(Drown) - Keep Holding Me Above Water
“So, I’m - released?” Peter asked warily, looking between Cho and Tony. May had gone back to work today. Peter was going to live at the compound for - some reason. He didn’t quite know. He wondered if maybe he was still on suicide watch - it had been different since that night. An air of caution was settled around Peter, and he was never left alone.
“Yes. But, you’ll be staying here at the compound for continued physical therapy and to-”
“Be on suicide watch.” Peter let out, catching how Tony visibly flinched, and immediatly feeling guilty about it. “Sorry.” He muttered. Cho just took it in stride, dropping her clipboard by her side and looking at Peter gently.
“Yes. But no one is looking at you differently because of this. You have been through a lot, Peter. Nobody denies that. But, you have a community here - a family - that is going to do everything that they possibly can to get you feeling better again.” She said. “You’re released, but you still need to use the cane that Tony gave you, ease your knee back into work. Your knee was pretty severely damaged, and we fixed everything in surgery, but it is going to take a while for your body to fix itself back up. Rest. Heal. Have Friday call me, I’ll be in my lab.” Then Helen was sliding out of the room, and Peter was left alone with Tony.
“We know that it wasn’t you, Peter. That night. But I can’t- I can’t risk anything else happening to you.” Tony said quietly as Peter looked down at his lap.
“Yeah - yeah. Um - listen you don’t have to -” Peter stopped himself. He didn’t know how to say this. He didn’t know how to tell Tony that he didn’t want to be a burden. That he knew that Tony wanted to spend time with Morgan - that Tony had his own demons to work with - that Peter was taking up so much of the man’s time that he wanted to scream that he was too much. He didn’t want to be a burden - and all he had been was a burden. “You don’t have to do all of this-” He tossed his hands, wincing at the pain in his shoulders before dropping them back down.
“Peter -” He kept looking down, not saying anything as the older man paused. “Peter, look at me.” Tony said quietly. Peter glanced up, finding Tony staring at him. “You’re not a burden. You’re my kid. Don’t apologize for anything. This is your home right now. I want you to feel like it is.”
“I know it’s just -Ham- he kept saying - and I-” Peter choked on his words, looking down to hide his tears.
“Hammer was a psychopath. And he’s not here. Everything he said was on him. It wasn’t true. Not one word of it.” Tony handed Peter the cane. “Now, how would you feel about getting a litte fresh air? Natasha, Sam, and Bucky are all outside doing some training. Do you want to go watch?” Peter looked up, and smiled, wiping off the last of his tears.
“Yeah - that would - get outside. Yeah.” He stuttered out, and Peter did. He wanted to see the trees and the sky, and feel the sun on his face - and he never wanted to be underneath artificial lighting ever agian.
Between the cane and Tony, he made it outside with a fairly littele amount of pain. When the door opened and Peter got his first real breath of air, he felt like he had been sucker-punched. Tears were streaming down his face before he could even realize it. Tony ignored it - and Peter wanted to thank him.
They made it to where Natasha, Sam, and Bucky were sparring in the snow and Peter wanted to laugh. Poor Sam didn’t stand much of a chance, but Natasha and Bucky were going at it. Peter snuggled further into the blanket that Tony had brought out, and wanted to thank the man. It was freezing out, but the sun that glanced off the snow - the brisk winter air - it was perfect. He would have gladly frozen to death to be free - to be outside.
“Here, let’s sit.” Tony said, as the two of them found a bench and Tony wrapped his arm tightly around Peter’s shoulders.
They watched for a while before Peter felt the familiar tug of sleep at the back of his eyes. He was so warm and at peace that he found himself dozing off in Tony’s arms, the warmth of the sun carrying him softly down the rabbit hole.
-
He jerked awake with a gasp - becoming too used to the terror that he felt from a nightmare. Sweaty palms, shaking hands, and a lack of breath were always there to greet him. But so was Tony.
“Hey, hey - you’re okay. You’re okay.” Hands were at his face, pulling him tightly into someone’s chest.
“Where is he?” Peter gasped, shoving himself away from Tony and looking around the field that they were in wildly. Natasha and Bucky stopped sparring, and Sam looked about two seconds away from walking over but Tony held out a hand. “Where is he? Tony- where- where-” Tony leaned back, as thought trying not to startle him.
“Peter - hey - he’s not here. He’s not here. You’re safe, at the avenge-”
“I know!” Peter cried, pushing himself up onto his feet, forgetting the blanket. “I know where I am - where is he?” Peter yelled taking a step back, but the weight on his bad knee was too much and he fell backwards on his butt, crying out. Tony moved forward to comfort him but Peter held his hands out. “Stop! No - tell me where he is.” He muttered this time, no yelling. No screaming. Dead serious. “Where is Hammer?”
Tony had known this was coming, had known that Peter would ask about Hammer’s whereabouts. And the truth was - he was dreading it. Because he didn’t know. Hammer had vanished, without making a sound. Natasha had been looking into it, and she still had been unable to turn over the right rock.
“We don’t know.” And if Peter hadn’t already been completely freaked out, he was now.
“He’s gonna find me! He’s gonna find me! Oh God- we have to - we have to get out!” He screamed, trying to stand again, but he fell once more.
“Peter - Peter I need you to breathe. I have guards around the clock, the black widow - our friendly neighborhood Natasha - she’s looking for him. He can’t run forever. We will get him. We will, you’re safe.” Tony moved forward, with the blanket, and this time - Peter let him. He was being helped up, but he couldn’t stop looking around, searching for something out of place - someone out of place.
“I just- I keep thinking - it feels -” Peter let out a choked breath as Tony pulled him closer. “It’s like I’m drowning. Like no matter how hard I kick to get up to the surface I keep turnign corners and being certain that I’m about to be pulled down again - deeper and deeper. I can’t swim up - and I just - I-” Peter broke down, letting Tony take his weight.
“Then let us pull you up. We have you, okay. We will pull you up and keep you safe, just let us.”