It was chaos. At least for Sam and Bruce. The yelling began about 15 seconds after they began realizing that Steve wasn't coming back. Bucky stood with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, watching. He wasn't watching the panicking men. He was watching her.
She had stood silently as Steve and Bucky exchanged their good byes. Although Bucky and his best friend had already talked about what was going to happen, Bucky meant it when he told Steve he was taking all the stupid with him. Because, my God, how could he leave her. Leave her, living , breathing in front of him for something that might not happen.
So now as Sam and Bruce lost their shit, Bucky watched her stand there with this enigmatic look on her face. He knew Steve had also told her his plan, he had said as much when he told Bucky. It was somewhat of a consolation knowing Steve had revealed his plan to her before telling Bucky but Bucky still couldn't wrap his head around Steve wanting to be anywhere but here with her.
Bucky’s attention on her was diverted to the old man sitting by the lake. He caught a distraught Sam’s attention and directed it towards the old man. It was interesting to see how fast Sam caught on to whom Bucky was sending him to, confusion, curiosity, and realization warred on the face he made at Bucky in the brief seconds before turning to make his way to the stranger that wasn’t a really stranger at all.
He watched the interaction between Sam and an older Steve, nodding at the exchanging of the shield. His focus went back to her only to notice she was beginning to walk away.
She walked away, arms loose and swinging as if she didn't have a care in the world. He wouldn't be surprised if she started whistling as she walked. He jogged a bit to catch up with her and snagged her wrist to gain her attention.
"Hey...", he looked down at her and she smiled up at him. Her smile distracted him as it always did and he came to a complete stop almost causing her to lose her balance since he still had a hold on her wrist.
Her smile...God, what was Steve thinking? He stood like an idiot, staring at her, trying to remember when he lost himself to her.
All the times she came to Wakanda to help Shuri heal his broken mind and upgrade his prosthetic arm, her smiles were what he had begun to live for. He had known she and Steve had had something together but he couldn't help it. Her pull was like a gentle magnet he couldn't resist. The times between her visits felt like infinity.
Hell, even though his last word had been "Steve" when he had vaporized right in front of his best friend, his last thought had been "Where the hell was she?" He knew if he had been the one to stay behind those 5 long years, he would have gone mad, having lost her and never telling her how he truly felt. Never knowing he would ever get the chance.
She didn’t pull away but waited as he stood lost in his inner thoughts. After a couple of moments, she said his name in a concerned tone, her brows wrinkling in worry.
"I love you.", he blurted out. Then stood horrified at what he had just said, scared at how she would respond. When she didn't speak immediately, he allowed all the words he kept bottled up for the two years before he left her. Left her unwillingly, unlike Steve.
"He is such an idiotic punk...you are so lovely, so smart, so funny....,” he babbled and still she didn't speak, "Maybe...maybe I could be all you've ever dreamed... since he......."
Panic began to set in, maybe this was over before it even began, but he couldn't shut up.
"..I know I'm not him....I know I'm broken but I also know if you were then and I was now....I'd do it too, I would have gone.....I'd rather be anywhere but here without you..he's an idiot ...you're all I've ever dreamed..."
The words seven years unspoken until now hung heavy in the air between them as he waited for her to respond.
His chest began to tighten and his vision blurred, please don't let him add a panic attack this humiliating shit fest. God, what was he thinking that he could ever have her? His hand on her wrist tighten involuntarily as he tried to control his breathing anything to keep her from noticing he was now taking his turn losing his shit.
It was too late, though because she saw how his gaze unfocused and the pulse in his throat quickened, a look so familiar to her back when his healing began in Wakanda. He saw her realization in the shifting expression of her face and self disgust washed over him as he thought why the hell would she want him....his cracks were still too big to hold together. He would fall completely apart soon.
He let go of her and stepped back to leave, ready to run, but she stopped him by grabbing his hand and began to speak softly but firmly, breaking through his fog of self hatred and doubt.
"I told him to go. To go back. He would have stayed if I had asked him to. What...what we had was not meant to be. I knew that after the Accords and when he went away. I couldn't go with him because....", she took a deep wavering breath, "you. Shuri didn't need me, but I couldn't think of doing anything without you. Then came Thanos. And you were just gone and I wished I had disappeared too.”
Tears streaked her own cheeks. “He tried...he tried to be strong for the both of us. And he was so, so strong. But we were both broken and now he’s tired and I told him to go to her. To live. To rest. He’s done what he promised me.”
Bucky licked his dry lips and rasped out his question, “What did he promise you?”
“To bring you back, because I’d rather be anywhere but here without you.”