You Could Make a Case for That

There's a current trend to have Death be enamored of Tony. Of course all of the stories lie and say Tony died in Siberia instead of being petty about the shield. Tony is resurrected as the Merchant of Death. But think about it--Tony is now Death's paramour. That doesn't sound like much fun.

Note: Because Steve didn't try to kill Tony, Tony dies in Siberia from his own poor choices.

The smell was the worst. Eau de Corpse was about as unpleasant as it sounded. Tony was tired of smelling it on himself and his new girlfriend.

He could kick himself for his stupidity. He shouldn't have started playing with the computers in the bunker while he waited for Friday to fly out a new suit to him. One wrong line of code and the bunker exploded with him in it.

Tony was drifting into unconsciousness when he saw Her. He liked his women skinny, but this chick was literally skin and bones.

The woman had knelt beside him and lifted a long, bony hand to his face. He shivered--her hand was like ice. She'd said quietly, "Merchant of Death, now you are mine." Her smile made her face look like a skull.

Then she'd pulled Tony from the wreckage of his suit and body. When he stood, he was dressed in the suit from his demo of the Jericho, before Iron Man.

Since then, he'd been joined at the hip with Lady Death. Tony was bored out of his newly restored skull. All day, all night, they hopped around the universe to witness beings take their last breaths. He was seriously creeped out by the way Death wouldn't let him close the corpses' eyes. He wondered if his own corpse was staring out at the rubble of the bunker.

But that was better than the times Lady Death decided to "enjoy Tony's companionship." It was like cuddling with a tub of frozen yogurt.

Tony decided there had to be SOME advantage to his new undead life. After cuddles, he said, "How about we take a look at Team Cap? I'd like to see how soon I can attend their funerals."

Lady Death nodded and grabbed Tony's hand. The next second they were at what looked like a comfortable combination living room and dining room. Tony heard laughter and turned to see Team Cap in a large kitchen separated from the rest of the space by a breakfast bar.

Widow and Falcon were on the stools, while Cap and Vision--the traitor--were standing by the refrigerator. On the counter, a large pizza dough covered half in red sauce and half in white sat. Above it were a variety of toppings floating in the air, held up by a red mist.

Wanda was moving her fingers as the ingredients danced. She said, "Now what was it? Pineapple and sausage for Sam?"

Falcon put his arm out like he was protecting the pizza and said, "Keep your creepy pizza combinations away from my dinner, woman."

Widow said, "I'm rethinking Vision's suggestion of garlic breadstick borders for our slices."

The sense of warmth and family made something in Tony twinge. He turned away from the scene and said to Death, "Kill them all."

Lady Death lifted an eyebrow. She said, "I cannot claim any mortal on a whim. Life holds greater power than Death. I witness life's passing and grasp what souls I would have for my own. Like yours."

She turned to look at the group and said, "I can tell you when Life will pass for two of them. But two I cannot."

Tony looked over and asked, "Which two?"

Death nodded and said, "The construct is part flesh but part other. He is outside my realm."

Tony asked, "And who's the other one--the witch?"

Death shook her head and said, "No, that one will live longer than most of her kind, but her end will come."

She pointed at Cap. Tony should have guessed it. He groaned and said, "Why don't you know when he'll die?"

Death said, "His life will take some interesting turns. Most interesting."

Tony never could get Death to give him more details. But he figured it out when they took a non-business-related trip to Asgard. The Asgardians all glowed in a way that was different from the folks from Earth. Cap looked radiant as he smiled at Thor during the bonding ceremony, but he actually started to glow with the first bite of a golden apple.

It was all disgustingly beautiful and happy.

As Tony was tugged along to the next death for Death to oversee, he couldn't stop thinking about how it was Life who had claimed Cap.