to ask permission to enter, the only one Bucky would never deny.
He laid beside the Omega, both of them propped on a pillow, his hands slipping around his little family.
One under Bucky’s back, to softly stroke against his side, and the other coming to rap around Bucky’s own that supported their daughter.
To be able to hold her together now, after carrying her for so long, Bucky was so happy to share this with Steve.
He thinks back to when it was just him and his little baby, just a tiny bump who he kept hidden away.
When Steve was just his friend, his best friend, his soulmate. Everything but what Bucky so desperately wanted.
When he’d spent months dreaming of their night together, certain it would never happen again.
The fear he felt when he first learned of her existence, it’s amazing because back then he never thought he’d feel anything as strongly as that.
But here today, his Alpha holding him, holding them. His daughter safe in his arms, content and healthy.
Right now, he’s certain he will never feel something as strongly, as powerful as this…
As this love.
“I love you…”