Bucky fiddles with his jacket for the nth time. He looks at himself in the mirror, it was still him but different. Shorter hair, now styled with gel, she likes it. Having no beard makes him feel naked, the 2-3-day old stubble doesn’t hide his insecurities. But she says he looks handsome no matter what.
“Bucky”, she calls him from bathroom
He silently makes his way over, stops when he looks at her bare back, dress hangs loosely over her shoulders. She is fiddling with her earrings.
“Can you zip me up, please?” She asks the moment their eyes lock in the mirror
He nods.
She shivers at his cold touch. Her eyebrows knit together when she realizes it’s his flesh arm and not the other one.
Bucky notices, her reaction waiting for her to say something but she decides to let it slide, “Do I look ok?” She asks
“You look beautiful” he assures
“You don’t think it’s too much?” She probes
“No, it’s perfect. Just like you” he praises
Some part of him feels better seeing her revelling at his words. But another part of him hates it, the part of him that’s telling him to stop playing with her emotions and with his own.
The one that’s been nervous to go to the party he is headed for.
The one that he rarely let’s out nowadays.
The one actually looking forward for him to go to this party and finally get to see you.
‘How long has it been?’
‘More than eight weeks’, the same part reminds him.
‘Two months, 3 days, 14 hours…’
‘Not if you count the brief phone call couple of weeks back’.
God Bucky was such an asshole to you!
Sure the timing was odd and the way you asked, no begged him to come and visit assuring that you just wanted to talk to him felt weird, but at the time the so called “rational” part of him felt proud that he reprimanded you standing his ground by saying no to you.
But he didn’t feel better after that, he continuously thought of you after that, even though he watched movie with her, his now girlfriend.
Made love no tried to make love to her and although she reached her release because of him, he had to think of his rushed, encounter with you at the midnight on the rooftop to achieve his peak.
‘okay stop’, other part the more rational part yells at him…
It’s like he has an angel and a demon sitting on his shoulders.
But he can’t tell who is eviller, the angel or the demon.
The angel part tells him, what he did was right, what he is doing is right, for both of you.
The demon part smirks at him? Which both? Him and her or him and you?
‘Stop it’, angel part warns.
What he did, what he said was the right thing. This love between the two of you is toxic!
It’s not good for him, for you.
To see you ready to be blown along with him, because you couldn’t get him out in time, that’s not love.
That’s obsession, it’s not healthy.
But what’s love if you are not ready to die for it? Isn’t that’s what those love stories say.
No no no.
He can’t do this. He can’t go back to these thoughts, not when he is about to see you in few minutes. Not when he is standing with another woman in his bathroom, getting ready to go. Meet his friends, officially be introduced as his girlfriend.
He needs to do this; he needs to set it right. He needs this time, for himself, to discover himself away from everyone, his friends, his team, his family, you.
She is perfect, she is beautiful, sane, grounded, wonderful, knows everything, still accepts him, dare he say loves him.
But so, do you.
He knows love when he sees it.
And that’s not what he feels for her. Or he does but it’s not the same kind.
God! This is so confusing, so Messy.
Why? Why life was so difficult. Which deity did he displease in his past life that his sufferings never end?
No. No, what he is doing is right. It’s right for him, it’s best for him. The woman in front of him is the best thing that can happen to him. She is the blessing, she is the one who has been there for him for past two years, she is “perfect”.
Then why does he keep on thinking about you? Every damn second of the day. Why does he fight himself from running towards the tower where he knows you are waiting, waiting for him.
To be his.
‘Because love is not perfect’, the demon whispers.
‘It is this messy, this consuming, this painful, yet exhilarating, freeing’.
Why does he close his eyes and thinks about you when he is being intimate with the perfect woman in front of him.
Why does he, keeps on thinking about you when he is alone, he just has to close his eyes and he can remember every single detail of your body perfectly. The marks on your body left from missions, or the ones he left himself. When he accidentally held you harder while having nightmares. Or the happy ones when he bit your thighs while going down on you when you snuck into the empty office before the meetings.
‘No no no’, he can’t think about this. The angel screams.
“Bucky” she tapes his shoulder
“Huh” Bucky looks at her
“Did, you get lost in your head again?” She observes mildly
“Yeah, no, I just” Bucky shook his head
“It’s going to be alright Bucky” she assures
God this woman had patience of a saint.
“Of course, it is” Bucky says “Everything is perfect, they’re going to love you, they already know you, nothing has changed, and it’s just Stevie’s birthday nothing big” he reassures her or himself he doesn’t know.
She gives him wary smile, but says nothing further.
“You look beautiful sweetheart” Bucky says once more and kisses her cheek.
It feels more formal, he still isn’t comfortable with her. They have kissed, made love for God sake but every time he tries to be free, something in him holds back.
Is it because he doesn’t want to get hurt again or he feels guilty because it’s not you, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t dwell on it either.
The closer they come to the tower, his anxiety skyrockets.
The demon is thudding against his ribcage, trying to be free. Trying to run away and latch itself to you, like a child latches itself to its mother’s leg after being separated.
‘Ugh, he is pathetic’, Bucky thinks & angel and demon nod in agreement.
It’s the usual hustle bustle, typical Stark party thrown for America’s Golden Boy. People everywhere, who’s who from every part of industry is here.
Grrr, Bucky hates this already, but what can he do? He can’t turn his back away to his oldest and his only living family member because he is anxious and has love problems.
‘Classic Bucky, always has a problem with dames’, he hears Steve’s mocking in his head.
Seriously, what a pathetic friend Bucky has been to Steve. Moving out of tower, not answering his calls, texts, meeting him when his girlfriend is with him.
Poor Steve, deserves better than this. They’re Avengers, have bigger problems than Bucky’s love life. He sinks deeper into his self-deprecating rabbit hole.
Steve also has issues and no-one to understand than Bucky and all Bucky does is self-wallowing.
He spots Steve quickly, always surrounded by people nowadays, it’s a good picture especially when back in the day Bucky had to try so hard to find company for Steve and try even harder to keep it as little punk always found trouble.
He walks up to his best friend without a word and hugs him tight. Not caring people’s gaze or judgement.
“Whoa” Steve breaths “hey there buddy”
“Happy Birthday Stevie” Bucky whispers tightening his hold.
“Thank you, jerk” Steve pat his back
“You welcome, punk” Bucky retorted with no heat behind the name calling
Steve looked over his shoulder towards her, concealing his mild discomfort very well.
It was a package deal he guessed, wherever Bucky went she went.
“Happy Birthday” she wishes Steve shaking his hand “thanks for inviting me"
“Of course,” “you are our friend too, not just Bucky’s” Steve says to her
He hands each of them champagne flutes, Bucky could see teasing defiant glint in his best friend’s eye which challenges to be corrected, and little disappointment on her face at being addressed as his friend not “girlfriend”. He could see his friends were still not warmed up to the idea.
Steve clicks glass with Bucky, “This is just for show, real stuff at the bar available on request only” winking
Bucky just snorts, coming out of his thoughts.
His gaze fleeting around, looking over at the guests. Steve sees but before he could say anything Bucky spots you, laughing with Natasha and Wanda.
The demon and angel sigh, for once have the same reaction to something rather someone.
In dim lighting you are “glowing” as if you have some fire within which is bringing out a warmth.
“Wow” angel exclaims “Not seeing you does benefit her"
Bucky’s heart clench at the observation.
"Isn’t that’s what you want?” Demon asks
Bucky thinks, demon feels it serves him and angel right for pushing you away. Although he knows demon will do something to change it very soon, yet he can’t help but stare at you.
The glow is not a wildfire that burns everything down, that resonates passion!
It’s a calm burning wood fire, like the one he remembers when his Ma used to take him to the bakery to buy bread, or standing next to the stove to get that extra comfort on cold winter mornings.
The one tells you that you are home, safe! That everything will always be alright.
Before he could tear his gaze away, someone approaches you.
‘A man’, Angel remarks, demon snarls.
The man puts a hand over your shoulder casually and offers sip of a fruity drink from their glass.
You smile gratefully and take long sip. Then whisper something, a thank you maybe. Person just smiles at you and rubs your back gently.
Since when do enjoy, let alone drink fruity cocktails? Bucky thinks?
You were a scotch girl. You liked it neat. Hell, you were the only one after Steve and him who could handle Thor’s famous Asgardian mead. His gaze again flickers to the group.
Nat says something and Wanda agrees, you just roll your eyes and blush. The person next to agrees too and you poke him playfully. Bucky’s hand wraps around his beer bottle dangerously that sound of a crack brings him out of his thoughts.
This man next to you is nothing special. He looks so ordinary, like he has no business being here, being next to you. Still he is there, next to you like he belongs at your side.
Like he deserves to bask in your warmth.
And you!
“You” are readily giving it to him. Holding on to him, daresay Bucky, you are clinging to this man, as if you need his ordinary existence to survive.
You! You don’t cling. You don’t need support. You don’t need him!
‘Which him?’ Angel asks
Demon snorts, growling!
Bucky just can’t take it anymore; he must do something.
Before he makes a move, someone touches his forearm. He is about to brush away but he looks up, her.
‘shit’ Bucky curses inwardly. How must he be looking staring at you without care in the world. Did she caught him looking at you?
Could she feel his turmoil, could she see storm in his eyes?
Of course, she could, she can see everything, feel everything knows everything.
‘You are an asshole’ demon points out
Angel just groans
He meets her eyes, half ashamed to be caught. But she is smiling at him gently, wait she didn’t see him looking at you? Her eyes are a different story than her face, there’s pleading as if imploring him not to embarrass himself and her of course. Not to backtrack on his promise, not to crack the trust. He hates himself more for putting her in a place where she is still questioning her place in his life.
Before he could say or do anything, his gaze lands on you one more time and this time he finds you staring at him already. The glow is dimmed, there is sadness in your eyes, the look on your face is that of loss.
Loss of something precious, loss of Love.
You take sharp breathe in as if to control yourself from crying but a tiny sob betrays you, and your eyes glister. Everyone around you notice change in you and follow your gaze. They all look at Bucky and her, even if they notice they decide not to acknowledge.
The women are literally throwing daggers at him with their sharp looks. He knows and fears that Wanda can actually hurt him, but her dark eyes just show tinge of wrath before it turns back to normal same with the fiery redhead. The man next to all is little clueless but within seconds recognition runs in his eyes and his hold on you tightens.
They all just turn and drag you to dancefloor.
“Bucky”, she calls as runs her hand over his forearms, voice little unsure, after witnessing the exchange.
Before she could say anything or offer any words, Bucky smiles at her shaking his head.
Takes her hand and guides her to the dance floor. He promised her good time, he is going to be the best boyfriend and ‘play’ his part.
She wants to protest, but within seconds her resolve weavers and they’re dancing on the peppy number playing.
He can see the group. He makes sure they’re in his line of vision.
None of you are doing any serious dancing, instead the other three are doing funny expressions and little shenanigans as if to make you laugh, to improve your mood.
It looks like you are caught in your head and they’re doing their best to distract you and get you to enjoy the party.
It works somehow when Sam and Steve join the group and what seems like, Steve pulling out, “it’s my birthday and you have to do as I wish” card.
Although the punk can’t dance to save his own life and as if it’s a cue, DJ changes the song to a slower one.
Bucky sighs knowing it’s your song.
He looks over, Steve pulls you closer and you sigh in his embrace, it’s as if someone from family held you close and gives you comfort. Both Steve and you saway slowly.
He exhales and closes his eyes and your face pops up in his mind, while pulling her closer, burying his face in her neck, hands roaming, he inhales her scent but it’s all wrong it’s not bad but it’s not what he likes and it’s not what he wants.
She is not unaware what’s playing in Bucky’s mind, but for some time she wants to give in, wants to relish in the attention, the touch Bucky is offering her, even though she knows it’s not hers, that these moments maybe numbered and might be taken from her.
She knows your hold on him is permanent, body and soul. It was easy for her to think or pretend that Bucky could be hers eventually, when you were not around but the moment you came back.
She knew she was fighting lost battle.
A fight she had no place in, but the heart wants what it wants.
She wanted to be selfish, wanted to believe him when he said he didn’t love you anymore, that he was hers and he would love her the way she loved him.
But the moment you came around, he was lost.
She still remembers the phone call in the middle of movie night. Just minutes before Bucky had asked her to stay over, while watching movie. How even though Bucky insisted he didn’t want to talk to you, he itched to answer you, it was like he was conditioned to answer you.
She hated it how deep your hooks were in him. She told him to answer as she made her way to kitchen to drink water or to soothe herself, she could here when Bucky reprimand you, insisting he needed space. After the dreadful conversation, for a minute she felt he will leave her to come to you, but he tossed his phone away.
The same night they made love for the first time. She knew he was giving in to reassure her that he was hers, even though he was not ready for it. He was still insistent, maybe they both needed the assurance.
So, she took it.
She selfishly basked in the warmth. Felt like a small victory. Only for a new day to arrive, and start new battle.
That’s what tonight was, she knew Bucky was dreading meeting you, but he couldn’t avoid his best friend’s birthday.
Also, he couldn’t avoid you and his team, his family forever.
So, when he asked her to be there with him, she was going to be there as his anchor. Someone for him to hold on to when his mind strays and tries to get him to latch to you again.
She saw the way he looked at you, the way his body trembled as if it was trying to work against gravity that was pulling him towards you.
As if, his body was doing something unnatural by not being next to you.
But right now, he is in her arms, rather she is in his. He is caressing her, kissing her neck, feeling her up. By the moments pass his actions are getting heated and she is forgetting everything, it’s so easy to love him to fall for him.
How can she not?!
He is nipping at her collar bone, grunting in the process, lips ghosting over her jawline and then over her lips.
As if he trying to make love to her.
His tongue slips past her lips and he grabs her hips pulling her as closer as it was possible and grinds against her.
Her skin prickles and she gasp, it’s as if he is trying to make love to her. But suddenly song stops and she realises they’re on the dance floor, in public for everyone to see.
“Bucky” she sighs. Trying to push him away, both of them trying to control their breathes.
“Bucky, everyone can see us” she chastised him
Even though there is no heat behind her rebuke, it pulls Bucky out of his spell and his eyes widen in realisation as she tries to get free and excuses herself to the bathroom.
Bucky straightens up and nods at her. He takes in the surroundings to see if anyone noticed. It’s dark and people are enjoying the party.
His eyes roam in your direction, you are standing as if frozen, you have witnessed his actions and Bucky can see unshed tears in your widened eyes.
“Well done”, Demon snarls
Bucky whimpers.
All the while he was dancing his eyes were closed and he was imagining you in his arms. But you don’t know neither does she.
Bucky, thinks he is a ‘number one’ asshole.
“Yes, you are” angel and demon affirm.
And of course, you saw him, of course you look hurt. Like you can’t believe he would actually hurt you like this, like some kind of vengeance. He, feels ashamed, like he somehow is betraying you.
You must be thinking he is doing it on purpose, to show you that he has moved on. To make his words true, that he doesn’t love you anymore.
Steve is trying to coax you, ask you why are you so upset but you just look upset. You shake your head, mumbling something asking for fresh air and water.
Steve nods and makes his way to get the drink.
Bucky releases the breath he was holding when your eyes meet. He saw you make your way to the balcony; he follows you avoiding angry stares from widow and witch duo.
Sam and your other companion just look confused.
When he enters the balcony, your back is to the door, your shoulders are shaking looks like you are wiping the angry tears.
He curses himself for being the cause of your pain. He never wants to see you cry; his heart literally breaks in pieces when he sees you like this.
Before he could say something, or at least announce his presence you speak.
“I always thought it would be impossible for me to fall in love. To find someone, doing what we do and still get to have everything. Then, I met you and thought it was a dream, maybe it was. Because nothing good lasts forever. I broke us, in fear thinking I could never achieve the heights I wanted, if I had someone to tie me down, to hold me back. So I ran, ran from everything, you, my family, the love. ” You laugh
Bucky doesn’t interrupt, at first, he thinks you are talking to yourself but soon he realises you are addressing him. He lets you continue.
“Your Love” you say still have your back to him
“It’s so hard to stay away from it, to fight against it, every day, every minute, every second. It was like fighting gravity, an unnatural thing to do. Staying away from you from our love was the hardest thing to do and god knows, I have done some pretty tough shit” you laugh again and continue,
“So I came back, asking for forgiveness, to beg you to love me back. Knew there was no way I’ll get what was lost, the Love is one emotion that’s impossible to find, even tough create, then you tell me you don’t love me anymore. And think that’s when I knew, the pain you must have felt when I said the same thing to you. When, I broke your heart, because I think that’s what dying would feel like.”
“But then in the moment of anger and passion, love and hate, we created something, something both of us unaware that it was possible, something so valuable that it’s beyond you and me. Something I didn’t know I could love more than you, more than my life."
Bucky is frozen to place, he doesn’t know what to make of your speech, he understands your words but not quite there yet. He is still comprehending your words when you turn.
Red nose, clearly dishevelled, eyes red and face distort with tears and emotions.
Before he could say anything, before he could offer any comfort you speak again with a sorrowful smile,
"I’m pregnant” you announce
Bucky feels as if someone pulled the rug from under his feet, like someone punched air out of his lungs or put his head in cold water making him unable to breathe.
The angel and demon are shocked too but they’re quick to make the choice, they don’t think twice before pushing him, making up his mind for him.
His legs move to their accords and before his mind can understand he is falling to his knees in front of you burying his face into your middle, hands wrapping around your waist, he lets out a sob before confessing,
“I love you…"