Sing it back if you're with me
To his surprise, she hadn't made him leave right after Emiliya had fallen asleep. It had been nice for him to tuck her in and read her a story, or at least he'd tried; she'd brought a few of her favorites with her when they'd moved but instead, she'd made him tell her one of the stories that her mother had told her once only from his perspective. The little girl had been able to provide him with enough detail to know where he ought to censor something for the ears of a child.
Their stories were bloody at best and yet somehow, she'd made them safe for their daughter and hold to the romance of what they were and he found a sort of fondness in that knowledge. Natasha could be quite the romantic when she wanted to be, not many people knew that though.
She could also be quite girly, shocking right? Not one of those Oh my hair is ruined! in the rain types but the throw away the umbrella and just dance in the street types. He'd seen it firsthand. The recollection brought a soft smile to his lips and he chuckled. It felt like forever ago since they'd been that close, now it was all barriers and walls and closed-off pain that she was trying to shelter herself from and he deserved every second of it.
It didn't stop him from hating it though and it didn't stop it hurting him. He found himself sighing at the very thought, what he wouldn't give to go back to that night. He loved her so damn much and yet he'd broken her heart all over again, what right did he have to claim he loved her after all he'd done to her?
He found distraction in listening to her speak, she wouldn't talk about them at all in fact she'd downright refused to do it but she did tell him about his daughter. It was probably the first time he'd heard her sound anything close to happy since she'd seen him which was a thought that hurt in and of itself but he could hardly expect anything different after what he'd done to her; he felt like less of a stranger to his own child though, at least now he knew her birthday, her favorite toy, what she enjoyed doing, what she was afraid of...
He learned things that a father ought to know and he felt at least a little less detached from her. In truth, he wasn't sure he'd ever feel anything less than lost when it came to her because he had lost so many years with them both through his own stupidity.
They had talked until a little after midnight when she'd informed him that he did have to leave because she wasn't comfortable with him staying the night and he couldn't blame her at all for that; once he'd left though that left Natasha alone with her thoughts and alone to process what she'd been through. Today had been horrible for her and that was putting it very, very mildly. She had wanted to break down the whole time but it was amazing the strength that could be found when it came to one's children.
She was hurting.
She was hurting beyond all belief and she didn't know how the hell to handle that so she'd done the same thing she always did when she was struggling with something on her own: She text Clint Barton to tell him to get his ass over and help her before she lost her shit. She had considered - briefly - going to bed but what was the use? She wouldn't be able to sleep even if she did.
Clint - looking slightly disheveled - showed up after about an hour with pizza and a sixer and she offered him a thankful smile as he followed her inside, he paused for a moment as she turned to face him and he studied his best friend with worried eyes; he was already aware that something was bothering her but the way she looked right now told him that whatever had happened had broken her in a new way. He made his way toward her and wordlessly pulled her into a hug.
"What happened? Is everything okay with Em? She isn't hurt or something is she?" he sounded somewhat tired, she guessed she'd woke him up.
Natasha shook her head. No. Her child was perfectly fine, it was her that wasn't and she had no idea how to cope with that. She pulled out of Clint's embrace and she leaned against the breakfast bar in her kitchen with her elbows against it and her head buried in her upturned palms, she let out a frustrated groan. It was a few minutes before she looked up but Clint didn't push her, she'd always loved him for that reason: He was perfectly willing to let her talk in her own time, he didn't press anything.
"He isn't dead," she spoke as she glanced up.
Clint's brow furrowed, he offered her an utterly confused look. "You've lost me here, Tasha. Who isn't dead? Alexei? We covered that already." Man, was the stress really getting to her that bad?
"No, not Alexei. James. He faked the whole thing and Steve knew, he helped him." Even saying it out loud made her angry.
Nine freaking years. Nine. He'd let her think he was dead for Nine years and in that time she'd had to raise a child all on her own that was now taking the fact that her father was back from the dead a whole heck of a lot better than her mother was and somehow that made Natasha feel like she had to accept it in a way that she wasn't sure she could and just- Ugh. She didn't even know. She had no idea because all of this was a whirlpool of crap she just didn't need right now.
Or ever. People manipulating her with lies was getting old real fast.
"He what?!" Clint sounded about as pissed as she was.
See? That was why she turned to Clint. Logan would've just gone and beat the shit out of him for what he'd done to her but Clint would sit here and gladly be just as mad as she was but help her to work through it all the same. He was a good friend.
"Em knows too. He came by today and he was still here when she got home from the zoo." She flexed her hand as she spoke, he could tell she was trying to quell her anger.
He shared the sentiment. twirled the bottle he held in his hand to give himself something to focus on but the moment that she mentioned his niece knowing? He felt like he was going to lose it. She didn't deserve to have her head screwed with, not by anyone not even if that someone was supposed to be her father. He really hadn't been the biggest fan of Bucky Barnes before all of this but now he wanted to punch him square in the face.
"What the hell, Tasha! Why didn't you call me? Is she okay? What happened? He didn't hurt her?" There was the ranty thing.
Natasha shook her head and offered Clint just a small smile, sad and pain-filled and lost and he could see it in her eyes. Natasha released a sigh.
"No, Em is good surprisingly. She actually wanted this to happen which I guess makes sense but I guess that it's just me that doesn't know how to deal with it. He wants to be there for Em and that's good because that's what she wants but I don't know how to be okay with it." Her lips twisted into an uncertain expression.
"Em is eight, Tasha. She doesn't know what she wants." He was met with a raised brow and a frown as he spoke.
Clint rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah I know, she's smart as heck but she's still just a kid. You gotta decide what's for the best here." Granted he wasn't a parent but he knew that kids needed protecting.
Even if they were being protected from people that were supposed to love them.
"He doesn't get to decide that he walks back in and everything is all good again, you do. You've done this on your own this long, you call the shots." His words were accompanied by a tone mixed with sadness and anger simultaneously.
He hated that his best friend found herself in yet another impossible situation due to the same asshole that had decided to play God with her life. Again. He hated the way that Bucky or Steve thought that this kind of thing would have been even remotely acceptable. They'd all died at least once, it was pretty much a rite of passage at this point and they'd all done the fake-death or dropping off the grid thing at some point too but...
Well, never for that long. In Barnes' defense, he hadn't known that Natasha was pregnant, no one but he and Logan had gotten to know that information because Natasha had decided with the father of her child apparently dead, it was safer for them both if she left. He'd argued - quite fiercely - that she was being an idiot and that the safer place was around everyone that loved her but Natasha had been intent on doing it her own way. It was her life, her baby and she'd been through enough.
She deserved to be able to make her own decisions. He didn't have to agree with them, there were a few that she'd made over the years that he might not have agreed with but he let her do whatever she felt like she needed to do anyway. She was his best friend and it was his job to support her even when he thought she was being a dumbass - like when she'd left - he'd support her no matter what.
"I can't make him walk away, Clint. She wants her dad around and I have to respect that," she released a sigh as she spoke, she was toying with her glass.
Natasha tapped an idle tune on the side of it, he felt pretty sure it was a song but he couldn't quite place what it was. It sounded too quiet for his hearing aids to pick up on properly anyway and asking her would just distract from far more important things, then again maybe a distraction was exactly what she needed, he honestly had no idea.
"Respect it yeah, bend to whatever whim he has? No. That ain't right," he sounded grumpy.
She let out a small laugh and shook her head.
"Y'know, I love you to pieces but you know me better than that. I'm not going to just act like nothing happened and that what he did wasn't wrong; I'm mad as hell at him and I swear I was halfway between wanting to shoot him and-" She inhaled a deep breath cutting off with what was the fakest smile he'd ever seen.
Clint rolled his eyes at her. "You love him, I get that but he's an asshole and he put you both through hell when you didn't deserve it and now you're back because you're facing a threat and all of a sudden now he wants to play hero? C'mon, he needs to either step up for real or leave you the hell alone 'cause this isn't about feeding his ego or making himself feel like he's a decent person after what he did to you this is about helping you stop a monster and save yourself and your little girl." He was always honest with her.
She admired that, few were. Few people actually got close enough to know that her reputation was only half of who she was and that there was so much more underneath all of that and something that was far more human. Clint had seen that all along no matter how many times she tried to push him away, he knew her better than anyone else... Well almost. Logan was a close second. Logan had always been family to Natasha long before he'd met her.
"I do, but he doesn't get a free pass because of that. He knows how I feel about people screwing with me, it's all I've had my whole life. After Ivan I never wanted anyone else to mess with me or try to force my life in some convoluted direction to suit their agenda. He knew that. He knew how I'd feel when I found out it was all lies, I get that he didn't know I was pregnant with Em and I get that he tried to find me after but that doesn't make it right." She couldn't help but concede to what he was saying.
"Yeah well, you didn't get me to come over to sit there and say Naw, forgive him 'cause he's the dad to your kid. You got me to come over because you knew that I'd tell you the truth and I'd make it clear that I think he's a dick." Then again he'd never really been Bucky's biggest fan.
"Never woulda done this to Bobs no matter what the threat was, there ain't no excuse for letting that kinda lie go on this long. We've all done it before, we've either literally faced a grave or been in one before something brought us back or we've had to drop off the grid but we ain't done that for this long." He knew Natasha already knew that.
He also knew that he was right: She'd got him to come over because she needed someone to tell her that her anger was justified and it was. She had every damn right in the world to be mad as hell. She had every right to want to beat the holy hell out of him if that's what she chose to do because what he'd done took 'dick move' to a whole new level and he hated the fact that his best friend once again had to go through so much because of him.
And Steve Rogers had a lot to answer for. Clint glowered at the thought.
"Yeah, I know," she replied quietly.
"But it's okay if you wanna forgive him too. We both know love ain't straightforward, we've both been down roads that lead us to hell enough times to know that sometimes you gotta follow your heart and all that crap." He rubbed the back of his neck. He always did when he was at a loss for what to do or say.
"I don't know." Natasha rolled her eyes mostly at herself.
"I don't know what I want to do and that's half the problem. All I wanted for years was for her to have a proper family, I wanted him there because I was worried I couldn't do it alone and she deserved to have her dad there and what happened was cruel and hard to live with but then I realized I could and it all changed. I got used to the knowledge that he wasn't coming back. I got used to him being gone and I came to some kinda peace with that because I had no choice and then this. This happened like I needed anything else to deal with already."
She didn't. She really didn't.
She had enough of the threats to her and her daughter's life to deal with but maybe that could be a good thing. Maybe him being here could be a good thing because at least then she had the backup and the support, he had just as much reason to fight for Em as she did but then so did Logan and Clint. They loved her just as much. She didn't need him there to have her back, she'd proved that all these years.
But that didn't mean for a second that she hadn't stopped wishing he was here or that she'd stopped missing him because she hadn't. She loved him and there was no changing that and she wouldn't, not even if she could. She wouldn't change it because she knew such a huge part of her would-be forever missing if she did. He might be the one person in the world that she was most angry at right now but that didn't change how she felt for him.
He'd lived thinking she was dead just as much as she'd lived thinking he was, the only difference was her supposed death wasn't a lie she'd chosen to tell rather a consequence of her need to disappear from the world that she knew for the safety of an innocent child, a child that had been dragged into it all anyway. Natasha was good at disappearing when she needed to, she just wished she'd seen a threat from a dead man coming and she wouldn't be in this mess to start with.
"Maybe I do need his help. Maybe I need his help to end it for good this time. We tried, right? You, me, Bobbi... We tried. We tried and he still wouldn't stay dead." She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself at this point.
"You don't need anyone, Tasha. We were only there 'cause Bobs' mission crossed with yours, you could've handled him on your own and you know it. You're right, he didn't stay down and yeah maybe we need everyone we can get to make sure he does this time but you don't need to let that be him if you can't do it. You got me, you got Logan and Laura and Remy 'cause he's basically Laura's shadow these days, you got Bobbi, Katie, hell I'm sure even Rogers and Hill would be willing to fight for you too. Tony, Tony ain't gonna let you die or let anything happen to your baby. Carol too." Naturally, he was going to make her see that she had backup outside of the person that had broken her heart.
"I know, I know I have people out there that'll fight by my side but this isn't their fight and you know it. The world I came from eats you up and it doesn't leave much of who you were behind. They're dangerous and he's probably the worst of all, at least Ivan stayed dead." Dead for real this time anyway.
She'd faced every goddamn monster she'd tried to run away from over the years and so if it was a certain death he wanted, she was more than happy to oblige.
"He doesn't walk away this time, Clint. None of that 'we don't kill unless we have to' bullshit. He gets put down and he stays down. This time around, we have to shoot to kill because I won't take a chance on him busting out and coming after her again. I don't kill for the hell of it anymore but him? I'll make an exception and if he tries me I'll make it hurt."
Killing someone is easy, making them suffer is an art.
Making someone suffer was an art that the famous Black Widow had a particular proclivity for. If he wanted to screw with her, she'd make damn sure that he'd face a pain, unlike anything he'd faced before because this time he was messing with her child and she'd never let that stand, and Clint knew that. This time, she was fighting for more than just herself.
"Alright, we kill him dead and we make sure he stays in the ground." He'd do all he could to make sure that it wasn't necessary for her to take that shot though.
Natasha didn't deserve to lose herself for the sake of a monster like that, she was better than that. She deserved better than that.
"We hit him with all we've got and we show him that you don't fight alone, if he wants to take on one of us he gets the whole damn lot of us." At least, everyone, they could find anyway.
It didn't have to be on Bucky Barnes to play the goddamn hero, he didn't deserve to be the one that got to save the day after everything he'd put her through but he did - whether Clint liked it or not - have every reason to fight by her side. Bucky was an asshole but even Clint knew he loved Natasha. He was an asshole that had made a huge, huge goddamn mistake that Clint really hoped Natasha would make him pay for but that didn't mean he deserved to be punished forever.
This life of theirs was complicated at the best of times and sometimes you made a dumb-ass decision and you had to live with the consequences of that. Bucky was going to live with the consequences of it in ways that he couldn't even begin to understand because sooner or later, the little girl's excitement was going to subside and she was going to be angry.
Kids did angry better than most adults but Mini Romanov? She was like a goddamn tornado. Heh, good luck with that one Barnes. He deserved whatever she decided to throw at him ten times over for his dumb-ass mistake.
Deep down though, Clint hoped Natasha could pull her family together, she deserved a happy ending.