(including a pic of rdj and chris evans hugging because it's precious and this is how he'd hold you when he found you.)
twenty-four floors, up in some hotel room.
you stood at the edge of the balcony, feet halfway off the ledge in front of the railing. the soft ocean breeze whispered around your face, beckoning you towards your watery fate. the waves crashed on the distant shore, and it soothed your ever-growing nerves. you wanted this. you knew you were worthless, nothing would ever change that. you were nothing more than a one night stand to every person you hooked up with. no one genuinely cared anymore, your friends had all left you, and this was a much cheaper option than checking into a psych ward. you felt the familiar sting in both arms that were hanging on to the railing: your left arm stung with the gashes you created a few hours ago, and your right arm burned from the new tattoo you'd gotten yesterday. you wanted a few more tattoos, but couldn't see it as reason enough to keep living.
feeling so low, thinking of jumping soon.
the moment had to be right. the beach needed to be clear so no child would hear you plunging to your death. you heard explosions happening in the distance. there had been another hydra attack, and none other than your ex-lover iron man was fighting them off. many families retreated to the beach to find solace from the fiery detonations, throwing a wrench in your plans to secretly end your miserable life. you held on to a sliver of hope that tony would be by and save you, but he wasn't that kind of superhero. he saved people, sure, but he also caused a lot of destruction in the process. you knew he wouldn't be. so why were you still holding on to this stupid railing? your feet were able to jump, your arms able to move, so what kept you there?
I look up and see the stars, look down at speeding cars, think of my family, how they'll remember me.
you picked out your favorite constellations, committing them to memory. if everything went according to plan, you'd never see them again. the salt water would have dissolved you from the inside out by tomorrow afternoon. you glanced to your right, seeing the jammed street with crashed cars and drunks wandering the sidewalks. the hydra attack on this popular beach was definitely unexpected but it wasn't stopping spring breakers from having the time of their lives. you thought about your little brother, the one you swore to protect from everything bad in the world and wondered if he would find it in his huge heart to forgive you. you wondered if you had been enough. both of your parents were already dead, and as shield agents, you weren't surprised. thousands of people were always out to get them. it's how you got wrapped up with tony stark in the first place. your parents had been invited to one of his huge parties, you had on a beautiful, sparkling burgundy gown, and the man can't keep his hands off anything with a dress on. you had gotten together for a few nights here and there, but never thought anything of it. he meant a lot to you, but you knew you didn't mean anything to him. he'd probably been with another twenty girls by now. little did you know, he'd been searching for you. he missed you. he was too scared to tell you how he felt but he was ready to say something now. it was why he was in panama city beach to begin with, but dumbass hydra, always ruining his moments.
with eyes closed I see your face, I breathe deep and hesitate. I hear the words you'd say if you were here with me.
tony knew you never loved yourself. it was why he tried to take care of you as much as he possibly could every time you were together. he'd spoil you, buying you new dresses to wear to every dinner or party he wanted you at, lingerie to wear underneath that he would see at the end of the night, expensive perfume and makeup he loved, red bottom heels and always being conscious of where you'd hurt yourself last. he always told you he wished you'd stop, but you had no reason to. he'd seen everything, and you were just another lover. it didn't matter anymore. he told you you were beautiful and that he thought so no matter what. he spent time praising your body and worshipping every part adequately. going to bed with him was like going to church, and it was the only time you didn't mind being religious. you took a deep breath to bring yourself back to the present. he didn't matter now. nothing does. in a moment of adrenaline, your knees bent, your hands left the railing, and all of the sudden the air was hitting your face a lot faster. you thought of tony one last time with your eyes closed, remembering his warmth and hearing his voice telling you "you're so perfect" one last time. the ocean was a lot closer now, though it felt like you'd been falling forever.
you'd say, "you don't wanna die tonight. take one more breath to clear your mind. every moment's relevant, bittersweet and delicate. tomorrow may not come again."
all of the sudden, something was grabbing you from your plunge. you immediately kicked against it, your foot hitting solid metal.
"what the fuck? who are you?"
"(y/n), it's tony."
huh. iron man really did come to save you. wild. you pounded against his chest plate despite the fact that it definitely hurt you more than it hurt him.
"tony, let me go, I was almost dead!"
"I know, and I can't let that happen. the rest of the avengers finally showed up so I left to come save you. I couldn't let you drown. I love you too much."
love? tony actually loves someone besides himself? unbelievable.
"that's a fucking lie, now let me go! I want this, tony."
"no! I haven't been with anyone since the last time we were together. I know everything we did was just a casual fuck but you gave me purpose. I'm not letting you die. not when I need a chance with you."
he landed you softly on the beach, his suit folding up into his bracelets. you sat across from each other, knees touching, silent. you studied his face. his eyes were pooled with tears, a few more worried wrinkles on his face. he looked older than you had left him, but his soul remained unchanged. as selfish as he was, he sure liked being a hero. he likes being loved and he knows that happens when he saves people.
you two spoke at the same time.
"why are you here?"
"why would you do that?"
you both looked at each other, mouths slightly agape, blinking.
"I'm worthless, tones. you know that. I don't matter to anyone, all of these scars...it's pointless."
"I tracked you down to tell you how I felt...just got lucky that I could save you." he pulled you into his lap, the feeling familiar and inviting. you knew he struggled. in his line of work it was impossible not to. but he was here, still living, breathing.
"how do you do it?" you pondered, fully expecting a smartass remark.
"how do I do it? I do it for you. I do it so you realize the world isn't out to get you and that someone, somewhere loves you. I hope you realize that someone is me. I risk my ass all the time for you. I haven't been the same since I met you. you changed me for the better. I don't know if it was your beautiful smile and personality or your abso-fucking-lutely incredible blow--"
"tony. I get it. thank you. I fell for you, too, but I knew you'd never love me back."
he stayed silent for a moment, brow furrowed. he searched your face for an emotion that was something other than complete desperation and hopelessness. "let's go back to my hotel room."
you took a deep breath and nodded. you were too tired to fight against him.
twenty-four floors, up in some hotel room. feeling so low, and some kind of muted blue.
tony carried you all the way to the hotel and to his room, three doors down from your own. he laid you on the bed softly, not wanting to let you down so hard ever again. he called room service, ordering an array of desserts and a tea kettle. he preferred coffee, but since knowing you, he'd learned to appreciate the hot leaf water.
you two chit-chatted until room service delivered whatever he'd ordered, just catching up. he poured you a cup of your favorite tea, one thing he remembered from your fun time together. he passed it to you, sitting down across from you on the bed. he had the tv on the news from before he left, getting a bird's eye view of the situation before diving into the action. agent coulson called to debrief him before he headed out. he studied you for a moment before reaching to roll up your sleeve, right arm first. the fresh ink became prominent even in the dim hotel room, the soft blue haze illuminating the watercolor sea turtle. "rebel" was written in a script font below it. tony knew what it meant to you. how it felt to go against the waves, nearly drowning, but fighting back to the top and breathing again. tony knew you couldn't drown your demons, but by God you were going to try. he knew if you ever attempted, you'd jump into the ocean, because the ocean is both your biggest fear and your greatest love. your last act of defiance would also mean committing yourself to the one thing that still brought you joy. he remembered this much, because you had mentioned it while sharing a cigarette after sex, drunk on the balcony of his malibu mansion. it was the second time you had given yourself to tony stark.
"it's nice. tasteful. it fits you." he laced his fingers with yours, bringing the plastic wrap up to his lips and gently kissing it. "now, let's see your other arm." you moved your mug to the hand he'd just let go as he set his mug on the tray room service had brought. you took a sip of the mint chamomile tea, taking a breath as he rolled up the other sleeve. you watched his face as his eyes scanned the angry red lines. his eyes widened in shock, then sunk into his skull. you could tell he was disappointed. you hated seeing that look. there were at least 30 cuts, each going a different way -- some horizontal, some vertical, some diagonal. they had scabbed over for the most part, but were still too tender to touch. tony knew this and barely ghosted his fingertips over the gashes. he kissed the inside of your palm, knowing it wouldn't hurt there. you took another sip of your tea, waiting for him to speak. he remained silent, choosing to examine your face instead. he took in every detail that had changed since he saw you last: skinnier and more pale cheeks that were once full and rosy, dark and hollow circles rounded your eyes, though your freckles were just as he remembered them. tony took a deep breath.
"you're still just as beautiful as I remember. scars and all."
you looked up at him, and he had aged, as well. he had a few grey hairs sticking out of his brunette curls. a few worry lines had etched themselves into his forehead, and his crow's feet had deepened. he still looked as beautiful as ever. being tony stark with the weight of the world on his shoulders wasn't easy. a day felt like a week and a month felt as long as a year. but you loved him still. he wasn't easy to love; he was as broken as you were, but he carried his pain with such grace you nearly envied him. however, the pain of loving anthony edward stark was worth it.
the TV talks at me apocalyptically, fosters the fear in me, but somehow I hear your plea.
you turned your attention to the news, headlines still scrolling across the screen.
"tony…" you trailed off, collecting your thoughts. "you can't protect me from everything. the world is dangerous and as self-destructing as I am, you won't be able to save me from everything." you looked at him to read his facial expression, and he was...shocked? determined? you couldn't tell.
"I know, (y/n). I know. but by God I deserve a chance, right? you don't have to do this alone. we'll move you into my tower -- hell you can move into my room if you want -- I'll bring in a therapist or something, someone you can talk to and get professional help. I'll be by your side through all of it, or as much as you want me there for. I swear to God I will hold you so tight every night all of your broken pieces will stick back together...under one condition." he smirked, looking at you through his eyelashes.
you gave him a lopsided grin in return. "and what would that be, mr. stark?"
"don't ever fucking attempt again." he said it with a slight laugh, but stern enough that you knew he meant it. maybe you did mean something to him. maybe the world wasn't out to get you.
"I pinky promise." you stuck your pinky out in solidarity, and he locked his in with yours. you wiggled it, showing you were serious. his eyes were glittering again, and you knew how happy he was to finally have you back.
with eyes closed I see your face, I breathe deep and hesitate. I hear the words you'd say, feels like you're here with me. you'd say, "you don't wanna die tonight. take one more breath to clear your mind. every moment's relevant, bittersweet and delicate. tomorrow may not come again. tonight is all there is."
he took the mug of tea from your hands, placing it on the dresser next to his. he was inching towards you, leaning in. you felt his nose brush against yours, and then his rough stubble, and finally the lips you used to love kissing. his lips felt the same: slightly dry no matter how much chapstick he used, and always with a faint taste of coffee and whiskey, despite the fact that the last thing he drank was peppermint tea. his hands fell on top of your thighs and squeezed. out of all the things he loved about you, he loved your thighs the most. they were pretty muscular from all your years in volleyball, but were big enough to hold tony or a few puppies. every time you were together, he reminded you that he loved every inch of you, whether it was toned or not. after all, he'd said, your chub just meant more of you to love, and he would praise every inch of you until you were comfortable again. he loved you so much, and he vowed to spend the rest of his life proving it if he needed to. your hands tugging on his hair brought him back to the present, and as much as he wanted to go back to the way things were, he knew it needed to wait. you needed to heal and time to make sure he was what you wanted still.
"now, tell me sweetheart, how are you feeling?" tony remained close, pressing his forehead to yours.
"I don't know, tones. this is lovely, but...how do I know you won't leave again? you're all I have. my brother won't want anything to do with me now. I left him, nearly killed myself and...there's no way he'll forgive me."
tony sighed, looking at you lovingly. "honey, I won't leave you. I can't. I don't wanna be the one to save you tonight and then not be there for you ever again. move into the tower. please. I can't protect you out there, but I can at home. capsicle and nat can help -- they mother hen me plenty so taking on another kid won't disrupt them. and as for your brother, he can move in too. you two will have your own floor, you can have your own room but mine will be open to you for as many nights as you wanna spend in it. come grab me out of my lab whenever you need me -- unless I'm mid-breakdown, then I'll need you. thinking about you has been the only thing to get me out of my anxiety attacks, because I think that if you can do it, I can do it too. please, let me take care of you. just give me a shot. I won't fuck it up this time, I promise."
you could hear the desperation in his voice and knew he wanted to keep you safe. it was all he wanted. you snaked your arms around his neck, kissing his collarbone through his black sabbath t-shirt. you laced your fingers in his pomade-filled curls, relishing in each fleeting moment. tony was few and far between, but you would be more than happy to spend the rest of your life grasping on to each second with the man you loved. you took a deep breath, letting out an "okay" on the exhale. his grip on you got tighter, and you could feel a few tears start dripping from his cheeks where they rested in the crook of your neck.
"I can't lose you…" he took a moment to breathe, tears falling faster, it seemed. you couldn't see, but the growing wetness on your neck told more than you could've ever hoped to see. tony never cries in front of people, but will cry on someone's shoulder, so long as they can't see. he sniffed, and you knew this was one of those cries where he didn't care if someone saw. he was hurting, and he didn't care if you knew. "I love you so much. please don't go."
“I’m not going anywhere, so long as you want me by your side...thank you. I love you, tones.”
“let’s get some rest, yeah? we’ll have a better day tomorrow.” you nodded into his neck, and he moved you two up towards the pillows, keeping his arms wrapped around you. he kissed your forehead, running his fingers through your hair. “you’re safe, sweetheart. you’re safe.”
you yawned, muttering out a sleepy “love you” before drifting off into a sleep you knew you’d survive.