I'm not OK
"Depression, (noun) feelings of severe despondency and dejection."
However, what the dictionary fails to mention is that depression can shape or break someone's life. It influences your motivation, your energy, your happiness. It can be feeling everything but nothing at the same time.
It can be the constant feeling of sadness, but is is also hidden in happiness.
It is when you lie awake, feeling numb at 2am but laughing with your friends at 2pm. It's not eating because you just cant be bothered but it is over-eating because of the emptiness you feel inside.
"Anxiety, (noun) anxious feeling or state."
Anxiety, like depression changes one's life. Anxiety is when you have a paper in class that you want to crumple up, but you fear that the crumpling noise will draw attention to yourself and that is the last thing you want. It is when you get up to throw the paper away, but are anxious that everyone will stare at you. Once you get up, you are scared that you'll trip and fall, resulting in people to look or laugh at you. And on, and on, the spiral of "what if's" continues.
Having both, is a nightmare.
Peter Parker. A young college-student with his whole life ahead of him. Yet to him, he wishes it would end. He sits on bed, numb, empty and thinking about his day. A phone clutched in one hand and in the other, a piece if paper. He wants to get up, go patrol but he just cant. His limbs wont function. And the guilt eats him alive.
He thinks about the people he could be helping if he patrolled, but then his thoughts change into the people he couldn't save on patrol. This leads to him thinking about whether he is actually helping save people. He fears he wont. So he lies on his bed, in the dark of the night and thinks.
He thinks about the people he encountered and the he words exchanged throughout the day. He thinks about Jonah Jameson and MJ and Ned and Gwen and Harry and Aunt May and, and, and.
However, his thoughts halt and make an abrupt turn. Soon enough, Peter is pondering about the words he regrets saying and the people he did not want to see. He thinks about how he didn't get enough pictures for enough money to pay his rent and taxes and tuition. And he hates himself for it. He thinks about how he is afraid of losing his best friends but how he just doesn't have the energy or motivation to see them. He thinks about how he could've saved Gwen and Harry and Aunt May. How he could've saved that little girl from the fire, but he was just too far away.
He hates himself for it.
He has thought about ending his life before. But his anxiety would take control of his mind and the what-if's would reappear. So he decided to end it in a way that could not be traced back to his own hand.
Peter brings the paper up to face to read the number again. After searching the deep, dark web for what felt like years, he finally found the number of the solution to his problem.
He sat up straight and dialed the number.