Date Night
What exactly did one wear to a date?
He hadn't been on a damn date since... Uh... Well since before he'd ended up enlisting in the army and all that crap. Normal had pretty much ceased to exist for him from that moment on and while he'd managed to find some semblance of love for himself in amongst all of that he hadn't ever had the chance to take her on a date. He hadn't had the chance to do anything remotely normal with he and Natasha because it had been all sneaking around and trying to keep what they were a secret from people that'd punish them severely for their love.
They had, too. She'd been implanted with false memories and he'd been wiped completely and thrown back into Cryo until he was useful for them again.
He'd lost her and she'd lost him but eventually she'd started to break through her programming and remembered who they were to one another and she had to live with that while he had his mind toyed with and dismantled and manipulated over and over and over again. He'd been sent to kill people for decades like he was nothing but a weapon, they didn't see him as a person and no one had since her. No one had since he'd lost her.
No one had seen him as a person until she did while he was in that hell.
He'd loved her oh so much, more so than he ever should've and he knew it. They both knew what they were facing if their handlers found out and the consequences had been just as brutal as they'd thought it would be but at least none of them had been killed for it or he'd never have this chance now to have the normalcy that they'd been deprived of.
Granted they were back to the whole secret relationship thing but this time it was a choice. This time it was them choosing not to let their relationship become public knowledge because they wanted to find their way in all of this for themselves. They wanted the time to rediscover who they were without having to worry about the pressures of dealing with that around everyone else, too. He was still learning to fit in but she - once again - had become his safe haven.
He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve her love and he figured he probably never would but that didn't mean he didn't value every second that they got together.
But an actual, legitimate date was actually kind of public which was new and most definitely uncertain waters for the both of them. He was both excited and nervous about it and he hoped like hell he could make tonight at least to some degree special for her, he hadn't done this in far too long and so it was mostly improvisation and he knew Natasha better than to think she'd expect a huge bouquet of flowers or anything like that when he went to pick her up but he wanted to attempt some kind of normalcy.
So, James Barnes settled for a shirt and a decent pair of jeans because he wasn't the kind of guy that really liked suits. He didn't even own a suit. He had no use for anything like that, it was still hardwired into him that whatever he wore had to be in some sense practical in case he might need to fight for whatever reason not that he was expecting tonight to end in a fight but the need for practicality remained in his mind anyway.
She tended to be the same, casual and sometimes formal in her own way but she wore nothing that couldn't conceal weapons even to this day it still stuck with her. He found himself remorseful over that too if he was going to be honest. He'd never tell her that of course. He'd never tell her that because he didn't want her to know that he hated himself for what she'd gone through and how he'd failed to protect her but he knew she felt the same about him.
Perhaps that's what it was to love someone, you felt the pain of not being able to stop evil touching their lives even if you had no control at all over it.
Getting to her apartment building wasn't hard, he'd walked over here plenty of times in the last few weeks and the walk helped him to clear his mind, it helped him to find some calm and he quite liked the fact that the noise of the city drowned out the inevitable noise in his head. He found himself far calmer and with a lessened sense of nervousness than he had before he'd set off. Stopping outside of her apartment instead of just walking in, he knocked gently against the door.
Flowers of course in hand. She'd probably find the cheesiness worthy of an eye roll but he didn't care.
She opened the door half standing behind it as she assessed him and the flowers in his hand, raising a brow before she let out a soft chuckle and smiled at him anyway. She took the flowers he held out before she stepped back to open the door properly and let him inside. She placed the brightly colored bouquet on the side as he closed the door behind him and turned to study her, her head tilting softly to the side at his awestruck expression.
"What?" She questioned.
"You look incredible." Really, she did.
She wore a black dress that skimmed two or three inches above her knee that tied in a neat bow beneath a curtain of loosened red curls that - much like the ends of the ties from the bow - lingered down her bare back, shoes that - while heeled - ensured that she'd be able to move in them if it was required and crimson red lips that complimented her whole appearance perfectly. Truly, he was taken aback by the sheer effortless beauty of the woman stood before him. Still he noted that his thoughts had been right, she could still conceal a gun on her thigh if she chose.
A gentle blush settled across her cheeks and she shook her head gently at him. He - she noted - looked handsome in one of those casual kinds of ways and she knew that he'd probably spent a hell of a lot of time trying to figure out what was suitable to wear while still having full maneuverability if he needed it. It saddened her to know that much like her, he'd never shake that need, that conditioning that told them they had to be able to fight at any given moment.
They didn't have to fight for their lives anymore or at least they weren't supposed to have to anymore but they still couldn't shake that.
"Thank you." Her voice was soft and quiet.
"We have an um, reservation at a little Italian place in Queens. I figure it'd be away from everything or any potential to run into anyone we knew..."
He wrinkled his nose as he spoke, when he said it out loud like that it sounded quite sinister, it sounded like they were some sordid secret that one of them was ashamed of even though he knew that wasn't the case and so did she. They were simply two people too afraid of being torn apart again to risk anything. She seemed naturally to pick up on his discomfort because she made her way toward him and took his hands in hers before she kissed him.
"There's nothing to feel bad for." She assured him. "We both made this decision."
They had, they had both chosen to protect what they had and ensure that this relationship they'd been denied for so many years was protected from whatever damage the world might have done to it, they had both chosen not to let the world knew what they were to one another until they were absolutely certain that no one would want to tear it all apart again. They both knew they should've been able to trust their friends and they did but they didn't trust the rest of the world.
"I just think you deserve better." He admitted with a sigh. "You know I love you, right?"
She did. He knew she did but he needed to hear her say it anyway. A gentle smile spread across her lips and she nodded her head.
"Of course I do." She placed her hand on his cheek. "And I love you."
He couldn't help but smile, every time he heard her say it he could feel his heart racing. It was - to him - the sweetest sound in the world. She wasn't like this with anyone else, she wasn't this normal or this tender but when they were alone and it was just the two of them a side of them came out that was reserved for them and them alone. He loved the fact that he got to see something of her that no one else did.
Around one another they were different people entirely because around one another, they could be Human. They didn't have to pretend, they didn't have to put on a face or meet expectations and it was like both of them could truly breathe. He wondered - as did she - what would happen when this was exposed to everyone else but they both hoped that it wasn't going to be something out of their control.
They wanted it to be something they decided on together, they deserved that at least...
"We should go or we'll be late." He took her hand and brought it to his lips placing a soft kiss there.
She nodded her head in agreement. Date night. Why the hell was it seemingly making both of them so nervous? It really wasn't much different to any other night save for the fact that they were going out to have something to eat rather than sitting either at her place or his. It was nice - he supposed - to have the chance to give her a decent night, one that didn't make him feel like he was making her hide away until they figured themselves out because Natasha was not the type of woman you wanted to hide from the world.
She was incredible, beautiful and something else entirely and she didn't deserve to be treat like she was just anyone, to him she'd never be just anyone. She was the love of his life and he'd do anything in the world to make sure she knew that every day they spent together.
The restaurant was a quiet little place with subtle lights that looked romantic, the wine - he thought - could've tasted better but it was probably the fact that he hadn't touched a drop of decent alcohol since the '40's and he'd been having a drink with Howard and Peggy to toast what should've been their success on the mission that they were going on, the one that had gone so terribly awry and cost him his life as he knew it.
The one that had saved him in a way that he didn't even know he needed saving until he met her. As evil as that life was, it brought him to her and so he couldn't find it in himself to resent it or hate it the way he probably should. He loved Natasha and he'd be willing to pay that price a hundred times over just to have her in his life.
She seemed relaxed, radiant and in probably the best mood she'd been in all week; it had been a stressful week with training and one problem and another along the way. Missions that she turned down and so did he simply for the fact that neither one of them thought they were going to turn into anything useful and they'd been right. It had been utterly pointless and had given them absolutely no useful intel beyond exhausting a few resources that they didn't need to waste.
They talked about that on and off pointing out the obvious rookie mistakes that came with Tony trying to run things when it came to spies, Tony Stark was a brilliant man that was undeniable but he had no idea how to do all of this spy stuff successfully. He did his best though.
Steve had taken to the cloak and dagger stuff which was interesting to both of them, he'd been such a boyscout for such a long time now that him being a legitimate bad ass actually threw them both.
Then they'd moved onto the obvious talk about their relationship and the eventuality that they were actually going to have to stop lying to their friends and everyone they cared about but at the same time they discussed their obvious apprehension. Both of them had been through losing one another too many times to risk doing it again even if they trusted the people around them who - and what - they were to one another and the fear of losing that outweighed everything.
They knew that they should be able to trust the people around them, their friends were almost family especially to her and he knew that she trusted them but both of them had to deal with their fears someday and given the messes they kept finding themselves in as a team it would be sooner than they really wanted.
When their conversation drifted back to their memories though, he couldn't help but smile; the nostalgia was something that wasn't painful for either one of them because that had been the one light that they'd had in all of that darkness. They'd had so much pain in that time, so much torment and the only true light that they'd had was the love they'd found in stolen moments and a life otherwise stolen from them.
"You know I wish we'd left that night, right?" She smiled over the top of her glass.
He nodded his head, he did too. After all of this, after all of the hell that they'd been through he wished that they had too. They'd had one chance, one single chance before their handlers had known anything at all about them and that one chance was one that had slipped through their fingers like sand faster than any of them could've thought it would.
"Me too." He replied quietly. "We lost years."
He knew she didn't need to be told that, he knew that she'd lived all of those years being aware of who he was and trying to track him down but getting nowhere only to come face to face with him on a few occasions to have him look at her like she was nothing and like he didn't even know her and the thought provoked a shudder. He hated to think that he could've killed her. He hated to think that one shot could've been all it took to take the love of his life out of the world.
"I'm sorry I hurt you." He sounded broken as he spoke.
She shook her head though and reached out to brush his hand with hers.
"You could've killed me but you didn't. We both know you're better than that, you never missed unless you wanted to so a part of you knew. A part of you knew not to take the killshot." Whether that was just what she wanted to believe or not though was something none of them could be sure of.
"I could have. I could've slipped deeper into it for just one second and-"
"And nothing. I'm not some rookie, James. I know how to get my ass out of the firing line. I know how to move."
He'd been instrumental in making sure of that, he'd trained her too over the years. He'd been not only her partner and her lover but her mentor and her friend. He'd been one of many, many people over the years that had sharpened her skills into the deadly knives that they were now. She was one of the most lethal creatures on the planet and she wore it like a shield around most people but not around him.
"You don't have to put on a brave face, Natalia. We both know I-"
"It isn't a brave face." She interjected. "I'm not some unskilled little girl anymore. I could've taken you too and you know it too. We both held back."
She hadn't wanted to hurt him though she could have, she could've made him stop and she could've rendered him unconscious regardless of his counters and they both knew it but she didn't want to hurt him. It wouldn't have done either one of them any favors, it wasn't like with Clint she couldn't just hit him really hard in the head and hope he'd come out of it because what had happened to him was far more complex than that. He wasn't the first person that had held back despite what they'd been told to do.
Do you know what it's like to be unmade?
You know that I do...
A soft shudder shook Natasha's form as she thought about it. She never wanted to go through that again, she didn't want anyone she cared about having to go through anything even close to that. Loki had been mind tricks, a stone that was more dangerous than they'd understood at first but what they'd been through was worse, it was so much worse. It took you away, it locked you in a box and made you watch the things you were made to do while you screamed and fought and got nowhere.
It made you watch yourself become a monster and remember every second of it when it all wore of. It was messy, it was painful, it was hell in itself and she wouldn't wish it on anyone not even if she hated them.
"What?" He questioned. He was worried.
She tried to smile.
"Just- I'm just so tired of people screwing with me or just screwing with the people I love." She admitted. She didn't want to but she did.
"They won't, they won't do anything to either of us ever again or to anyone else and we'll make sure of it. I don't know what the hell we've got to face yet or how bad it's gonna get but I do know that I'll fight for you no matter what. You and me just like it used to be. We can get through anything." He was trying to reassure her and she appreciated that.
He was right, none of them knew what they had to face from hereon out or how bad the chaos in their world would get but they both knew one thing for sure: they weren't going to ever lose one another again without a hell of a fight and that was one fight she'd gladly take. That was one battle she'd fight gladly because she'd be damned if anyone or anything was going to tear her life apart again without a good amount of hell on their hands.
They lived in a world of chaos and they both knew it but even chaos had moments of calm just like this.
"Enough of the serious talk, we're ruining date night!" He announced with a smile. "So lets drink a whole hell of a lot more, pretend we can actually get drunk and just be normal people."
"I miss being able to actually get drunk..." She responded with a smirk.
"Oh me too, darlin'." It had been far too long... "But we can at least act normal for one night."
For her? He'd do anything.