#1
Driving doesn’t end up being anything like flying in a spaceship.
Or at least, it doesn’t feel like what Ellie imagines flying in a spaceship should feel like. It’s actually really boring.
For one, Joel doesn’t talk. In fact, as the longing voice of Linda whatever-the-fuck-her-last-name-is plays from the stereo, the older man is lost in his own thoughts. It’s been a rough few days since they lost Tess, and even though Joel says he doesn’t want to talk about it, she knows he’s hurting.
Ellie tries to entertain herself by watching the world outside. Although the rolling expanse of countryside and woodlands makes her dizzy. She quickly discovers her immunity does not extend to the effects of motion sickness.
“Try closing your eyes.” Joel tells her, his words cutting through the silence as he watches Ellie clutch her forehead in her hands, “It helps.”
She doesn’t say anything, just does as he suggests. The sunlight cascading through the trees outside creates a kaleydoskop of colors behind her eyelids, and it reminds her of the warm light pooling through the windows of Bill and Franks home. She remembers the grandeur of the fully furnished kitchen and living room; the completed and uncompleted paintings of the property, the town, and who Ellie can only assume was Bill. She thinks she would’ve liked to meet Frank, if her assumptions about him being the artist are correct. Maybe he could’ve given her tips on how to improve a few of her sketches.
As she falls into imagination of what life in Bill and Franks town may have been like, the strange letter she’d recovered finds its way into her memory.
I saved him, then I protected him.
For some unfathomable reason, she can’t get that line out of her head. She can’t get that house out of her head. She can’t get Bill and Frank out of her head.
It was clear to her— from the portraits and the twin sets of fancy dinner plates; to the shared room the pair had passed away in— the two men had done more than simply live together. They’d built a life for themselves.
It isn’t something she wants for herself. Ellie wants adventure. Living in the same boring spot all her life would be suffocating. Too similar to being cooped up in the QZ.
So why does it feel like a piece of that life— one she’ll never fully understand— has attached itself to her?
Ellie knows why. She’d accepted it long before this journey began. Long before she’d been bit.
Riley.
How agonizing those three weeks had been when her best friend disappeared to join the Fireflies— and how when she came back, the ache in Ellie’s chest was somehow even worse.
Exploring the mall together, only the two of them, had felt so right. Like they were made to be that way. What would it be like to live with Riley as Bill and Frank had? To wander the town with no fear looming over their heads; to taste the wild strawberries growing in the backyard; to sleep in the same bed, so close not even a breeze could pass between them.
“They chose me. I matter to them.”
“You mattered to me first.”
Ellie forces her eyes open, shutting down any further fantasies of Riley being alive. She’s gone— a fact Ellie needs to get through her thick skull.
“Joel,” she says, her voice sounding weaker than she intended.
He sighs, “What is it now?” As if she hadn’t been silent for the past thirty minutes.
“You were friends with them right?” Ellie asks, “Bill and Frank, I mean.”
Joel shifts uncomfortably, “I s’pose. Not sure Bill would feel that way, you read his letter after all. Frank was kind enough.”
“But you’re from Texas.” Ellie states, picking at a crooked spot on her finger nail.
Joel stares dumbly at her, “What does me being from Texas have to do with having friends?”
Ellie averts her gaze, face suddenly warm. Why does he have to be so dense? “I mean, they were like… in love right?”
Frowning, he replies, “They were uh, partners, yeah.”
“Well aren’t people from Texas supposed to be all, y’know, bleh,” Ellie makes a crude face, “about— about people like them?”
“You mean homophobic toward queer folks?” He asks bluntly.
Queer. Ellie rolls the word around in her head. She’s heard it before. Back at the FEDRA orphanage people used it as an insult all the time. She’d be lying if she said it was never used against her (along with a slew of phrases even worse). It never really bothered her because no one could prove it was true.
“Yeah.” She answers stiffly, embarrassed.
“Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion,” Joel says slowly, “but I think it’s mighty stupid to worry about how people choose to spend their lives in a world like this. There’s bigger fish to fry.”
Ellie nods. She fiddles with the hem of her shirt, “I guess.”
Joel looks at her fully now, “You seem bothered.”
Her throat immediately goes dry, “I’m not. I’ve just never met anyone like that.” Liar, she tells herself. Riley had been like that. Riley had been like her.
“Sure you have.” Joel assures her, “Just ‘cus they ain’t screaming it from the roof tops doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
“So what, you think it’s normal?” Ellie demands. She doesn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. But for some reason, despite him stating he was friends with Bill and Frank, she needs reassurance.
Joel doesn’t give it to her, “Everyone’s doing their best to get by, Ellie. Why don’t we leave it at that. There’s no use worrying about other people's business.”
Ellie sighs, “Alright, whatever you say.”
Not long after she’s dozing off, images of a pretty girl with brown skin and a warm smile flashing through her memory.
***
#2
“I’m not saying you’re not girly—“
“I’m not.”
A pause, “Yeah. You’re not.”
Despite her mood (despite everything that happened at the hospital), a self satisfied smile finds its way to Ellie’s face.
She doesn’t quite have a word for it— the feeling in her chest as Joel affirms her lack of conformity. Euphoria, perhaps. She likes that he agrees. Joel might be oblivious, but he accepts her in a way no one else ever has.
Ellie wishes the same could be said for the people of Jackson.
Their first few weeks in town are a dream. The limitless amount of food, water, and electricity is a welcome change; but Ellie still finds herself having to get used to the accommodations after a year with nearly nothing. There’s times she stuffs her pockets full with jerky and biscuits, weary of the possibility she might have to go without a full meal again. When she begins to notice a few of the village children watching her, Ellie realizes doing so is probably unnecessary. She knows she’s an outcast here, a mystery to all the other kids her age, and she doesn’t need to make things worse by stealing the food supply.
Everyone in town speaks excitedly of Joel and Ellie’s arrival. She supposes decent gossip in a place like this is hard to come by, so Ellie can’t really blame them for the outlandish rumors about how they ended up here and what their relation to Tommy and Maria is.
For the most part it’s fine, but Ellie wishes people were a little less obvious about their curious glances.
The home Tommy and Maria give them isn’t very big, but there’s hot running water so she can’t complain much. Joel offers Ellie a place of her own in the little garage beside the house.
“Figured you’d want some privacy after being stuck with me for a year.” He jokes. The statement isn’t untrue, but Ellie senses a twinge of something close to sadness in his voice. “We can fix this place up. Make it your own.”
And they do. When Joel isn't out on patrol, and when Ellie isn’t forced to go to school (Joel says it’s essential, but who needs math in the apocalypse?), the pair decorate the area with any and everything Ellie can get her hands on— space books, comics, her own silly little drawings, and random nicknacks she finds on her explorations through Jackson.
“I think it’s turning out mighty fine.” Joel says one afternoon. He wipes the sweat from his brow. The two of them had spent the entire morning hooking up a new lighting fixture after the old one had busted a circuit.
Ellie nods, “Yeah.” She looks around her room, “But I think it needs more… pazzazz.” She says, shaking her hands in a sparkly motion.
Joel chuckles, “And may I ask what pazzazz entails?”
“I dunno, like band and movie shit.”
“When’s the last time you’ve seen a movie?” Joel asks.
“Never.” She replies simply. Well, there was the one time when they’d visited Jackson over the winter, but Ellie isn’t sure it counts considering it was the most boring experience of her life. “But I’d like to start. Anyways, posters are cool. Who cares if I’ve seen the movie or not?”
Her old man laughs lightly, “I’ll see what I can find on my next patrol.” Then, appearing thoughtful for a moment, he says, “You know I think Tommy and Maria have some things at their place. You should ask. Maria might even lend you some stuff to watch.”
Ellie isn’t so sure, “I can’t take their shit. I barely know them.”
“Since when are you shy?” Joel nudges her teasingly.
“I’m not shy.” Ellie glares, “I… I don’t want your family to feel like they owe me. I mean like, just ‘cus you and me are…”
Like family too.
She glances at him. His face softens, “I don’t want them to feel obligated to like me, I guess.”
Joel sighs, “They ain’t feeling obligated to do nothing. Tommy’s been wanting to have you over for supper a while anyway.”
Ellie blinks, “Really?”
“Sure.” Joel shrugs, “I think he misses being the cool uncle.” His expression immediately hardens, and his eyes shift to the floor. “…Not that you gotta consider him one. It’s different, I get it.”
Joel is clearly uncomfortable. Ellie’s heart beats a little faster nonetheless. He wants her to be part of his real family— already considers her to be a part of it.
Not as if she couldn’t already tell. They may be bad with words, but the two of them have proved enough what they’re worth to each other.
Still, it’s a good feeling to be shown so blatantly.
“I’ll go if you’re with me.” Ellie states.
Joel sucks on the inside of his cheek, “Why don’t you head up there tomorrow morning to help them out around the house. Maria’s about to pop with that baby in the oven. After my patrol I’ll meet you there and we can have brunch.” He gives her an earnest look, “As a family.”
Ellie doesn’t know what brunch is, but that settles it.
“Whatever, if I have to.” She crosses her arms, “They better have cool shit.”
Ellie arrives at their house as the orange sun peaks its way over the horizon. Early, but not the butt crack of dawn. She's not a morning person and as hard as Joel tries to get her to like coffee, Ellie can’t stand the taste unless there’s at least ten pounds of sugar in it.
Thankfully, It’s Maria who answers the door. She’s less nerve wracking to be around than her husband.
Maria is a bit out of breath— carrying a whole ass human inside you takes a lot of work after all— but the smile on her face is warm. “Good to see you Ellie, come on in.” She greets, stepping aside.
“Morning.” Ellie replies, fiddling with her fingers. She’s spoken to the woman a few times since officially moving into town, but it’s awkward standing in her own space. After so long with only Joel as company, Ellie isn’t used to casual human interactions. Not that she’d been good at it before their journey.
Closing the door behind her, Maria says, “So Joel tells us you’re on the hunt for some souvenirs.”
Ellie shrugs, “I guess.”
Maria smiles, more laid back than the first time they’d met, “You’re in luck. I’ve got all kinds of crap stored in the back room. Over the years I’ve found collecting is a sense of normality many folks could do well with nowadays.”
She leads her through the large house into a dusty looking room filled with boxes. Inside, Tommy is already there, a bin in his hands.
“Howdy, kid.” He says with a smile similar to Joel’s. “Look here what I just found.” Setting down the bin in front of her.
Cautiously, Ellie removes the lid to reveal a pile of folded clothes.
“Figured you could do away with my brothers hand me downs.” Tommy gestures to the outfit she’s wearing.
Immediately Ellie wrinkles her nose. She looms over the apparel before her, “These are a little… wimpy, don’t you think?” The clothes inside are thin and bright. All much too feminine for Ellie’s taste.
Tommy’s grin falls, “Uh, I s’pose. You don’t like pink?”
Ellie folds her arms, “Does it look like I like fucking pink?”
At her husband's confused face, Maria laughs, “What Miss Cargo Shorts over here is trying to say, is that the clothes she has now suit her just fine.”
Tommy’s mustache straightens into a line, “Well, it’s the thought that counts, then.”
“Looking for anything specific? Maria continues.
Ellie shakes her head, “Anything from before the outbreak.” It’s fascinating to her, what life had been like before the world went to shit. Since she learned to read Ellie consumed every book she could find on what the people of the past did in their day to day lives.
“I’m assuming you ain’t into romance.” Tommy says, pulling out a few boxes for her to look through, “Titanic is a good movie though.”
“Never heard of it.” Ellie admits. She vaguely recalls hearing about the ship itself— how it was named unsinkable only for it to be lost to the ocean's depths on its first voyage.
She finds herself appreciating Tommy for trying to find something of her interest. He’d been the main reason for Ellie’s apprehension regarding visiting the couple. For whatever reason, making a good impression on Joel's little brother weighs heavy on her mind.
“Leonardo Di Caprio was a cutie.” Maria says, reaching in the box and pulling out a CD case. “You ever wonder what happened to all those celebrities after the outbreak?”
Tommy makes a face, “Probably all dead. For the better anyhow.”
“Don’t be jealous.” His wife smirks, smacking him playfully. She turns to Ellie and hands her the case, “What do you think?”
She takes it in her hands, mouth going dry upon seeing the cover. It’s pretty standard as far as Ellie can tell: the title on the front with an image of the ship at the bottom. Above though, are two people with their heads resting together. The man, who she assumes is Leonardo Da Vinci (or whatever Maria called him), is mediocre if you were to ask Ellie. The young woman beside him on the other hand…
“Who’s she?” Ellie asks, hoping her curiosity isn’t too evident in her voice.
Tommy wiggles his eyebrows, “That’s Kate Winslet. Most gorgeous lady of my time, I must admit.”
Maria rolls her eyes.
Ellie can’t say she disagrees with him. She runs her thumb over the cover. Action films are definitely more her style, but she finds herself eager to watch this one. For no particular reason, of course. Surely not because the woman on the cover is stunning.
“I think you’ll be a fan.” Maria tells her. The tone in her voice is undecipherable.
Ellie stares at her dubiously.
In response, Maria simply taps Kate Winslet's face and sends Ellie a knowing look that makes her skin crawl. The room suddenly feels much too warm.
Ellie turns her eyes to Tommy, who is now looking at her with a sort of understanding on his face. “Why don’t we look around some more, huh?” He says kindly, “You ever seen Alien?”
For the rest of the morning, Ellie gathers up a small bag of items to bring home. In return for their generosity, she offers to help out with chores and cooking (Tommy politely declines the cooking part. Apparently Joel told him about the ravioli fiasco the first time Ellie tried using the stove).
As they’re setting the table, right on cue, Joel Miller himself appears in the doorway, fresh off his shift.
“Hey kiddo.” He greets, then nods curtly at his brother and Maria.
“Hey man,” Ellie smiles. The morning had gone better than she expected, but she still feels the small bundle of nerves in her belly loosen upon seeing Joel’s scruffy face, “You smell like shit.”
Joel releases a sigh, “Didn’t want to keep y’all waiting so I didn’t shower.”
Tommy claps him on the back, “We can open a window.”
His older brother shoves him away, “It ain’t that bad.”
They all take their seats, Ellie being sure to sit beside Joel despite smelling like a sheep farm, and dig into one of the best meals she’s ever had. Joel isn’t the greatest chef, so in comparison pretty much everything is better than his cooking.
They hang around a bit after eating, catching up. Joel is excited to be an uncle, Ellie can tell despite his nonchalant exterior. She tries not to let the spark of jealousy ignite as Joel and Tommy interact. She has to remind herself sharing Joel is a part of her life now. It doesn’t totally work, but she’s getting better.
On the walk home, Joel says casually, “Tommy says they wanna have you back around.”
Ellie tries to stifle her smile, “I’d like that. They’re cool.”
Joel replies, “I’ll let ‘em know.” He sounds pleased with himself, “I take it you had a decent time then?”
“Yeah, I got some posters. Maria lent me a couple movies too.” She hands him her backpack to look through.
Joel flicks through it, commenting about how they should watch the entire Alien series if they can get their hands on the rest of them.
“Wasn’t expecting this.” He comments. Ellie’s stomach flips as he pulls out the Titanic. “Sarah used to love him too.” He points to the dude in the cover.
Ellie looks away, “That’s not the reason I took it.”
Joel chuckles, “Right. I'm sure the scene where everyone’s flying off the ship is more your style.” He nudges her with his elbow, “But it’s alright to have a crush you know.”
“I don’t.”
He returns her bag, “Whatever you say, kid.” His eyebrows draw together thoughtfully, “But you’re getting around that age. And we’re in town now with fellas your age.”
Shut up please shut up, Ellie thinks. This is the last conversation she wants to have.
“… I suppose what I’m trying to say is, uh,” Joel clears his throat, “you can talk to me about— about all that.”
Ellie drags her sneakers through the dirt. “I know.” But she won’t. Not yet anyway. Joel is clueless, and Ellie can’t find the words to say there will never be a ‘fella’ for her to tell him about.
***
#3
Once Ellie and Cat start dating, it isn’t long before the entirety of Jackson gets wind of it.
Everyone, apparently, except for Joel.
She blames it on the rift that’s slowly been growing between them, for reasons she can’t articulate into words. In part Joel simply has a one track mind. He doesn’t pick up on things unless they smack him right upside the head.
Sometimes, after a tattoo session with Cat, Ellie wants to run home and gush to Joel all about her mushy teenage feelings. She wants to get annoyed as he teases her for being in love. She wants him to tell her about his stories of being an embarrassing boyfriend when he was younger.
They don’t talk about it though. Because Joel is too focused on how Ellie barely speaks to him to notice the other things going on in her life.
Her friends are a welcome distraction from her complicated relationship with Joel. As is her guitar playing.
She hangs out with Tommy more often too, especially since now his baby is growing into a toddler.
Her favorite distraction however, if she’s being honest, is Cat.
The outline of what will soon be a sleeve is a constant reminder of Ellie’s first real girlfriend, as well as a sort of band aid over the wound that will forever be a mark of the night she lost Riley. When Cat first offered to cover up the chemical burn Ellie had given herself, she’d almost been hesitant. Without her backpack, she no longer has a piece of her best friend outside of the bitemark.
As the pair slowly developed a design, Ellie realized the tattoo will serve as more of a tribute than anything else— of how much she’s lost in order to get to this point, but also of how much she’s gained.
So yeah, she’s pretty fucking grateful for Cat. She’s a pretty rad person as far as girlfriends go, even if she’s the only one Ellie’s ever had.
Spending time with her is fun. They hang out with Jessie and Dina (even if Dina always seems to be in a funk whenever Cat’s around), go on silly little picnic dates in the woods, and on the nights when Cats mom is out late Ellie stays the night at her house. They make out (a lot) and mess around and it’s so refreshing to have one thing that’s finally going well.
One day, after shooting practice with Tommy, Joel takes Ellie out to find new strings for her guitar. She thinks of telling him about Cat then.
But Joel is too quick.
He’s saying something about her friends, but Ellie isn’t really paying attention.
That is, until Joel speaks with what sounds like a smirk, “I hear the way Jesse talks about you.”
Her heart drops, “No. Jesse and I are just friends.” He’s probably her best friend, in fact. It was a spot Dina once held but ever since Ellie and Cat got together things have been… weird. She doesn’t like thinking about why.
Ellie tries to scoff Joel’s comment off, but he’s insistent on the matter.
“Now, now, now. I’ve got a pretty keen eye for these sorts of things.” He says. She wonders if he’s referring to Sarah, or if there’s other boys in town he thinks Ellie has an interest in.
She doesn’t understand why he cares so much. Maybe it truly is him being invested in her life— but if that was the case, how had he not caught wind of the rumors surrounding Ellie?
“Not so keen with this one.” She huffs.
Joel merely chuckles, “We’ll see.”
“Don’t hold your breath.” She mumbles. Ellie can’t wait to tell Jesse all about this when they get back to town. He’ll laugh his ass off.
She considers telling Joel right then and there. But the conversation moves on and the chance is lost.
Not long after, Ellie finds out the truth about his lies at the hospital.
They don’t speak again for two years.
***
+1
Seeing her on the porch illuminated only by the porch light stops Joel mid strum of his guitar.
“Hey.” His voice comes out gravelly.
Ellie doesn’t say anything. She only stares— taking him in. She seems so much older now than the little girl he’d come across nearly five years ago. He supposes that’s because she is. Ellie is different— but the look on her somber face is one he’s been met with many times before.
He sets down the guitar, rising slowly to come beside Ellie as she leans on the railing. The night is brisk but not unpleasant.
“What’re you drinking?” She finally asks. Her eyes don’t meet his.
“Coffee.”
“Smells like burnt shit,” he half expects her to say.
“Where’d you get that?”
“Uh,” This small talk business isn’t something he’s very good at, “those people that came through town last week.”
“Oh.”
Joel manages a curt chuckle, “A little embarrassed as to what I had to trade to get it but…” He raises the cup to his lips, “it’s not bad.”
There’s a brief pause in conversation. Joel doesn’t know how to fill it.
Until Ellie forces out, “I had Seth under control.”
“Yeah, I know.” Of course she had it under control. Ellie’s more than capable of handling any situation that comes her way. Especially a good for nothing bigot like Seth.
“And you need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols.”
Ah. So thats what this conversation is about? To tell him to get lost more than she already has?
“Okay.”
Another pause.
Joel thinks about the dance. Remembers how he’d watched from the other side of the room as Ellie had been led to the dance floor by a girl he’d only met a few times before.
She’d seemed nervous having someone so close in proximity. Joel had to look away when the two kissed, but the smile on Ellie’s face when he glanced back is one he’d missed so much.
It isn’t exactly like he hadn’t known Ellie was gay before that moment. He’s suspected for a long time she might be a lesbian. Joel simply didn’t know how to bring it up.
There’s brief moments he can remember suspecting— her curiosity about Bill and Frank; random mentions of her friend Riley holding too much passion to have simply been in reference to a girl she knew once. There was also the small town gossip, which Joel tried his best to stay out of.
But sometimes people would ask questions.
He attempted a few times to ask if there were any boys she liked, just to see her reaction. It never amounted to much.
Joel always figured if she wanted to tell him, she would.
“Dina.”
Ellie’s posture stiffens.
“… Is she your girlfriend?” He asks gently.
She looks straight ahead, eyes unwavering.
“No.” Ellie gasps out, as if it hurts, “No. She— that was just one kiss, it doesn’t mean anything. She just— I don’t know why she did that.” Her voice gets more vulnerable as she continues.
“You do like her.” It’s both a statement and a question.
Ellie’s expression is frustrated. She rubs her chin into the surface of her shirt, angry with herself. It makes Joel’s heart ache.
“I’m so stupid.” She mutters.
“Look, I have no idea what this girl's intentions are, but… I do know that she would be lucky to have you.” He tries to say it with enough force Ellie will believe it.
Ellie shakes her head, “You’re such an asshole.”
“I’m not trying too—“ insinuate anything. He wasn’t trying to make it seem like he was talking about himself.
They both know he was.
“I was supposed to die in that hospital.” Ellie erupts, “My life wouldve fucking mattered.” She slams her palm on the railing, “But you took that from me!”
Joel is silent for a long time.
Rising slowly, he finally gets a good look at the young woman before him, “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment… I would do it all over again.”
She releases a deep sigh.
“Yeah…” Her voice impossibly sad, “I just— I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that.”
Joel feels everything within him break like glass.
Then, “… But I would like to try.”
It’s all he’s ever wanted.
“I’d like that.”
He’s crying. It’s something he’s only done since he lost Sarah and since he met Ellie. But Joel can’t find it in himself to care.
Ellie wants to try. He doesn’t deserve it but she wants to try.
Joel could die tomorrow, but he’d die a happy man knowing Ellie hasn’t given up on him completely.
“Okay.” Ellie says slowly. “I’ll see you around.”
He stands outside long after she’s gone. There’s a flicker of hope in his chest. He hasn’t felt it in a long time.
Joel will do right with her this time. He’ll do whatever it takes.
But for now, he finishes his cup of coffee, and goes to bed. There’s no use dwelling on the endless possibilities ahead of him and Ellie.
They have all the time in the world.