Family
Chapter 3- Family
“What do we do now?”
Peter felt panic rise in him for what felt like the millionth time. He felt helpless, an impending doom looming over him. He looked around and saw his emotions mirrored in the people around him.
They stood in a semi-circle, with Gamora and Doctor Strange in the middle. They had become the natural leaders of their group, given that they knew the most about their current environment.
To be honest, even after Doctor Strange’s explanation of where they were, Peter still had trouble wrapping his head around everything. Supposedly, they were trapped inside one of the infinity stones, specifically the soul stone.
They were trapped inside a stone, yet they were in an endless orange plane. They were trapped inside a magic rock, and they were surrounded by trillions of the people wiped out by the snap.
And every single one of them was asleep, except for the 11 people standing in this circle.
By now, he was acquainted with everyone. There was T’challa, the king of Wakanda, and Shuri, his little sister. There was Peter Quill, who was a half-human, half-god. There was: Mantis, an insect lady, Drax, an angry alien who took everything literally, Groot, a walking tree, and Gamora, a violent green lady who reminded him of MJ. There was Stephen Strange, who he already met on Titan. And lastly, there was Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes. Sam was the falcon, and Bucky was a brainwashed ex-assassin for hydra. Both of whom were Captain America’s best friends.
For the first few hours (not that he could really tell the passage of time in the soul stone) after he met everybody, he was in a silent shock. Even though he should have been worried about other things (see: dead), he couldn’t help but freak out over the fact that he was literally walking among some of the biggest heroes in the galaxy.
But by now, it had been a couple of days, and Peter had gotten over his shock. He came to realize the depth of the situation they were in and the fact that they might not ever be able to make it out of here. And now, the situation had somehow become worse.
After days of walking around and only finding people in a coma-like state, Doctor Strange had finally come to a conclusion.
“They’re not waking up. Nobody is. And, if I’m correct, which I am, it means that we are the only people here left who are awake.” His face was grim, and he waited while everyone processed what he had just said.
They could sense there was more, so they stayed silent and waited for him to continue, their faces grim with a mixture of horror and acceptance.
“If we are indeed the last people awake right now, then it means that we might start to fall asleep as well.”
For a moment, everyone was silent. Peter could tell that they were most likely just trying to understand precisely what that meant. Before they could contemplate too long, Strange explained, “We are in the soul stone. Technically, we’re not supposed to be conscious. In here, everyone asleep has succumbed to the power of the infinity stone. I think that it wants us asleep.”
Nobody had any clue as to what he meant when he said the stone wanted them to be asleep but remained silent. “Somehow, we are all awake. I think it’s because we are among the strongest-minded, and we were all somehow able to overcome the stone. But, the soul stone is incredibly powerful. Over time, that power will chip away at our minds until we can no longer resist it.”
With the way he described it, it was no surprise that everyone was horrified. The idea that they might soon become like the people around them, just mindless bodies lying on the floor, was genuinely terrifying. Peter felt his chest tighten, and his throat close, and his breathing became weaker. As soon as Strange had mentioned it, Peter felt the pressure of the infinity stone pressing on his mind, ever-present, trying to get in.
The world blurred, and he sat down, the hum of people talking falling into the background. He focused on controlling his breathing, trying to quell the panic he felt.
After a few minutes of sitting down, he was finally able to breathe normally, and he started paying attention to the people around him. Most people didn’t notice his little freak-out, as they were too busy worrying about their own impending doom.
But, one person did notice. Gamora walked over and sat next to him. He hadn’t really talked to her much before and was honestly a little intimidated by her. He stiffened a bit as she looked at him, and she gave him a warm smile. “Hey, are you alright?”
Peter nodded, knowing that his voice would probably betray that he was lying. She looked skeptical but didn’t press. “You know, I arrived here before everybody else. My father, Thanos, he killed me to get the soul stone, and I ended up here. I hate that he won.”
Peter was surprised when she said that Thanos was her father, but decided not to ask. She probably got enough crap for it from other people. He knew that she was trying to divert the conversation from him to make him feel comfortable, and he was grateful. He still didn’t want to talk, so she continued. “I keep thinking that if I just fought harder, I could have stopped this whole mess. I’m the reason that he won.”
Peter couldn’t help but feel immense sympathy for her. He knew where she was coming from and could relate to what she said. He also realized that she was very vulnerable right now. He didn’t know her well, but he knew that probably wasn’t normal for her.
“Uh, thanks for telling me that. I kinda get what you mean, but ill be the first to tell you that this isn’t your fault. All of us had chances to stop Thanos, and even with all of our forces combined, we couldn’t stop him. If you not being able to stop him means that you let him win, then you could say the same for all of us. We all had chances, but we failed. That’s on all of us, not just you.” Peter took a breath, only just realizing what he was saying. He cursed himself, realizing that he just gave her some completely unsolicited advice.
She smiled at him gratefully though, then ruffled his hair. “You’re a smart one. You know, I might even like you more than the other Peter.”
Hearing that, Peter Quill looked up, giving her an indignant look. “Hey! You prefer that kid over me?”
She actually laughed and slung an arm around Peter’s shoulders. He stiffened before forcing himself to relax. “Why, of course, this little squirt is clearly superior.”
Just then, Mantis chimed in, also saying, “I like the child Peter too!” After that, more people added comments about him, and Peter just laughed, looking at the older Peter’s face. “Cmon guys, you’re mean. Old Peter is nice too.”
That comment made his face go red, and he practically shouted, “I’m not old!”
Everyone burst out laughing, and Peter was glad that he could lighten the mood. That made things a bit easier, but pretty quickly after that, the somber mood had returned.
---
The memories Peter was getting from the soul world were weird. He never knew what to think after getting them. He didn’t know when they happened or if they were chronological. He didn’t even know if they were real memories.
But they felt real. Peters conversations with Shuri, hanging out with old Peter, everything. And, he knew details about them. From his memories, he knew that Shuri loved quoting vines, and Gamora was the daughter of Thanos.
The whole thing just boggled Peters’s mind. What made it even worse was that he didn’t have all his memories back. They were slowly coming back to him in pieces, like dreams. He briefly wondered why no one else was mentioning the soul world. Still, his dream (memory? vision?) told him that it was because most people were in comas throughout the duration of the snap.
He would have to be sure to find someone who WAS awake and ask them about it.
About a week passed since he came home with May, and he was anxious to visit Tony. There wasn’t much news from the doctors, but Pepper had invited him and May to come to the hospital.
As they walked up to the stark tower, Peter shivered with anxiety. He couldn’t help but go over all the things he was worried about in his mind. He was scared for Tony. He was scared to see how much things had changed. He was afraid to face Pepper.
Peter knew that the last fear was stupid, but he was still worried. He was scared to see her because she was Tony’s wife. He was afraid to see her because he knew she had a child with Tony. He was scared to see her because he knew she had her own family with Tony, that he knew he wasn’t a part of.
They stepped into the building and were immediately greeted by Happy. Peter was shocked when he lightly hugged Peter, smiling. “Hey, kid. Its been a while. I hate to admit it, but I missed you.”
Peter stood frozen for a solid five seconds, not believing what just happened. Deciding to try to keep the mood light, he broke out into a mischievous grin. “You won’t be saying that when you have to start driving me around again, Mr. Happy!”
Happy groaned, then ruffled his hair. “Yeah yeah, kid, don’t spoil it just yet. Anyways, Mrs. Potts told me to take you guys right up, so let’s go.”
Peter and May followed Happy to the private elevator, where they were taken up to the hospital wing. They stepped into the waiting room, and luckily it was relatively empty. Peter wasn’t up to dealing with strangers at the moment. The only people in the room were Pepper Potts, a teenaged boy, and a girl who looked around five sitting in his lap.
Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes were also in the corner, he assumed they were there for Captain America. He wanted to talk to them about his memories from the soul stone, but figured it wasn’t the right time.
Happy led them to Pepper and the two kids, and Pepper beamed at them and enveloped May in a warm hug. “Peter, May, hey. You should sit down, we need to catch up.”
Peter sat in one of the hard plastic chairs, next to the teenager and little girl. He shifted a little, feeling awkward that he didn’t know them. Peter figured that Pepper could tell he was uncomfortable because she sent him a smile and began introductions. “So, I guess you need to get introduced, right? Well, this is Harley Keener,” she said, referring to the teenager. “Tony had an encounter with him during the whole mandarin thing, and we took him in during the snap.”
“And this,” she said, picking up the little girl, “is Morgan. Morgan Stark. Our daughter.” She beamed, expecting him to be excited. Peter could tell that Pepper loved Morgan, as did pretty much everyone in the room. Happy, May, Pepper, and Harley were all looking at her with adoration. Peter felt something twist in his stomach but plastered on a smile.
“Wow, I finally get to meet mini Stark. Hey, Morgan.” Peter forced himself to look at her face and saw wide, chocolate-brown eyes that looked precisely like Tonys. Even though she was young, Peter could see the intelligence behind her eyes.
Again, he felt an odd twist in his stomach. Morgan turned away from hi shyly, curling into Pepper. “Come on now, Morgan, say hi!” Pepper tried to encourage her, but Peter could tell she was reluctant. Eventually, though, she mumbled out a tiny hello.
After the very awkward introduction with Morgan, Harley turned to Peter. “Anyways, not to be rude or anything, but who exactly are you? Why are you here to see Tony?”
Within a second, Peter went through at least ten different emotions. Anger flared through him, as well as guilt, regret, and something like bitter spite. Before he could say anything, Harley continued. “Like, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you or heard of you… But that might just be me.”
He turned to Pepper, and even though Peter was literally right next to him, he said, “Isn’t there supposed to be family only? Why the hell is he here?”
Pepper looked shocked, but only for a moment. “Harley, this is Peter. Tonys told you about him.”
Happy added in, “You know, Spider-man.”
Harley got a look of realization to his face. “Ohhhh. Wait, HE’S Spider-man?”
Everyone seemed to forget about his earlier comment, and Harley whipped back around to look at Peter. “So wait, YOU are Spider-man?”
Peter nodded, unsure of whether he was serious or not. Harley continued, though. “Damn. I can’t believe it’s you. Somehow, I thought you’d be… I don’t know, more buff? Dad’s told me a bunch of stuff about you. Oh! Like the ferry, damn. You seriously messed up, man.”
Peter recoiled, what Harley said spinning through his head. Did Tony tell stories about him? Also, DAD? Since when was this kid on dad-name-basis with Tony?
It didn’t help that Harley just had to bring up the ferry incident. And that he said everything with a slightly smug, disbelieving tone. As if he was saying, “I can’t believe how stupid you were.”
But even though Peter was left reeling from what Harley said, everyone else seemed to brush it off like it didn’t matter. Peter mumbled out something about needing the bathroom and got up to leave. He left the room, and no one even looked up.
He walked to the bathroom slowly, and as soon as he entered one and locked the door, he collapsed. All of a sudden, he felt panic grip him, and it felt like his knees gave out. He felt his throat close to the point where he could barely breathe and started to feel dizzy. His chest started to hurt, and it felt like someone was crushing his lungs.
Thoughts began to spiral through his head.
You don’t matter.
He replaced you.
You’re worthless.
All you do is mess up.
Peter couldn’t control it. The thoughts just popped up in his head. He tried to counter them, but he could barely breathe.
He lay there on the floor until he could actually breathe again. Peter realized it was a miracle that he didn’t pass out, because, at one point, he literally couldn’t breathe. When he finally calmed down enough to be able to think in coherent sentences, he felt another bout of panic rise in him.
What the hell was that? Nothing like that had ever happened to him (except in his ‘soul world’ memories, but he wasn’t sure if those were real), and it was really freaky.
He grabbed his phone and googled “feelings of panic, short breath, dizziness, chest pain.” He clicked search and froze at the words on the screen.
The very first result was “How To Tell if You’re Having a Panic Attack.”
No.
No way.
Peter didn’t get panic attacks.
Panic attacks were for people who had anxiety…
Peter shouldn’t get panic attacks. He couldn’t. Panic attacks happened to people who were… weak. Peter wasn’t weak. (AN: If you are someone who has panic attacks, I promise you are not weak. It’s a tough thing to deal with, and it is absolutely not your fault, nor does it make you weak. You are incredibly strong and brave, and I have the most profound respect for you.)
Peter clicked on the article, and read the list of symptoms for a panic attack. He mentally checked off each thing on the list with what he just experienced. Dizziness, shortness of breath, trembling, a racing heartbeat.
Slowly, the reality set in. He had just had a panic attack. Peter didn’t know what to think about that. Was he really that weak? He was always so happy, how could he have a panic attack?
Well, he hadn’t exactly been feeling happy lately. But still. Peter wasn’t, like, a mentally ill person. He thought back to the stuff he thought while he had the panic attack.
“You’re worthless.”
But Peter wasn’t worthless. He knew that. He wasn’t worthless, and he wasn’t replaced. He did matter.
Peter thought that over and over, trying to expel any negative thoughts from his mind.
So why did it feel like he was lying to himself?
---
Peter was in the bathroom for at least ten minutes. When he walked back into the waiting room, he expected May to ask him what took so long and had an excuse fully prepared. But he walked in and sat back down, and not a single person in the room looked up. May, Pepper, and Harley were engrossed in conversation, with Pepper holding on to a sleeping Morgan.
They were talking about Tony. Pepper was telling them a story about one of Tony’s crazy shenanigans, and they were all laughing together. Reminiscing.
The story was about after they had Morgan. Pepper was telling them about how Tony completely quit working in their lab for a month because he felt like he had to be with Morgan. He had bought tons of books and was always stressed about how he was raising her.
As Peter listened, he felt a hole grow in his chest. That wasn’t the Tony he knew. The Tony he knew would always be working, stressed out, and yet wholly confident. This Tony sounded unsure. This Tony seemed caring, fatherly.
Had he really changed that much? When -or if- Tony woke up, how different would he be? Would it be like May, where everything was awkward?
Peter could tell May was trying, but he could tell that he had changed. She had grown without him, and he didn’t know her like he used to. May found other people to be in her life, and because of that, there wasn’t much room for Peter. Would it really be like that with Tony?
Peter continued to watch the group. Morgan woke up and reached for May. May laughed and picked Morgan up, still chatting with Pepper and Harley.
This was her family. This was May’s family. It was also Tonys.
But it wasn’t his.