i'm a raw nerve in the sunlight
Days passed in a blur. Tuesday night shifted to Friday afternoon before Shauna could even register time elapsing.
Jackie (Shauna would never get over hearing her name for the first time) might as well have decked Shauna and given her a concussion, considering even Shauna thinking about Jackie had her head spinning.
“Not again Shipman!” Van playfully hit Shauna, but they had their head cocked like a confused puppy and a shine of worry in their eyes. “O captain, my captain, come down from your rocket.”
Shauna groaned, “I told you to stop calling me that. If anything, Lottie is our captain. And don’t look at me like that, I’m fine.”
Van looked at Shauna again, shook their head, and went back to sorting through records.
Van worked at a record store because, well, money. That, and Van had a knack for old stuff. They could fix old record players, walkmans, you name it. The shop owner, who was the father of some emo kid Nat had a weird relationship with in high school, kept them around because of that. Nat had been offered a job there as well, but declined because of said weird relationship with Kevyn Tan. Nat worked at the bar as a waitress/bartender at the Wilderness bar when the Yellowjackets didn’t have shows. It worked out because Nat got along well with Coach and somewhat okay with the other owner, a guy Ben knew who he used to referee peewee soccer with. Unfortunately, the other owner came with Travis, but also Javi, who was probably the best 13-year-old on the planet. So, it was all fine. Even though Nat threatened to quit every other week because of Travis.
The rest of the band tended to migrate between the bar and the record store when they weren’t otherwise busy. Lottie was at the bar with Nat today, because she didn’t need to work because of her rich parents, but she typically helped out anyways. Taissa was at college doing ‘college stuff’ as Van always proclaimed proudly, being a business major so Tai could keep being a top tier manager.
And Shauna?
Shauna had no fucking clue what she was doing with her life.
Shauna watched her friends go to college and get jobs and do productive and adult things. Meanwhile, Shauna couldn’t even make popcorn in the microwave because she burnt that shit every goddamn time. So, she basically felt like a complete loser.
It wasn’t like she wasn’t smart. She was pretty good at English; as in, she was the type of person who was pulled aside by teachers that told her ‘Hey, you’ve really got potential to get out of this shitty town’. She’d applied to colleges and gotten into them (even Brown! Fucking Brown!) and just panicked. Things were moving too fast. Shauna wanted to stay in Jersey forever and let the air suffocate her. At least she wouldn’t be changing. Life could stay how it was. She could go to the record store and the bar and write shitty lyrics and pluck bass lines until her calluses had calluses and that was all well and good.
And yet, there was something within Shauna that wanted to take that next step, to send that acceptance letter to Brown or to get a job at a journalism company or fly a plane. These two thoughts, staying and leaving, tugged at Shauna’s insides, a never ending game of tug of war. Sometimes, she felt like she’d never be happy with any path she chose in her life. But it was easier to stay on the same path then go on a new one that could be somehow worse. So Shauna stayed rooted in New Jersey and watched seasons change and people come and go and became a statue.
Shauna felt like a ghost sometimes. She was on the outside looking in. Nat had Lottie (though neither of them had figured that out quite yet), Van had Tai ( Jesus , Shauna needs to work on matchmaking), and she felt like she was just there by association. She didn’t have that sort of bond with anyone.
It hurt. Not that she would ever say anything.
Shauna’s depressing inner hell was interrupted by Van.
“Shipman, you can’t tell me you’re fine and go back into no man’s land again,” Van said quietly.
Shauna winced. Even through her self depreciation, her band knew her tells pretty well. It was no use lying to any of them how she was feeling.
“Just thinking about stuff. Mostly Jackie, I guess” Shauna said, which wasn’t technically a lie. She just left out all the sad stuff.
Van’s face lit up. “Dude, I knew you felt some type of way about her!”
The fuck , Shauna thought. “Some type of way? I just met her. Matter of fact, we all just met her!”
“Love at first sight exists, Shipman,” Van replied, which was obvious given their, ahem, thing, with Tai.
“She’s Jeff’s girlfriend. Even if I thought about her like that, I would never do that shit.”
Van acquiesced. They deflated a bit, but continued the conversation, a little less gay . “Well, what do you think about her, really?”
That was a good question. What did Shauna think about Jackie?
Other than her eyes that Shauna could get lost in, her voice, her laugh, et cetera, Shauna just… didn’t know shit about Jackie, really. None of them did. She told Van as much and they pondered for a second.
“Guess we’ll just have to spend more time with her, then,” Van smirked a bit.
“Well yes, Van, spending time with people is typically how we get to know them,” Shauna spoke dryly, rolling her eyes at Van’s implications.
“We should totally hang out tomorrow night! Do some absolute wack shit!” Van pumped their fists in the air.
“And by wack shit, you mean sitting in Lottie’s basement and drinking and probably playing fucking Uno or some shit,” Shauna stated unimpressively.
‘You’re goddamn right Shipman! No boys allowed and everything,” Van raised their hand for a high five. Shauna gave it to them reluctantly.
“Is Jackie even gonna want to go somewhere without Jeff? She’s only met us all once,” Shauna questioned.
Van pulled out their phone and texted a contact named JEFF’S NEW GF . They couldn’t be serious, right?
“You have her number? When the fuck…” Shauna trailed off. Better off not knowing, probably.
Van held out their hand. Shauna stared at them.
“Your phone, dumbass.”
Shauna handed her phone to Van. Van giggled like a 5 year old as they typed. “Now you have it, too.”
Shauna looked at the new contact that read future wife and had at least 9 exclamation points. “Very funny, Van.”
“You’re welcome. Shift’s over, let’s go place bets on Nat beating the piss out of Travis today.”
Shauna just laughed and followed Van to their…well, van. The community van, technically, because they switched off taking turns with it (except Nat, who everyone unanimously agreed was not safe behind the wheel of anything. Not even a bicycle). Van was the best driver though, so they got it most of the time and dropped Nat at work and drove them to shows and whatnot.
They both settled in and waited a moment. Shauna plugged her phone in the aux. That was one of her favorite things about Van- they never picked the music, regardless of if they were the driver or not. Van was happy with anything on. Van was never judgmental, either, so it was just so easy around them. Sharing music was something that made Shauna especially nervous, but never with Van.
Shauna put on her ‘ questioning my entire life ’ playlist and breathed as the first chords of It Must Get Lonely flowed through the van’s speakers.
Shauna could sense Van wanting to say something, but they must have decided against it because after a few more songs they pulled into the parking lot of the bar. Tires crunched under the gravel of the parking lot as they both got out of the car silently and entered the bar.
The silence was immediately ended by yelling and laughter. Coach was grinning, polishing glasses at the bar and waving to Shauna and Van. Bill Martinez, the other owner, merely grunted at them and went to the back of the bar. Javi also waved from his seat at the bar, homework in front of him. Lottie was next to him helping him, but got up to fist bump Van and give Shauna a hug as they continued further in.
“What’s the bet looking like, Lot?” said Van. Lottie did her best poker face but couldn’t help but smile.
“20 bucks for me and 20 bucks less for you. No fights today,” proclaimed Lottie. Van swore, dug in the pocket of their pants for their wallet, and defeatedly handed Lottie the money.
Sure enough, Nat had a stormy look on their face, but she was minding to herself and sweeping the floor. Travis was setting up tables and chairs, but Lottie continued and told them that he had kept himself to mostly just gazing at Nat like Lottie’s dog gazing at a piece of cheese.
Lottie walked back to the bar stools and Van and Shauna obediently followed her. Van sat next to Lottie and Shauna sat on the other side of Javi. He turned to her and smiled shyly. Javi was the kind of kid who was quiet but said the funniest shit out of nowhere. He came to the bar after school with Bill and Travis and did schoolwork as they got the bar ready for customers. He was there often as Nat got off her shifts, so he was pretty used to seeing the band, but still nervous around then. They were hoping to get him to a show soon, but Bill was funky about that, like a queer pop-punk band was scarier than the conversations Javi overheard in the halls. Kid was mature for his age.
“Javi, my man, did anyone give you the tea on Jackie?” Van leaned past Lottie. Javi nodded. Ben walked over to them and spoke for him.
“Yeah, Nat and Lottie filled us in. She seems normal, I guess,” Ben shrugged. Javi again nodded.
“We’re gonna hang out with her tomorrow and really see if she gets the Yellowjackets seal of approval,” Van winked at Javi and Ben.
Shauna rolled her eyes. “Did she even text you back about that?”
“Ye of little face, of course she did, and she said she would love to come,” Van cackled. Shauna side-eyed them, because they definitely said some weird shit to Jackie, but Shauna didn’t even want to imagine the possibilities.
Ben shook his head at Van and put on his best dad face. “Well, I hope you all get to know each other better and have fun and all that stuff, but be safe as always.”
“Yes, Coach,” all 3 band members chorused at him. Javi even gave a thumbs up of his own.
Ben seemed satisfied at that and walked away. Nat approached and draped an arm around Lottie as she ruffled Javi’s hair. Nat and Javi got along like siblings, which was interesting compared to her relationship with Travis. Javi was hard to hate, though. Nat worked every shift on teaching him to be a ‘respectful king’ unlike Travis.
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand gang, we gotta get ready for tomorrow night,” Nat smirked, mostly at Shauna. Shauna briefly considered slapping her and Van.
Shauna felt totally normal about Jackie, so she didn’t understand all the teasing. It’s normal to want to get to know your best friend’s new girlfriend, right? So what if she’s straight out of a painting? Shauna was gonna be totally cool about the hang out tomorrow. Chill as a motherfuckin’ cucumber.