It's Okay, Don't Be Sad
The fight ended. And still I couldn't see Natasha. Tony took the fall alone, til the Guardians shared it with him. Soon, a girl who seems to have a flaming hands joined the chain, then Thor, the girl with Pegasus. They're all not humans, or at least not an average mortal.
I don't know what they're doing but I can see what it does to Tony, I'm not just gonna stand and not try, so I joined the chain, Wanda followed, then others would attempt but they would be blown away, or fall out not too long after. The master sorcerer did whatever help he did. Bruce tried but Thor shouted against it, seeing his right arm I figured he used the stones to bring everyone back. It'd be dangerous for him to do it twice.
For that moment I thought I'd lost the chance to see, to hold, Natasha again so I set my mind to survive whatever it takes, and we all did. But with Tony, the main one who held the stones, loose function of his right arm.
Still, it could be worse.
I continue asking for Natasha, no one seems to know where she is, probably the ones that was dusted too. So I went to Sam.
"Have you seen Nat?"
"Cap."
...
I don't feel good, he looks like he doesn't have any good thing to say.
I feared for the worse.
"I'm sorry, Steve."
I hoped for the best.
"What do you mean?"
...
"Nat's gone."
...
...
My whole world crumbles down. It was just lifted a while ago when we won.
For a moment, I stand frozen. Bucky patted my back and then tears started falling from my eyes. And I let myself cry.
I told you I'd see you in a minute, so where are you?
____
Few hours later, with my half broken shield, I sat on an empty space. Looking over how ruined the place is. Is it enough to describe how broken I feel inside?
Natasha sacrificed herself for this, and it worked, she'd be so proud. If only she's here.
Natasha sacrificed herself, if I was there I would've saved her from the horrifying decision. I would never let her, I would take her place whatever it takes.
Yet I know she would do the same for me.
Then if I couldn't save her, I would've done it with her.
"Natasha wouldn't want to see you this way."
"Bucky."
"I haven't known her for long but I know she'll be happier if you'll keep moving forward."
"I know."
But still, if only I was there.
____
The next day, Steve and Bucky spent the night at Sam's as the compound would take time to rebuild.
Now that Steve is a little calmer, Sam took the chance to tell Steve about James.
"I have a son?"
A mixed emotions filled me at once.
____
We went to the Stark's, where Natasha left our son.
I've heard about Tony and Pepper and their little one. And I'm happy for them.
About my son, I'm no doubt happy and excited to meet him but at the same time I'm conflicted.
Will he like me as his father?
Will I reach his expectations?
Will I be a good father?
What am I supposed to do when I see him?
Where meeting the first time yet I'm only bringing a bad news about his mom.
How am I suppose to tell him?
What is he like? What does he like? Will I make up for the five years I wasn't by his side?
Will I be able to fill in of Natasha's absence?
No I don't want to fill in Natasha's place, I want to make my own without replacing hers.
But what do I do if he wants his mom?
Am I ready to see him?
Even if I'm not, I still want to see him.
How does he look?
How much did he got from me? How much is of Natasha?
What if he reminds me of Natasha? Will it hurt or will my pain be less?
I have so much in my mind, feels like it's about to burst with questions. If only Natasha is here, she'd be able to calm me down.
How hard was it for her these past years? Raising our son without me? Facing each day trying to be strong for James?
Not long enough we reached Tony's place. It looks good, refreshing. How nice would it be to have a life like this with my own family? With Natasha in it?
____
"Mommy?"
James came running expecting his mother to be here to fetch him. He likes it here but he's excited to see his mom and possibly his father too.
____
"Mommy?"
I can hear his excited little voice. It pierces me, he's looking for his mom. How am I suppose to do this?
A girl and a boy came out from the door, standing at the porch.
Morgan. And my son.
He's beautiful even from where I stand. I trembled subtly, yet I have all the strength to put one foot in front of the other, closing the big space between us.
Now, I stand in front of him.
"Daddy?"
He looked so surprised... and happy?
"James."
"Daddy!"
I don't know what melts me more, him calling me daddy or his little arms holding me tight around my neck.
I carried him in my arms. He smells like his mother. A tear fell from my eye.
James pulled away and looked me in the eyes. He got my eyes. It must've been painful for Natasha looking from this little eyes and gets reminded of me.
His hair is red, he got it from Natasha.
My Natasha.
My James.
"Daddy, are you sad? Don't you like me?"
"No. No. Of course I like you, I love you."
It pains me hearing him ask that.
"I know."
He smiled, he really got some of your traits Natasha. I didn't realize a tear fell from my eye again til James' little hand wiped the trace out of my cheeks.
"Then why is this? You're that happy to see me?"
He chuckled. And I did the same. He's lovely, Natasha. Thank you.
"Where's mom?"
The question I'm so scared of hearing from him. Everyone was silent, and I couldn't get words to say myself.
I can see him looking around, searching for his mom.
"Uncle Sam?"
Sam looked at me, but before I could say a word James hugged me tighter.
"It's okay. We'll get her back. Don't be sad daddy."
I could already tell he's gonna keep surprising me as I get to know him.
Thank you Natasha, for giving me this chance.
Don't worry, just like what our son said. We'll get you back.
Whatever it takes.
I love you.