The Talk
If you thought he’d been sleep deprived before, you weren’t prepared for the heavy bags under his eyes. You hadn’t seen him that exhausted since he’d first joined the team and had been battling his nightmares. When was the last time he had slept through the night?
You leaned against the wall and slowly sunk down, closing your eyes as you leaned back to rest your head against the cool wall. You didn’t look as he joined you, sitting against the wall, close enough to reach out and touch but it felt like miles as you remembered all the late-night talks with the two of you side-by-side, sitting together as the world moved around you.
“Bucky, I don’t want to talk. Not anymore, I can’t do this” you sighed, your voice dropping to a whisper before you continued, “I can’t take it anymore babe…”
“Please, just give me a chance Doll… Hear me out this one time and I won’t ever ask you to again” he begged, his voice was low.
“Do I even get a choice?”
He nodded slowly, “Yeah, you get a choice. I’m done making decisions for you… If you tell me to shut up, I’ll just sit here with you until the doors unlock.”
You didn’t respond and you pulled your knees up against you, wrapping your arms around them as you rested your chin on them. You didn’t turn to look at him, but you studied him out of the corner of your eye. He was sitting rigid, staring straight ahead as he waited for you to decide. To those who didn’t know him, he would just look like a man lost in thought. You could see the nerves beneath the surface, the tension brewing in him like a storm.
You took a shuddering breath and closed your eyes tightly, “Okay”
“Is that… okay shut up or okay talk?” he asked softly, trying to bite back the hope in case you meant for him to be quiet.
“Okay, you can talk” you explained, turning to look at him, the side of your head now cushioned on your arms.
Bucky sat up slowly, afraid that if he moved too fast you’d spook like a wild animal. He shifted to sit facing you, the palms of his hands resting on his knees as he sat, legs crisscrossed. Nervously, he brushed the hair out of his face and let out a slow breath before he began.
“[Y/N] I need you to know I did - do - love you. I’ve never stopped. You’ve always been the one for me, and I miss you more than I can say every day that I’m not with you. I know you think I don’t love you, and you have every reason to think that because of what I did, what I said. I know I should have talked to you about it all when Loki first started in on me.
“But I didn’t, Doll. God, if I could go back in time I would, I’d sit you down and tell you everything. Instead, I let Loki tell me that you’d finally realized I was too fucked up. I let him convince me that you’d be happier without me. That you were planning on dumping me that night. I let myself listen to his lies and it wasn’t long before I began to believe them.
“I mean, you’re you, baby. You’re amazing and funny and sweet and always quick with a smile for your team. And I’m me, damaged and broken. What in the hell had I done to deserve you? Of course, you finally came to your senses. I didn’t decide not to talk to you because I don’t love you, or because I don’t trust you. I didn’t talk to you about it because it made total sense that you’d be done with me.
“At first I was determined to do better, be better, to win you back. I wanted to convince you to stay with me. And then it dawned on me you’d be better without me. You could move on and be happy without having to worry about me freaking out in a crowd, or me waking up in the middle of the night screaming. You deserve so much more.
“And I know you, you’re so sweet. And so caring. I didn’t want you to feel bad, I didn’t want you to feel guilty for dumping me. I thought if I broke up with you first, you’d feel relieved. I thought you’d be happy… So I said the stupidest thing I could come up with, something you couldn’t argue.”
Bucky stopped, dragging his flesh hand through his hair. You didn’t speak, your mind racing as you processed everything he said. His metal hand began to flex against his knee, clenching and unclenching as the nerves took over. Wordlessly, you reached over to grab his metal hand in warm hand, your fingers softly intertwining as you began to rub soothing circles into the back of his hand as you had so many times before.
After a long moment, he continued, “I never knew how much it could hurt to be away from you, Doll. I never thought you’d leave, I thought I’d just have to watch you from afar. I didn’t count on not seeing you for almost two years. I thought I’d lose my mind when the only thing Thor would tell me is that you were okay. It killed me to not know how you were really doing and I realized I had fucked up but I didn’t know what to do about it.
“And then, Steve showed me a picture of you and Aspen smiling together and I realized just how bad my screw up had been. I realized I’d given up everything I had ever wanted, needed, because Loki got into my head. And I didn’t know how to tell you the truth when I saw you again. Then Loki was always there and you were happy and I thought I had to give you up, but Doll, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give you up, not to him.
“I’m so sorry Doll… I would take it all back if I could. I know it doesn’t mean much anymore, but I love you…” his voice trailed off, eyes staring down at the floor in between the two of you.
With your free hand, you wiped the tears from your eyes, gently squeezing his hand in your own. Neither of you spoke, your mind racing as you tried to put everything together. He refused to look at you, afraid of what he’d see.
You swallowed the lump in your throat, “Bucky, I never wanted you to be anyone but yourself. I know you think - thought? - that you’re a bad person but you’re not. You’re stubborn and playful and I’ve never met someone as loyal and brave as you. You always made me want to be better, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I just wish you’d talked to me… Maybe we wouldn’t be here. Maybe you would have known Aspen from the start…. Maybe we would still be together.”
“Were you ever going to tell me about her?” his voice was barely a whisper, the question he’d been too afraid to ask seemed to echo around the room.
“Yes. I didn’t mean to keep her from you but every time I thought about coming back here or telling you it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was terrified you’d tell me you didn’t want her, and I didn’t know how I’d handle that… I was scared.” you admitted.
“What were you going to tell her… About me?” his eyes studied the wall across the room as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
“I was going to be as honest as I could be. Tell her that her dad was another Midgardian who I’d worked with and we’d been good together until we weren’t. Figured by that time she’d be old enough to come visit you if she wanted so I’d have to tell you by then, and if you wanted, she could come visit. I know it wasn’t my best decision but I got scared and didn’t know what to do…”
Leaving your hands nestled together, he slowly moved to sit in front of you sitting so close your legs were softly brushing together. Slowly you moved to mimic his position, the two of you sitting with your legs crisscrossed, knees touching. You bit your lip, glancing down at your hands before looking up at him through your lashes. He reached up, cupping your cheek in his hand and you leaned into it, eyes sinking closed.
“Give me another chance, Doll. Let me prove that I love you, I’ll never let you go again” he pleaded, his hand falling back to his side slowly.
“We’re not the same people anymore, Bucky. I’m not the woman you knew, I’ve changed… What if we’re just too different now?” you looked anywhere but at him as you voiced your fear.
“What if we’re not? Please Doll, one chance. Just give me one chance to prove to you we can try again.”
Eventually, you nodded once, “One date, Bucky. If we can’t make it work though, we have to move on. We have to figure out how to be friends, for Aspen’s sake, Okay?”
He nodded, smiling gently at you, “I swear you won’t regret this, [Y/N].”
His eyes quickly wandered to look at your lips before back up to meet your gaze. You blushed softly, pulling your lower lip slightly in between your teeth as you smiled up at him. His hand was still resting against your face, his thumb gently brushing against your cheek. The moment seemed to linger as he carefully leaned in stopping an inch away, his eyes searching yours for permission. Slowly, you leaned forward and met his lips.
The kiss started slow, nervous. It didn’t take long before his hands rested on your hips and you were in his lap, your fingers tangled in his hair. He kissed you like a drowning man searching for a last breath of air, desperate and needy. For a moment, everything was right with the world.
And then, it wasn’t. A piercing wolf whistle pierced the silence as the doors opened, and you let out a low groan, burying your head in his shoulder. Bucky growled, his hands still gripping your hips as he glared over your shoulder at Clint.
“Hadn’t heard anything from you two in a bit, we were starting to get worried. Apparently, that wasn’t needed” Clint smirked, “Anyways, looks like you two love birds don’t need to be grounded anymore. You can come join us for dinner if you aren’t too busy.”
Bucky grabbed an empty vial off the counter next to you and chucked it at Clint’s head. Unfortunately, Clint had already ducked around the corner and the glass shattered against the wall instead. You let out a breathy chuckle against his neck, before carefully sliding off his lap.
Bucky got to his feet, and helped you to yours, pulling you into his chest. You pecked him on the cheek before stepping back out of his space. His hand quickly found yours, and you smiled over at him as the familiar sense of peace he'd always given you settled in, warm and comforting like a fireplace in a blizzard.
Your hands still entangled, you rejoined the group in the dining room. The others were all smiling and glancing down at your hands as you settled into the empty seats they’d saved for the two of you, no one wanting to draw attention to the affection you two were showing. Everyone but Clint of course.
“Glad you two could join us” Clint smirked, winking at you across the table.
After a long pause, you smiled at him, your grin predatory, “5… 4…”
“Clint? Run” Nat laughed.
His eyes flew wide, and he jumped to his feet, racing out of the room. As he rounded the corner, he started to slip in his socks and had to catch himself on the wall as he fled. You continued your countdown until he was out of the room and then laughed softly, stealing the water glass Clint had left behind.
“So, are you going to get him or..?” Bucky chuckled, squeezing your hand in his.
“Nah, I’m content to just let him run. It’s more fun to leave him stressing” you shrugged, leaving Nat laughing at your plan.
Dinner that evening was fun, it seemed like a heavy fog had lifted from the group. Clint never returned to the table, and you knew he was out there hiding, worrying about how you’d get him back. Throughout dinner, you and Bucky worked together to take care of Aspen, taking turns feeding her and entertaining her while the other ate. You and Bucky never stopped touching during dinner, whether it be your knees brushing against one another or your pinky fingers linking.
When everything had been cleaned up after dinner and everyone had settled in on the couch to watch a movie, Clint finally returned to the group. He muttered under his breath and watched you warily as he took a seat by Natasha, as far as he could get from you in the room. You merely winked at him, waiting for Bucky to return from putting Aspen to bed in your room. Friday would let you know if she woke or anything happened, and you knew she’d be safe so you were kind of excited for an adults-only evening.
Lady Sif had curled up next to Steve, her head resting on his shoulder and he stared down at her, eyes blown wide and face as red as a tomato. The poor man was stiff as a board and you were trying so hard not to laugh at the panic on his face. As Bucky settled back into the couch next to you, you smiled at him then turned back to Sif and Steve.
“You doing okay over there, Steve?” you teased.
“What? Yeah. No. Of course. I’m fine.” he stammered, his blush deepening.
“I told you, Sif” you snickered, “You’re going to break the poor man.”
Sif merely shrugged at you, her eyes dancing playfully as she leaned into Steve more. You were beginning to worry the super soldier was actually uncomfortable when you noticed the soft way he looked at her, and you began to wonder if there really was something there or if he was just too worried about offending her to push her away. Before you could bug her again, Bucky pulled you against his side. You weren’t sure what tomorrow would bring, or if there would be a future for the two of you, but if there wasn’t you didn’t want to have wasted a single moment not touching him when you could have.
As the movie started, you snuggled into him, his arm wrapping around your shoulder. Slowly, you fell asleep, tucked into him. You didn’t see the way he smiled softly down at you, his fingers slowly combing through your hair as you slept on him. It was the best sleep you’d had in a long while honestly.
When the movie finally drew to a close, Steve sprang away from Sif and quickly retreated, claiming he needed to be up early. As the others dispersed, Nat showing Sif where the guest rooms were, Bucky slowly got to his feet and picked you up. You burrowed into his chest, letting out a content sigh as he carried you to your room.
You let out a quiet groan of protest when he set you carefully on your bed. For a moment, you thought about asking him to stay but even in your exhaustion you knew it was too soon for that, you both needed space and time to figure out how you were going to make this work. He kissed you gently on the forehead, then did the same for Aspen before retreating to his room.