The first time Bucky asked if you’re okay you’re standing outside on the balcony holding a half empty glass of champagne. If you concentrate hard enough you swear you can almost hear the faint notes of music and the tinkling laughter of happy party goers over the sound of horns honking and people shouting below. The sounds are not so gentle reminders that you should be inside mingling and laughing with the rest of the guests instead of standing outside by yourself.
You tried, you really did. You spent an hour inside dancing with Natasha and Wanda and Steve and Sam and Bucky. But there were too many people in there, too much noise. It was a struggle to paste on a smile and pretend that everything was okay. It was fucking exhausting. So when you were sure everybody was busy you had snuck out to the balcony for some peace and fresh air. You had been so sure that a couple minutes by yourself in the chilly air would clear your head and you’d be better. It hadn’t worked like that though. The longer you stayed outside the more guilt you feel gnawing at your insides and you weren't sure why you felt guilty.
“Was wonderin’ where you disappeared to, doll.”
Sighing, you turned around, pasting a smile on your face as you see your boyfriend Bucky walking towards you. Your heart skipped a beat as your eyes take him in. He looked so fucking handsome in that suit it's easy for you to push the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and pretend you’re okay.
Placing your glass of champagne down on the ledge you walked towards him, meeting him in the middle of the balcony.
“Hi,” you breathed, your arms looping around his neck as you pulled him close to you. He was warm and he smelled so good. Being this close to him felt like being home and you wanted nothing more to stay wrapped in his arms for the rest of the night.
“How long you been out here? You’re freezing, Y/N,” he chided, his large hands running up and down your goosebump covered arms.
His touch was electric against your bare arms and it wasn’t until he touched you that you realized you probably should have brought a sweater or a jacket out with you. All you had on was a sleeveless floor length dark green dress. It had been fine when you were inside, but outside it was hardly weather appropriate.
“Not that long. Maybe ten minutes?” You lied, hating yourself for how easy it rolled off your tongue.
Bucky didn’t say anything as he removed his suit jacket and helped you into it. It was too big, the sleeves too long, but it smelled like him and it was warm and you weren’t going to complain.
“Better?” He asked, his lips brushing against your cheek and forehead before ghosting over your own.
“Much,” you whispered against his lips tasting the champagne you both had.
His large hands rested on your hips, his blue grey eyes twinkling as they traveled down your body. “Have I told you tonight how beautiful you look, sweetheart?”
Your teeth tugged at your lower lip and it was moments like this that you thought about confiding in him. He was so sweet, so gentle with you and you wanted nothing more than to tell him what was going on with you, but the words wouldn’t come. They were stuck in the back of your throat. Instead you threaded your fingers through the soft dark locks that rested at the back of his neck humming. “Mmm you may have mentioned it once or twice tonight, but I’m not opposed to hearing it again,” you teased.
Maybe you should have been concerned about how easy the lies were spilling from your lips, but you weren’t. Not right now.
“Oh, I plan on telling you all night how beautiful you look,” he murmured, his lips moving to press a soft kiss against the crook of your neck. His grip on your hips tightened when he heard you gasp.
“Bucky,” you giggled, “Stop we’re gonna caught.”
“I don’t care.”
“Bucky...”
“Fine.”
Silence fell, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It never was with him and you loved how you two could be content with it.
“You never told me what you were doing out here,” he murmured, breaking the silence.
Your body stiffened and you prayed he wouldn’t say anything about it. He noticed it, of course he did. He was a trained ex assassin who was an expert at reading people.
“I needed a breather. There were a lot of people in there and I just... felt a little overwhelmed I guess,” you admitted, with a shrug of your shoulders. It wasn’t a total lie. You were feeling overwhelmed, but you left out the part about how you were also feeling... off and you didn’t want to ruin his night by telling him that.
“Why didn’t you come and get me? We could have left, doll.”
You felt another wave of guilt crash over you. It was an unspoken rule between the you that when either of you were feeling overwhelmed by crowds or situations you would tell each other and you’d leave - no questions asked. You didn’t have a good reason for not telling him.
Shrugging your shoulders you pressed your body closer to his, your head resting on his chest.
“I don’t know,” you sighed. “You were having fun and I liked seeing you laughing and smiling and I figured if I left for some air and came back I’d be okay.”
“Are you okay, Y/N?” He asked softly.
“I’m okay,” you lied as you lifted your head up from his chest to look him in the eyes. You saw concern reflected back at you and once again you felt so guilty. Sealing your words with a gentle kiss to his lips you sighed in content when you felt him kiss you back.
The second time Bucky asked if you’re okay you’re wandering aimlessly through a crowded bookstore. The musty smell of old books fills your nostrils as you inhale. It’s a strange smell, but one that you find familiar and relaxing. Your fingertips dance over the spines of colorful books as you wander up and down the aisles. You aren’t sure where Bucky wandered off to, but you’re not too worried. You’ll find each other again, you’re sure of that.
The tinkle of the bell over the door rings out into the store as you glanced up. The girl who enters looks happy, she’s laughing and smiling with her friend and for some reason you can’t take your eyes off of them. Maybe because they both look so happy and you miss that feeling. It’s not that you’re not happy because you are. For the most part. It’s just lately you’ve been feeling... off. And you aren’t sure why and you aren’t sure how to fix it. And it’s frustrating and you know that you should open up to someone, but you can’t.
Sighing in frustration you tear your gaze away from the girls. The last thing you need is them catching you staring and thinking you’re some creepy weirdo. Just the thought has heat flooding your cheeks. Turning around you collide into a hard chest.
“Oof sorry!” You apologized, before realizing it’s Bucky.
“You okay?” He asked, grabbing hold of your upper arms to steady you.
“Yeah, sorry I just uh got a little distracted I guess,” you murmured, getting lost in his eyes.
Bucky lets go of your arms, glancing down to your empty hands he frowns. It’s not like you to walk into a bookstore and not leave without at least five books. You guys had been in here close to an hour and as his eyes wander around looking for a stack sitting close by his frown only deepens.
“Where are your books?”
Shit. You should have grabbed a couple. Even one book would have worked. Why hadn’t you thought this through better? You never left a bookstore without getting something. Your eyes darted past Bucky and for a second you thought about grabbing a book, any book, but you didn’t want to lie him. Even though that’s exactly what you had been doing for how many weeks?
“Oh, uh I didn’t find anything,” you replied with a shrug of your shoulders like it was normal.
“Seriously? You always find something, Y/N.”
“Not this time.”
The two of you are silent, staring each other down. You think he knows you’re lying, but you’ve always had trouble reading him. The longer the silence drags on the more anxious you become. Your weight shifts from foot to foot, your teeth pull on your lower lip, you can feel your palms start to sweat and you’re just waiting for him to bring it up, for him to ask what’s wrong. He doesn’t and you’re feeling surprised and relieved, but also guilty. Why is it so hard to talk to him about this? A couple more minutes stretch by with neither of you saying anything and you can’t take it anymore.
“Did you find anything?” You asked, your voice soft as you break the silence.
“Nah.”
A couple more minutes of silence stretches on.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just a little bummed that I couldn’t find anything.” It’s only half a lie this time.
The third time Bucky asked if you’re okay you’re standing in the kitchen wearing only his shirt and a pair of underwear, a forgotten cup of cold tea on the counter next to the sink. You’re watching lightning light up the sky in quick bursts as thunder rattles the windows and the rain comes pouring down. You’re not sure what time it is or how long you’ve been standing by the window watching it storm. You know you should be back in bed laying next to Bucky’s warm body, but you hadn’t been able to sleep. It was becoming a bit of a problem for you lately.
“Sweetheart, it’s two in the mornin’ what are you doin’ out here?” Bucky grumbled, nuzzling his head in the crook of your neck. His voice is low and scratchy and it’s ridiculous given the circumstances, but you find yourself arching into his touch as his arms wrap around your waist, his hands dipping underneath the tee shirt you’re wearing to glide over your stomach.
“I-I... couldn’t sleep,” you gasped, struggling to get the words out. He’s barely touched you and you’re already a mess.
“Yeah?” His lips dip to the crook of your neck pressing open mouthed kisses against your skin. “I didn’t tire you out enough earlier?”
Your eyes flutter shut at his words as memories of what had taken place hours earlier flood your mind. Everything had been rough and fast, hands moving against one another, nails raking down backs and necks, fingers digging bruises into hips. Hot, needy kisses full of tongue and teeth clashing together. Sweaty bodies moving together as one. His heavy breaths mixing with your gasps and whines and moans leaving each of you a mess by the end.
“Well?” His teeth graze against the skin of your neck and you whine, arching your back. Clad only in his boxers you can feel him pressing against you. God, after what he had done to you earlier you should have been exhausted, yet here you were standing in your kitchen half naked and ready for another round. Maybe, just maybe another round is exactly what you need to help you get to sleep, to help you clear your mind, to help you feel more like you.
The windows rattle with the loud clap of thunder and you jump taking Bucky by surprise as his arms tighten around you and his teeth sink into your neck. You let out a quiet whimper. Partly from the thunder catching you off guard and pulling you from your thoughts and partly because fuck that kind of hurt.
“Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you, Y/N,” Bucky mumbled and you’re not sure if he’s referring to you being startled from the thunder or from his teeth sinking into your neck. You realize it’s the latter when you feel his tongue swiping against your skin before he peppers light kisses against you. Your head tilts to the side granting him more access and for the moment you don’t care about the bruise you know will be there.
You’re more prepared when the next clap of thunder hits. Instead of jumping your body flinches and much like before Bucky’s hold on you tightens. His hands slip out from underneath your shirt and before you can ask him what he’s doing he’s leading you to the living room, over to the couch where he sits down, pulling your body with him so you’re left straddling his hips. Your hands go to his shoulders, your fingers toying with the hair at the back of his neck as you glance down at him curiously.
“The storm sounds like it’s getting worse. You shouldn’t have been standin’ so close to the window, doll,” he murmured, his hands sliding once again to your hips.
“I was about to go back to bed, but somebody got up and distracted me.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault, sweetheart?”
“Mhm.”
“Didn’t hear you complain’ earlier.”
“It’s hard to complain when someone is pretending they’re a vampire and they have their teeth in your neck.”
“Again, didn’t hear you complain’ about that. In fact I think you kinda liked it, Y/N.” His voice is low, a wolffish grin on his face and you can feel heat flooding your cheeks as you squirm on his lap. Okay, maybe you did kind of enjoy it, but you’re not going to give him the satisfaction of admitting to it out loud. “That’s what I thought.” Comes his reply when you don’t say anything.
“Yeah... well... I’m not the only one who enjoyed it,” you shot back, hating the way your voice sounds so stuttered.
Bucky chuckled earning him a small smile from you.
“Can you blame me? I get up and see you standing in the kitchen in nothin’, but my shirt. Jesus, doll you have no idea how good you looked. No idea what you do to me.”
“Oh, I think I have some idea.” Your words are punctuated by a roll of your hips against him. The delicious moan you’re able to pull from his plump lips makes the not being able to sleep a little more bearable. You can feel his hands gripping tighter onto your hips and much like your neck you know you’ll be bruised later, but you don’t care.
Leaning down you press a gentle kiss to his lips, pulling away you smile as you feel Bucky’s hand tangling in your hair, bringing your lips back to his. You can hear him murmur I love you in between kisses, his voice soft and not quite as scratchy as it was earlier in the kitchen. Allowing yourself to get lost in the taste of him and the motion of the soft, lazy movement of your lips against each other you wish for a moment it could always be like this. That you would be able to always feel so peaceful and comfortable wrapped in his arms as if nothing bad could ever touch you. But, like most good things in your life the feeling doesn’t last and as the storm rages on outside and inside your head you pull your lips away slowly, resting you forehead against his, your warm breath mingles and you let out a quiet sigh.
“You never told me why you got up.”
“The thunder woke me up and when I saw you were gone I got worried and went lookin’ for you when you didn’t come back after a couple minutes.”
You nod your head unsure what to say. You’re relieved you hadn’t woken him up when you left. The floorboards closest to your side of the bed squeak and ever since you started getting up in the middle of the night you’ve been terrified you’re going to wake him and you’ll have to explain yourself. Deep down you know it’s not a big deal. Bucky has his own problems sleeping at times and if anyone would understand it’d be him. But it’s not just about the sleep for you. It’s all these little pieces that add up to a bigger puzzle and no matter how much you want to tell him you can’t. Not yet.
“Are you okay, Y/N?” Bucky asked, a sigh falling from his perfect lips. He’s not dumb and he knows there’s something going on with you, but he chalks it up to the early morning and the storm leaving you rattled.
“I’m okay,” you lie and each time you do it kills you a little bit more inside, but you don’t stop. “Just tired. Come on let’s go back to bed.”
The fourth time Bucky asked if you’re okay you’re sitting in a booth in the back of a retro themed ice cream parlor. He had surprised you after work by picking you up, the smile on his face when he caught your eye making you forget how rough the past few days had been for you. He and Steve had been on a mission and you hadn’t been expecting him back for a couple more days.
“Enjoy your dessert,” the waitress said, placing your treats down in front of you. Her words are directed at Bucky and she stares at him for a beat too long before leaving. He doesn’t notice though, his blue grey eyes focused so intently on you you’re worried he’s going to ask about the dark circles under your eyes. You know he knows you haven’t been sleeping, but it’s still not a conversation you’re wanting to delve into.
“Hey!” You yelled as Bucky takes his spoon dipping it into the whip cream and hot fudge that cover your sundae.
“Wha? You snooze you lose,” he stated, his mouth full.
It’s such a childish retort, but it has you cracking a small smile and it feels so good. You can’t remember the last time you smiled and meant it. Sure, you’ve been spending the past few weeks smiling, but they had been fake, for show. It was easy to do it, easy to convince everyone around you that you were okay.
So easy in fact sometimes you even had yourself convinced.
“I missed you,” you sighed, your voice soft and it’s so stupid, but you find yourself avoiding his gaze for a minute. You’re not embarrassed by your declaration, it’s not as if it’s the first time you’ve told him that. But for some reason you’re feeling shy... feeling off. It’s a feeling you should be used to by now, but you’re not. It would be so easy for you to open your mouth and spill everything to him right now, but you can’t and you hate yourself for that. You feel like a ticking time bomb as you wait for him to ask what’s wrong, ask how you’ve been sleeping, ask how you’ve been, but he doesn’t and you don’t know if you’re relieved or frustrated.
“I missed you too, doll,” he replied, voice as soft as yours. His blue grey eyes lingered on you, he can see the bags that hang heavy under your eyes and he knows you’re not sleeping again. He wants to say something, wants to slide into the seat next to you and wrap his arms around you. Wants to take you back home and curl up with you, holding you until you fall asleep. He wants to demand you tell him what’s going on.
Bucky Barnes isn’t oblivious, he knows when there’s something wrong, especially when it involves someone he loves. It started out like most things do he thought. It was little things at first. Such as you spending more time by yourself during get togethers to you not sleeping to you being quieter than usual. It broke his heart when you don’t talk to him, but he doesn’t push you, he knows better than most that you’ll talk when you’re ready, but he’d be lying if he said it doesn’t hurt. He wants to reach inside you and take all your sadness and pain and carry it on his shoulders.
“Ready?” He’s the first to break the silence that had settled over you.. The ice cream is finished, the bill paid, a tip left on the table. You nod your head yes as you slide out of the booth waiting for him. Once he’s out your hand automatically reaches for his flesh one and you intertwine your fingers and head outside.
It’s a beautiful summer night, the sky that perfect mix of dark oranges and golden yellows and you sighed as you leaned into Bucky. The pace the two of you set is slow and easy and you think you’d be more than happy to spend the rest of the night like this.
The silence stretches on, but it’s not uncomfortable and you wonder what he’s thinking as you glance over to look at him. He senses you staring because he turns his head to look at you, a soft smile gracing his face as he pressed a quick kiss to your temple.
“You’ve been quiet tonight. Something on your mind?” It's not an accusation, but a statement and you know this is it, an opportunity to speak up and let him in. Now or never.
“Hm? No. Works just been... stressful and I guess it’s been taking a toll on me,” you said with a shrug of your shoulders as you near your apartment.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No. It’s nothing. It’s boring and this is the first time I’ve seen you in weeks and honestly the last l thing I wanna think or talk about is work.” There, not a total lie this time, but you still feel guilty.
Once at your apartment Bucky stops and turns to you. You can feel your heart racing beneath your chest and this is it you think, he’s finally going to demand you talk to him. Instead of saying anything he untangles your hands as he reaches up to cup your face. Concern is reflected back in his eyes and you feel so fucking guilty, but it doesn’t stop you from pushing those feelings down. Now isn’t the right time to talk about it anyways you tell yourself.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?”
“I’m okay, Bucky. I promise.” The lie rolls off your tongue too easily and all you think about is how you don’t deserve him.
The fifth time Bucky asked if you’re okay you’re curled up in his bed, the sheets and blankets pulled up tight to your chin. You can faintly hear voices through the bedroom door though you can’t discern who they belong to. You want to push the covers up, to get up, to open the door and convince Bucky and whoever else is on the other side that you’re okay, really, you’re just tired, just having a bad day, but you can’t. You’ve been laying in bed for hours and with each passing minute Bucky has grown more and more worried and you don’t blame him. There’s been nothing he could do to coax you out.
At the sound of the door creaking open you take a shaky breath. Footsteps move across the floor and as the bed dips with the weight of a new body you know it’s Bucky right away. He doesn’t say anything, but you can hear him breathing next to you. Wiping away the tears that had fallen down your cheeks you roll over so you’re facing him. The look on his face breaks your heart. He’s wearing a frown, his eyes cloudy with concern. Because of you. Because you didn’t open up to him sooner. Because you’ve been laying in his bed refusing to say more than a couple words at a time. God, you’re a horrible person. A horrible girlfriend. The guilt is eating you alive and you don’t know what to do.
“I’m s-sorry,” you choked out. The tears fall faster down your cheeks and there’s so much more that you want to say, but the words won’t come.
Bucky doesn’t say anything as he takes in your puffy, tear stained eyes and messy hair. His heart is breaking as you try to apologize and for a moment he’s confused about why you’re apologizing. Opening up his arms he relaxes slightly when he feels you move in, your head resting on his chest, your fingers curling around his tee shirt as his hands move to rub soft circles on your back.
“It’s okay, shhh, I’ve got you, you’re okay,” he murmured, his voice soft and soothing as he kisses the top of your head.
Focusing on the sound of Bucky’s voice anchoring you and the feeling of him rubbing your back you let everything out. All the tears and guilt and fear and worry and anxiety and depression and emptiness. Everything you’ve been keeping inside of you for too long.
You aren’t sure how long you lay curled up against him crying, but slowly your tears start to lessen until all that’s left of you is a sniffling mess.
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
And there it is. One word. Two letters. But god does it feel good to say. Finally! After weeks of lying the truth is out there. You’re not cured, far from it. You still feel like shit, but fuck does it feel good to be honest with him. Why had you waited so long? You’re finding it difficult to look at him so you close your eyes, breathing deeply as you focus on the steady and calming sound of his heart beating.
“You up to talking about it?” He whispered. He’s being so gentle and sweet and you feel like you don’t deserve him.
“I don’t even know where to start,” you mumbled. It’s an excuse, a poor one, but after not talking about it for so long it feels strange to start now.
Taking a deep breath you open your eyes though you still don’t look at him.
“I don’t know what happened. I thought I was doing okay. A-and then I had a bad day, but I didn’t think anything of it b-because everyone has bad days. But then... I don’t know. Things just stared to spiral and I wanted to tell you, but... I couldn’t because I-I didn’t want to burden you,” you rambled, choking as the tears you thought you were done crying stream down your face. “And it’s stupid and I should have been honest with you and I’m sorry.”
Bucky frowned, confusion crossing his features as he listened to you talk. “Y/N,” he sighed with a shake of his head. “Why would you ever think you’d be a burden?”
“I don’t know.”
“Y/N.”
“What?”
“Talk to me. Please.”
And it’s the sound of his voice, broken and needy and... hurt that makes you understand that by keeping everything inside you weren’t only hurting yourself, but Bucky too and that was the last thing you had ever wanted to do.
“B-because you have enough stuff to worry about and I... I didn’t want to add to that,” you muttered, wiping away the tears.
“Listen to me. You could never be a burden, Y/N.” His voice is low, commanding and though you don’t want to you find yourself looking up at him, a few tears still falling. Bucky cupped your cheek, wiping your tears away with his thumb. “We all have bad days, doll, but I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”
He’s right. You know he’s right.
Letting people in has been a struggle for both of you. A couple months after you had started dating you had your first serious fight over him not letting you in. He’d come back from missions or have a bad day and instead of talking to you he’d push you away. You had tried to understand given all he had been through, but it had still hurt. A fight had blown out between you, your first major fight as a couple and it has been awful, but you had worked through it with Bucky agreeing to try and open up to you more.
It hadn’t happened overnight. In fact it took a couple months before he finally started to feel comfortable letting you in, but once he did your relationship grew stronger.
Until of course the roles were reversed and you were the one shutting him out.
“But... what if you can’t help me?” You mumbled, averting your gaze. “Sometimes.... sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong and if I don’t know how to fix it how can I expect someone else to?”
Bucky doesn’t say anything for a couple of minutes. He knows what you’re going through, knows what’s it like when there’s something wrong, but you don’t know how to fix it. Knows what it’s like when you’re worried about being a burden. He wished he had a better answer to your question, wished he knew how to fix this for you. But he doesn’t and he can’t so he simply pulls your body closer to his, holding you tighter as he pressed soft kisses to the top of your head and murmured over and over that he loves you.
It’s not enough to fill or fix the emptiness and sadness inside of you. Not even close. But you do feel better having opened up to him and you do feel a little better being wrapped in his arms. You’re not going to get cured overnight, you know that, but for now, laying next to Bucky Barnes and having him understand is a start.
“I’m always going to be here for you, doll. I may not be able to fix it, but I’ll always be here,” he promised.
You don’t say anything, there’s nothing you can say and though you barely talked today you’re exhausted. You pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek and whisper a soft thank you as you lay your head back down on his chest.